Disclaimer: I own nothing. All the characters are very OOC versions of those from J.K. Rowling's fabulous books.
Also, the story includes allusions to She's a Star's Lamentations of a Starry-Eyed Twit. If you haven't read it, you should; it's hilarious.
In which the Death Eaters discover the downsides of online chatting
"What, precisely, is the purpose of this?" asked Snape, tapping his fingers on the table and looking extremely annoyed. It was Wednesday night, and Voldemort had just called a meeting. Again. And the Dark Lord was late. Again.
"No idea. Wonder where he is though..." Rookwood muttered, glancing at his watch.
"Yeah, and where's Auntie Bella?" asked Draco, looking confused. "She's not usually late..."
"What are those?" asked Peter, indicating the 20-or-so oddly shaped lumps underneath a sheet atop the table.
"This had better be good," said Nott Jr. sulkily. "I'm missing Lost, and there's a new episode on tonight."
Voldemort, apparently, seemed to decide that this was the right time to make a dramatic entrance. "Death Eaters! Minions!" he cried, entering the room with a flourish of his cape. "I have a new plan!" He whisked a sheet off of the 20-or-so brand new computers in assorted colors which were conveniently lying on the table next to him. "We are going to start... our own chat room!"
For once, the Death Eaters didn't ignore Voldemort, as they typically did when he came up with one of his 'brilliant' plans. Instead, they clustered around the new computers, obviously impressed.
"Can these play the Sims?"
"Do they have I-Tunes?"
"Do we get to keep them?"
"Is virtual pinball installed?"
"Silence!" Voldemort barked. Everyone shut up. "Yes, you get to keep them." The Death Eaters raised their eyebrows and exchanged surprised glances at this unaccustomed generosity. "In fact," Voldemort continued, sounding quite pleased with himself, "Each of you will, in fact, be taking one home with you after the meeting tonight. Bella and I have worked all afternoon to set up a secure online chat room that will enable us to keep in contact. Those morons at the Ministry may be monitoring the Floo network, but they will never be prepared to deal with this!" He gestured dramatically toward the new computers.
"Now, seeing as how some of you may be technologically challenged..." Wormtail cringed as Voldemort's glare fell on him. He had mistaken the computer cord to Voldemort's laptop for an extension cord the other day and unplugged it while the Dark Lord was winning at an online pinball tournament with Rodolphus. Needless to say, Voldemort hadn't been too pleased. "I have decided," Voldemort continued, after shooting him a particularly nasty glare, "that we shall all have a test run of the chat room here, to make sure that all of you can handle this simple task properly. Each of you is to find a computer, create a user name for yourself and sign in. Now we will see who is the evilest wizard of them all!" he added in a hiss. "Take that, Sauron!"
After enduring a bit of shoving, arguing, and complaining over who got what color (Peter was, unfortunately, left with the hot pink computer, which caused him to be even sulkier than usual), Snape succeeded in creating a user name and logging in. He was met with the words:
You have entered private chat room DeathEatersAreUs.
"Original," he muttered sarcastically.
Moderator EvilestDarkLordOfThemAll: Now, witness the full brilliance of Lord Voldemort!
Moderator EvilestDarkLordOfThemAll: And Bella.
WickedWitchOfTheWorld: Thank you.
RatsAreUnderappreciated: I don't get it. What are we doing here?
Moderator EvilestDarkLordOfThemAll: This is a private room where I can discuss with you all my plans to rule the Universe! Mwa ha ha ha ha!
Moderator EvilestDarkLordOfThemAll: Mwa ha ha ha ha ha ha!
Moderator EvilestDarkLordOfThemAll: Mwa ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!
Moderator EvilestDarkLordOfThemAll: Mwa ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!
RodolphusTheRidiculous: We get it already!
Moderator EvilestDarkLordOfThemAll: Quiet! As I was saying, before I was so rudely interrupted, we will discuss our private plans here. No one will ever discover them, because no one else can possibly discover this chat.
WeasleyIsOurKing, KnowItAllHG, and TheChosenOne have entered the room.
HalfBloodPrince: You were saying...?
"Bella!" Voldemort shouted.
"I thought it was secure!" she yelled back. "I will have it fixed in moments, Master, never fear!"
KnowItAllHG: Honestly, Ron, if you're going to make me a screen name...
WeasleyIsOurKing: Hey, at least I got you in here, doesn't that count for something? Even if the user names I made for you are a little... interesting...
TheChosenOne: The Chosen One? Could you be a little more obvious?
Moderator EvilestDarkLordOfThemAll: Ah, Harry Potter. What, exactly, may I ask, are you doing in our chatroom?
KnowItAllHG: Sigh Harry thought that it would be... amusing... to break into your chat room.
TheChosenOne: Under FALSE NAMES so as not to ADVERTISE our presence.
MalfoyTheDragon: Well, well, well... if it isn't the scarhead, the weasel, and the mudblood...
HalfBloodPrince: Welcome to the conversation, Draco.
MalfoyTheDragon: Sorry, I was distracted. My Sims aren't cooperating! Grr.
KnowItAllHG: Malfoy the dragon. How original.
MalfoyTheDragon: At least I'm not a know-it-all Mudblood like some people.
WeasleyIsOurKing: Will you shut your bloody trap?
HalfBloodPrince: Language, Weasley, language. 20 points from Gryffindor.
KnowItAllHG: Um, Professor? You don't teach at Hogwarts anymore, remember?
TheChosenOne: Yeah, Snape, maybe if you hadn't MURDERED THE HEADMASTER...
Moderator EvilestDarkLordOfThemAll: It was on my orders. Don't I get some credit? In fact, he only killed him because Draco screwed up.
MalfoyTheDragon: Not my fault. Well, not really. Ok, I guess most of it was my fault.
HarryIsMyHero has entered the room.
HarryIsMyHero: When I asked you to get me in here, I didn't ask you to give me a ridiculous name!
WeasleyIsOurKing: It's true though.
HarryIsMyHero: Stupid brother. Hi Harry, Hermione.
TheChosenOne: Hey, Ginny!
Moderator EvilestDarkLordOfThemAll: As happy as I'm sure this discussion is for you, might I remind you that you are intruding on OUR PRIVATE CHAT ROOM?
KnowItAllHG: It's obviously not very private if we were able to get in.
TheChosenOne: Yeah, Voldie, what's up with that? Losing your touch? Or is it just because you lost to Sauron on the last Most Blatantly Evil Wizard of the Month poll?
Moderator EvilestDarkLordOfThemAll: How dare you insult my evilness? THE TITLE OF MOST EVIL WIZARD WAS MINE, DAMN IT! CRUCIO!
RatsAreUnderappreciated: Um... Master? I don't think spells work over the internet...
"I knew that!" Voldemort shouted in Wormtail's general direction. "How dare you suggest that I didn't? Who do you think I am, a brainless, headless, everything-except-for-a-disembodied-eye-less idiot like Sauron? Crucio!"
Voldemort continued to rant, long after Wormtail's shouts had diminished. "Sauron isn't even a wizard! He's a Maia! They should not have even included him in that poll! It was blatant favoritism, that's what it was! Just because I happen to be in a children's book..." Snape, having heard this diatribe about fifty times already, tuned it out, as did the rest of the Death Eaters. To tell the truth, he was somewhat more disturbed by the latest arrival to the chat room.
TheStarryEyedTwit has entered the room.
Moderator EvilestDarkLordOfThemAll: Get out of my chat room!
WickedWitchOfTheWorld: Darn it... why aren't the privacy controls working properly?
TheStarryEyedTwit: Because you forgot to set them, I think. Hello, Severus.
KnowItAllHG: Professor Sinistra!
TheStarryEyedTwit: "Auriga"? Is that all you have to say to me? Hmm?
TheStarryEyedTwit: YOU ARE EVIL! YOU KILLED ALBUS DUMBLEDORE, YOU censored !
HalfBloodPrince: Ever the dramatic one, aren't we, Auriga?
TheStarryEyedTwit: OOOH, YOU'LL PAY FOR THIS, YOU censored ! I'VE GOT A WHOLE CABINETFUL OF COFFEEMUGS JUST READY AND WAITING FOR YOU!
HalfBloodPrince: That will be quite unnecessary! Don't you think you are overreacting somewhat? After all, the unfortunate incident in the tower wasn't entirely my fault. There was a little thing called an Unbreakable Vow involved, and the fact that Dumbledore ordered me to...
Moderator EvilestDarkLordOfThemAll: Don't worry, I always knew you were a traitor anyway. You're already down on my To Kill list. See, fourth from the top, "Severus Snape". Under Potter, McGonagall, and Draco.
MalfoyTheDragon: Why me!
Moderator EvilestDarkLordOfThemAll: Well, I would've offed Lucius for his bungle at the Department of Mysteries, but Lucius is in Azkaban, so you'll have to do.
MalfoyTheDragon: Oh, so the whole Kill-Dumbledore-At-All-Costs thing was supposed to be a suicide mission. I knew it.
TheStarryEyedTwit: YOU'RE NOT FOOLING ME, SNAPE! I'M NOT STUPID, YOU KNOW!
HalfBloodPrince: Really. Then why don't you use your... scintillating... :sneer: intellect for once, instead of continuing with these ridiculous hysterics.
TheStarryEyedTwit: THEY ARE NOT RIDICULOUS HYSTERICS!
TheChosenOne: Would both of you please shut up!
HalfBloodPrince: :Sneer: Don't tell me to shut up, Potter. And Auriga, if your excessive devotion to the caps lock is any indication...
TheStarryEyedTwit: At least I'm not :sneer:ing at everyone who bothers to talk to me. And for the record, virtual sneers don't look nearly as convincing as they do in real life!
Moderator EvilestDarkLordOfThemAll: Oh for the love of...
ModeratorEvilestDarkLordOfThemAll has banned HalfBloodPrince and TheStarryEyedTwit from the chat room.
TheChosenOne: Thank God.
KnowItAllHG: Really! And teachers too! Totally unprofessional behavior in front of impressionable students.
WeasleyIsOurKing: Bloody hell, Hermione, you'd think all teachers were saints or something, the way you go on about it.
KnowItAllHG: Hmph! I just think that they should show more professional behavior in front of their students! As if you even know what the word "professional" means! I bet you haven't even started on your Transfiguration essay yet!
WeasleyIsOurKing: What Transfiguration essay?
GoddessOfWisdom has entered the room.
"Bella!" Voldemort shrieked.
WickedWitchOfTheWorld: Not again.
KnowItAllHG: Professor McGonagall?
WeasleyIsOurKing: What are you doing here!
ModeratorEvilestDarkLordOfThemAll: That was my line.
GoddessOfWisdom: Well, it's kind of a long story, but you see, Albus had this chat network bookmarked on his computer... and I was curious. By the way, Mr. Weasley, have you started on your Transfiguration essay? School starts in two weeks, you know.
WeasleyIsOurKing: Bloody hell.
WeasleysWizardWheezes has entered the room.
WeasleyIsOurKing: Fred? George? What are you doing here?
ModeratorEvilestDarkLordOfThemAll: Stop stealing my line! Bella! What are they doing here?
WeasleysWizardWheezes: We just thought we'd pop in, you see.
WeasleysWizardWheezes: To give you a bit of comic relief.
ModeratorEvilestDarkLordOfThemAll: Well, shut up now! In fact, everyone shut up! This was supposed to be a chat network for Death Eaters, not for stuck up teenagers or distraught Astronomy professors! Yeesh. I need an Advil.
MinistryOfMagic has entered the room.
"I'm working on it!"
MinistryOfMagic: HA! We've finally found you! We're not completely incompetent after all!
MinistryOfMagic has changed name to MinistryOfMagicAreMorons.
MinistryOfMagicAreMorons: That's not funny! Who did that?
MinistryOfMagicAreMorons has changed name to IncompetentFoolsRUs.
IncompetentFoolsRUs: Who keeps changing our user name?
WeasleysWizardWheezes: We were in no way responsible for this. We were also in no way responsible for the exploding fireworks at Hogwarts last year, the ton-tongue toffees distributed to all the Ministry officials as an April Fools Day gift, and the bomb that is about to go off in Dolores Umbrage's office in 30 seconds.
IncompetentFoolsRUs: Oh, crap.
IncompetentFoolsRUs has left the room.
WeasleyIsOurKing: That was bloody brilliant!
WeasleysWizardWheezes: To order our products, come to number 94 Diagon Alley! Except, if you're a Death Eater, don't.
WeasleysWizardWheezes has left the room.
Moderator EvilestDarkLordOfThemAll: There's an idea! We can bomb the Ministry of Magic. Take them by surprise! Not only by surprise, but totally unarmed!
TheChosenOne: Really, Moldywart, I didn't know you were into Muggle movies. No wonder your poll rates are slipping.
"I'll kill the insolent brat!" Voldemort fumed. "Trust him to recognize my not-so-subtle Monty Python allusions!"
WickedWitchOfTheWorld: How dare you insult my Master!
TheChosenOne: Well, well. If it isn't Sirius' murderer.
MadEyeMoody has entered the room.
WickedWitchOfTheWorld: Just you wait, Potter. Soon you'll be with your dear Sirius. I'll get you, my pretty, and your little owl too!
MadEyeMoody: CONSTANT VIGILENCE!
ModeratorEvilestDarkLordOfThemAll has banned MadEyeMoody from the chat.
Moderator EvilestDarkLordOfThemAll: Bloody Aurors.
SnorkacksRule, SuperAurorTonks, and SkeeterBug have entered the room.
WickedWitchOfTheWorld: Oh, good grief...
SkeeterBug: Rita Skeeter, Daily Prophet Reporter... Tell me, what's it like being the second-most evil Dark Lord in the world? Are you upset by the recent poll that ranked you lower than Sauron? How does it make you feel? Hurt? Wounded? Betrayed?
Moderator EvilestDarkLordOfThemAll: GET OUT! GET OUT OF MY CHAT! IS THE MEANING OF THE WORD "PRIVATE" TOTALLY LOST ON YOU?
TheEyeOfSauron has entered the room.
TheEyeOfSauron: Hello, Voldemort.
TheEyeOfSauron: Aye, it is I, the evil... eye! Wow, that's catchy.
TheChosenOne: I'm not even going to ask how a disembodied eye can type anything.
ModeratorEvilestDarkLordOfThemAll: Never mind that, WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY CHAT ROOM?
TheEyeOfSauron: Really, Voldie, still upset over last month's Evilest Wizard Monthly poll? You were only... 56 percent behind me.
"Aaaaaagh!" shouted Voldemort. "AVADA KEDAVRA!"
Everyone winced at the sound of breaking glass caused by the violent demise of what had formerly been Voldemort's computer screen. When the Death Eaters glanced cautiously over to Voldemort's seat, they found that he was breathing heavily, still very red in the face. "Take THAT Sauron!" he declared. (No one was bold – or stupid – enough to remind him that Sauron was not, in fact, inside the computer and Voldemort's attack could not have had any effect on him whatsoever.) "What are you all staring at!" the second-most evil Dark Lord added angrily. The Death Eaters quickly turned back to their computers, not wanting to meet the same untimely end as Voldemort's computer.
"Oh, I give up!" Bellatrix shrieked five minutes later, slamming her fist through her computer screen as ten more assorted Hogwarts students entered the chat room.
"I really don't think this idea is going to work," Peter agreed, shutting his computer down in a more traditional fashion. Snape nodded with relief and did the same.
Voldemort tapped his fingers together in thought. Then, a light bulb flashed in his mind. "Death Eaters! Minions! I have a better plan!" he proclaimed.
"Oh no," muttered Snape.
"We are going to start our own Yahoo Group!"
Reviews are always appreciated! Please tell me if you think this is worth continuing...