Killing Perfection

Two weeks had went by since everyone had gotten sick and retired to Sesshomaru's castle. They left only three days after coming, which was a relief to Sesshomaru. He didn't want them to see his new occupation.

The chef thing was great while it lasted, but he decided to try his hand at a more creative hobby: interior decorating. He stood in his room, silently criticizing the plain beige wallpaper with the stark white sheets and dark mahogany dresser. Yes, this definitely could use some Sesshomaru magic. Four hours later, he re-examined his work. The walls were now lavender, with tie-dye bedding, and a blue dresser that he'd gotten at a yard sale. The room was ugly as hell, but he thought it was as beautiful as the Mona Lisa.

"Now, time to do Rin's room." He headed across the hall to the little girls' room. It had been decorated with light blue walls, and also white bedding with a matching dresser. Booooring, Sesshomaru thought. Needless to say, every bedroom in the castle was redecorated. None of the rooms matched. How he had managed to get a show, and receive good reviews, was beyond anyone. He hurried downstairs to see a re-run of one of his episodes.

"We are at the house of Naraku and Kikyo. They've asked me to redecorate their house and garage. Come on and let's go see what's in store for us!" The Sesshomaru in the TV went up to a large suburban house that was behind him and knocked. The Sesshomaru that now occupied the couch sat on the edge of his seat. This was his favorite episode, and he was eager to see what his work looked like now that he was home.

At the end of the show, they showed a before and after. The after was hideous. Anyone watching would've known that he'd fucked the couple over, but he himself refused to acknowledge this fact. "So beautiful," he sniffed, wiping away a tear, looking at their now orange, brown, yellow and pink bedroom. He got off the couch to head to his sewing room, another pastime hobby, when something on the screen got his attention. The background was black, but in white letters he read:

"The couple was really unhappy with the service that they received, despite the smiles they showed on the show. Anyone who couldn't tell that they were fake needs serious counseling and we will be happy to provide it. They have switched over to a new interior decorating company, Kohanu Corporation, and are now happy with their newly decorated house, mostly because it matches. The couple, as of the rest of Japan, and even the reviewers who only gave it a good review to spare their lives, have but one question: What the hell was Sesshomaru thinking? This was a public service announcement brought to you by Kohanu Corp: "If it isn't Kohanu's, then it's sh—!"

To drown out his sadness at the news, Sesshomaru went to his refrigerator and ate a whole gallon of ice cream, then finished off the last seven brownies from a batch of twelve. After he was done, he sat back and sighed contentedly. "Ah, nothing helps you to forget pain like food."

~.~.~

Kohanu sat behind his desk, counting his money. "One million one, one million two, one million thr-" The door opened quickly and in came a roach demon. She stood seven feet tall. Her kind was really only three feet high, but at the tender age of 900—roaches have been around for millennia, who's to say how long a roach demon lives?— she fell into a puddle of radioactive waste and was mutated into an extremely large freak of nature with a piece of sheet metal running through her head. She refused to have it removed, saying it made her "distinguished."

"Sir, your accountant is here."

Kohanu closed his eyes slowly, then gave an exasperated sigh. "Janice, how many times have I told you not to interrupt me during my private reflection time? Counting dough is hard work, something you wouldn't know about since you're content that your pay is the right to dig through my trash can."

Janice stood up straight in pride. It was true; when offered the job, she refused any sum of money simply for the chance to eat the leftovers of his lunch.

"Come closer, Janice," Kohanu told her. She took a small step toward him. "Closer." She took a few more steps toward him. "Quit being a bitch and come here!" Janice walked until she was right in front of him. Kohanu reached into one of his drawer and pulled out a spray can.

Janice's eyes widened in fear. "Please, sir! Not the Orkin spray! Anything but that!" Kohanu sprayed her anyways. Janice rolled on the floor, thrashing for a while until she came to a complete halt on her back, legs drawn up in the sign of death.

"I should've done that when I had the suspicion that she was having an affair with the janitor grub demon." He pressed a button on his desk and waited to hear a female voice on the other side. "Yes?"

"I need Jonathan to come to my office for a "pick up" and for you to get to work on finding me another secretary."

"Oh, sir, not another one! That's the sixth today!" Kohanu decided not to answer this, but got up from his desk and left his office. He went to the front main office where he saw his receptionist, whom he'd just got done talking to, and walked directly up to her. She didn't see him coming, which was just as well, for Kohanu quickly grabbed her shoulder and head and twisted it, breaking her neck. He put a note beside her body saying "Jonathan was here." Three birds with three stones, he thought. I'm such a silent assassin.

He whistled cheerily as he strode back to his office to continue counting his money, pleased to see that the "pick up" had been completed.

~.~.~

"One, two, three, four! I declare a thumb war!" Inuyasha and Shippou said together. Beside them was a small dry erase board with their names on it. Under Shippou's was a row of tallies. Inuyasha's had none. How the hell is he beating me? I'm older than he is; he's just a kid! Inuyasha let out a howl of pain as Shippou pinned his thumb under his.

"That's the twentieth time! Inuyasha, you really need to work on this. It's not all about brawns, but brains too." In his rage, Inuyasha picked up Shippou and threw him into the wall. He got up and went crying over to Kagome, who told Inuyasha to sit.

"Stop your crying! You weren't acting all weak just a moment ago when you were bragging about winning!" Shippou immediately stopped his dry cry and stuck his tongue out at Inuyasha. Inuyasha went for him again, but was told to sit before he reached the fox demon.

At the same time, in Kagome's living room where all this had been taking place, Miroku, Sango, and Souta had been playing Twister.

"Left foot green," Kagome's mom said.

There were only two green circles left. Souta got one. Miroku and Sango fought for the other. Sango bit Miroku's hand, trying to distract him. It didn't work, and a moment later, Sango felt a sharp stab of pain as Miroku punched her in her right eye. "Woman beater!" she shrieked at him.

In anger, she kneed him in the crotch and he crumbled to the mat, immediate disqualification. Gladly, Sango started moving her left foot to green, when Miroku tackled her, refusing to be beaten by a girl. They wrestled on the ground for a while, everyone stopping what they were doing just to watch, nobody trying to interfere. In fact, they were giving shouts of encouragement!

"Come on Sango, show him what a woman's made of!" Kagome's mom said.

"Cut off her hair!" Shippou screamed.

"You can do it!" Inuyasha yelled, not talking to anyone in particular.

"Bite her nose!" Kagome offered.

Sango stopped for a moment to glare at her. "Whose side are you on!" But during her brief pause, Miroku had taken the liberty of releasing the beads on his hand to let out his wind tunnel. Sango desperately grabbed on to the couch for support, but to no avail. Her last words were, "I'll get you next time, lecherous monk! You'll pay for this!"

Miroku quickly covered his hand before anyone else was sucked in. A moment of silence followed. Then: "Well, that was interesting," Grandpa said, and went outside to sweep the steps. Everyone else mumbled words of the same degree and left the house to attend to their business, as if nothing happened.

~.~.~

Sesshomaru sat on the futon in his living room, watching the geisha as they danced. Jaken sat about twenty feet from him, but hadn't spoken a word to him since his resurrection. He'd decided that if he needed to communicate with Sesshomaru, he'd use sign language. He noticed that his lips were moving slightly, as if he were saying something to himself. He was also watching the geisha a little too intensely. Jaken got up and faked like he had to use the bathroom, and risked his life by passing close to Sesshomaru. When he listened closely to him, he found out that he was singing "I'm in Love with a Stripper" except he'd changed "stripper" to geisha.

Sick bastard, Jaken thought. Immediately, he felt a clawed hand on his throat.

"I heard that," Sesshomaru said.

How the hell did he hear me? Jaken continued thinking.

"I heard it because I'm telepathic. I got it from my great great great great grandmother's best friend's cousin, twice removed." He offered no explanation for this. "Jaken, I want to be able to trust you again. It's part of why I revived you. And is also why I decided to make a clone of you!"

At these words, the living room door opened and another Jaken walked in to join the two (only two because the geisha had snuck out the door, without even waiting to be paid. They were tired of Sesshomaru staring at them as if they were some kind of delicacy).The other Jaken went and stood right next to the first Jaken, making it almost impossible to tell who was who.

"Jaken, this is Ja," Sesshomaru introduced the two.

Jaken grew pale. "Me lord-" He remembered that he had promised himself that he wouldn't speak to him, and instead signed, "Me lord, how come you never gave me a rapper's name?"

Sesshomaru didn't know sign language, but tried to signal back anyways. Amazingly, he did spell something: "fuck you."

"Ja was created from your...well, for lack of a better way to put it, your better half. I took your good DNA and created...a masterpiece!"

"Kind of like what you think of your miss-matched bedrooms," Jaken muttered under his breath. But Sesshomaru didn't hear this as he was listening to Ja.

"Lord Sesshomaru, you're so wise! Your intelligence is only surpassed by the Gods! And your skin is as smooth as a pineapple! And did I mention that your skills as an interior designer are those of perfection!"

"I can't believe you even fixed your mouth to say that!" Jaken cut in. "Have you taken a good look at this place? The walls are pink, the furniture is yellow, the carpet is orange, and the TV is green. Does this look like perfection? And this is just the living room!" He heard what sounded like a muffled sob, and turned to look at Sesshomaru. His lower lip was trembling, and then he covered his face and ran out of the room. His footsteps could be heard as he ran up the stairs and into his bedroom.

"Dear Diary," Sesshomaru began. "Today was the worst day of my life! Jaken criticized my designing skills, and after I just got done bringing him back to life, too! I give him a second chance and what does he do? He takes my kindness for a weakness. I hate him, hate him, hate him!" Sesshomaru opened his night stand drawer and pulled out a Hershey's bar, a Debbie cake, five chocolate chip cookies wrapped in foil, and a bag of Lays. All of this was gone within moments. Then he ran to his bathroom and stuck his finger down his throat. A moment later, he emerged with a satisfied smile on his face. "Ah, nothing works better for stress than bulimia."

~.~.~

Kohanu's accountant walked right into his office without knocking. Looks like I'm gonna have to make out another "package" to Johnathan, he thought. His accountant was a short man, only coming up to Kohanu's shoulders. His hair was just about gone from his head, but several white hairs could be seen coming out his nose and ears. "Kohanu, I've finally balanced your account, and it seems like you're twenty-thousand yen in the hole."

Kohanu didn't respond, but kept on counting his money. The accountant pulled out a folder and showed it to him. Kohanu didn't look up from his money. "You're behind on some payments to Lord Sesshomaru."At the mention of his name, Kohanu threw down his money and glared at the man.

"Mr. Tinkles, I believe that your calculations are wrong. Sesshomaru is twenty grand in debt to me. I won a bet that resulted in him selling his TV show to me along with twenty thousand yen. Life's become a bitch for him."

Mr. Tinkles had started sweating. "What's wrong with you?" Kohanu asked. "You look like you've just got caught stealing. Wait, I know why you're sweating like that! You're laundering money from me! Well, on that note—"

Kohanu stood up and went around the side of the desk and stood right in front of the short man. He raised his hand above his head and the man screeched like a woman. He did it again and got the same reaction. Finally he'd had enough. Reaching back as far as his hand would go, he slapped Mr. Tinkles with as much force as he could. The man fell back and hit his head on the filing cabinet, killing him.

Kohanu whistled to himself as he dug in a drawer and pulled out a body bag. He placed Mr. Tinkles in it, then pressed a button on his desk and paged the front office, where he reached his new receptionist. "Mrs. Leah, would you send Jonathan to my office? He has another pick-up." Satisfied, he walked out of the office and headed toward the parking lot. He had a visit to pay to Mr. Sesshomaru.

~.~.~

Inuyasha and the others had crossed back to feudal Japan after spending a week at Kagome's. "Boy, that was fun!" Shippou said, holding a Nintendo DS.

"You really should've left that there," Kagome told him.

"Pssht, please! Why would I leave the world's greatest portable electronic invention for entertainment back in your time?"

"Because, have you ever heard of the butterfly effect? Going backwards or forwards in time and changing just the littlest thing could cause history to alter."

"And that's bad...why?" Shippou asked her.

She sighed. "Because, if history is altered, there may not be Nintendo DS's in that future. Or ramen." At this statement, Inuyasha grabbed the DS from Shippou and threw it on the ground, breaking it.

"Damn it, Inuyasha! I was still on the first stage! Couldn't you have waited at least till I got to level two?" Everyone stared at Shippou. When did he start cursing?

Kagome spoke up first. "Oh, hell no! Mmn-mmn, you won't be speaking like that in my prescence!" she said in a deep voice, rolling her head and snapping her fingers. She grabbed him by his tail and hung him upside down. She reached into her bag for a bar of soap, then shoved it into his mouth. He'd started crying but the more sounds he made, the more bubbles were created. Unfortunately, Shippou didn't figure this out until the last moment, when he began to gag. No one paid him any attention, since they figured he was simply faking in order to have the soap removed. He died looking like a rabid dog.

"What are we going to do with the body?" Miroku asked.

No one answered for a moment. Then Inuyasha said, "Let's eat him!"

"Yeah, that's a great idea!" Kagome said. Miroku gathered the wood, Kagome started the fire, and Inuyasha, using some BBQ sauce Kagome had brought, broiled Shippou.

"I want a leg!" Kagome claimed.

"I'll take the feet and paws," Miroku said.

"I want his head," Inuyasha stated. Everyone stopped to stare at him. "What?" Everyone kept staring. "What!? Oh, you can't say that the head wouldn't be the juiciest part on him! I mean, the brains will be frying too, so they'll be nice and tender, and melt in my mouth, not in my hands, and his eyeballs will kind of be like dumplings, and as for his ears—"

"Inuyasha, that's sick!" Both Miroku and Kagome said.

"I'm not hungry anymore," she said, pushing away her portion of Shippou and standing to leave. Miroku did the same.

"Guys, wait, come back!" Inuyasha received no answer. "Fine, I'll eat him by myself." He was about to reach for the charred body, when a gust of wind blinded him. Kouga. His newly appointed cousin. His arch nemesis.

"Hey there, mutt face," he sneered. Inuyasha tried to ignore him and go back to eating Shippou, but Kouga snagged up the boy, and shoved him in his mouth, fur and all.

Inuyasha stared at him incredulously. "Your mouth opens a little wider than it should, and a little too quickly. What have you been doing?" Kouga didn't get it. "Do you like being on your knees a lot?" Inuyasha attempted to help him out. Still, a puzzled look remained on Kouga's face. Finally, Inuyasha sighed. "I can't believe you ate even Shippou's head." The joke snapped through Kouga's mind quickly.

"I always knew you'd amount to nothing more than a mangy mongrel. Tell me Inuyasha, what do you do for a living?"

"Well, if you must know Kouga, I'm into pharmaceuticals. I got my license yesterday." Kouga blanched at this. "So, what do you do, Kouga?" Inuyasha asked coolly.

"Um…you know... a little bit of this...a little bit of that...just the normal." Really, Kouga couldn't find any work better than being a taste tester at a prune factory. Let's just say he didn't work many days.

"Oh, that's nice," Inuyasha replied almost sarcastically. Kouga hadn't heard him. He was over by Kagome, flirting. Inuyasha pulled out Tetsusaiga and used the Wind Scar on him. Unfortunately, Kouga moved, leaving Kagome exposed to the attack. Another one bit the dust.

"Aaaaahhhhhh!" Inuyasha screamed, looking at Kagome's now disfigured body. Her entire left side was missing.

"She kind of looks like a Picaso painting," Miroku said, looking at her with his head tilted as if he were trying to see her in different angles. Kouga had retreated back to whence he came, leaving the damage on Inuyasha's hands and not even bothering to chew him out for killing Kagome. He had left her to die, he had no room to talk.

Inuyasha eyed her mournfully for a moment, then said to Miroku, "Still hungry?"

~.~.~

"Please, cousin Kohanu, have some more sake," Sesshomaru offered him in a sticky-sweet voice.

Kohanu had come to the palace to collect the twenty-thousand owed to him from the bet. Sesshomaru wouldn't have had to deal with him just yet, but Jaken had answered the door. Now, here they were, sitting in his gothic black den, eating scones and drinking tea and sake. Sesshomaru's plan was to get his cousin drunk, then talk him into signing some kind of statement saying that he owed him money, and not the other way around. What no one knew was that the Lord of the West was broke. He'd spent all of his money on E-bay just to get the real light saber that Luke Skywalker had used.

He poured more sake into Kohanu's cup and watched with a very pleased smile on his face as he drank it. Kohanu wasn't one who was good with liquor and after only one and a half cups, he was just about drunk. Sesshomaru's precious loyal servant topped it off.

Kohanu had yet to see Ja, so when the imp/toad strolled into the dark room, he wasn't expecting to see Jaken walk right in afterward. He figured he was drunk and seeing two. "Holy sh-"

"Don't curse," Sesshomaru told him. Rin was right next door in the living room, watching the Matrix, but was really drooling over Agent Smith. Ew.

Kohanu stared at the two little green demons. Ja said, "Can I get you anything? Some tea, a soda, another cup of sake?"

Sesshomaru didn't give him time to decide. He grabbed the bottle with the sake in it, and forced it into Kohanu's mouth. "Drink, bitch, drink!" He screamed, forgetting that Rin could hear him. He held it to Kohanu's lips until the bottle was dry. Now he was thoroughly drunk.

"Did..did I ever tell you how...how you look like a whore?" Kohanu slurred. Sesshomaru ignored this and got out a folded piece of paper stating that all money and assets he owned now belonged to him. He handed him a pen and told him to sign. "What's this, a will or a want?"

I guess he's not as drunk as I thought he was, Sesshomaru thought. He grabbed another bottle of sake and forced it down his throat, then he held the paper in front of him again. Kohanu leaned forward to sign it, but fell over face first on the glass coffee table. A noise from the doorway got Sesshomaru's attention. Miroku and Inuyasha were standing there, bearing witness to Kohanu's murder/suicide.

"Hurry up, revive him!" Miroku said.

"…No, I don't think I will," Sesshomaru said slowly. He walked over to Kohanu's body and rolled it over. About time that nuisance died. Now, what to do with the body... He looked over at Inuyasha and Miroku. "Baked or stir-fried?"

Epilogue

Miroku went on to own his own club called the Lecherous Monk. Unfortunately since Naraku was still alive at this time, he still had his wind tunnel. Every time he started feeling on a woman, the beads came undone and sucked her in. All of the lawsuits caused him to go out of business.

Inuyasha finally defeated Naraku, and obtained the full Shikon Jewel, only for it to crumble into dust the moment he touched it. Two years down the drain.

Sesshomaru gave up being an interior designer, finally realizing that the reason so many people were criticizing what he thought beautiful, was because he was color blind. In fact, all dog demons are color blind, inheriting it from their animal counter-part, dogs. He went on to become a talk show host, naming the show simply after his name, Sesshomaru, which was like a cross between Oprah and Jerry Springer. He has a whole new swing of confidence and is now living large and laughing easy. He had no need to run the Western Lands anymore. He gave it over to Inuyasha, but he was killed immediately. People weren't quite keen on having a half-breed in power.

In the end, Rin inherited the entirety of the Western lands.