Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter.
Authoress Announcement: In this story, Peter Pettigrew is an important character too! Though he did betray Lily and James, he would have been nice enough. Anyway, he plays a good character here- quite important, and he's not too dimwitted or slow on the uptake- he's intelligent!
Introductory ranting: Observation: Lily Evans and James Potter are meant to be TOGETHER. Small problem: The former does not realize that and the latter cannot stay in the former's presence without making a fool of himself- as if he isn't one already. An excerpt from the notebook of Sirius Black when he was in seventh year. Why am I referring to myself in third person? Well, the most common reason would be that you are deranged. Bugger off Moony. As I was saying, we need to fix 'em up. We? Oh, hey Wormtail, even you're there. Of course, I am, and what do you mean "we"? Because I'm not having my arm broken again. He's right you know Padfoot. Bugger off you two, and yes its "we". Don't you want the credit for helping me out? The last time "we" tried to set them up, Wormtail ended up with a broken arm and it was me who made the potion, and you were lounging about on you're lazy arse telling us to HURRY UP. Guys? The readers are out there you know? Right y'are Wormy-kins. Don't call me that! Oh bugger off.
Now that the pests are out of the way- we're standing right here listening to every word!- let's get down to business. My new plan for the year, is named Recordings And Observations By The Great Sexy Sirius Black Who Is Observing The Prat James Potter And The Unyielding Perfect Head Girl Lily Evans, also known as Plan RAOBTGSSBWIOTPJPATUPHGLE! Padfoot? Could you name your plan something more practical? And preferably a name EASIER to say? You took the sentence out of my mouth Peter. Another name? How 'bout Sirius the Sexy? It has nothing to do with James or Lily. Right. How about The Elephant and the Nude Man? Are you referring to Lily as an "elephant"? Because she's not going to like it. And James is not nude, at least not at the moment. Right.
Shut up Padfoot. Peter, how about "Sirius Black's Siriusly Seventh Year Short Stories"? There. You happy Sirius? It includes you, and furthermore we're in seventh year and also since you're going to have an observation for each month, we can make it a story, thereby ensuring that the title is appropriate. I lost you on Peter.
With each observation comes an interesting proverb. And unfortunately, many of the proverbs were made by you, which means they aren't proverbs at all, merely foolish sayings. Merlin. Bugger off Moony. Hey Peter! That's MY chocolate!
Sirius Black's Siriusly Seventh Year Short Stories:
I am Sirius Orion Black. Uh…make that The Great Sirius Orion Black.
As Moony insisted on a "proper informative introduction", I'll sit and write one, and cancel my snogging session with that sexy Hufflepuff. I hope it will affect your conscience Moony! For anyone who actually needs an introduction out there- not that you would, because, as I'm so dashingly handsome and so charming and witty, I'm SO popular- I'm six-foot two, and have got the most gorgeous, muscular bod ever. I have stylish black hair, that is NEVER out of place, and the most lovely grey eyes, that can make the girls swoon. See! That sixth year Gryffindor chick just swooned! An example of my sexiness just came in handy.
I passionately LOATHE the Dark Arts, Slytherins, cream cake without chocolate sauce, a bad hair day, bad breath…oh the list can go on.
Anyway! The reason why I have this book in the first place, is because I am going to carefully note Prongs's pitiful attempts to get the Head Girl Lily Evans, to go out with him, because she has eluded that lovesick git's grasp for six years! And of course, I'll make suggestions to James, etc. etc.
And as Moony pointed out, this book should focus more on James and Lily than on ME! Moony how could you! You've deserted me! Betrayed me! Tortured me! Hey is that chocolate? Oi you little first year bugger- gimme that!
(A few seconds later)
I think that little midget has wet his pants from being scared. Wormtail did that once in first year. Anyway, this chocolate tastes good.
Coming back to what I was saying- what was I saying anyway? I'll backtrack and come back to you later.
(Three hours, thirty minutes and sixty seconds later)
Oh yes! I finally found out what I was talking about! James and Lily. James Potter, my best mate and this year's Head Boy, six foot two, messy black hair, hazel eyes…
Lily Evans, Head Girl, five foot nine, dark red hair- which Prongs describes as thick and gorgeous. If he wasn't lovesick about Evans, I'd say he was gay- emerald green eyes- Prongs has written a poem about them; could he be a poof?- and a vicious temper…
Oh and guess what? James is madly in love with Lily. When I say madly I mean MADLY. He behaves like a lovesick git around her. But you know, when they're together- here I mean James saying some cheesy chat lines and Lily yelling at him- they look so cute together. Oh Merlin! Did I just say "so cute"? Wait. I'll have to go snog some chick to ensure my masculinity is publicized. Whatever that means.
(Thirty minutes later)
That was a surprisingly short snog session. Still, we heard footsteps, and she couldn't risk it. When I say "we", I mean myself and that Ravenclaw girl. I can't remember her name.
I have made an important discovery! I NEED to set up my snog schedule. Yesterday, I was scheduled to do Shanna Westers, but I snogged Linda Saunders instead.
Sirius Black's Snog Schedule: (Hey, that's an alteration, or whatever that word that came out of Moony's big gob was!)
Monday: 10:00 pm- Jessica Shaw- Broom closet on third floor
11:00 pm- Caryn Conway- Astronomy Tower
Tuesday: 9:30 pm- Marie Rivers- Astronomy Tower
10:15 pm- Natalie Shaw- Broom closet on third floor
11:00 pm- Natasha Shaw- Astronomy Tower
Wednesday: 10:30 pm- Clarissa Grant- Astronomy Tower
Thursday: 11:00 pm- Katie Danner- Broom closet on second floor
11:45 pm- Jen Legge- Broom closet on seventh floor
Friday: 11:45 pm- Lyra Norton- Astronomy Tower
12:00 pm- Lyssa Norton- Broom closet on third floor
Done! That's an achievement overcome! (Hey that rhymed! Just like "closet" and "Lyssa"!)
Anyway, Lily (I like to call her THE Red Head) has just finished her forty five minute yelling session at James…in front of the entire common room…and all the occupants have removed their ear-muffs…and Lily has stormed back to her dorm…and James is now having a face like a smacked arse…
Hmm…I'd better go and cheer him up…where's Snivelly's picture, so that I can conjure unripe tomatoes to pelt it with? James, my man- join me!
Remus Lupin's and Peter Pettigrew's view on Sirius Black's entry:
Oh Merlin! I tell him to write an introduction, and what do I get? Unnecessary ranting and raving from that obnoxious git!
You were expecting it Moony.
Yes…but still! And let WHAT affect my conscience? That that prat couldn't snog, but instead spent his time more productively instead of sticking his tongue down that girl's throat?
Pass me that basin- I need to puke my insides out. "Charming"? "Witty"? Him? Padfoot's ego is as inflamed as a Droobles Gum bubble.
Good one Wormtail. "Muscular bod"? That's grammatically incorrect! Is it going to kill him if he writes "body"? That's just ONE letter extra! And that Gryffindor sixth year fainted because her friend shot a spell at her! And how the HELL have I "betrayed" him? This book IS supposed to comment about Prongs and Lily! Instead Padfoot goes and rants about HIMSELF. Oh god.
I know. And I did NOT wet my pants in first year! Sirius poured some water on my trousers! And how is saying "cute" un-masculine?
I suggest you go ask Padfoot. A SNOG schedule! Oh, for the love of Merlin! And I do NOT have a big gob, and I think he means "alliteration"!
A SNOG SCHEDULE! Calm down. Deep breaths…deep breathing- oh sod it! Padfoot you perverted, obnoxious git!
"Jessica Shaw", "Natalie Shaw", "Natasha Shaw"? Don't they happen to be sisters? Just HOW can Padfoot think of snogging SISTERS? It's…it's improper! I mean- they're sisters for crying out loud!
I'm thinking the same thing Moony. And he's also snogging the Norton sisters- on the same bloody day!
And "Lyssa" and "closet" do NOT rhyme. I think Padfoot, being an unfortunately sadistically perverted prat, is suggesting that the name "Lyssa" brings an image of a "closet". Is it a MUST that he HAS to be perverted?
I'm sure James is NOT going to like being described as having a face "like a smacked arse".
I don't know why we're so worked up about the "Introduction". I mean, it IS Sirius we're talking about here. And furthermore
When you say Sirius, you mean an unfortunately sadistically perverted, food addicted, git having a brain the size of a flea.
Exactly Peter, except he doesn't HAVE a brain.
Right. D'ya think we should show this to James?
I think he might find it out anyway. And if he does, he can write his feelings below our view. And "Snivelly"? We are seventeen year olds now! Is there even a reason to call someone "snivelly"? It reminds me of snot!
Uh…Moony? That's exactly the reason why James and Sirius even chose that name in the first place.
I know…I know.
Okay. Now gimme your Astronomy homework.
The change in subject is abrupt, and NO I'm NOT going to lend you my homework so that you can shamelessly copy it, because you were too lazy to do it earlier.
Too late for the sermon Moony. Sirius has it, and I'm copying it after him.
(The above introduction is sadly ended, owning to the fact that one sandy haired, intellectual boy is chasing a chubby, brown haired boy around the Common Room.)