disclaimer: I love to disclaim! Yaaaaaaaaaay! (runs around house screaming)

He wouldn't call it jealousy. No, he was definitely not jealous. Jealousy was as far from the truth as you could get.

He was practically happy for her. He was almost excited that she was finally getting herself a date after these last months of stagnant activity. He was relatively close to a positive emotion.

He was simply mildly invidious towards the lucky stiff that was picking her up. That got to parade her around on his arm and pay for her dinner and make her feel like the world was hers tonight.

Damn that bastard. Damn him to hell.

"Elliot?" He looked up as she reentered the room, now changed for the evening. He blushed with the immediate thought that came to mind at the sight of her in the little black dress, adjusting her heels and showing a lot of leg as she did so. "Elliot, do I look alright?"

"Well…I…" He choked on his words, still trying to erase the mental picture in his head. Why did it involve grapes? Why did it ALWAYS involve grapes?

She frowned. "Oh god, is it that bad? Do I look like a slut? Because if I wear something slutty on our first night out it will totally look like I'm trying to go too fast, won't it?" She bit her lip, running a careless hand down her side, fingertips grazing her hip in an almost sensual way. He swallowed hard, knowing he was now the color of a fried tomato.

"You look amazing." He finally blurted out, nearly losing his voice with the last word. She smiled at this, taking a seat across from him.

"Oh, that's good." She adjusted her hair, staring into a compact mirror. "Christ, I'm so nervous." She gave him another smile, this one not as open. "I don't know why, but I'm a mess. I feel like I'm going to my prom or something."

His eyes narrowed. "Is he a jerk?" Elliot asked quickly, tensing up. "Because if he makes you uncomfortable, you just give me a call and I'll pull out his-"

"El!" She frowned, hitting him on the arm. "Trust my judgment, 'kay? If he was a jerk, would I be going out with him?"

Elliot shrugged, still frowning. "Well, if he turns out to be one anyway-"

"Calm down, DAD. I think I can handle it." She let out a small sigh and stood up, going to the door of the precinct.

"Well, you pretty much blew that one." Came a sarcastic voice to his left, and Elliot rolled his eyes, not turning to face his co-worker but keeping his eyes on her slender form at the door, biting her nail.

"Thanks Munch. Thanks a lot."

"Hey, I'm just telling you the truth. If you hate her going out with other guys so much, why don't you just ask her out yourself?"

"What?" He turned on Munch, eyes flashing dangerously. "Are you honestly suggesting-"

"That you look at her like my German Shepard when he's in heat? Yeah, I am."

"If you value your ass, Munch-"

"Good thing I don't, or I would have all sorts of self-esteem problems." Munch shrugged. "Look El, if you didn't like her, then why the problem with her date?"

Elliot rolled his eyes. "What are you talking about? I'm supposed to be protective! She's like my…like my sister!"

Fin whistled from his seat beside Munch. "Funny, because I don't recall ever staring at my sister's legs like they were pieces of meat."

Munch nodded. "Yeah, if I ever looked at my sister like that, my parents might have suspected her boyfriend's baby shared some common heritage."

Fin shuddered. "Incest is creepy, man." He gave Elliot a discerning glance. "And if you're eyeing your sister like you eye Olivia, I would recommend some serious therapy."

Elliot growled at them. "Forget it, guys. Just forget it."

The lucky stiff was at the door. He had no doubt in his mind that this was the guy, judging from the nice suit and the expensive cologne he'd totally overdone. Plus he had an obnoxious haircut. He didn't know why, but it was just OBNOXIOUS.

Elliot scowled, trying not to gag as he did so.

Olivia was smiling, taking the rose he handed her. Roses? She didn't like roses! Everyone knew her favorite flowers were sunflowers! EVERYONE!

'Cept this lousy dickhead.

He could take it no more. He got to his feet, warranting some serious glances from Munch and Fin, and headed for where the couple stood.

"Oh," Olivia turned, her eyes widening when she saw him. "Hey Elliot." She smiled at Mr. Suave Asshole again, pointing to Elliot. "Dave, this is Elliot. He's my partner."

Dave smiled. Elliot felt like puking all over his brand new shoes. "So, you're a detective too? That sounds interesting."

Elliot tried not to roll his eyes. "Yeah, it's great. Always a fun time, working on rape cases."

Dave's smile faded momentarily, and he gave Elliot a curious look. "Oh…well…"

Elliot turned to Olivia, who was regarding him with sudden coolness. "Do you want to take my car? It's just a really safe car, and the roads might be tricky tonight."

"My car's fine." Dave said, laughing. Elliot felt like breaking his nose. It was an OBNOXIOUS laugh. "I'm sure a Mercedes is made to handle the perilous April roads…"

Shit. A Mercedes. He hated him more.

"Well, Olivia can borrow my car anytime she wants it. We're close like that, you know." Elliot stepped closer to Dave, his eyes narrowing. Olivia coughed uncomfortably. "Olivia and I work together. We see each other most everyday. I see her more than I see my wife, who is now my ex-wife."

Dave bit his lip. "Er, sorry about that."

"No problem. I'm unmarried now. Just like Olivia is unmarried, actually. And that means we're both unmarried."

Dave frowned. "I see that."

"Well, time's wasting." Olivia took Dave's arm, dragging him towards the door. "We'll be late for the play if we don't get going, so see you later, Elliot."

"That also means we're both single!" Elliot called after them. He let out an angry sigh as the door slammed in his face, then turned to face a silent squad room, the occupants now string blankly at him.

"What?" He snapped, shuffling to his desk and falling into his seat.

"Well, that wasn't awkward or anything…"

"Munch, I swear to god I will take this file and shove it where the sun don't shine-"

She suddenly appeared in the doorway, running to her desk. Elliot looked up immediately, his eyes widening.

"What?" He asked. "What did he do-"

"You." She turned on him, her eyes narrowing and flashing red. "I'll deal with you later." She found her keys in the desk and ran back out the door, perfectly-formed ass disappearing when it slammed behind her.

Elliot ignored the tally Fin was currently adding to, especially considering the fact it now read Olivia- 2, Elliot- 0.

"I'm going home." He growled finally, standing up and shoving his seat so hard into the desk that it nearly dented the front. He forgot his coat but didn't really care as he stomped to the parking garage, starting his car with a scowl on his face.

Damn thing. Had to start slow, didn't it?

Damn Dave. Damn bastard mother-fucking Dave.

And damn Olivia, too, for going out with him.

But he regretted it as soon as he thought it. It's not her fault. His head fell onto the steering wheel, his forehead throbbing. It's never her fault.

He let out a slow sigh as he backed out of the space, turned out of the garage, and made his way down the street. It was going to be a lonely night, again. He planned on eating nothing but leftover birthday cake and watching Golden Girls reruns until it hurt. Then he'd go beat up his pillow for a while and wonder why the hell he'd never asked her. Wonder why the hell he let her walk out the door with Dave. Wonder what the moron's license plate number was, just so he could key the car.

No, he wouldn't. Nix the car-keying.

And he still wasn't jealous of that bastard. Maybe he was a little upset.

But he was NOT jealous of the no-good mother-fucking slut-sliding shithead bastard Dave.