Blizz T.V. / Robot Blizzard


Hey! I think I got it! Looks about connected to me-


Hmmm... what the hell was that? Oh well. Getting a picture now. Alright! Blizz T.V. at last! Time to watch some kick ass shows from all over the Blizzard Universe. Awesome. Just have to grab some refreshments... ... Goddam, how long have those nachos been in the fridge? They're all green and... oh wait... that's guacamole. Eh, I'm sure it's fine. Now, where's the remote? Ah here we go-

CLICK – Channel 32

Wwwwwellcome to the brand new reality TV show, Zerg Island! We took fifteen terrans – half male, half female and one in-between – and promised them a free trip to paradise! Then we crashed landed them on a remote water planet, on the only piece of land there is! Hilarity ensues as each terran must crawl from the wreckage alive and make it – with limbs or no – to their designated camping spot.

(Jesus Christ, anther reality TV show? Are they ever going to stop?)

They'll have learn how to make fire, build a shelter, and compete for survival in the wacky wilderness! But beware, all is not what it seems on the island... one of the "women" terrans is actually a man! And a bachelor! And an apprentice to a bad rug wearing capitalist – that's right, Arcturus, we're looking at you!

More importantly, the island is also infested with, that's right, ZERG! Each terran will have to battle it out in outrageous games in order to win assimilation immunity! The losers, naturally, get to become a new genetic code in the Overminds DNA pool! Hazzah!

Did we mention that one of them is called Joe and is a milliona-

CLICK – Channel 47

"- add a sprig of parsley, and there you have it! Flambe la Rogue!"

"Wow, Bishibosh, and all that in under 25 minutes! That's amazing! Where can we get the recipe for this?"

"Its all here in 'Bishiboshs Guide to Hellish Eating', available for 60 gold at any good book store."

"And a few bad ones to, I'm betting, hahahaha!"

"Hahahaha... don't taunt me or I'll scorch the flesh from your bones."

"Haha – ahem - right. Sorry. After the break, Bishibosh will show you how to put the spice back in your Boulder-Rolled Rogue –"

CLICK – Channel 666

(Bah, cooking, who has the time for that crap. Wonder if this channel is actually real?)

"- inviting me on, and I just want to congratulate you on your new show! It's awesome folks, let's hear it for the Lord of Terror, Diablo, doesn't he rock?"

("Woo woo woo woo, yyyyeeaaaahhh, whoa! Yeah! You go!")

"Ahem, thank you, Pindleskin, for that compliment. And thank you for the warm applause… mum. Anyway, on with the interview. Now Pindle, I understand that you've been feeling somewhat… neglected lately."

"Yeah, Big D, nobody really bothers with me anymore. It's so sad sniff -"


"Thanks man. I'm just a big softy at heart. Here, see?"

"Whoa whoa, put that back in your chest. You're getting blood on my set."

"Sorry. As I was saying, no one bothers with me. Not since... since..."

"Come on, you can say it. We're here for you."

"Since... Nihlathak stole my thunder!"

("Boooooooo! Down with Nihlathak! Down with –")

"Please, let him speak. Go on, Pindleskin. Tell us more."

"Well, I used to be the only thing worth coming to the Zombie Gardens for. Then Nihlathak got hold of some... key. Now no one cares about me! All I ever get is "Which way to the key?", "Do you think he has the key this time", "What do I do with that freakin' key anyway?". Key key key. It's driving me nuts! I just... I just... I just want to feel needed!"

("Awwwwww... he's so brave... what a fighter.")

"Thank you for sharing that with us, Pindle."

"That's sob Ok, choke I feel better sniffle for it."

"Well, I've got a surprise for you."

"Really? sniff"

"That's right. A present from all us here to show our appreciation for the hard work and dedication you've put into mindlessly guarding that portal!"

"A Present? Wow!"

"Yup. It's a brand-"





"... another one? Aw fu-"

CLICK – Channel 82

(Forget that, too mushy and heartfelt. Let's see some mindless hooting and hollering- oh, here we go!)

"-erry, Zerry, Zerry, Zerry!"

"Thanks, and welcome back! Before the break, we met lovely Medic –"

"Goddam it, Zeratul, I tol' you it's Medique!"

"Whatever, and it's Zerry to you, Planet Trash. Don't make me take away that cheque for the moonshine!"

"... sorry, mistah Zerry."

"Anyway, we met lovely Medique, who has a little confession for her boyfriend, Firebat."

("It's Frier Brad!")

"Whatever. So, Medique, for those who tuned in late, could you just tell us again what you're here for?"

"Well, Zerry, I been wit' mah boy almos'... wait... how many fingahs is dat?"

"Ummm... you're holding up three fingers, Medique."

"Three years now!"

("Wooooooo yeah go girl kick his ass!)

"It was goin' good, you know, but lately, he been wantin' to stay out and burn up Zerg more den seeing me! So we had us a lil fight, and um… I kinda wen' and cheated on him wid his brudda."

("Oooooohhhhhh whoare, whoare, whoare, whoare!)

"Shuddup, you ain't got notin on me, I kick yo ass! Yo wanna see these, yo wanna see mah money makers?"


"Please, Medique, put down the giant hypodermic needles. I know it's part of your job, but you're making the audience queasy."

"Sorry, Zerry. I jus' got excited. UP YOURS, YO ZERG ASS PIECE O' CRAP!"

"Anyway, in case you haven't guessed – and I'm pretty sure you couldn't have guessed, because I've never ever ever done this on any other shows before – you boyfriend is out the back and heard every word! Come on up, Frier Brad"


(Hahahaha. Damn, you gonna get a tongue lashin' girl! Hahahah... I don't care how lame it is, I love this show.)

"What the hell you playin' at girl? I loved joo!"

"I'm sorry, honey, I didn't mean to do it!"

"You best not be lieing to me, biPHWEEP or I'll toast your PHWEEPING PHWEEP PHWEEP."

"Ok, Brad, lets settle down for a minute. We can't hear the heartless audience's comments through your bleeping."

"I'm sorry, baby, I'm so sorry –"


("Boooooooo! Booooooo! No good boyfriend! No good boyfriend!")


"Ok, ok. Let's all just take a seat. Now, I'm sure this little get together has really helped your relationship and put you on the course of healing –"



"- but of course, no healing process is complete unless everything is out in the open. So say hello to your brother: Marine!"

("Booooooooo! Loser! Jackass! George Bu- shhhh dude too far!")

"Yeah! Yeah! I nailed her! Ah huh! Yeah! Whaddaya going to do? Huh? Oh and Zerry, the names is Marty."


"Marty? What the PHWEEP man? My own brother, my OWN brother? Why'd you go and do it, man? AND STOP MAKING OUT WIT' MY GIRL WHILE I TALKING TO YO!"

"I'm sorry bro, but I love her."

"And I love him too. He mah man now, you ain't no where near man enough for me."

("Ooooohhh burned, burned, burned!")

"That's right, Brad. I'm her man. And we gonna have us a baby!"

"What the PHWEEP? So that's what happened. Damn girl, I thought yo was just getting fat… yo know what? Have her. I can do better."

("Woooooo yeah you... wait what? Huh? What'd he say?")

"Yeah, I can do better. You know, I'm gonna fix my grammar, stop drinking the shine, move out my trailer and get a real job."

("... ... whisper whisper rustle...")

"Yeah! That's right! Get off the drugs, meet some nice Protoss lady who appreciates my love, and perhaps raise a normal telepathic family. And my kids definitely going to school and that."



(Yawn, this show suddenly lost all its tact. What else is on?s)

CLICK – Channel 05


CLICK – Channel 07

"- done it, he's done it! The Peons have scored their final goal! Peons win, peons… oh my god, it looks as if the Undead aren't taking kindly to that. Yup, they're ripping the small orcs limb from limb! Look at the blood, look at the –"

CLICK – Channel 12

"Do you suffer from irregularity? Just take one of these parasites a day-"

CLICK – Channel 13

"- Home Shopping Network. We've got some great products on sale here today."

(Alright, now we're talking.)

"Thanks Moyra. Our first item is this lovely dining set from the Terran Sector... specifically the area's affected by nuclear fallout."

"Fantastic. And what can we expect to receive in this amazing collection?"

"Everything you could want to make a mutant dining experience a pleasure. It comes with the standard utensils: butter knife, soup spoon, dining knife, dining fork, toe jam spoon, back and forehead scratcher fork, boil lancer knife, and of course two-ponged double-mouth feeding fork..."

"Of course, I don't know where we'd be without that one! Look at camera, smile!"

"Moyra, I told you that the cue cards with the bracket symbols are meant to be acted out, not read."

"Sorry, Jim, I just can't help myself! I'm so excited."

"I'm sure you are. Anyway, the dining set also includes these special one-time-only utensils: Spork, F.R.E.D, nose hair trimmer knife, tracheotomy emergency knife, mother-in-law annoyer fork, 'All the chunky bits are gone' spoon, and my personal favourite, 'Seed of the Zerg' removal chopstick! And as an added bonus; all these utensils are made of solid lead, in order to keep your radiation leaking fingers free from further harm."

"Amazing! Fantastic! Superb! I'm bored!"

"Me too, Moyra, let's move onto something more interesting. Call in the next 20 seconds folks, or we're going to throw that eating kit out and the blame can only rest on your shoulders!"

(rustle rustle Where's that damn phone? I know I last saw it between the pile of laundry and the empty pizza boxes... whoa dude! One of these boxes isn't empty! Score.)

"What's next on our list of useless cra- I mean, necessary appliances for modern day living, Jimmy?"

"Something special, just imported from Kalimdor."

"Oohhh, I love it when you go medieval on my ass, Jimmy."

"... ... ... uummmmm... So, this appliance, made totally of the finest hand crafted oak, can be used to whip up any spell in just seconds! Meet 'The Miraculous Instant Spell Tornado 9000'."

"Wow! 9000! That's a big number, Jimmy."

"That's right, Moyra. Now kindly hand me that bucket of goodies... thank you. See folks, it's as easy as dropping the ingredients straight into the Spell Tornado... like so... hit the switch and ARRGHH ARRRGGHHH MY HAND! HELP MOYRA, HELP-"

CLICK – Channel 25

(That was cool, but now I'm in the mood for some action. Hmmm...)

"You've got five seconds to step away from the waypoint, before I blow you're frreakin' head off."

"Ok, man, just chill, chill ok? I didn't know this was your turf."

"How could you not know this was my area? I stated very clearly over the Slick, Quick Hero Communication Channel that everything from the Blood Moor to the Worldstone Chamber was mine. Is it to much to ask that everyone just stay out? Geez, some people are so selfish-"

CLICK – Channel 26

"- aliens everywhere! The Zerg and Protoss have finally reached earth! This is for real people, reported live from Channel 26 Earth News! There's bloodshed in the streets, Ultralisks are tearing down buildings as we spe-"

CLICK – Channel 29

"- am from dah future. Ah haff com to protect joo."

"Dude, you're from the future? What, did technology go back 700 years or something? Man, I've got toys that're more advanced then you!"

"Does not compute. Show me dah newer model."

"Meet Robo-Sapien v48.9!"

"... He cute, ya."

"And he can dance, watch!"

"Ooohhh... ah am impressed."

CLICK – Channel 21

"Silly Zergling, Trix are for ACK!"

CLICK – Channel 38

"-Troglar, you'll never make it. I can't let you fight this army of cloned humans alone! There's too many!"

"I will be fine, Troglod, I have the strength of... wait, clones? What do you mean?"

"Well... look at them! Every single human soldier looks like the ones standing next to him. They have to be clones!"

"Troglod... I just realised... we orcs all look alike too!"

"... ...crap."

CLICK – Channel 97

We took your average, everyday telepath and gave her a makeover in under three weeks! Meet Kerrigan:

"I was feeling really down about myself, you know? I just never seemed to stand out in a crowd. I wanted to shine, I wanted people to notice me. I wanted to be... powerful."

That testimony won Kerrigan the grand prize, and before she knew it, she was whisked away for a full body makeover. She was sliced, diced, prodded and poked. With the help of a team of professional make-up artists (and a 2 ton sac of gelatinous goo) she was given a new wardrobe, new hairstyle and is now ready to make her emergence as a new speci- er, women. Now, before we show you the new Kerrigan, here's the old one:

(Dude! What's wrong with that? She's hot damn, baby, yeah! Well, if they could apparently improve on that, I can't wait to see the updated model!)

Come on out Kerrigan!


Tune in next week for more classic Zerg Makeovers!


CLICK – Channel 55

" – now for 'Universes Best Wet T-Shirt Contests'!"


"First up; Sylvanas!"


CLICK – Channel 101

"But you gotta ask yourself one thing: do you feel lucky... punk?"


CLICK – Channel 49

"Lich King, I'm home!"

("Woooooooo clap clap clap clap clap whistle")

"Oh, hello Arthas. How was your day?"

"Eh, it was alright. More torturing of the living, raising their dead bodies to increase our armies. Same thing day in, day out. I swear, this is a terrible land to rule."

"It could be worse. You could be ruler of Canada!"

("Hahhahahahahahaha clap clap clap clap clap")

"Oh you, hahahahaha."

("Hahahahahah clap clap clap whistle.")

We'll be right back to "The Odd Couple" After these messages –


Damn, my head hurts. I think I should give TV a rest for awhile... maybe I should sleep? Or maybe... I could go a round of Starcraft with my Korean room mates! Nah... that's suicide.

Maybe I should get a job... whahahaha I crack myself up. I'll go visit the little boys room, then see how I feel. Now where's that skin mag –