I know some of you probably won't like this one, but I just had to do it. this idea has been bubbling in my head and I started writting it late last night. This is mainly a comedy based on my favorite movie. It has swear words galore, humor, and a few adult situations. So sit back, relax, and enjoy.
Eastbound and Down
The attitudes of the staff at the maximum security prison was as cold as the metal that lined every single wall of the whole building Even looking at a photo of the building's interior would make someone so depressed that not even Zoloft or any other medication would help. So actually walking through the building itself was almost hell for the two people walking to the visitor's room. At least it was depressing for the short individual as he walked with the larger individual that was with him. The smaller man had a few streaks of gray through his hair and thick mustache while the larger gentleman's mustache was almost completely gray, but the top of his head smelled from the recent dye he used on what was left of his hair while the ten gallon tan cowboy hat concealed the large bald spot on his head.
"I don't know why the hell we're here, Daddy." The small man said.
"Now son, I told you that this person is the best. From what I hear, the biggest thing about them is their ego. We offer enough money and they would probably do what ever we asked them, legal or not. They'd probably go to a minister's funeral dressed in a chicken suit if we paid them enough." The large man said as they entered a large room with metal tables and chairs and a security camera in every corner.
"I still don't know, Daddy." The small man said as they took a seat.
"Son, this person and the other one have some history. Hell, they're practically modern legends." The big man said.
"Then a legend and an out of work bum must look an awful lot alike if this one is anything like the other moron." The little man said.
Soon the door at the other end of the room opened as a guard escorted a prisoner in an orange jumpsuit into the room and placed them at the table with the two gentlemen. The prisoner looked up and let out a loud laugh as the prisoner saw the two men that had come to talk. Despite the obvious and main difference of their size, both were wearing Baltic blue suits with yellow trim, and both were wearing tan ten gallon cowboy hats. To the prisoner, they looked like something from the old singing cowboy movies, o something out of a gay rodeo.
"It must be an awful bitch to find something in a sixty-five extra fat and a twelve dwarf." The prisoner said in their normal sarcastic tone.
"We don't have to put up with this bullshit." The little man said as he tried to stand but sat back down as the hand of his companion pushed him back into his seat.
"We've come to you with a job offer because of your, how do I say this? Skills?" the large man asked.
"A job? What world are you living in? I'm in here for life without parole you fat ass moron. This isn't some hotel I can walk out of." The prisoner said to their visitor.
"That's where I come in. You see, I've happened to make a few friends over the years and I'm able to pull a few strings." The man said as a large smile grew on his face.
"I'm supposed to believe you have that much sway?" the person asked, not believing one word this man was saying.
"No, but I do have that much money. I have a bet going, and I need a very skilled person to win it for me. If you were that person, and were to win me my bet, you get 900,000 dollars in cash and I see to it that your record is erased and not ever seen again." The man told the prisoner.
The prisoner's jaw fell slack enough that it would have hit the table if it came loose from their head. Did this fat goofball just offer a lot of money and a one way ticket to freedom or did all those fights in life make the prisoner start hearing things?
"You have got to be joking! Why do you need me to win your bet?" the prisoner asked the two men.
"Because he wants to win, you moron." The little man said to the cuffed prisoner.
"Why don't you insult my mother and see how much longer you keep that brush you call a mustache?" the prisoner asked the rude little person.
"Your mama is so ugly,"
"Now son, don't be so rude. Now what do you say about my little offer?" the large man asked the prisoner.
The prisoner thought about it, and still didn't believe one word this person said. What else did the prisoner have to loose? The prisoner wouldn't miss anything here except drift slowly into madness in that stupid small cell. It had also been awhile since the prisoner had seen the light of day that wasn't in a walled in area or looking through a bared window. What should the prisoner do? The prisoner wasn't that big of an idiot, go for it!
"All right. What do I have to do in your little bet?" the prisoner asked them.
"The starting point is in Atlanta, Georgia. Once you're there, the rest of the bet will be explained. The short part of it is that I need you to run block for a big rig of mine." He told the prisoner.
"That's it? You can get any gear head to do that." The prisoner said. They weren't going to pass it up, but it was just a little insulting to do something so simple after what the prisoner had done in their life to be put into a maximum security prison.
"True, but I need someone who knows how to outrun any Smokey that tries to catch what I'm hauling." The big man said.
The prisoner thought that whatever this man was hauling was most likely something illegal. Maybe he was trafficking guns or drugs. For all the prisoner knew, this guy was hauling parts for Dr. Dementor. It was still a chance to get out prison.
"When can I get out here?" the prisoner asked the two men in front of her.
"Right now. We've got a limo waiting outside, all you have to do is meet us out there." The man said as he stood up while the guard unlocked the prisoner's handcuffs.
The old Sunfire stopped in front of the nice two story house that looked like it jumped out of a magazine and into real life. In the front yard, a large blue big rig with a trailer attached that had a mural of a wagon from the old west being pulled by a team of wild horses. As the owner of the car got out and moved a few strands of his blond hair out of his eyes, he merely shook his head as he looked at the trailer.
"I told him he should have gone with something else." The young man said as he walked to the front door of the house and gave it a firm knock.
The person that answered the door was a young black woman wearing a yellow tank top and a pair of tight fitting jeans.
"Well, look what the wind blew in." the woman said with a smile as he embraced the young man in a firm hug. "How have you been, Ron?"
"I've been doing good. So Monique, is Felix in?" the young man asked as he removed his sunglasses.
"Why do you want to know? Is there another video game competition in town?" Monique asked her friend.
"Not this time. I've got a job for me and him." Ron said as he tried to enter the house, but had Monique's arm in the way to block him.
"Ron, he already has a job. Why would he be interested in another one?" Monique asked.
"How about one that's worth 900,000 dollars?" Ron asked as his trade mark goofy grin appeared.
"Say what?" Monique as her eyes became wide as saucers.
Ron used this to slip past his friend and went straight to the bedroom on the second floor. Sleeping in the large queen sized bed, his head covered by a bed spread and his chair at the side, was the form of his friend Felix. Felix was smart and for some odd reason decided to become a truck driver. A lot of people told him to forget it, but Felix proved them wrong. With the aid of his mother, Felix created another cyber-robotic chair that gave him the ability to drive a big rig. Felix was now one of the best known truck drivers known, and enjoyed making the doubters eating their words.
"Hey, Felix!" Ron said in his normal upbeat tone of voice. All he got was a loud groan.
"Come one, Felix. It's time to get up." Ron said as he walked to the sleeping forward. As he pulled back the covers, he was rewarded with a view of Felix's feet. Ron pulled back the other end of the covers and lightly slapped Felix in the face to wake him up.
"Come on, Felix. I got us a job." Ron told him.
"Already have job. Go away!" Felix groaned as he put his pillow over his head.
"Come on, Felix. It's time to get up." Ron said as he picked up his friend and set him in his chair.
"I just came back from one, and I got another in two days." Felix groaned as he started to regain his senses from his slumber.
"Oh, really? What are you hauling this time?" Ron asked as he slid one of Felix's Zombie Basher T-Shirts over his friends head and put his baseball cap on his head.
"I've got to haul a load of manure." Felix groaned as he rubbed the sleep from his eyes.
"That's a shitty job. I got us another one." Ron told him.
"Wait a minute, Ron. Last time you got me a job, I ended up hauling a tanker full of rocket fuel through a mine field." Felix said to his friend.
"So KP forgot to tell me where we were going. This one is better. We're actually getting paid." Ron told him as he sat on the bed to look at Felix in the eyes.
"Okay. What do we have to haul?" Felix asked, not trusting Ron at the moment.
"Don't know. We meet the guy who hired us in Atlanta, Georgia and he tells us." Ron told him.
"And how much is he paying?" Felix asked, not trusting the sound of this job already.
"Nine, I repeat, 900,000 dollars." Ron said with a smirk.
Felix's eyes became wider than his wife's as what Ron said absorbed into his brain.
"You just said 900,000 just then, right?" Felix asked his friend.
"MONIQUE! WHERE'S MY KEYS?" Felix shouted to his wife.
They were almost to the fair grounds in Atlanta when Ron finally decided to ask about the large dog that had decided to use his lap for a pillow.
"Felix? Where did this thing come from?" Ron asked.
"You don't remember that little puppy I got months ago?" Felix asked with a grin.
"Puppy? You mean this is Fred? What happened to him?" Ron asked as he looked at the tri color basset hound.
"He grew, that's what puppies do. I don't go anywhere without him. He's one ferocious watch dog." Felix said with pride as he turned into the fairgrounds. They soon found themselves being flagged down to a roped off area where many other big rigs were parked, and saw a large man standing next a small man waving them down. Both were wearing yellow suits with brown trim and elaborate western patterns on them. Along with tan ten gallon hats on both of their hats.
"Where did these two rodeo clowns come from?" Felix asked as he opened the driver side door.
"They're the one's who hired us." Ron said as he got out of the passenger side of the big rig.
The little man's jaw seemed to drop as both men saw four mechanical tentacles carry Felix out of the truck and ease him to the grass. As soon as the chair touched ground, the retracted into the back of the chair and out of sight.
"You hired a damn cripple to drive the truck?" the little man asked his father.
"Cripple or not, he's the right one for the job. I'm glad you two finally made it." The man said as he walked up to the young men. "Allow me to introduce myself. I am Big Enos Burdette, and this here is my son Little Enos." The man said as he shook Ron and Felix's hand.
"That sounds a little close to dick head." Felix whispered to Ron who both smirked.
"Now, I bet you are both wondering what I hired you two for." Big Enos said as he and his son took a seat at a table with an umbrella opened over it to provide shade.
"The thought did cross our minds once or twice." Felix said as Ron took a seat at the table and Felix wheeled close to it.
"Here's what's going on. I got a guy in the Southern Classic, and I was looking into getting refreshments. One of my old friends remembered an old bet I made years ago and claimed that I couldn't find anyone to repeat it. Being the man I am, and having so much money that I don't know what the hell to do with it, I made the bet." Big Enos told them.
"So what is the bet?" Ron asked them.
"I'd prefer to tell you the rest when all three of you are here." Big Enos told them.
"Wait a minute, did you just say three?" Ron asked them.
"That's right. I forgot to tell you that I hired you some extra help. I need Ron to run block for the load, and I trust his talents, but I hired him some help just in case things got too big for you." Big Enos said with a smile.
"So who am I driving with?" Ron asked them.
"She's coming right now." Big Enos said as he looked pass the two young men.
"She?" Felix and Ron asked at the same time.
Ron and Felix turned to see a black 2000 Pontiac Trans Am convertible roar through the roads and slid to a stop about five feet away from the four men. As soon as the engine stopped, they saw a woman wearing skin tight black jeans and a green spaghetti strap tank top jump out of the car while wearing a pair of wire dark frame sunglasses and a white cowboy hat. Felix and Ron were drooling at the slim sex symbol in front of them as her raven black hair blew in the wind as she made her way to the table. It took Ron a few minutes for his brain to register who this person was, but finally remembered the woman's identity when he noticed her pale green skin.
"SHEGO?" Ron shouted and bolted out of his seat.
"STOPPABLE? WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON?" Shego shouted as she recognized the young man. He was twenty now, and a little broader with a few more muscles, but it was the buffoonish sidekick.
"Miss Shego, this is your back up should something arise." Bid Enos said to the woman as she balled up her fist.
"I agreed to run block for your fucking truck, not team up with a klutz!" Shego told the two men who hired her.
"They're the best, and so are you." Big Enos told her.
"So you either work with them, or you're pretty little ass goes back to the slammer." Little Enos told her.
"Watch your language little lady." Shego told him.
Both Ron and Shego eyed each other for a minute before Shego let out a scoff and took a seat while Ron sat back down.
"Did they tell you what they want us to do?" Ron asked her.
"Not yet. Now that I'm here, can we cut through all the secret agent bullshit and find out what this so called bet is?" Shego asked the two men.
"Well here's what I need you to do for me to win my little bet. What I need you to do is go down to Texarkana for me, pick up about four hundred cases of Coors Beer, and bring it back in twenty-eight hours." Big Enos told all of them.
"You want us to haul beer from Texas to here in twenty-eight hours?" Ron asked them.
"If you think you can't handle it, I'll gladly tell you to piss off." Little Enos told them with a smug grin.
"Why do you want that much beer, anyway?" Shego asked them.
"Because he's thirsty, dummy." Little Enos said.
"You see, it happened once before. The bet is that I couldn't find the right people to do it again. If you three make it, the pay is 900,000 dollars." He told them.
"Wait a minute. I've got to split 900,000 three ways?" Shego asked in an annoyed tone of voice.
"You misunderstood. The pay is 900,000 dollars for the each of you." Big Enos told them.
Shego looked over her glasses at the two men to try and find any trace of them lying their asses off while Ron's left eye made a small twitch.
"Stoppable, get your ass in that car right now!" Shego said as she stood up.
On the way to the car, she turned around and looked at Felix.
"Wait a second. What's your handle?" Shego asked him.
"My handle is Cyborg. What's yours?" Felix asked her.
"It's simple. Call me Bandit." Shego said as she and Ron hopped into the car and drove off down the road with Felix following close behind.
Ron was feeling a little uncomfortable sitting next to the woman that was his best friend's enemy for many years. The last time he saw her was a year ago when he and Kim stopped Drakken from conquering the world, and Drakken disappeared when his hideout blew up. Kim caught Shego and she was sent to rot in prison without parole. So what was she doing here? Ron might as well try and make small talk so the time might go by quicker.
"So how did you get out? Bribe a guard?" Ron asked her. Shego just gave him a small glare.
"The Odd Couple back there gave me an offer. I help them win this bet, I get a clean slate. So why isn't the Princess with you? Last I heard was that you and her were a couple." Shego said, trying to get used to the fact that she was sharing a ride with someone she didn't really like.
"Oh, right. That little thing. We kind of broke up not too long after you got locked up." Ron said while scratching the back of his neck.
"Oh, trouble in paradise?" Shego asked with a smirk. Ron started to turn red at Shego's comment.
"NO! Nothing like that. It just seemed too much like I was dating my sister or something." Ron told her.
"I guess that makes a little sense." Shego said, and was actually surprised to hear that the two broke up. As Shego glanced at Ron, she knew something was missing. Something that seemed to always be there was now gone. That's when she noticed what the missing thing was.
"Wait a minute, don't you usually have that naked rodent with you?" Shego asked.
He always had the hairless pink rodent on him, and this time he was no where to be seen. That was also when Ron looked away for a minute.
"He died a few months ago of old age. Naked Mole Rats only live so long before they finally kick it." Ron told her as a small tear rolled down his cheek. "So you think we can actually pull this off?" Ron asked her, trying to change the subject.
"It's only nine hundred miles there and nine hundred miles back." Shego told him.
"Has it ever been done before?" Ron asked her.
"Once that I know of. It was back in the 70's. Back then, it was illegal to haul Coors east of Texas." Shego told him.
"You know this, how?" Ron asked her.
"My dad was a truck driver. You learn a few things when you go on a cross country ride for take your daughter to work week." Shego told him.
"Shego, that's supposed to be only one day." Ron told her.
"Not with my dad. That reminds me." Shego said as she grabbed the microphone to the built in CB Radio and switched it to a clear channel.
"Breaker One, Breaker One. This is the Bandit, is the Cyborg out there? Am I hittin' ya son?" Shego asked into the microphone.
"You put about eight and a half on me. Blowin' my windows out. Bring it on." Felix replied.
"I'll be within earshot. You keep it wound up to around 90. Ten-four." Shego replied.
"Hey Bandit, me and Fred's got a question for Ron. How come we're doing this?" Felix asked. Ron took the mic from Shego to reply.
"Three reasons for you Cyborg. We're doing it for the money, for the fame, and for the fun. But it's mostly for the money." Ron told him.
"That's good with Fred. We're clear."
"Ten-Four." Shego said and hung the mic back up.
"I'm impressed. You really do know how to use a CB." Ron said to his temporary partner.
"Then hang on to your ass Stoppable, because you're fixing to have your socks knocked off." Shego said as she gunned and sent the car flying down the road at warp speed.
Kim Possible is owned by Disney, and Smokey and The Bandit is owned by Universal Studios. I am not with either and wrote this for fun.