Here's a fun little series I'm starting. I want to have a fic just for the silliest things that are still IC. It has the Turks in it along with the usual group. I think this is great, cause I've been in stitches writing it. The sad thing is, I've had to deal with something like this before, and had to resort to a can of Endust and a golf putter to put an end to it.
This takes place after AC!
I don't own FF VII or any of her characters.
Tifa and Yuffie were sharing a room at the inn of Costa del Sol. They usually did so, seeing as they were the only female members of the entire group of friends. They would stay up late talking about sex and just how stupid men could be while painting their toe nails and trying out new and elaborate hairstyles. Pillow fights were common, usually while wearing pajamas that hardly deserved to be called by the name seeing as they were practically non-existent. The men of the group all wished they could see one of those fights, yet none had been able to gain entry or even to spy on them. Yuffie's ninja training made it impossible to sneak up on her.
Needless to say, it was not out of the ordinary to hear screams coming from the girls' bedroom. The other members of the group would shake their heads and go back to whatever task they were doing. They were used to it by now.
The Turks, however, were not.
At the sound of Yuffie screaming, they all jumped up, newspapers and books falling to the ground as they reached for their weapons. Rude and Reno were ready to run up the stairs when Cloud spoke.
"What the fuck do you mean, 'don't worry'! Yuffie just screamed!" Reno looked exasperated.
"They do that. If it's really something we need to be concerned about, you'll hear something break and yelling, not high-pitched female screeches."
Reno, Rude and Elena reluctantly put up their weapons, while Tseng remained standing for a moment longer looking up the stairs. He seemed to be in deep thought. Cloud and Reeve shared a glance, then both turned to Tseng.
"Don't even try it." They both said, going back to their respective papers.
"How can you be so calm about this?"
"This is nothing." Cloud said, not looking up from his paper.
"Yes, you should hear them during a pillow fight." Reeve replied, also not looking up from his paper. All three male Turks turned to look at him, imagining what a pillow fight between the two women would be like.
"They have pillow fights?" Tseng asked.
"Mmm hmmm. Scantily clad ones, at that." Cloud, Vincent, Cid, Barret and Red XIII all nodded their heads in agreement at Reeve's comment. The male Turks' jaws dropped, while Elena rolled her eyes at them and started reading her book again.
"Reeve, you knew they had scantily clad pillow fights and you didn't use Cait Sith to spy on them?" Reno made a snort of disgust after speaking.
"You think we haven't tried everything to do so?"
"Hell, we even hung Spikey here from the fucking roof with a spy glass and it didn't work." Cid chimed in, managing to drink his tea with a cigarette still in his mouth. Reno frowned at him, trying to figure out how he did it.
"Tried the hero route as well, dashing in to the rescue." Reeve said, earning more nods.
"I have yet to receive a more painful black eye than that time." Vincent said. Cid patted his shoulder, nodding in sympathy.
Tseng sighed and sat down again, seeing as there were no more screams coming from upstairs. He had finally relaxed into his chair with a novel in hand when Tifa screamed, just as loudly. He jumped again, but remained seated. Then both women screamed at the same time, and the sound of running feet was heard on the ceiling. Several loud bangs were heard then, followed by more screaming.
The AVALANCHE men were ignoring it, so the Turks decided to do so as well.
That was until they heard a door slam open and a pair of feet running down the hallway and subsequent stairs. The owner of the feet ran into to the inn lobby, where the Turks and AVALANCHE were relaxing. They all looked up at the visitor, then did double takes as they took in what they saw.
Yuffie was running up to them, sopping wet and wearing nothing more than a towel that was almost too small to cover her. Cid and Reno both had cigarettes hanging limp from their lips, ashes falling un-noticed onto their laps. Rude pulled down his shades to get a better look, while Tseng was sitting with his jaw in his lap and almost drooling. Elena just rolled her eyes again at her companions and went back to her book.
Yuffie looked around, noting the Turks, and waved, smiling at them.
"Hiya, Turkeys!" The didn't respond but for Elena, who smiled back. Yuffie turned her attention to the rest of the men in the room, looking for one in particular. She ran up to where Vincent was sitting, bending over slightly so that she was at eye level with him. The men behind her, the Turks, Reeve and Cloud, all tilted their heads to the same side, trying to gain a better view of what Yuffie's towel was barely concealing.
"Vinnie?" She said in a pathetic voice. Vincent looked up at her face from where he had been staring.
"Do not call me that, please." Yuffie ignored him, sitting down in the chair he was occupying. She wrapped her arms around one of his, laying her head on his shoulder. Her breasts were making a great deal of contact with Vincent's arm, causing Reno to curse Vincent's good luck. Vincent looked down at her, perplexed.
"But Vinnie, we need to borrow your gun! Can we, please? We'll bring it right back!" Vincent blinked at her request, both eyebrows arching near his hair line.
"No. You may not use it. Last time you asked you shot Cid in the foot." Cid grunted and glared at Yuffie for a moment. Yuffie just grinned sheepishly and blew the man a kiss.
"But we're not going to shoot people! Honest! Please, Vinnie? With whipped cream and chocolate syrup on top?"
"But-" Yuffie was interrupted by a scream from Tifa.
"Yuffie! Hurry up and get the gun! It moved!" Tifa screamed again. "HURRY BEFORE IT EATS ME!"
"TIFA!" Yuffie got up from beside Vincent and went to the edge of the room. "Vinnie won't give it to me!"
"Then get something else! It's looking at me funny!"
"Kay!" Yuffie turned back to the room, scanning each person before rushing over to Reno. She started going through his pants pockets before he realized it, discarding a pack of cigarettes and two materia. The materia made a few other eyebrows rise, seeing as Yuffie would take any that she got her hands on that didn't belong to AVALANCHE members.
"Not that I mind a mostly naked chic going through my pockets, but what the hell are you looking for?" Yuffie grumbled to herself, moving her search to his jacket. She found what she was looking for apparently, leaping up and running to the edge of the room again with a squeal of happiness.
"How bout a grenade? Will that work?" She yelled, clutching the object in her hand.
"Yes! Now get up here before it-EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEK!"
"Kay!" Yuffie was about to run out of the room, but Tseng stopped her with a firm grip on the wrist of the arm holding the grenade. "Hey! Lemme go!" She tugged slightly in an effort to free herself, but to no avail. She frowned at Tseng.
"You are not using that here."
"Well, we wouldn't have to if Vinnie would just give us his gun! Now let go!"
"What in the world do the two of you need with a gun? Or a grenade for that matter?"
"There's a spider in our bathroom."
"What?" Every person in the room sweatdropped except for Elena, who looked frightened. She got up and patted Yuffie's shoulder in understanding. Yuffie smiled at her show of support.
"You..." Tseng said, trying to remain calm. "You want to use a grenade on a spider?"
"Yuffie, it's a spider." Elena and Yuffie both gave Tseng a murderous look.
"It's a BIG spider, Tseng!" He rubbed his temple with his empty hand.
"Give me that." He managed to take the grenade from Yuffie and tossed it back to Reno, who thankfully caught it.
"HEY! We needed that!"
"No, you don't need it. I'll take care of your spider. Without a grenade." Yuffie blinked at him for a second, then squealed and hugged him around the middle.
"That's right! You're a Turk! You have guns!" Yuffie stopped hugging the shocked Tseng and grabbed his hand, dragging the man out of the room and up the stairs. "TIFA! Tseng's going to use his gun to take care of the spider!"
"Oh my gawd, really?"
"Yeah, really! Is it still in there?"
"Yes. It's near the sink, see Tseng? Right th-EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEK!" Tifa and Yuffie both screamed again, making the group of people in the lobby debate whether or not to go and see what was going on. Then they remembered Vincent's black eye, and they all changed their minds and went back to reading.
"Oh my gawd, Tseng, kill it before it eats us! Spiders have an un-natural appetite for deliciously beautiful young women! Kill it! Kill it! Killitkillitkillit!" Yuffie said, screaming again as they heard Tseng say something over her and Tifa's pleas for the spider's death.
"Holy shit!" Rude and Reno both stared at each other in shock. Elena over filled her coffee cup, burning her hand. Tseng never used profanity. NEVER. "You said it was a spider! Not the fucking sibling of Mothra!"
"Well, I told you it was big! But would you listen to me? Noooo! Hurry up and kill it, Tseng! I'll love you forever if you do!"
"Me too! Me too! Kill it!" The sound of a gun being cocked echoed through the inn, getting the attention of several of the people in the lobby. Cid was pointedly concentrating on his magazine, chanting to himself 'I don't want to know. I don't want to know.' to himself.
"If I die, you had best make sure my tombstone says something about the two of you being mostly nude and sobbing over my body."
"Of course! We'll even say you were part of one of our whipped cream fights!" Yuffie said. A collective groan came from the men in the lobby. Each one of them but Cid had their heads in their hands. Cid was chomping on his cigarette, still chanting. 'I don't want to fucking know. I don't want to fucking know.'
"Yes! And that you got to go mud wrestling with us!" Cloud and Reeve both whimpered. Cid was now glaring a hole into his magazine. 'I DON'T WANT TO FUCKING KNOW!'
Two shots rang out, then another scream from the two women and running feet again. The sound of a bed squeaking made Vincent and Reno whimper along with Cloud and Reeve. Red XIII just covered his ears with his paws. Cid just continued his mantra. 'I DON'T FUCKING WANT TO FUCKING KNOW!'
"IT RAN UNDER THE BED! TSENG I THOUGHT YOU SHOT IT?"
" I did!"
"SHOOT IT AGAIN!"
"You're on the bed it's hiding under, you know."
"EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEK!" The sound of another bed squeaking marked the movement of the women to the other bed in the room. Another shot rang out, then two more in short succession. There was silence for a moment.
"YAY, TSENG YOU'RE MY HERO!" Tifa yelled, the sound of someone nearly falling over escaping the bedroom.
"YOU'RE THE BEST SPIDER KILLER EVER IN THE WORLD!" The sound of someone actually falling over and hitting the floor surprised the group in the lobby. "I could just kiss you over and over again!"
"Would you two mind letting me up? I need to breath."
"Yuffie!" Tifa said. "You're towel's on the floor."
"What? Oh, damn."
This time, they all whimpered, and Cid looked ready to start crying. His magazine was almost ripped in half. Elena calmly stirred more sugar into her coffee.
"I'll get rid of it, I suppose."
"You have to come back, after its gone! We'll give you a massage, or something!"
"That's not necessary."
"Yes it is!" They both said in unison.
"There really is no reason for those glares..."
"Tseng, if you don't let us thank you, we'll hunt you down and MAKE you let us thank you!"
"Let's not get carried away."
"TSENG! YOU FUCKING MORON!" Reno yelled at the ceiling. "LET THEM DO WHATEVER THEY WANT TO YOU! YOU'RE TORTURING US HERE!" A round of applause met his words, and Reno took out another cigarette before bowing. Before long, there was something being dragged down the stairs. Tseng appeared before them, dragging a sheet along the floor after him. They all watched as what he was dragging came into view.
A spider half the size of Red XIII was on it's back, legs curled up in death.
"She wasn't kidding about how big it was..." Cloud said out loud. Elena snorted.
"If a woman says a spider is big, than it's big. Never think we're exaggerating when it comes to bugs." She said, sipping her coffee.
"I'll remember that."
The door of the inn slammed open and shut, signaling the exit of the spider from the premises. Then they heard Tseng yell again.
"SHIT!" Three more gun shots rang out in the night air. "What the hell is this, Night of the Living Dead Spiders?" Another gun shot. "RENO! GIVE ME THAT GRENADE!" Reno walked over to the window, pulling the grenade out of his jacket pocket while Cid was kind enough to open the window wider for him.
"Here you go, boss." Reno tossed it outside at Tseng, noticing the apparently living spider crouched and ready to attack. Tseng pulled the pin and waited a few seconds before tossing it at the spider. It exploded just as the spider went to leap away from it, sending a shower of purple and yellow puss everywhere. Including all over Tseng's suit. The man stood there in disgust, unable to think about the fact that there was spider puss covering his body.
Tifa and Yuffie ran down the stairs, going out the door after Tseng. They reached him, each with a hand over her mouth in shock. Tifa was wearing boyshorts with a tank top, both in grey with pink stripes down the sides. Yuffie had on loose pants that clung to her body, and a tight cami that left no doubt to what they concealed. They were also gray but with yellow stripes.
"Poor Tseng!" The girls proceeded to remove Tseng's jacket, using it to wipe off his hands and the little that was on his face. Yuffie then carefully removed Tseng's gun from his hand, taking care to put the safety on before tucking it in it's holster on Tseng's side. Both women took one of his hands and led him back inside the inn and up the stairs. A door shut, only to be opened a few minutes later by Yuffie carrying Tseng's clothing over to the innkeeper.
"Can you get these to a cleaners for us?" The innkeeper nodded and put the clothes in a large bag, setting it behind the counter. Yuffie thanked him before running back upstairs and up to the room she and Tifa shared. They heard a shower running before the door was shut. Cloud sighed loudly.
"We told him not to think about going up there." Reeve said into the room, once again picking up his newspaper. Everyone followed suit, reading and relaxing as though nothing out of the ordinary had happened.
Seriously, I have a golf putter for the express purpose of killing spiders. I call it Arachni-death. Hope you liked this!