The Evils of AU
Disclaimer: I don't own Final Fantasy 7. I've also lost what little shreds of sanity I had while trying to read some of the monstrosities you people call 'fanfiction'.
Author's Notes: This is one of those fics where offense should be taken by no-one and yet everyone at the SAME TIME! Gweehee! That's right, I'm bashing everyone and everything! Cannon and non-cannon, NPC's and real characters! No pairing is safe, not even the ones I personally support! Nothing is sacred!
...so, could ya guys, like, not flame me? It's all in good humor and all. I'm not making fun of any individual stories or authors, y'know.
Ahem...and now I present to you...
The Evils of AU!
Chapter One: The Sephiroth Complex
The tension was so thick in the Highwind's meeting room; one could cut it with a knife. It was such a completely tangible tension that the save point, healer, and PHS all wrapped up into one random NPC, who shall henceforth be named Godzilla, was beginning to feel nervous. No, nervous could not describe the feeling of abject terror that had settled itself in the pit if Godzilla's stomach. Something bad was going to happen, and he knew it. He could feel it coming.
The entirety of Avalanche was sitting around the meeting room table. Well, that wasn't really an accurate description, considering that Barret and Tifa were the only real members of Avalanche, maybe also Cloud. The rest of this motley crew was just along for the ride, and so writers the internet over had begun to include them in Avalanche, because it was easier than writing "Cloud, Tifa, Barret, Cid, Red XIII, Yuffie, Vincent and Cait Sith were sitting around the table in the Highwind's meeting room."
In any case, Cloud, Tifa, Barret, Cid, Red XIII, Yuffie, Vincent and Cait Sith were all sitting around the table in the Highwind's meeting room. No-one was speaking, for they were all waiting for the right moment to announce their news...and boy, did all of them have big news!
Finally, every single one of them arrived at the conclusion that they had reached their perfect moment, and, in unison, they all exclaimed "I have an announcement!"
Of course, they were all quite surprised, considering the fact that everyone was perfectly synchronized with everyone else, so the room returned to tense silence for a few more moments. Everyone was waiting for someone else to speak first, to announce their big news, so no-one really said anything until they all, finally, decided to be the first one to speak.
At the exact same time.
"I've decided to go declare my undying love for Sephiroth!" they all shouted, in perfect unison.
Godzilla's cry of utter horror and dismay as he fell to the floor, attempting to claw the mental images out of his brain, was largely ignored by Avalanche as they all stared at each other in shock for a few minutes. Cloud was the first to speak.
"...so, you're all in love with Sephiroth too?" he asked, timidly.
"$# yeah! How could we not be, with those big $#$#in' muscles and those gorgeous silken $# locks of silver hair!" Cid demanded, and Cloud shuddered a little involuntarily.
"Cid, you're straight. You have a wife," Cloud reminded him, and Cid scoffed.
"Are you $#in' kidding? I hate women! Why the $# do you think I always yell at $$ Shera! I'm totally $#in' gay!" the pilot replied. Cloud just arched an eyebrow, and decided to move on to the next person for the sake of sanity.
That next person just happened to be Tifa.
"Tifa, you're not in love with Sephiroth, you're in love with me. Besides, he killed your father, burned Nibelheim to the ground, and sliced you from head to toe!" Cloud exclaimed to the brunette. She sighed, dreamily.
"Yeah, but (censored due to sexual implications)!" Tifa replied. Cloud blinked, stunned by her logic.
"Can't argue with that," he replied.
"Sho' can't!" Barret exclaimed. Cloud turned to him.
"All right, Barret! You have a daughter! You had a wife! There is no possible way that you're gay! And you hate Sephiroth, or at least that's what all the fanfiction writers would have us believe!" Cloud exclaimed.
"Well, Cloud," Barret started, sighing heavily, "I was actually gay all along. I had feelings for Dyne, but I knew he was straight, seeing as how Marlene's his daughter and all, so I hid my feelings and married some woman to try and un-gayify myself, but it didn't really work, and through a really, really, REALLY strange coincidence, Sephiroth looks almost identical to Dyne...'cept he's paler and has long silver hair and two hands and wears bondage gear for clothing," Barret replied. Cloud wasn't sure what he was surprised by more, the fact that Barret had just confessed to being gay, or the fact that he hadn't thrown in a ton of random senseless 'black folk slang' into his little speech.
"...right," was Cloud's response, as he moved on to the next person.
"Red...or Nanaki, or whatever the hell your name is...you're a cat...or a dog, or something," Cloud told the canine/feline hybrid.
"Umm...actually, I'm a deformed hairy elephant," Red replied.
"Right, well, you're not even the same species as Sephiroth, that's for sure, so you can't be in love with him," the spiky-headed leader pointed out.
"But species doesn't matter when it comes to true LURVE! I'm sure Sephiroth wouldn't mind a little bestiality!" Red replied, his one eye misting over as a dreamlike trance overtook him. Cloud sweatdropped (despite the fact that Final Fantasy 7 is, in fact, a video game and not an anime) and decided to just move along.
He rolled his eyes when he saw who was next in line.
"Yuffie, everyone here knows you're in love with me, or Vincent, or Reno, or even all three. And if not, you're secretly in love with Cid, Barret, Tifa, Red, Cait, Reeve, the learner pilot, Rude, Aeris, or Bugenhagen," Cloud said. Yuffie sputtered indignantly.
"NononononononononoNOWAY! I am, like, so totally in love with Sephy-poo! He's just so dreamy with those big rippling muscles and that HAIR and..." she swooned in her chair and fell unconscious, drooling all over the table in her sleep.
"...okay, that was weird," Cloud started, then shook his head. "No, I take it back… that was normal. So what about you, Vincent?" he asked, turning to the next person in line.
"I have miraculously decided to stop angsting over a dead woman, get over my love for Hojo, avoided falling in love with Cid, Tifa, Yuffie and yourself, and began lusting after what may quite possibly be my own son," the normally quiet man announced.
"Well, THAT was enigmatic," Cloud replied, sarcastically.
"After all, if the fanfiction authors are okay with yaoi, bestiality, necrophilia and lolita, then surely incest is fine," Vincent added.
"Not just incest, Vincent, yaoi incest," Cloud pointed out.
"It's not as if it matters, anyway. I have demons in my head, and apparently I have to eat the kidneys of small children in order to appease them,"
"Hokay, moving right along," Cloud said, hurriedly. He was finally nearing the end! Cloud could see the light at the end of the tunnel! Of course, then the proverbial Doomtrain smacked into him when he saw who was last. He sighed.
"Cait...you're a robot," he said.
"So! Robots can't love, HUH! That's discrimination! DISCRIMINATION!" Cait shouted.
"...I'm pretty sure it's not even physically possible for you to...oh, never mind," he said, sighing and standing up from his seat.
"Not so fast, Cloud! What about you!" Tifa exclaimed, catching him by the arm as he walked by.
"Eh?" he asked.
"Yeah, foo! Everyone here knows you're in love wit' Aeris and Tifa! Why're you in love wit' Sephiroth!" Barret demanded. Cloud sighed.
"Well, obviously I'm gay since I spend SO much time on my hair every morning, and considering the fact that I'm around Tifa so much and haven't made any sort of move on her. Because, obviously, since I don't hit on her constantly and try to grab her boobs or ass, I'm not interested in her at ALL and therefore I MUST be gay," he said. Everyone conscious nodded.
"Makes sense," they all said.
"So, what are we going to do about this? We cannot simply just abandon our quest to go profess our undying love to Sephiroth," Red pointed out.
"Sure we can, Reddy!" Yuffie exclaimed, finally back in the world of consciousness. "After all, the plot doesn't matter when it comes to out-of-cannon romances!"
"I propose that we all go to the North Crater together," Vincent said.
"Why?" Cloud asked, confused.
"If we all $#in' confess our undying $#'in love to Sephiroth at the same time, he'll have to $#in' pick one of $$Q#4 us! We don't wanna put $#in' Sephy through that kinda $#$#$W$$ stress!" Cid exclaimed, glaring at everyone and everything as he took a drag from his cigarette.
"Or even better! We could all just have a gigantic orgy with Sephiroth!" Cait exclaimed.
"All right then, it's settled! Our destination is North Crater!" Cloud exclaimed. Everyone jumped out of their seats and pumped their fists into the air, with a resounding cry of "YEAH!". The scene turned into a painting, and random laughter could be heard in the background, along with the cries of anguish from Godzilla.
A FEW HOURS LATER, AT THE BOTTOM OF THE NORTH CRATER...
"SEPHIROOOOTTTTHHHHH!" Cloud roared as he charged into the room where the final battle with Sephiroth was supposed to take place. The rest of Avalanche followed him in...
...only to have every single one of them drop their weapons and jaws in unison at the sight before them.
"A-Aeris! You're supposed to be dead!" Cloud exclaimed, pointing a shaking finger at the pink-clad flower girl who was standing behind a sitting Sephiroth, massaging his shoulders. Sephiroth creaked one eye open, sighed a little, and then launched into a bout of maniacal laughter.
'Cuz, y'know, he's evil and so he has to do the trademark 'evil person laugh'. It's in the contract.
"So Strife, you and your band of misfits have finally-" he started, but was cut off by a cry of "WHAT THE HELL!" from all of Avalanche. He sighed again.
"What the hell are you doing alive, Aeris! And with HIM!" Cloud demanded.
"After I killed her I realized that she was my One True Love and I simply could not exist without her by my side. So, I resurrected her with my awesome, god-like powers. After a few weeks of constant bickering and nearly unbearable sexual tension, I finally confessed my undying love to her, and she agreed to live with me here for the rest of our lives," Sephiroth informed them. Everyone turned to look at Aeris, who nodded with a big, sweet smile, and wrapped her arms around Sephiroth's neck.
"You forgot to mention all of the death threats we made to each other, Sephy-chan," Aeris said.
"I thought we said we were never going to speak of those again, darling?" Sephiroth asked, one eyebrow twitching dangerously.
Meanwhile, Avalanche were all weeping on the ground in utter and complete angst.
"It's not fair! I'M supposed to be the one who exchanges witty banter with Sephiroth!" Tifa wailed piteously.
"Sephiroth is supposed to be attracted to my big manly muscles, not her long silky locks of hair and average-sized boobs!" Cloud exclaimed, pounding on the ground in utter anguish.
"My gruff $# exterior and utterly sexy maniless was supposed to be &$in' attractive to Sephiroth!" Cid shouted.
"He was supposed to slowly crack my rough exterior and find that I am actually a shy and insecure person on the inside!" Barret snapped.
"What about the bestiality, Sephy? The BEASTIALITY!" Red demanded.
"A passionate round of man-sex with the demi-sex-god that is Sephiroth was supposed to completely cure me of my all-encompassing angst! Now I have to settle for a bratty teenaged kleptomaniac!" Vincent angsted.
"My l33t ninja skillz and cute, innocent charms were supposed to impress Sephiroth so much that he decided to stop Meteor and come live a peaceful life in Wutai with me!" Yuffie whined.
"I was supposed to be his 'toy'!" Cait cried.
Further cries from the wailing heap of Avalanche were cut off as seven people rushed into the North Crater, barely stopping before tripping over Avalanche, and all shouted in unison, "SEPHIROTH! WE LOVE YOUUUU!"
They all suddenly blinked, and turned on each other.
"Reno, you're straight! Back off, Sephy's MINE!" Elena shouted.
"No way, Elena!" Reno exclaimed.
"You're both wrong! Sephy loves ME!" Rude shouted at both of them.
"As your senior Turk, I command you all to back off and let ME have him!" Tseng shouted.
"Shut up, Tseng! You're DEAD!" All three Turks exclaimed.
"You're all wrong! Sephiroth belongs with ME!" Reeve yelled.
"Why would Sephiroth want any of YOU! He's obviously attracted to my good looks, money, and power!" Rufus Shinra informed them all.
"You're all mistaken! Sephiroth obviously has a parent complex, since he's so obsessed with Jenova, so he must obviously be attracted to ME!" Hojo shouted.
As they were all distracted, Sephiroth and Aeris managed to escape through the hidden back door of the North Crater on Golden Chocobos. They spent the rest of their days on Round Island, playing poker with the Knights of the Round (who were, incidentally, all in love with Sephiroth as well but were too ashamed to admit it).
END OF CHAPTER ONE
Amazingly enough, I don't really even LIKE Aeris x Sephiroth pairings that much. (shrug)