Once upon a time in Zebes, Samus was sitting in a tree, contemplating the clouds as they floated by. With her legs draped over a branch and kicking idly, she made for a pretty easily detected target, even from the ground. Within a few minutes, Ridley spotted the bounty hunter and flew up towards her.
"Samus!" Ridley flapped his wings madly, scattering leaves and landing on a nearby branch.
The huntress turned her attention to her mortal enemy. "Yeah?"
"You want a chili dog?"
"Sure." Samus accepted the dog and took a big bite without really looking at what she was consuming. A big blob of relish and ketchup oozed from the other end and dropped out of the tree. She chewed twice with a strange expression on her face. "Is this chorizo sausage?"
"I think so." Ridley said, chewing on his own chili dog. He swallowed hard. "Oh crap. I forgot. You're half-Chorizo, aren't you?"
"Chozo." She corrected, taking another bite.
"Is there a difference?"
"Not sure." Samus said, chewing thoughtfully. "Not sure if the Chozo are descendants of the warmongering Chorizo, or vice versa, or if the Chorizo are just violent Chozo locked in stone." She took a swing of the diet Pepsi Ridley also brought along. "Or maybe the Chorizo are just the name of guardian Chozo statues. Don't even get me started on how the Torizo fit into all this."
"From what I heard, Chozo, Chorizo, and Torizo are all the same thing. The difference is in how the records were translated into different languages."
"Differences in translation? That's plausible. Do you know what the Japanese call me?"
"Samusu. As in Sah-moo-sue. The Europeans call me Sam-us Air-in. And half the population of Newgrounds call me Sah-mis Uh-ran." She sighed and shook her head in longtime suffering. "It's almost as bad as the whole Zebes/Zebeth discourse."
They finished off their chorizos in companiable silence, save for the sounds of chewing and slurping. Samus licked her fingers for remaining sauce and suddenly turned to face the dragon.
"Ridley!" She cried. "I love you! Let's run away together to a forgotten planet and have gratuitous, passionate sex!"
Ridley slurped his Dr. Pepper noisily through a straw, which looked rather funny considering his huge head. Then he crushed the cup and ate it. "I don't know about that. I did kill your parents, after all. And despite reluctantly examining our feelings for each other resulting in the mutual respect which blossomed out of our mutual hatred, I'm not human."
"You're not? Even after intensive reconstruction?"
"I don't think so. Anyways, aren't you in love with Adam?"
"Oh yeah. Forgot about that. But he's a computer now."
"Well if I can become human, so can he. And how about that Captain you once met? His name started with an 'N' or something." Ridley belched. "Oh, 'scuse me. It's not as if your romantic opportunities are limited. You can always run away with one of the thousands of male humans willing to sleep with you. I think most of them are fiction writers. Didn't one of them impregnate you once?"
Samus looked at him blankly. "Actually, I'm a lesbian."
"Oh. My mistake."
"Not that I've ever had sex before." She added.
"How about that time with the metroid? Y'know, back in 1986, when they still had tentacles."
"Jeeze Ridley, you should know better than that. I despise metroids. They are a parasitic plague on the galaxy. I killed them all on SR388, remember?"
"Of course I remember. I also remember stealing the last metroid hatchling on Ceres which you chased all the way back to Zebes to retrieve."
"Oh my God, I love that thing." Samus scrunched up her arms against her chest and her eyes evoked the stereotype of an anime. Her voice took on a slightly higher pitch. "It's so cyuuute! It would follow me and make the squeakiest squeaking sounds, like 'squeee!' and then it spoke to me in a telepathic voice and I exposed it to beta rays so now I have two of them and one ate some X and evolved continuously until it turned into an omega metroid or a queen but the other got exposed to phazon and eventually grew into the Metroid Prime or it got devoured by the being which is Metroid Prime but then you took it and cloned it and it became very big and almost killed me but recognized me as its mother just in time and even gave me the energy it siphoned from Mother Brain before it was killed but the Federation also had the opportunity to clone it and injected its DNA into my bloodstream so in essence it saved my life twice and did I mention that I love it; it substitutes for a real baby so with it I can release the latent motherly instincts I've never had a chance to express or experience and it likes to grasp onto me with its cute wittle fangs so I just let it-"
"Okay, okay, that's enough! I get it! Drink your Pepsi." She did so, her cheeks inverting as she tried to suck out the last bits of liquid. Shaking the container to confirm that there's only ice inside, she tossed it into the air and Ridley incinerated it with a short jet of flame. Then the dragon yawned hugely, wisps of smoke escaping from his throat. "So. Tell me more about that metroid DNA in your blood. I don't think I've heard much about it. I was a hideous X-infested zombie at the time."
Samus shrugged. "What's there to tell? The metroid cells killed the X I was infected with, assimilated into my system, fused with my suit, made me weak to the cold and now I'm capable of absorbing X for energy as metroids do."
"That's awfully convenient. Aren't there any side effects?"
"Well, I would develop an insatiable need to feast on the energy of living things if I don't do so for too long. And then I would eventually evolve into progressively higher-ranking human-metroid abominations until I become the next metroid queen, producing hundreds of metroid eggs for the rest of my miserable life."
"Oh. That hasn't happened yet, has it?"
The sunset of Zebes was very pretty. The two denizens of the tree watched the bloodred sun nearing the horizon as green-tinted clouds dropped their poison rain, eroding the very tree on which they perched.
"It's getting late." Samus observed. "Shouldn't you be going home to your mom?"
"Mother Brain? She's not my mom. She's not even a Space Pirate. The Chozo made her." He paused. "Or not. Hmm. I should really ask her about this."
"What the hell are Space Pirates anyways. You and Kraid don't look anything like normal Pirates."
Ridley smiled a terrible dragon smile. "Let's just say that I'm special."
"Of course you are. That's why I can do crap like-" She abrubtly turned and fired a super missile into Ridley's neck. The dragon's head recoiled, his jaw unhinged as if he was surprised, the tongue lolling out, the eyes rolling up. His head fell to the ground below and his limp body followed a second after, both landing with an audible splat. Two minutes later, Samus spotted Ridley winging in from the east, eventually settling down beside her.
"You were saying?"
"I was saying that's why I can do crap like killing you without worrying about you never coming back. You're almost as famous as me, you know." She smiled at him. "Popularity earns you immortality."
Ridley seemed to almost pout. "I'm not immortal. I just get cloned a lot of times."
"You mean reconstructed from your corpse."
"I mean I am an individual from a race collectively known as Ridley with whom I share a collective consciousness."
"Oh. That explains it."
"Hey, I just realized something."
"There are no trees on Zebes."
Suddenly, Samus fell 30 feet to the ground. She landed easily on her feet and dusted herself off as Ridley slowed his momentum with his wings.
"Dammit Ridley." She said as if this was his fault.
"Oh crap. I remembered something else. You blew up Zebes. It doesn't even exist anymore."
So Samus boarded her ship, flew away from the void where Zebes used to be, and made her way to Aether with Ridley leading the way. He landed and was surprised to see that Samus was already there waiting for him.
"Actually, I'm not Samus." And the black-blue phazon imbued creature dissolved into a million sparkling particles to be reformed in the depths of space.
"Are you Samus?" Ridley asked, turning towards a figure in an orange and yellow power suit.
"Nope. Nice try though. You have to look into my eyes to tell the difference."
"Oh, I see it now." Ridley leaned closer for a better view. "No pupils." The figure pixellated and mutated into a blue gelatinous form before hovering away.
"How about you?" Ridley pointed towards a human in an identical power suit. "You must be Samus."
"Actually, I'm Samus's daughter or granddaughter who inherited her Chozo blood and the suit when she died." She frowned up at the sky where Samus's ship was coming into view. "Buuut... she's not dead yet. They say that the Chozo blood makes her live for centuries. So I guess I'm not needed here." She walked away.
"Here I am." Samus said, emerging from her ship.
"Hey. It's about time. Let's go find a tree."
They had landed in Torvus Bog, so it wasn't difficult to find what they were looking for. The nearest tree was inhabitied by a swarm of colorful moths gathered around U-Mos, who was playing with a ball of light. Samus and Ridley climbed/flew up to greet the Luminoth.
"Hello Samus. Thank you for saving my planet the other day despite the lack of incentive for you to do so and our inability to pay you for your services."
"No problem. I did it out of the questionable goodness of my heart which is normally smothered under the selfishness and angst I've developed over the years of abandonment and cold-blooded genocide."
"Do you need this tree?"
"Okay. It's all yours." The Luminoth flew off, flapping his little wings with the cloud of moths trailing after him. K2-L human and Norfair dragon settled down to watch the horizon where the sun was just rising on this half of Aether.
"By the way, what happened to your power suit?" Ridley asked, noting the skimpy bikini the human was wearing.
Samus examined her suitless hand. "Well, I left Zebes within two hours of landing there, so I have to take it off. It's tradition."
"That's nice. But where is it now? Is it on your ship?"
"Yeah. It's a bit of a pain to carry around with me when I'm not wearing it. Too bad the suit isn't an integral part of my body which can be summoned into existence at any time..." She held her right hand out and the suit's arm cannon materialized over it. "...like this." She dropped her hand and the gun vanished. She glared at Ridley. "Do you have a problem with seeing me out of my suit?"
The dragon snorted. "Me? It seems like you're the one who's paranoid about someone discovering your 'secret identity'. I remember when you didn't want anyone to know that you're female, or even human!"
Samus turned red and she crossed her arms defiantly over her chest. "I didn't want anyone to see me all feminine and fleshy. It...ruins my dangerous and mysterious aura!"
Ridley rolled his eyes. "'Dangerous and mysterious aura' my butt. You grew up among the Chozo. I don't know what sort of taboos or standards they maintain, but I really don't think they socialized you to be secretive, stoic, or bad-ass."
Samus nervously combed her fingers through her hair. "I'm thinking about dying my hair green again. Or blonde. Whatever color it currently isn't."
"Don't change the subject." Ridley growled. "As I was saying, your personality today could hardly be a result of your upbringing. I mean, what the hell. You beat up men if they catch you undressing or in the shower. What an obviously female knee-jerk reaction. It's not as if you learned to be embarrassed or offended by people seeing you naked. If you were really bad-ass, you wouldn't even give a crap."
Samus stood up. "Speaking of showers, I feel like one now." She dropped out of the tree before Ridley could object. She entered her ship and was greeted by the onboard computerized CO.
"Welcome back, Lady. There is a new mission for you." Adam announced.
"Yeah? Let's hear it."
"A relatively hostile planet once inhabited by a race of technologically advanced yet tribal mystics houses some powerful creature or object that is being or is about to be abused, which, if not checked by you, would eventually cause the destruction of the Galactic Federation. You are to go there and obtain and/or destroy the offending object/creature/adversary(ies)/planet. Any objections, Lady?"
"Nope. I'm down with it. I'll get going once I finish my shower."
The shower room aboard Samus's hunter gunship was way too big considering the vehicle's small size. Samus entered daintily and let the strap of her bikini top slide down her gently muscular arms. With a flick of her fingers, she undid the side-tie of her panties and let them flutter to the ground, forgotten, as she stepped into the water and mist. The wet heat made her gasp as it hit her body, then she sighed as it turned into a pleasurable warmth. Her head lolled back lazily on her shoulders, her eyes closed, and her mouth parted slightly as if to catch droplets of liquid as they danced on her lips. Her tongue flicked out playfully to taste them. With her eyes still closed, Samus groped blindly for the soap and formed a white lather in her hands. She smoothed the resulting foam over her arms and pale neck, working down along the flawless shoulders, gently massaging her full breasts in both hands. Her breaths came through her mouth, heavy and loud, making her chest heave in a pulsing rhythm. She drew slow soap circles against her flat stomach and explored every other sensual curve of her body with her hands, soft moans escaping her throat whenever she touched a particularly sensitive area.
Finally, Samus rinsed herself off and dried her hair with a fluffy towel. Encasing herself in her suit again, she popped her head out the top of her ship to see if Ridley was still around. He was perched on a log in front of her ship, looking up as if expecting her.
"Hey Ridley, guess what." She called out.
"I've just received a new mission. I'll be heading out soon."
"But first, can you do me a favor?"
"Can you take all the powerups from my suit and scatter them in well-defended and difficult to reach locations where I can only access with my most recently obtained item and is guarded by a one-of-a-kind creature which can only be defeated by said item?"
"Sure, no problem." Ridley caught the various Chozo, Federation, Pirate, Luminoth, and Alimbic technologies as they fell out of the ship. He stepped back, allowing the Samus enough room to launch. "Good luck!" He said, waving good-bye.
Samus saluted the dragon briefly. "See you next mission." She said. The gunship drew Samus safely inside and roared to life, slowly rising off the ground. Then, with a burst of fire and acceleration, the bounty hunter flew off, disappearing among the stars.
Look out! Beware the lengthy author's notes below!
Hi everyone. As you can see, this story is obviously a parody. Several common or uncommon elements from other Metroid fanfics have been explored in this text, many of which I hope you recognize. You may have even authored a few of the fanfics I have been referring to. Nothing here is meant as an insult to anyone, but instead it is written to acknowledge the wonderful variety of trends, ambiguities and contradictions found in Metroid fanon and canon. I think the canon is very solid where it needs to be but extremely vague in all other areas. Naturally, this leads to the varying theories, perceptions, elaborations, and opinions which arise in fanfiction. All of them are valid as long as they are not contradicted by the canon. I find it annoying when someone disregards the facts due to ignorance or for the benefit of their fic. But what I hate even more is when one person decries the theory of another's due to a contradictory or better-established theory when in fact both beliefs are based on canon.
The worst example of this is the angsty Samus vs. the motherly Samus debate. One side thinks that she's sadistic, lacks self control, hates everything, and kills babies, while the other side thinks she has a high sense of morals and responsibilities, rescues every wounded thing lying in her path, and wuvs her metroid hatchling like a plushie. I am personally a devotee of the motherly side, but that does not mean the other side is wrong, or that I can't enjoy it expressed in fiction, or that the two sides can not coexist to some degree. It bears repeating that the two sides derive their arguments from the same sources, that being primarily the games. Let us, as authors and readers, not be confined, divided or defined by the stereotypes we ourselves have established. We should keep our minds open to controversial ideas, especially when they are well-founded and logical.
On a similar note, this story also addresses the concept of cliches in Metroid fanfiction. When I say that I don't like cliches, I mean that I do not like the concept of cliches, as opposed to not liking the occurrences of cliches. I realize that, with 400+ existing fanfics and a limited amount of canon fact or plot, it is difficult for fledgling Metroid writers to produce something completely original. They should not feel pressured to write new material; it's not fair to them that they happened to enter the fandom so much later than other writers. They are inspired by the same things which inspired their predecessors and thus should not be barred from writing about the same things. Even if they end up walking down a beaten path upon which many other people have travelled, the path is still fresh and exciting to them. Therefore, I don't let cliches bother me. I don't mind when I read about the Space Pirate raid on K2-L for the eleventeenth time. Each and every author, new and otherwise, brings some new and different angle to the Metroid fanfic community, even when writing about old concepts.
So, I wrote this very strange story partially in response to my frustration. I was also inspired by a Slayers fanfic of a similar nature which I read a long time ago called Waiting for a Plot by Harukami. You'll hafta google it if you wanna check it out since it's not on Fanfiction,net.
And a few more things: if you feel compelled to review this story, please make it a substantial review. I do not enjoy single-sentence mindless praise such as "zomg that was great I love it bye". Also, do not expect any questions asked in reviews to be answered; I read every review but I only respond to e-mails. And, above all, please do not mention my other fanfics in reviewing this story; they each have their own review pages for that purpose.