and April Fools
Fandom: Harry Potter
Characters: Lucius Malfoy, Severus Snape, and Dark Lord Voldemort. Slight Severus/Lucius if you squint.
Disclaimer: Unless I turn into Voldemort himself and kill the original makers I am never gonna own this.
Summary: "I am the Great Harry Potter! Watch me as I defeat the Dark Lord Voldemort!" Crackfic at its finest.
"I am the Great Harry Potter! Watch me as I defeat the Dark Lord Voldemort!" A puppet encased finger that looks sorta like the boy-who-lived started beating upon another puppet encased finger that looked somewhat like Voldemort. Snape pouted and waved his finger around making the puppet Voldemort shake as if Harry was killing him. "No fair Lucius. How come you get to be Potter? I'm the Dark Lord and we all know he dies in this one."
Lucius grinned and smacked puppet Voldemort around a few more times then made the puppet Harry sit down and motioned to Severus. "Come on you have to do the Unforgivable curse now."
Severus looked around. "I don't think we should do this. We are in the Dark Lord's chambers. He can come in any moment and then we're dead. He won't tolerate this."
Lucius just scoffed and pushed puppet Voldy. "Come on Severus. We've been doing this too long for you to start worrying about it now. Say it so we can keep going." Severus sighed and moved his Voldy puppet around, wand included. "I am the Dark Lord Voldemort and I've come to kill you Harry Potter. Take this! Avada Kedavra!"
Lucius made it so his puppet had taken out his wand and he countered the Avada Kedavra with 'Expelliarmus' He blew a strand of his impeccable hair out of his face and glared at his friend for years. "That's no fair! I said the Crucio curse not Avada Kedavra! I should Avada Kedavra you!"
Snape just grinned and hit the Harry doll on its head with his finger puppet. It was so fun making his friend and lover agitated. "Oh it's ok Luc. I mean this is what happened not Crucio."
Lucius just pouted to himself. "And how would you know? You weren't even there."
Severus grinned again. "The graves speak. And I listen really closely. Now stop being angry Luc. You know we're just playing. Which by the way I still think we should quit because the Dark Lord himself might be roaming these halls. Or worse – Pettigrew."
Lucius nodded and slid the finger puppet off and stuffed it into his pocket. "You're right. That little rat would just love to dish something like this to the Dark Lord on a silver platter." Lucius looked on as Severus did the same thing with his own puppet and he stood up, dusting himself off and taking his cane in his hands looking regal in an instant. Severus couldn't help but notice how perfect Lucius looked at any time of the day. Severus stood up dusting himself off as well. Why did they sit on the floor anyway? Glancing over he saw Lucius putting his hair back into a low ponytail. He quickly looked away when Lucius dropped his hands and reached for his cloak that rested on the back of the chair.
When Severus was finished putting on his cloak Lucius walked up behind him and did a rare gesture of placing his arm around the man's shoulders. "We have to find something else to mock next time Sevvie."
He felt Severus wince at his most hated nickname and smiled pushing open the door and seeing none other than the Evil One, Dark Lord Voldemort himself.
Lucius and Severus skidded to a stop. Yes that's right. Skidded to a stop. They're mouths dropped open and they felt shivers run down their back at his stare that seemed to pierce your soul. Then they both thought- 'What if he heard our puppet show?'
"I'm guessing you found that amusing? Re-enacting my little battle with Dumbledore's golden boy huh? Are you fools saying I don't have what it takes to defeat him?" Voldemort said, his voice rising with every statement he made.
Severus and Lucius immediately dropped to their knees, bowing low to the ground. "No Lord we weren't" they said in unison.
Voldemort stared at his minions then spat out, "I should kill you in the most horrible ways imaginable for even dreaming of doing something that idiotic - AND IN MY OWN CHAMBERS NO LESS!"
Lucius shivered and leaned forward to kiss his robes but Voldemort stepped back out of the way and he stopped trying, though fear wracked through his body. 'Malfoy's don't show fear. Malfoy's don't show fear' he kept repeating in his head.
Severus tried his hardest not to wince and he felt the Dark Lord moving into the room. They stayed in their bowing positions not wanting to anger him further. After a few minutes of silence however Severus decided to test his luck. "My Lord?" he spoke softly. When they heard nothing but a choking sound they both whirled around to see if something was wrong with their lord.
Imagine their surprise when they saw the Dark Lord Voldemort himself chuckling, then he starts laughing, almost sprawled out over the table in the room. The two death eaters glanced at each other cautiously. Had their Lord gone crazy, finally? Was it time to contact St. Mungo's?
Voldemort finally calmed down enough to gasp out, "I'm not going to kill you. April fools."
Lucius looked puzzled while Severus tried not to glare at the man. And here he thought he was going to die. What in the world? But then Voldemort got serious and stated quietly, "But if you do something like that again I will kill you." And he walked to the door while two men behind him froze up again. Then he stopped and looked behind him smirking. "April fools again." He then laughed loudly, walking down the hallway to probably go maim Wormtail.
Severus and Lucius stood in the middle of the room then suddenly Lucius spoke out in a clear voice that wavered just a bit, "What is April Fools?"
Severus just shook his head and started laughing himself as the shock finally wore off.