disclaimer: whoa boy, he does not belong to me. lucky for Mr. Wolf, I do not want him as a slave, not even for sex, so he can just stay the hell away from my lawyer.

just so you know: this never happened. so don't start contacting me trying to get a hold of the autographed Dick Wolf photos. I am not about to rip them off my bathroom wall.

found on the desk of Dick Wolf between the Spring issue of Maxim and the quarterly report from the marketing office

Dear Mr. Wolf,

How's it going, man? I have like the utmost respect for you. I mean, you run like what? Five shows? Four shows? Six shows? Something like that? And man, that is TOUGH. Stress level? Yeah, totally. So anyway, you're probably wondering who I am. My name is Kate. I sent this year's class picture. I know there are 396 of us, but I am in the fifteenth row, third from the right. Between the one puking and the kid smoking a fag- I've got the white and blue hat on. And a friendly, trustworthy smile. Yes, very trustworthy. I have credentials. I'll be forwarding them any day now. I know you must be very busy this season, what with your new show and such, but I figured a little help would be welcomed in your case. Well, I offer my fan based resources to anyone, including you. I know what the fans want. If you want some of that, you can give me a call, baby.

Love and kisses, Kate

found in the mailbox of Kate

Dear Miss Kate,

Thank you for your interest in the show. Comments are always appreciated.

Autographed photograph enclosed.

Sincerely,

Dick Wolf

found beside the coffee machine beneath the 'Life's a Bitch' paperweight

Hey Wolf-O,

Do you have a street name? I think Wolf-O would be total cred.

Anywhoo, I got your letter. thanks for the picture. you're looking pretty snazzy, bro. so I've been thinking, and this is my first suggestion for the show: DONUT STAND. the station is running out of money. cragen says they should build a donut stand and sell donuts for money. the idea's a hit, and they make a lot of money. but what will they do when someone mixes up the glazed and sprinkles orders? it's a mystery only the special victims unit can solve!

I see cash. lots of cash. increased viewers. the whole she-bang.

respecting the bling, Kate

found in the mailbox of Kate

Dear Miss Kate,

Thank you for your interest in the show. Comments are always appreciated.

Autographed photograph enclosed.

Sincerely,

Dick Wolf

found in the staff room beside the company gag reels

Schmoogle,

I believe you are mistaken, since I already have a pic of you with the thumbs-up sign. I think I will scan this to Photoshop and sell it as cheap porn on the internet. college prices are rising, you know.

at any rate, I didn't see any donuts on last night's show. I am thinking you may have mistaken my suggestion about donuts for rape victims. I understand the common spelling errors that may be involved, but I am pretty sure that 'donut stand' is not spelled M-O-L-E-S-T-A-T-I-O-N. I have another proposition: hairstyles. Olivia's is wearing on me, and Elliot needs his mohawk, real rebellious, you know? Huang's is not gay enough. let's emphasize the homosexuality more, Biggs.

get back to me, Boy Toy- Kate

found in the mailbox of Kate

Dear Miss Kate,

Thank you for your interest in the show. Comments are always appreciated.

Autographed photograph enclosed.

Sincerely,

Dick Wolf

in da next, much more exciting chapter: Kate makes a visit to the men's room, Dickie caves, and the entire office is treated to pastries.