A/N (Super Ceech) Greetings, all, to the new parody of Calum the Angel, Spacewolf and myself! If you enjoyed Love is Blind...I have no doubt you'll enjoy this one as well! And just as a quick reminder, while reading our parodies, you must keep an open mind. We are not trying to insult anyone with our fics, we're just trying to spread the humour!
This parody in particular is a bit more wide-ranged than Love is Blind, dealing with any trends we find are repeated over and over again in various fanfics, and which we believe deserve closer scrutiny...and ridicule. Hope you enjoy!
"Oh, crap!" Kagome muttered as she ran towards her school in the distance. Her books were practically falling out of her arms, her hair was tousled and she was most definitely late. The only thing that would make this morning any worse was–
–him. Inuyasha Asshole. He was such an asshole. She hated him. He did nothing but pull pranks on her. She was like his little guinea pig. He treated her like dirt, bossed her around and got the whole school to hate her as well. It really sucked that he was hot and popular and he could somehow control everyone in the school – even the principal. This was because he was an Asshole and everyone knew that Assholes influenced everything that went on in the city. Because they were rich. And money...well, money was all powerful and it just worked, okay!
Groaning, Kagome turned her head to see Inuyasha driving up beside her in his brand-spanking-new Ferrari. He was fifteen just like her, but he was allowed to drive 'cause of that Asshole thing again. "What do you want, Asshole?"
"Running late, are we, Higurashi? Well, I suppose I could give you a ride, just this once. C'mon, hop in." He flashed her an irresistible grin.
Hey, he was being nice for once! Kagome didn't have much running through her mind except, 'Dear lord, I may not be late after all!' and so headed for the car with a grateful and relieved smile. That grin was enough to make her forget the implications of Inuyasha's last name.
As soon as Kagome got within three feet of the car, Inuyasha started laughing maniacally and stepped on the gas. This caused the puddle under the tires to splash up and drench Kagome thoroughly as Inuyasha then drove off towards school.
"IIIINNNNUUUUYYYYAAAASSSSHHHHAAAA!" Kagome screeched. "I HATE YOU!"
She watched through narrowed eyes as the car stopped up ahead and started to go in reverse, coming back towards her. Inuyasha pulled up level with her once again. "Oh, I almost forgot," he said, grinning more than ever. Faster than she could blink, he pulled five balloons out of nowhere and lobbed them at her. She was totally off guard and each one made a direct hit, splashing her with the different colours of paint they had each been filled with. Inuyasha drove off once again.
Kagome knew she couldn't go home at this point – her mother would frown and give her a slightly disapproving look. She just couldn't take that look! No. She'd go the rest of the way to school and endure all the jeering, mocking and evil looks from the other students instead. That was a far better idea.
When she arrived at school, everyone laughed as expected. And sneered. And glared. And jeered. And called her names. And some poked her. Some spit on her. Some threw stuff at her.
Oh, yeah. She'd made the right decision when she choose to come here rather than home.
When she arrived at her locker, she noticed there were three wads of gum on the lock – one was Inuyasha's, and the other two belonged to Miroku Grope and Kouga Horny, his two lackeys. They left them there every morning. And, as her daily ritual, she peeled each off with a grimace before opening her lock.
She gasped. There was hot mustard dripping off everything in her locker! Don't ask me how she knew it was hot before touching it or why hot mustard is more hurtful than cold mustard but she did and it is! How was she going to function at school now? You know, ignoring her already paint-stained body and all?
There was no choice. Kagome collapsed to the floor in front of her locker and cried into her non-mustardized but now paint-stained books. She cried and cried and bawled and wailed but no one really cared. Because everyone had their hands tied by some Asshole or another (which is quite a feat if you think about it!). They all worshipped the Assholes. And took their every word as a holy word always to be taken as the truth.
So finally Kagome picked herself up off the floor, now covered in its dirt. Her day was just getting better and better! So she decided to go straight to her second class, gym, because she'd been late and then cried through most of her first class.
She got on her mustardized gym clothes and attempted to put on her running shoes, only to discover that her laces had been superglued together. She would just have to waddle...
And waddle she did. She did amazingly well, considering they were playing soccer that day in gym. Inuyasha hit her in the head with the ball no less than fifteen times before the end of class (laughing derisively each time) and she was seeing double as she changed back into her normal clothes, causing a few mishaps.
As she was about to hand in her Biology assignment next period, Inuyasha randomly walked by and ripped it up. The teacher gave her a reproachful look and a zero on the report, with no chance of making it up.
For lunch, Inuyasha's minions stole her food and chased her off school property; she was forced to eat berries she found on the roadside, not sure if they were poisonous or not. Then Inuyasha had all the custodians lock the school doors and she had to eat a maggot before he would let her in.
Miroku felt her up and Kouga shoved her into a locker on her way to Drama. Her Math teacher later on in the day gave her a zero on all her homework questions even though she knew they were all right. Someone dumped spaghetti on her head between classes. When she was sitting in Economics, a spitball smacked her in the back of the neck and slid down inside her shirt. Inuyasha managed to get a "Kick Me" sign on her back without her noticing somewhere along the way and for the rest of the day, Kagome was subjected to many random jabs.
All in all, a typical day in the life of Kagome Higurashi, who was acquainted with the biggest hole of the Asshole family.
The next day at Hellhole High, a new student transferred. And for some reason, the high school teachers and students cared about this one new person among their student population of seven hundred. And they decided to especially point him out to everyone in all of his new classes. And it was a good thing they did, because this student's name was Naraku and he was introduced to this story so that he could do evil, despicable things. But he had a lot of work to do to catch up with Inuyasha Asshole.
Anyway, after Kagome had taken a careful amount of time to note how sinister and evil Naraku looked through her honey-soaked bangs (for that's what had fallen on her head as she had walked in the school doors that morning), she went back to her work, never thinking that he would ever bother doing anything to her. Because that psychotic, sadistic glare straight at her didn't mean a thing.
Instead she thought of how much she hated Inuyasha. He was such a jerk. Like, what had she ever done to him? The first day she had met him, he had looked at her and said, "You bear a vague and almost inconsequential resemblance to my ex-girlfriend, Kikyo. You will pay for your accursed genes with my wrath all through your soon-to-be miserable high school years. That'll teach you."
And so it had began. Sigh. Such a tragic tale. Apparently he and Kikyo had only gone out for like two days anyway... And he had only known her for a week beforehand. And a week after the break-up she'd moved to Bosnia. Kagome suspected her "special" treatment was more likely due to some deep emotional, traumatic and soul-scarring experience from when he was a child. That usually explained most things. And he may also have split-ends...
In any case, they were now in their senior year and she had put up with four years of humiliation, dirty pranks, the brunt of Inuyasha's hatred and the occasional piece of food between her teeth. Damn, she had a lot of willpower. But this year, starting today, she was determined to retaliate!
"Higurashi! You look like shit!" came Inuyasha's yell from across the room.
This was it. This was her big chance. "Y-yeah? W-well...you're a big meanie!" Kagome declared stubbornly. Everyone in the room burst into laughter, jeering and pointing at her.
But this did not deter Kagome. From then on, she was an absolute devil towards Inuyasha. She would brush him slightly as she past him in the hall...before he shoved her into a locker. She let out an inaudible sigh and rolled her eyes discreetly whenever his name was called or whenever he entered a class late. She called him hurtful names ("Poopie pants! Pea brain!") whenever he mocked her. She trashed his car...almost. Instead, she thought about it deviously. She sent him pretend love letters from random other girls in the school...and ended up getting him several dates.
He was feeling the hate.
And through this whole "war", Naraku kept shooting Kagome creepy looks. And acting creepy. Kagome suffered a chill down her spine whenever he walked past, leering at her. But surely he wouldn't do anything, right?
Meanwhile, Inuyasha had also noticed the looks Naraku was sending his favourite victim. And for some inexplicable reason, he became angry. He was the only one allowed to torture Kagome!
Anyways, things carried on like this for a good month or so. And then, out of the blue, something totally unexpected happened. As things out of the blue tend to go. Kagome was innocently walking home from school with egg in her hair, salami in her bra and paper maché paste in her pants when she was suddenly grabbed violently from the depths of a dark alley she was passing. A cloth permeated with a sweet scent was clamped over her nose and mouth and before too long, Kagome slumped into unconsciousness and was dragged into the alley with everyone on the busy street noticing, but no one really caring.
Meanwhile, everyone immediately noticed Kagome wasn't at school the next day. We'll ignore what Kagome's mother felt the night before when she didn't come home. We'll say she was a little worried, but didn't pay too much attention to it, and we'll leave it at that.
Now. As for school, everyone noticed that the school was just a little bit emptier without Kagome around. Their favourite scapegoat and torture victim wasn't with them and it hurt. Inside.
Inuyasha was particularly affected. For some reason, he was extra worried. The thought never crossed his mind that Kagome might have needed a day to get away from him and all the humiliation going to the same school with him brought her. Instead, he concluded there must be sinister forces at work here. Sinister forces that had captured his love.
Yes! His love! For somewhere along the road of blood, sweat, tears and assholery, Inuyasha had fallen madly in love with Kagome! And now he must venture forth and rescue his love from the unknown evil that had taken her away from him!
Using his STUPENDOUS deductive skills, Inuyasha realized that Naraku too was missing that day! Clearly, there was a connection. Evil leer boy Naraku! He must have been the one to kidnap Kagome!
And off Inuyasha dashed, missing the science test the next period completely, and yet somehow still managing to get an A. But don't worry, Kagome got the F she deserved.
Kagome groggily came to and noticed she was in a decrepit, mostly empty and bare garage. She was tied to a chair and a figure circled her menacingly. Blinking a few times and shaking her head to wake herself up more, she peered closer.
"Naraku?" she asked uncertainly.
"Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeesssssssssss?" a voice slithered, caressing the letters it spoke in a VERY creepy manner.
"Oh, um, nothing. Just checking," Kagome said nervously. After a few moments of just gazing around boredly and tapping her foot, her mind snapped back. "No, wait. Why am I here exactly? Where is here? And have you always talked like that?"
"You are here so I can kiiiiiiiiiiill you," Naraku said, advancing suddenly and grinning maniacally in her face.
"And you had to kidnap me to do that?"
"I couldn't kill you in broad dayliiiiiiight!"
"You kidnapped me in broad daylight!"
"That was diiiiiiifferent!"
"No, it wasn't! Shut up! And stop talking like that!"
Naraku flicked open a pocket knife and scraped it down Kagome cheek, drawing forth a line of blood. "Quiet, girl. I make up the rules around here! So you better start quivering and being deathly afraid!"
Kagome started quivering and being deathly afraid. "Wh-what are you going to do wi-with me?" she asked haltingly, a tear running down her cheek.
Naraku sighed. "I just told you! I'm going to kill you!"
"Oh...right..." Kagome responded in a defeated tone. Then she flared up. "You'll never get the chance! Inuyasha will come for me!"
There was a pause so the sheer improbability and impossibility of this statement could be digested. Then Naraku shrugged it off. "Inuyasha? Ha! Why the hell would he ever come for you? ...No, really. I have to know this. Why would you think he would come for you?"
"Because I'm the only one he loves to torture and humiliate...which means I'm special to him...which means we have a connection...! I LOVE INUYASHA!" Kagome gasped in shock and horror at her sudden revelation. Everyone reading was just as taken aback.
"Ha!" Naraku barked triumphantly. "Kikyo was right all along!"
Kagome snapped out of her daze and did a double take on Naraku. "...Kikyo? What has Inuyasha's ex-but-almost-never girlfriend have to do with any of this?"
Naraku struck a dramatic pose and clasped his hands in front of his heart. "It all started back in Bosnia..."
"You were in Bosnia?" Kagome interrupted.
"Yes," Naraku answered irritably.
"Before I moved here."
"You lived in Bosnia before you came here?"
"I never knew that! You should have mentioned something!" Kagome said, leaning forward as she got caught up in the conversation.
"I must have mentioned it sometime..." Naraku mused, pacing and tapping a finger to his chin.
Kagome shook her head. "Never."
"Huh..." Naraku trailed off, thinking. "How odd..."
After a moment of silence, Kagome spoke up again. "So...you were saying?"
"Ah, yes!" Naraku said, restriking his pose. "It all started back in Bosnia when a beautiful girl who vaguely resembles yourself moved there. We met and I instantly fell in love. She was so beautiful...so glamourous... Her name was Kikyo and–"
"I already figured that part out," Kagome interrupted.
"Fine!" Naraku snapped. "Kikyo was perfect in every way...but she didn't feel quite the same way about me. But I knew I just had to prove myself! And above all, I wanted to see her happy! So when she told me that she'd been spying on her ex-but-almost-never boyfriend long distance and–"
"Hold up!" Kagome cut in again. "Kikyo's been spying on Inuyasha? From Bosnia? We'll ignore how that's possible for the moment and just cut to why?"
"Because her heart is still captured by that foul barbarian!" Naraku exclaimed.
"Didn't they break up before she moved away?" Kagome asked.
"She broke it off early so there would not be greater pain in the future," Naraku lamented.
"Riiiiiiiight..." Kagome said, giving him a funny look. "Okay, say I buy all this. What the heck does it have to do with me?"
"You love Inuyasha!" Naraku declared emphatically while pointing an accusing finger at her. "Kikyo noticed this right away and hired me to take action!"
"Right away?" Kagome asked sceptically. "Inuyasha and I have known each other for four years now!"
Naraku gave her an incredulous look. "You have? ...Give me one minute..." He flicked open a cell phone, punched a few numbers in and waited a few moments before someone picked up on the other end. "Yeah, Kikyo? I've got Kagome here and she says she and Inuyasha have known each other for a good four years now, instead of having just met recently like we thought." There was a loud, indecipherable screeching sound for a few moments before it died down to a quiet buzz. After nodding for a minute, Naraku said, "Yeah, okay. I'll tell her." He clicked the phone shut and turned back to Kagome.
"Kikyo says to stop pointing out the discrepancies in the plot. And that I should kill you now to truly prove myself to her," Naraku told her smugly as he advanced on her with his knife.
"Damn," Kagome muttered. "I knew being smart would get me killed faster... But no! Alas! My precious Inuyasha will come for me! I know he will!"
Naraku paused in the middle of raising the knife. "Would you give that up already? He will NEVER come for you!"
Just as Naraku was swinging down the knife at a petrified and cringing Kagome, the back door to the garage was flung open and the silhouette of Inuyasha sprang forward. "Hi, does this happen to be the residence of Nara–hey, what are you doing here?"
Naraku glared at the new arrival, the knife point an inch from Kagome's face. "I live here, Asshole."
"Yeah, but I didn't think you'd be stupid enough to actually kidnap Kagome and keep her here. I thought you'd have her secreted away somewhere else and I'd only find a blindingly obvious clue to her location here," Inuyasha explained with a shrug.
"Since when did you become the authority on intelligence?" Naraku demanded.
Kagome wasn't about to let him off as easily, however. "Isn't this blindingly obvious enough? And besides, if you'd had one more detour to slow you down, I'd already be dead! So be thankful you're both on the same stupidity level, you moron!"
"This is what I get for coming to save you?" Inuyasha shouted angrily as he advanced inside the garage. "You yell at me and call me stupid? You retarded little ingrate!"
"You think I wanted your help, you idiotic jerk?" Kagome yelled back.
"Uh, if I may cut in and point out, Kagome, that not two minutes ago, you said–" Naraku was quickly drowned out.
"I've never wanted your help and by god, you've never offered it before! I even question what your true motives are this time! You're actually probably in on it with Naraku! That's it, isn't it?" Kagome senselessly went on.
"What the heck are you going on about now?" Inuyasha responded, his voice, if possible, even louder. "I come in here to save you and you yell at me, insult me AND question my motives?"
"Um...guys? I'm still here, ya know..." Naraku said, feebly trying to get their attention.
"Well, why would you come in here to save me?" Kagome shouted, tears of extreme emotion springing to her eyes. "You've never tried saving me before! In fact, you're always the one causing my pain and suffering! So why wouldn't I question your motives?"
Inuyasha swiped a hand down his face and let out an exasperated sigh. "Geez, can you BE any more annoying? This is why I've always hated you!"
"Well, I always thought I hated you too, but I've just come to realize I love you! Which I hate even more!" Kagome snapped in retaliation before her mouth clamped shut and her eyes widened.
Inuyasha stopped as he was about to launch into another witty comeback. "Y-you love me?"
Naraku coughed loudly and waved his knife around. "Heeelloo-oo! Guys, I am still here, you know!"
Tears were now coursing violently down Kagome's cheeks. "Y-yes! I love you! Oh so much and for absolutely no discernible reason!"
A sensitive blush sprang to Inuyasha Asshole's cheeks. "I...I love you too...Kagome..."
"Oh, Inuyasha!" Kagome cried, launching herself at him. Unfortunately, she was still tied to the chair and she ended up going nowhere except harshly down on her face in an awfully awkward position. Inuyasha rushed over to her to help her out...after lovingly pouring some rancid chocolate milk in her already egg-filled hair.
"Oh, I give up!" Naraku declared in exasperation, stabbing himself with the knife.
And so, all was well with the world again. Inuyasha and Kagome had realized their true feelings for each other which were OH SO obvious even at the beginning of the story; they had just need a little –cough– help. And Naraku had been thwarted...by himself.
But what about Kikyo? She's still at large...find out the next evil plot she unleashes to try and tear apart Inuyasha and Kagome unbreakable bond of love in...the sequel!
A/N (Super Ceech) And so concludes the first chapter of our new parody. And no...there will not be a sequel to this particular story. Sorry to disappoint. Next chapter will deal with a completely different set of circumstances. So stay tuned! We've got a lot of fun stuff planned for this thing!