DISCLAIMER: I don't own Namco, Soul Calibur, or any of the characters. This is just a fan fiction.

A Day in the Life

Chapter 1: Xianghua's Story

"Deserts suck," Xianghua said under her breath. She had been traveling through the sandy, deserted desert for quite some time now, but had forgotten why she was going this way. She figured it was either to find and destroy Soul Edge, or to go get some macaroni at the local supermarket. However, she had passed the supermarket an hour ago, so most likely she was looking for Soul Edge, unless she was daydreaming too much and didn't realize she had gone past it.

"Deserts suck," she repeated, forgetting that she had already mentioned deserts and how they sucked.

Finally, she noticed a shadow come over her, and looked up to see a relatively large house shielding her from the boiling heat of the sun.

"Deserts… suck?"

She stared at it for five seconds, not moving, then started running as fast as she could towards the savior house, chanting, "Deserts suck! Deserts suck! Deserts suck!"

When she finally made it to the doorstep, she dropped her sword and commenced rapidly ringing the doorbell. She could hear footsteps from within, but they seemed to move away from the door she was at. She waited a minute, but still no response. She rang the doorbell a few more times. Before anyone came to the door, she noticed the paperboy drop dead as he rode his bicycle past the house. She was about to run over to help him, but the door finally swung open, hitting her on the back of her head.

She rubbed the bruise on her skull and turned around to meet the face of a man with a wooden arm wearing a mask at the door, as well as a man with bandages covering his face. Xianghua's jaw dropped slightly at the sight of these two strange looking folks.

The masked man spoke, "Ah, a guest! How may we be of service to thee?"

Xianghua responded, "Deserts su- I mean, I really need water, please. Please." Again, she didn't realize she had just repeated herself.

The man smiled behind his white mask. "Ah, of course! We have not received any visitors here in the past!" He reached out his mechanical right arm and pulled Xianghua inside by the shoulder. "Voldo!" he said to the bandaged man. "Give this young lady a glass of water, please." Voldo bowed slightly and ran down the hallway, straight into a wall. Xianghua and the masked man both flinched as he fell onto his back then got up and ran into the kitchen.

"Please excuse him. He is blind. And mute. And possibly diseased in more than one way," the man said. He pointed to a seemingly comfortable chair against a white painted wall. "Come, sit here. My name is Yoshimitsu, and I shalt do what I am able to do in order to make you as comfortable as possible."

Voldo came running clumsily back down the hall, gripping a glass of water with his right hand, and flailing his left arm at the same time. Yoshimitsu snatched the glass out of his hand as he dashed past him and collided with yet another wall. Xianghua took it out of his hand and chugged it as fast as she could.

When she had finished, she dropped the glass on the carpet. "Actually, could you tell me where the bathroom is?" Xianghua asked, almost out of breath.

"Certainly. 'Tis down that hall and across from the kitchen."

Xianghua zoomed down the hall and into the room across from the kitchen, turned on the sink, and stuck her mouth underneath the faucet, letting the water fall down her throat.

Yoshimitsu stood in the doorway, hands at his side. "My, thou art thirsty indeed. Please, tell me thy story, Xianghua."

Xianghua pulled her head out of the sink, confused. "How'd you know my name?" Yoshimitsu pointed to the nametag sticking to her shirt. "When did I get that?" she asked herself. Yoshimitsu guided her back to the chair she had originally sat in, which was currently occupied by Voldo. Yoshimitsu pushed him out of the seat and guided him over to his wooden rocking chair. He then sat down in the chair across from Xianghua's and crossed his legs in the classic psychiatrist pose.

Xianghua started to explain. "Well, I've been trekking through the desert for days, hours even, before I found your house in the middle of nowhere."

Yoshimitsu scratched his head. "Desert? There is no desert nearby."

"Yes there is, we're right in the middle of one."

"Nay, we residest in a city here." Yoshimitsu pointed out the window as Voldo pulled the curtains away from view to reveal a bustling city with tall buildings and dozens of people.

Xianghua raised an eyebrow, and then realized, "Oh, I remember now. I forgot to take my pills this morning." She reached into her pocket and pulled out a pillbox, opened the box labeled Saturday, and shook the contents into her mouth. "Ah, now I can see. And now I remember that I was just going to the supermarket to get some macaroni. Wow, I must be miles from my house." Xianghua thought for a second. "Oh, and you might want to know that there's a dead paperboy in your front yard."

Yoshimitsu glided across the carpet and opened the curtains to see the corpse of the paperboy, with a few civilians standing around him, conversing. "Ah, well, he was a snot anyway."

"Uh, okay." Xianghua seemed baffled at his nonchalant reaction. Most people she knew would be horrified, she'd seen a few old people faint in front of her in the past.

"Well, thou may stayest here if thou wisheth," Yoshimitsu said. "I shall giveth thee a tour of the house." He led Xianghua down the hall, and through a few doors to the back porch, while Voldo trailed behind, navigating through the dark maze. "Here we have our hot tub, in which thou mayest relax if thou wisheth."

Xianghua's eyes widened at the sight before she was taken back inside and down a staircase. "Here we have our indoor in-ground swimming pool, in which thou mayest swim and exercise if thou wisheth."

The sides of her mouth steadily curved upward before she was taken back upstairs into the living room. "Here we have our plasma-screen television, which thou mayest view at leisure if thou wisheth."

A brilliant smile crept across her face. "How do you have a TV? It hasn't even been invented yet!"

Yoshimitsu scratched his head. "Well, let's just say I know a balding old man from the future with crazy, pointy hair and a son that he killed but resurrected himself by selling his soul to the devil, then swearing revenge on his father."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"'Tis just a metaphor."

"Did I mention that you're my best friend in the world?" Xianghua said to Yoshimitsu as she flung herself onto the sofa, placing her feet on top of the coffee table in front of it, turning the TV on with the remote, then holding onto the sides of the sofa as the incredibly loud sounds of explosions from the surround sound speakers blew her backwards, deeper into her seat. She managed to turn her head to the side to discover that neither Yoshimitsu nor Voldo still remained behind the couch, and the window behind where they were once standing was open.

Whoops. I guess the sound blew them out the window. Xianghua reached the remote control to turn down the volume. She sighed. It wasn't nearly as exciting with the volume decreased. She turned it back up and sat for hours with her fingers tightly clenched around the armrests of the sofa.

Voldo, seemingly immune to the effects of the television volume, returned to the living room, holding out a tall glass of iced tea for her. Xianghua attempted to grab it from him but was unable to release the armrests from the prison of her fingers. She knew she couldn't reach it anyway, as Voldo was facing the wrong way.

"Just put it on the table!" she screamed as loud as she possibly could. Voldo put his hand to his ear. "I said the table!" Voldo nodded, placing the glass on the floor and tripping over the coffee table on the way back.

Hours later, after forcing herself to leave the living room to transfer herself over to the dining room for the largest, most filling and most delicious meal she had consumed since she had gotten a membership at Astaroth's fitness center for the morbidly obese, she received a relaxing massage from Voldo's smooth, ironically wrinkle-free hands.

"This is the best day of my life," she said to herself. "The only thing that could ruin this is if..."

A sudden, sentence-interrupting crash met everyone's ears as the door swung open.

"…Kilik?"

Kilik ran in with a new, unreadable tattoo on his chest, wearing only a towel around his waist, holding a piece of paper in the air.

"What's going on here!" he screamed with fury, pulling his towel up higher.

Xianghua hesitated. "I don't know. You tell me. What happened to your clothes?"

"I mean this!" Kilik shouted, shaking the piece of paper. "Here, let me read it to you. I'm sure you'll find it familiar!" He held the paper in front of his face.

"Dear Xianghua,

Thanks for the great time last weekend. You're a totally awesome gal. Let's do it again sometime, as long as it fits my schedule, because you know how busy I am all the time. You can pick the restaurant again; you have great taste, but I already told you that at the movie. Remember to call me. My number's 555-6294.

With loads of love,

Maxi

P.S. Kilik's a dumbass."

Kilik's hand clenched into a fist and threw the letter into the ground. Xianghua hesitated, mouth agape, eyes swaying to the left. After a moment, she looked back up at Kilik.

"Who's Maxi?"

What happened to Kilik's clothes? Where did the mysterious tattoo come from? What happened to the paperboy? Why does Voldo serve Yoshimitsu now? What sorts of mental diseases does Voldo have? Stay tuned to find out.

Next Chapter: Kilik's Story.