Disclaimer: I don't own these characters. I just borrow them when my creative self rears its ugly head
Summary: Beka deals with what happened in It Makes a Lovely Light
Spoilers: It Makes a Lovely Light-actually, it's suggested that you see this episode before reading. In fact, it's even strongly recommended. And I haven't seen the finale yet, so if this makes no sense, I apologize.
Author's Note: I'm pretty sure I know where I'm going with this, so please review and tell me if it stinks or if you want more (or both)!

Work out your own salvation. Do not depend on others.

Chapter One: A Thousand Sleepless Nights

For the third time that night, Beka woke up screaming. And, for the third time that night, Rommie's face popped on screen.

"Are you alright, Beka Valentine?"

Beka groaned. "Andromeda, engage privacy mode."

"Privacy mode engaged, authorization Acting First Officer Beka Valentine," the face onscreen announced, then flickered away, leaving Beka in the darkness once more.

She rolled out of bed and stumbled into the bathroom, splashing water over her sweaty face. Rubbing a towel over her face, she looked at her reflection in the mirror. She looked like hell. She felt like hell. Hell, she was in Hell!

It was the same routine every night. Eat dinner alone on the Maru. Throw away most of it. Fix stuff that needed to be fixed until eleven. Fix stuff that didn't need to be fixed until one. Walk the long way to her quarters. Read for half an hour. Pace for another. Go to bed and toss and turn for a third. Fall asleep around 2:30. Wake up at three. Assure Rommie she's fine. Repeat at four. Repeat at 4:30. Snap at Rommie and request privacy mode. Give up sleeping for the night. Go to the Officer's Mess and have coffee. Pretend she was wide awake. Cycle repeated at 7:30.

Beka knew everyone had noticed, but after she had slept through an entire shift on Command and no one had commented, she had decided either no one cared, or that they thought she was too "fragile" for a major argument.

'It's probably the second,' Beka thought bitterly as she got dressed. 'I only OD'd on Flash and almost killed myself, not to mention everyone else first, two weeks ago. It's not like I'm a goddamn invalid.'

Yawning tiredly and muttering something along the lines of "It's not fair that I'm up at this God-forsaken hour," Beka tramped on down to the Officer's Mess. Unfortunately, for reasons unbeknownst to none but himself, she found Dylan there as well. Before she could turn around and leave, he said,

"Care to join me for a cup of coffee?"

"Why not?" Beka sighed resignedly, and sat down across from him. He pushed a cup of coffee towards her.
"You like it black, right?"

"No, I like it darker than that," she muttered sarcastically under her breath, but downed it like a person lost in the desert for three days. Her hand shook as she put the coffee down, and she said softly, "I thought I told you to stop that."

"So, Beka..." Dylan started, choosing to ignore her comment.

"So, Dylan..." she mocked, looking down into her cup of coffee and knowing exactly what was coming next.

"Rommie tells me you've been down here every morning around this time since..." Dylan seemed uncomfortable about saying it out loud, so he took the chicken's way out. "For two weeks."

"Yeah, so?" Beka challenged.

"So? Beka, I need you awake. This isn't healthy. It's almost as bad as..." Dylan winced visibly.

"As what, Dylan? As taking..." here she gasped dramatically "Flash? Well, let me tell you, Dylan, not sleeping is a hell of a lot better."

"Beka, listen, I know you're going through some hard times, and I'm here if you want to talk about it," Dylan told her.

"Yippee, my own personal counselor," Beka said dryly.

"Beka, don't do this. You need some help. This is a hard situation to deal with. Let me-" he began, but Beka didn't let him finish.

"Dylan, I'm fine. I can deal with this by myself. I don't need help, not yours, and not anybody else's, okay? So stay out of it and mind your own business," she said angrily, all the more so for subconsciously knowing that he was right and she was wrong.

"Beka, as your Captain, I think I need to make it my business," he reminded her. He sounded so concerned, it almost made Beka sick.

"I think you don't. I told you, I can handle it!" Beka repeated, and stormed out of the Mess.

Dylan was left behind with two cups of coffee, and sighed as he ordered, "Rommie, I want you to keep an eye on her at all times."

"Are you sure that's wise, Dylan?" Rommie asked.

"No, but it's the only thing I can do right now," he replied. "Beka needs to work this out on her own before she comes to me, or anyone else."

On the Maru, Beka sat in the pilot's chair and shook violently.


Please review! Good, bad, what should I fix for future chapters, should I continue? Review, please!