This is so uncharacteristic of me, I know. Normally, I don't write these things, but right now - I could care less. :) And I'm using the dub names... to give it a bit of humor, I suppose. Even though I despise 4Kids and their dubbing. I thought of the idea while folding laundry. Yes, folding laundry. Was I drunk and-or high? I can't remember.
Warnings: OOCness, sex changes, Mary-Sue bashing, cursing, JadenxChazz (meant as a joke, I suppose), recycled humor from my Chrono Trigger fics, other randomness I can't think of now.
Disclaimer: If I owned GX, 4Kretins would not have gotten their filthy fingers on it.
Chapter One: Problems
No. Not him. ANYONE but him. If I were to die a painful death, let it be now.
"Hey, Chaaaaaaazz, where aaaaaaaare yoooooooooooou?"
Chazz was hiding in a tree. His whole purpose behind "having some alone time" meant just that - being ALONE. The fact that Jaden didn't quite get the meaning of the term kind of pissed Chazz off. Okay, it REALLY pissed Chazz off.
"Hey, Syrus! Seen Chazz?"
Chazz groaned. Jaden was standing right under his tree, talking in that outrageously irritating voice, and who has to come along? Zane's annoying little "I sound like a girl" brother.
"No, I thought he said he was going for a walk?" Syrus said in that girlie voice of his.
"He's been gone for ten hours," Jaden said. "I was wondering if he'd died or something."
I wish, Chazz thought. Then he'd leave me the fuck alone, at least...
He must have thought it out loud.
"Hey Syrus, did you hear that?" Jaden asked, peering into the trees.
"Yeah, I thought I heard Chazz," Syrus replied, also staring at the trees.
Blend in, blend in, blend in-
"There he is! Hey Chazz, what are you doing up there?" Jaden called loudly.
"No, go away!" Chazz yelled.
Jaden and Syrus looked at each other, then looked back at Chazz. "Can we come up?" Jaden called.
"WHAT PART OF 'GO AWAY' DID YOU NOT GET?" Chazz screamed, throwing an acorn at the two Slifer slackers below and managing to piss off a hungry squirrel with rabies.
The two were silent for a second before Jaden opened his mouth again. "So, is that a yes?"
It took the better part of two hours for the two nimrods to leave. TWO HOURS. It was a miracle the two even left - they'd said something about a big duel between Bastion Misawa and some random Ra chick. That's not the point.
Who the hell is so dense that they cannot understand the meaning of the words "no," "go away," and "leave me the fuck alone!"?
Jaden Yuki, that's who.
Chazz was getting really really really really really really really really REEEEEALLY pissed at Jaden Yuki. The same Slifer slacking Jaden Yuki that made him out to be a loser in front of the entire school, nay, the entire world! Damn that Slifer slacker!
"Talking to yourself again?"
Chazz groaned. It was Atticus Rhodes, the obnoxious brother of the undeniably sexy Alexis Rhodes.
"What do YOU want?" Chazz sneered from his perch on the tree branch.
Atticus grinned up at him. "You're talking about Jaden Yuki aren't you?"
"No, I'm talking about Chumley Huffington."
"Do you waaaaaant Jaden?" Atticus suggested deviously, ignoring Chazz's sarcasm completely.
Chazz nearly fell off his branch. "What the hell are you talking about? NO, I don't want Jaden! He's - he's-" Chazz faltered. What was Jaden? Except an annoying twit, Slifer slacker, and- yeah, annoying twit pretty much summed him up -?
"You're gay, aren't you?" Atticus asked wisely.
Chazz spluttered indignantly. "Let's get one thing straight. I'm not."
There was an awkward pause.
"No, wait, that's not what I meant to say."
"Uh-huh, sure," Atticus said, rolling his eyes.
"I just want to get away from him! He won't leave me alone!" Chazz exploded. "I go for walks to clear my head, not to listen to him ramble on about dueling and the fact that Syrus was informed by Jasmine and Mindy that Misawa was told that that Crowler said that Banner overheard Dimitri say that Jaden's Bubbleman is gay! He WON'T SHUT UP!"
"There is one way you can avoid Jaden forever," Atticus said solemnly, trying to work out what Chazz had just yelled. "But few men choose this path, for it is quite difficult to reverse. That and the fact that it significantly reduces their skills in bed."
Chazz nearly flew off the branch. "TELL MEEEE!"
Atticus was slightly taken aback by the fact that Chazz was practically choking him to death. So it was only natural that the words that came out of his mouth sounded like "murder Jaden in his sleep" when they were really - well, really wrong.
"Murder!" Chazz exclaimed. "That's brilliant! Why didn't I think of that before?"
"Uck eck eck ank!" Atticus choked. "Nuk mukek!"
"THANK YOU!" Chazz yelled, hugging Atticus. "I LOVE YOU -er - YOUR IDEA!"
Atticus managed to push Chazz off. "I said, 'you should get a sex change.' I'm not sure how you managed to get 'murder Jaden in his sleep' out of that-"
Professor Banner looked up from the papers he was grading (actually, putting random grades on depending on how much he liked the student), and sighed as his window shattered from a high pitched sound. "Who told Chazz to get a sex change THIS time...?"
Atticus cringed as Chazz continued his banshee wail. "Chazz! CHAZZ! For the love of-" He was struck with an idea. "I know! I'll get you a date with my sister!"
The screaming silenced. "Go on."
"...that's it, man."
"Really?" Chazz asked. "No catch?"
"Of course... not. None at all. Nope. Just come to the abandoned dorm tonight at, say, ten thirty. I'll make sure Lexi is there," Atticus said, crossing his fingers behind his back. "You'll be there?"
"Yeah!" Chazz said excitedly. "I'm going to score with Alexis! Sweet ass!"
Atticus nodded. "Yes, now I have to go... do stuff... at the dorm... Bye!"
Chazz was too excited to notice Atticus' evasively evil behavior. Perhaps it was for the best, because if Chazz knew exactly what Atticus was planning at that moment, Chazz would have murdered Atticus instead of Jaden. And it would have been violent and bloody and painful as Chazz knew how to make it.
Chazz wasn't sure why Atticus had suggested the abandoned dorm as the date spot, but now that he thought of it, he wasn't likely to be interrupted by the Slifer slacker in it. Zing.
He heard some giggling and assumed it was Alexis. He followed the sound to a dark, empty room at the end of a long hallway. Well, no, that's not entirely accurate. There was a bed in the room. Chazz became more excited. He hurried into the room, and a silhouetted figure at the window giggled.
"Alexis?" Chazz said, almost drooling. "That you?"
"Not quite, Chazz."
The room was illuminated by bright lights, and Chazz could see the room clearly now. The room was small, and the bed was one of those kinds you'd find in a doctor's office. A tray of surgical tools was lying near the bed. Then Chazz saw who was in the room.
Another figure knocked him out with a heavy copy of "Shakespearean Insults for Bad Insulters."
"Now," the figure standing near the window said, pulling on some gloves. "Let's get this party started."
Chazz woke up with a start.
"Relax, Chazz," said a soothing voice next to him. "We're alone."
Chazz glanced over. "Alexis!"
This is so cool! Chazz thought. I'm sleeping with ALEXIS! Damn, she's hot, and- holy eff! She's NAKED! Wait, am I? He checked. Score! I'm scoring with Alexis
"Chazz..." Alexis moaned, leaning into him. "Chazz..."
He pulled her closer. "Wow, she smells like - like - formaldehyde? Wait this can't be right-"
"I'm sorry, Chazz," Alexis whispered into his chest. "But you have to wake up now... wake up... wake up..."
He woke up. For real this time, too.
He was naked. That was the first thing he realized. Then he noticed that he was in a massive amount of pain on his chest and groin areas. And he had a headache. He couldn't remember what he'd been doing - drinking?
He lifted the sheet.
"OH MY GOD!"
His friend had been chopped off. He had been given boobs. HE WAS A GODDAMN GIRL!
Screaming like a sissy, he got up and ran for the nearest mirror, and screamed again at the sight that stared back at him.
He had long black hair that was neatly layered, boobs, and a girl's reproductive organ. He didn't recognize the old Chazz anywhere in that monstrosity that was before him.
"Clothes - I need - clothes - and then, and then..." He thought for a moment. Who was responsible? "I'll kill Atticus! I'll kill him dead! Like, with a rock... or something."
He couldn't focus. Was this how girls lived? They couldn't focus, ever? And what the hell kind of way to kill someone was killing them with a rock?
"I'll stab you!"
"With a cheese grater!"
Yeah, he'd lost it.
"DAMN IT, ATTICUS!"
---To be continued---
Well, I really wanted to have Chazz yell "Damn it Fubuki!" because it sounds funnier, but I had to go along with the dub names... Damn me... Okay, review! Or the killer bunny from Monty Python will eat you! LOOK AT THE BONES!