A Typical Mission

By Kate Carter

Disclaimer: Stargate: SG-1 is not mine.

Summary: "Remember that time on P3X-595, when you drank that stuff that made you take off…" What really happened on P3X-595? From the depths of Cheyenne Mountain, we bring you…"P3X-595, A.K.A. The Mission From Hell! (or, a typical low-key mission for SG-1)"

MISSION REPORT – P3X-595

MISSION DATE: --/--/----

MISSION STATUS: UNDECIDED

REPORT BY: COL. J. O'NEILL, USAF, CO, "SG-1"

MISSION GOALS: 1. SCOUT P3X-595 2. DETERMINE GOA'ULD THREAT LEVEL 3. MAKE CONTACT WITH INHABITANTS (IF ANY)

SG-1 was deployed to P3X-595 on --/--/-----. Upon arrival, I expressed my surprise at seeing the large number of trees in the area. The team agreed that we were likely in the middle of a fairly thick swamp, judging from the putrid smell in the air. Temperature appeared to be approximately 90° Fahrenheit, humidity approximately 100. We moved out in a standard recon of the area immediately surrounding the Stargate. The first 100-meter perimeter search turned up nothing of interest but some quicksand, in which Dr. Daniel Jackson sunk. We managed to get him out with moderate trouble, although in the process, Teal'c also fell in. Once we had managed to recover Teal'c as well, we continued to perform recon, when I felt a stinging sensation on the area below my lower back. We discovered in this manner that the planet had something similar to a very large mosquito, which leaves an irritated spot the size of a small apple. After we determined the "mosquito" bite was non-poisonous, we continued on the way. I expressed my displeasure at the location the bite was placed multiple times, until my 2IC, Captain Carter, told me that if I wanted she would take it off with her knife. At this point, I became quiet about it, not because of the implied threat, but because the other members of my team agreed and I thought it would boost the team morale.

When we finally made it through the swamp, we found ourselves at the base of a mountain. Approximately halfway up the mountain was a small village, if you can call a group of huts that look like a slight breeze could knock them over by that name. We decided that this was too low-tech to be a Goa'uld occupied planet, and went on to the village. It took approximately an hour to climb the mountain, and approximately half-an-hour to rescue Dr. Jackson when he forgot he was wearing a pack and leaned too far backwards (hence the numerous scrapes and bruises he has; you will note they are consistent with rolling down a mountain).

The village inhabitants were on hand to greet us when we finally arrived. After telling them who we were and where we came from, they expressed great pleasure and offered us refreshments. Captain Carter was the first to try the offered drink, which she described as being a very strong alcohol. Upon hearing this, I forbade Dr. Jackson to drink any, since prior off-duty get-togethers have shown that he has minimal tolerance for alcohol. Teal'c did not drink any, as is his custom. Our hosts seemed to be getting somewhat irritated that we were not drinking it, so I took some sips of mine and Carter drank the rest of hers. This seemed to appease them.

After a few minutes, Carter began to complain that it was too warm. She took off her jacket and sat it aside. She then proceeded to remove her boots. This was followed by her shirt. As she was trying to unbutton her pants, I realized that she had become inebriated and ordered her to leave her pants on and put her shirt back on. In reply, she jumped up on top of the long wooden picnic table belonging to our hosts and began to sing and dance. Out of courtesy to the captain, I will not mention what her musical number was. I had Teal'c bring her down and restrain her while Dr. Jackson and I put her boots back on, then we told our hosts that we had to leave and would send someone else to talk to them. We marched back to the Stargate, taking approximately an hour and a half to get down the mountain and through the swamp. During this time, Captain Carter began to sober up, finally being able to walk in a reasonably straight line under her own power by the time the 'Gate was in sight.

In total, mission time was 5 hours, 54 minutes. I recommend that another SG team be sent to make further contact with the inhabitants and under no circumstances do they drink anything offered.

Dated --/--/----

Col. J. O'Neill

CO, SG-1