A/N – Hi! Long time no write, yeah? Well, here's something I was working on and brings people into the Harry Potter fandom because I'm gonna be doing a Hermione/Fred one, 'kay? Please R and R!
104 Ways to Annoy/Harass/Disgust/Generally Scare Lucius Malfoy
By an impertinent house elf
1. Sit next to him
2. Scoot closer to him
3. Tell him blonde jokes
4. Make him watch "The Music Man"
5. Make him write a paper on his predictions of what will happen in the relationship of Professor Harold Hill and Marion Paroo
6. When he's sleeping, braid his hair into a hippie style
7. Drug him and get him a fro/ a bob / a crew cut / a Mohawk or (my personal favorite) a perm
8. Replace his Snakey Cane with a walker
9. Compare the Malfoy Manor with a Barbie Dream Home
10. Compare him to Ken
11. Compare him to Barbie.
12. Poke him
13. Poke him some more…with his own cane
14. Ask him what kind of statement he's making with the black
15. Ask him if he's a goth
16. Ask him if he's an emo
17. Take him to a LOTR convention and tell people he's Legolas
18. Ask him what he does with his cane
19. Cower in fear at what he does with his cane
20. Tell him to watch "HAIR"
21. Ask him why he keeps getting eluded by teenagers
22. Tell him to get a catch phrase
23. Pack him a lunch for his DE meetings and tell him to share his Twinkie with Rudolphus
24. When he looks disgusted threaten him with hair dye
25. PINK hair dye
26. Sing "Good Morning Starshine" at the top of your lungs during his "important" dinner parties
27. Replace his hair gel with Hair-B-Gone
28. Wear your "MUGGLE" t-shirt and prance around with him during his rounds
29. When washing his clothing, accidentally spill bleach on his robes
30. When he wears his new white clothes, tell him it's after Labor Day and he should now the rules of fashion
31. Steal his socks
32. When he asks about his socks tell him it was the laundry fairy
33. Put his underwear in the freezer
34.Insist that he has a secret admirer when he finds your melted chocolate hearts in his seat cushions
35. Try to read him "Rapunzel" and try to spot things that connect to his life
36. Point these factors out to him
37. Nickname him "Lucy"
38. When you go somewhere and return to the Barbie Dream Ho—I mean—Malfoy Manor yell "LUCY, I'M HOOOOME!"
39. Get him a pet guppy (yes a guppy, with a "G")
40. Tell him it's for a lesson in responsibility
41. Replace all of his expensive alcoholic beverages with Diet Coke
42. Make a secret base under the Malfoy Manor for all the Death Eater meetings and call it the "Snakey Cave" (base it on the Bat Cave)
43. Call Lucy a suck up
44. Ask him why he doesn't have a real snake
45. Tell himyellow is the new black
46. Give him gold stars when he's good
47. When he's good for an entire week give him a gold badge saying "I'M REACHING FOR THE STARS!"
48. Insist his "Malfoy Research Booklet" is a diary
49. Read his diary and make punctuation, spelling and grammatical corrections
50. Add notes to the sides with your comments
51. Make them sound corny
52. Give him a theme song
53. When he comes into a room, play the theme song
54. Refer to him as a "Girly Man" in an Arnold Schwarzenegger accent
55. Put gum in his hair
56. When he looks sad, play the violin mournfully
57. When he looks happy, do the Mexican Hat Dance around him
58. At Christmas time, decorate his house with bald, skinny, snake-like Santa's and when he asks, tell him to have a "Very Voldy Christmas!"
59. Glue a galleon to the floor and watch him struggle to get it off
60. Tell him if he grew out his hair and got a perm he could be Robert Plant
61. Embroider lace and sequins on to his Death Eater robes
62. Show him your "Happy Puppets" and tell him it'll help his anxieties
63. Replace all of his bondage equipment with your McDonald's Happy Meal toys collection
64. Write him poetry
65. Bad poetry
66. Announce, loudly and in public, that you saw him in the "Peter Pan" movie
67. Bake him Get-Happy-Brownies when his plans are foiled
68. Make him eat your "Chocolate Surprise"
69. After he eats it, scoot closer to him and tell him chocolate is an aphrodisiac
70. Get him a kitten and tell him petting animals relieves the soul of tension and the build up of nerves
71. Tape "Kick Me" on the back of his Death Eater robes
72. Pierce his ears and tell him to "Get his bling on"
73. Ask him if he remembers the 60s
74. Misspell his name as "Luscious" and insist it was an accident
75. Label all drawer, cabinets, shelves and rooms with Post-Its
76. Cover his room in Gryffindor colors
77. As an excuse, insist that he is an autumn, not a winter
78. Play "Platinum Blonde Life" when he's feeling exceptionally super model-ish
79. Tell him his diet isn't working
80. Tell him he has split ends
81. Tell him he'd look wonderful in Gucci
82. "Boxers or Briefs"
83. Tell him, for every bad word that he says, he owes you a knut
84. Turn his closet into a Voldemort shrine
85. Make him balloon animals and load them all into his room
86.Make him Jell-O
87. When he refuses to eat it, look hurt and tell him "But everybody has room for Jell-O!"
88. Get him a stress ball
89. Name it Sherman
90. Enroll him in pilates
91. Get him a subscription to "Cosmo Girl"
92. Get him a heart-shaped locket with an "L" on it
93. Give away his Snakey Cane to "evil unicorns with gummy bears and a mind for Boggle"
94. Make him a member of SPEW
95. Ask him what his astrological sign is then read him his compatibility charts everyday
96. Go "Professor Trelawney" on his ass
97. Fix his hair into flower barrettes while he's stunned and spray paint all the mirrors black.
98. Shower him with Lysol after he comes back from a DE meeting
99. After he laughs maniacally, offer him a Tic-Tac
100. Pluck his eyebrows all off and dye his hair brown
101. Tell him he's the Mona Lisa
102. Exchange his cane for an umbrella (tell him it's more practical)
103. When he's hung over sing (very loudly) "Oklahoma"
104. If you're not dead yet…be alive