Disclaimer: Hellsing belongs to Kouta Hirano.

Author's Notes: Dedicated to Dreadnot, edited by Hat-Wearing-Creep. Dawn set (maybe AU if the manga new chapters contradicts some events). Spoilers for Dawn 06 (aka Alucard's amazing, kung-fu fighting, living Coffin).


Coffin Nails

Walter C. Dornez had been trained physically and psychologically to reach an inhuman level of resistance at his youth. He had anticipated the disturbing horrors hidden in the concentration camps, he had fought ghouls and vampires, he had brought death to honour his moniker.

However, amidst the horror and battle, there were outcomes that took the young butler by surprise. One was discovering his foe was really a werewolf. He had fought him regardless, and ended up with a twisted leg and handful of scratches. The other was crossing the vicinities of Poland aboard a walking coffin beside his effeminate, undead partner.

Walter twitched in open discomfort and attempted to sprawl better without upsetting his wounded leg. The breeze was clearing the smoke produced by the explosion that destroyed the sinister Nazi installations just half an hour ago. Whatever survived their rampage, werewolf included, had been consumed by the flames already.

He stretched his arms and breathed the air, cleaning his lungs from the smoke. The atmosphere smelled foul, the heady scent of fried flesh and spilled blood lingered. Fortunately, Walter was accustomed to that particular 'fragrance.'

"Walter! Look, the fireworks are much better from afar!" Alucard pointed to the direction of the burning building. The scene had a macabre beauty, the metallic construction surrounded by oranges and yellows. Lazily, Walter threw a quick glance and shrugged.

"We didn't get to appreciate it when we were close," he replied. "We were busy trying to run for our lives."

"I was running, you mean. You were snuggling yourself on my back."

"Yeah, yeah. Thank you for carrying me and not leaving me behind that time," Walter grumbled, recalling how Alucard ran away with her wooden companion and locked him in with the psychotic wolfman.

"You're welcome, Angel of Death. Just don't tell Arthur about me leaving you alone with the werewolf, hmm? I just couldn't stand entertaining the notion that the beast would get fleas in my hat!"

Walter winced when Alucard's voice dissolved into fit of giggles. He had trouble adapting to the vampire's feminine side. It was hard to even look at him – her. The mannerisms, the way the vampire cared for the long bangs, and dusted the fuzzy white hat. Alucard was such a girl, and ladies made Walter extremely nervous. He did not know how to act natural around them.

"We should seek out the old chap in the Yankee plane to lift us to London," Walter proposed while he rubbed his leg, massaging the muscles with particular care.

"He's gone by now," Alucard informed him, waving her hand dismissingly and curling a strand of hair on her index finder. "Master told me the trip back home wouldn't be for free." Walter stared at the vampire who batted her lashes to him, winking. "C'mon, my last domain will take us somewhere safe. So relax and enjoy the journey, hmm? We have nice landscapes to-"

"What the hell is wrong with you?" exclaimed Walter, blanching at the news. He was alive by mere chance and in no condition to tour with Alucard atop his coffin as the war raged around them. "We're sitting ducks on this piece of shite. Should we paint ourselves a red target to make the job even easier to that goddamn filth?"

Alucard pouted, Walter's fury increased by the vampire's vain attempts of manipulations using sad looks. "That leg is putting you in a bad mood, Walter. Better cut it off."

"Keep your hands off me!" Walter said with alarm, getting flustered when Alucard started to giggle again. It made his ears bleed. The vampire did not heed his warning and leaned on his shoulder, pillowing against it. The butler started sweating not knowing why, and his voice trembled. "G-get a-away."

Alucard grinned, winking and shaking her head. "I'd rather not. It's very comfy here."

"Until some enemy shoots you through your thick skull, that is."

"Oh please. If you saw a walking coffin carrying a young girl and a young boy in the midst of war, would you shoot it?"

Walter opened his mouth to reply and then closed it, shaking his head. He would think he had lost his mind and was having hallucinations. "Good point," he accepted despite his common sense. "But we cannot tour through all of Europe on your casket, Alucard! What will happen when we reach the ocean? We'll have to row to the shore?"

"Of course not, silly boy!" she chided flirtatiously against his ear, tensing his entire body. "Has the leg slowed your wits? We'll steal something once we reach Warsaw."

Walter scoffed at the dim-witted accusation. "F-fine, just make sure your coffin doesn't accidentally step on a landmine."

"It's very careful, we are in good… hands."

Walter groaned and pretended to ignore the little caress she administered to him with her tiny gloved fingers. He needed to do something, keep his mind distracted while the trip lasted. He grew restless without anything to do but remain still and wait. He supposed he could slice every soldier they ran across, but in the meantime, Walter would indulge himself with a cheap, nasty…

"Where are they!" His hand came out empty from his pocket. The box of American Spirits he had borrowed from the old man was gone! "Fuck." Had he lost it during the explosion?

"Where is what? Did you lose something?"

Alucard's voice sounded altogether too sweet and innocent, like a little child just discovered stealing biscuits by her mother. Walter narrowed his eyes and turned to regard her. She smelled like tobacco underneath the rotting and blood.

I won't be bought by her pretty face.

"You know damn well, Alucard!" said Walter bristly. "The bloody coffin nails! Give them back."

Alucard tilted her head, pale, full lips forming a thoughtful line. She almost appeared serious and helpful if it weren't for her glowing, red eyes. "I don't think my last domain would appreciate it if I took out the nails, Angel of Death."

"Not those!" Walter cleared up, flustered. "The cigarettes. Those foul Yankee's brand cigarettes."

"Ah those coffin nails!" Alucard realized, clapping with mischievous glee. She graced him with a fanged smile. "I cannot. We already smoked them all."

"We? I only smoked one!"

"Not you, Walter. My coffin and I," Alucard elaborated with a tsk. Walter's jaw dropped. Her coffin - that casket smoked his cigarettes? "They were quite bad, we just saved you from lung cancer. You should thank me," she pointed out, clucking her tongue. She could not hold her unnerving giggle much longer.

Unanticipatedly, Walter seized her forearms and kissed her small lips roughly. They were cold and soft. Alucard was stunned at first and took a second to respond. She was so close to his chest, he noticed that beneath the white jacket, small breasts were concealed. Alucard with bust: the mental image forced him to jerk away from their kiss.

"Why?" Walter asked aloud to himself. Alucard observed him with a knowing silence and a loathsome cutesy grin. He tasted blood and tobacco in his mouth, her current flavour. It was the lack of cigarettes, he told himself, that and the pain on his leg. He wanted to silence the giggle for good, to stop her endless inane chitchat for the sake of his troubled mind. "War zones make men act erratic," said the butler as an excuse.

"For a virgin, you are a good kisser but not the best I have experienced," was her mocking reply.

Walter gritted his teeth, feeling his pride sting. Alucard was right, the leg made his temper flare for nothing. He calmed himself and smirked, feeling in better control of his emotions. So these are the so-called hormones? It's a pity they had to stir in the middle of a cold night in Poland.

"Maybe I should practice to improve according your standards."

"I'm a better teacher than I appear to be."

Suddenly as Walter inclined to reach for Alucard once more, a dark hand slapped him across the cheek, forcing him back and left him disoriented for an indeterminate amount of time. When he recovered, Alucard had distanced from his body, sitting across from him with crossed arms.

"What the hell happened?" Walter demanded quite dismayed. He rubbed his cheek, noticing the swelling area and hoping he had not lost any of his teeth.

"I think we'll need to postpone your lessons," she informed him with a sorrowful voice that failed to convince the butler. He stopped checking his teeth and lifted an inquisitive eyebrow. "You see…" Alucard looked down, lip quivering in a ridiculous manner; two wooden arms embraced her tiny frame leaving Walter with horrified awe. "My last domain is the most possessive in our relationship." Then she turned to murmur with the thing: "Don't worry beloved, the little butler can never stand between us. We'll always be together."

I must have inhaled something inside that building, Walter thought, petrified in disbelief as Alucard started to sigh dreamily, reclined on the strong arms of the casket. He hoped they found a plane soon before he sliced through both: the vampire and the coffin. With such a loving relationship they deserved to be together forever.