A/N: this is my first Fullmetal Alchemist fic... hell, my first uploaded non-sci-fi fic. So please be nice, and review? Flamers will have the notorious bounty hunter Boba Fett hired to go after them, but constructive criticism is appreciated. I just got this random inspiration in one of my classes, and wrote it down.
Another thing... if anything doesn't make sense; it's probably inspired by 'Monty Python's Flying Circus'. Or sugar... or the boredom inspired by a LOOONG history test on the Great Depression... or the fact that I am in fact insane... erm... misunderstood... yeah, I'll shut up now. :)
Dogs of the Military
by Jade Rhade
Colonel Roy Mustang, the renowned Flame Alchemist, sat in his comfy chair behind his desk and used his foot to lazily spin himself in circles.
Boredom. Complete and utter boredom.
Paperwork sucks. Mustang spun himself faster. All he really wanted to do was set the whole desk on fire, and see everyone come running... watch the glorious plumes of fires rise up and consume the damned paperwork... the damned desk... hell, the whole damn office!
"Colonel?" Riza Hawkeye entered his office. "Sir, you have a-"
"I'm bored, Hawkeye," he complained, spinning his chair faster.
"Ummm, yes sir," Hawkeye agreed, rolling her eyes. "You have a-"
CRASH! Mustang's chair tipped over, unceremoniously dumping the Colonel on the floor.
Hawkeye blinked. "Should I just come back later, sir?"
Maybe it was the hit on the head and the loss of a few hundred brain cells, but Mustang began to think. He was forming a plan... an exceptionally devious plan... or maybe it was that he finally went insane. "Hawkeye...?" he asked slowly.
"Are the Elric brothers in the building?"
"I think so, sir."
"YES! I mean... good." Mustang went to stand but again hit his head, this time against the bottom of the desk. "Ow! Shit!" Military psychologists would later pinpoint this as the exact moment when Roy Mustang lost what few brain cells he had left after the first knock on the head and abandoned the last shreds of his sanity on the side of an old dirt road. They were then picked up by an old lady, who thought they might taste good. The ensuing eating of the sanity left Mustang with no hope of ever getting it back. Poor Colonel Mustang.
"Sir?" Hawkeye waved her hand in front of the blankly staring Colonel, who had just seen his sanity eaten by an old woman.
Mustang leaped across the desk and swept Hawkeye into a passionate kiss.
Riza's eyes widened, and she took a step back. "Colonel!"
"Roy," Mustang whispered in her ear, then took off at a sprint down the hall.
Hawkeye was left standing in Mustang's office, with one thought running through her mind; What the fuck? "And men say we're confusing," she muttered under her breath, shaking her head.
The Elric brothers were minding their own business, walking down a random hall, being bored out of their minds.
They had no idea the calamity that was about to befall them.
"Fullmetal!" they heard Mustang yell.
The two turned. "Hey, Mustang," Ed replied nonchalantly, showing his complete disregard for authority.
Mustang didn't bother to correct the younger Alchemist to address him by his rank. "Elric, I need you to do something for me."
The Elric brothers froze. "What?" Al asked timidly.
"I-want-sugar," Mustang said slowly, as if he were speaking to a small child.
"Umm..." Al looked as confused as it was possible for a suit of armor to look. "Why?"
"I have a plan... And if it doesn't work I can blame it on you, Elric." Mustang was practically bouncing in malicious glee.
"Okay, we'll do it," Ed said, slowly backing away.
Mustang laughed evilly and dashed away down the hall, and it was then that the Elric brothers noticed that he was only wearing his socks. "WHEEE!" he cried, skidding around a corner.
"I know, Al. I'm kinda afraid too."
"Should we get him what he asked for?"
"Yes!" Ed grinned. "As long as he's on this... whatever it is he's on... he can't order me around!"
"It's all about you, isn't it, Brother?"
"Me and my sanity, Al. If Mustang drives me insane, who's going to find the Stone and get your old body back?"
Al nodded. "Okay, Brother, but you're already insane." He started running. "And short!" he shouted over his shoulder.
Ed's eyes narrowed and he sprang after. "WHO'RE YOU CALLING SHORT YOU GIANT HUNK OF TIN!"
Alphonse giggled. Maybe this whole 'State Alchemist' gig wasn't so bad. He could run for hours around the whole building, while Edward would quickly tire. Heehee.
"FULLMETAL!" he suddenly heard a female voice shout, and Al screeched (literally) to a halt.
"WHAT ELSE ARE YOU GONNA SAY, HUH?" Edward jumped up and grabbed the ribbon dangling from the top of Alphonse's helmet and tried to rip it off. The whole head came off instead.
"HA! LOOK AT YOUR HEAD!" Ed used the ribbon to whip the helmet around. "ARE YOU GETTING DIZZY, YOU OVERGROWN METAL PIECE OF-"
A gunshot rang through the air, and Ed froze. Unfortunately, the helmet did not. Its momentum spun him around and he fell straight on his ass. The helmet flew into the air and landed snuggly over Edward's head.
Al started to laugh. He couldn't help it.
"With respect, would you two SHUT UP AND LISTEN TO ME!" In the sudden silence, they heard the ominous sound of a pistol being cocked.
The Elric brothers froze for the second time to see a severely irritated Hawkeye. Her pistol was smoking, and she had it ready for another shot.
Al burst out laughing again. Seeing your head on your brother's body tends to do that to a person and override all better judgement. Better judgement being that when a woman with a gun threatened one to be silent, it was best to do as she said.
Hawkeye was rapidly moving from simply irritated to extremely pissed off. The calm coolness was a thing of the past, today. She always got touchy when her Colonel started to do strange things that defied explanation. "ALPHONSE ELRIC, TAKE YOUR HEAD OFF YOUR BROTHER!"
Al jumped. "I'm sorry, Lieutenant." He meekly removed the helmet and set it back where it belonged.
Ed's eyes were huge. "You shot at us!"
"Brilliant deduction, Fullmetal," Hawkeye answered sarcastically.
Ed decided to take it at face value. "I try."
"What's wrong with Colonel Mustang?" Riza asked, slightly hoarse from all the yelling.
Ed shrugged. "Damned if I know."
"What did he want?"
"Sugar," Al responded as if it were the most natural thing in the world.
"You heard us," Edward said. "Mustang wants sugar."
They turned to see Mustang flying toward them in his big, comfy, wheeled chair. "What the-" Ed started as the chair whizzed by them.
"Umm sir, those are-"
"Stairs," Alphonse finished lamely. They rushed over to see what had happened.
"Oh my God..." Riza breathed. The chair was broken, the wheels still spinning. There was no sound or movement coming from the limp body of the Colonel. She dropped her pistol and ran down the stairs. "Sir? Sir! Dammit, Roy Mustang, talk to me!"
The two Elrics looked at each other, and the next sound was: "Urrggh! YOU ARE SO IMMATURE! SIR! I HATE YOU! SIR!" and Riza came stomping back up the stairs muttering to herself. She picked up her pistol and looked at the brothers as if daring them to say something.
Edward edged away to stand behind Al, and Al put his hands up in surrender. Hawkeye stomped away.
The two cautiously peeked around the corner of the stairwell to see Mustang lying with his hands behind his head, staring dreamily at the ceiling. "God, she's hot," he said.
"I HEARD THAT, COLONEL!" Hawkeye shouted.
"What'd you do to her?" Ed asked.
Mustang grinned his huge idiot's grin. "Nothing..."
Hawkeye returned... wielding an Uzi in each hand!
Roy yelped and scrambled up the stairs. He pulled off Al's helmet and stuffed himself inside Al's body. "If you tell her where I am, I can promise hours of paperwork for both of you!" he threatened before disappearing inside the armor.
"Elrics! Where is that-" several moments of profanity followed, "Colonel!"
"Uhhh, I don't know," Ed lied, the threat of endless paperwork hanging over his head. Being shot wasn't nearly as painful as paperwork... and if all else failed, he could hide inside Al too.
Hawkeye looked at the suspiciously. "Alphonse, why are you vibrating?"
"Uhhh... kitty!" Al took off.
"Al!" Ed ran after.
"I'M NOT DONE WITH YOU TWO YET!"
"Stop shaking," Al told Mustang. "You're going to get us shot!"
Mustang popped Al's head off. "Is she still following?"
"No. Can I have my head back?"
Mustang jumped out of Al's body and dashed away.
"You're welcome!" Ed shouted sarcastically. "Prick."
Predictably, Hawkeye ran up soon after. "Where did he go?" she demanded icily.
Edward looked at the Uzis, then smiled evilly. "That way," he said, pointing the way the Colonel had gone.
"That was mean, Brother," Al said as Hawkeye sprinted down the hall.
Ed looked very pleased with himself. "Uh-huh."
They heard the guns clatter to the floor without a shot being fired. The older brother again found himself peeking cautiously around a corner into the lobby of Headquarters, and his eyes widened.
"What's going on? Let me see!" Al looked over Ed's shoulder. "Oh," he said, more subdued. "Brother, are they-"
The Elrics retreated hastily.
Jean Havoc was on his way outside the building to have a smoke without offending everyone around him when he came across Mustang and Hawkeye. Contrary to what the Elrics had assumed, the two were not having sex. (Alchemists... minds in the gutter, all of them.) They were making out in the lobby with a pair of Uzis at their feet. How the secretary at the welcoming desk had not noticed this was a mystery in and of itself.
Havoc looked at the pack of cigarettes, then at the door leading back into the main part of the building. He decided to make his way around and find a side door rather than disturb the two, who were definitely... busy. A wise choice, considering that it would have been a toss up between the Flame Alchemist and the weapons expert over who would have killed him first.
Too bad the young boy with the long black hair standing outside the door didn't make the same decision Havoc did.
Poor, poor Wrath.
A/N: this is my first FMA fic, reviews would be appreciated. Thanks, y'all! I DO realize that Hawkeye is a tad OOC, but work with me here! I've seen nine total episodes, and have read one, count it, one manga. Cut me a break!