A/N: PLEASE DON'T EAT ME! I realize this hasn't been updated in quite a while, and I have no excuse. Well, no, actually I have several lined up because I am quite good at excuses. The one I'm giving to you is actually a valid one: I've been working on my serious FMA fic, Undercover Alchemist, which I am having so much fun with right now. I will use my Jedi Mind Powers to force you to go read it. Read. READ... YOU WILL READ...
Wrath: :Slaps Jade with a fish: "LOOKIE! I LEARNED THE FISH-SLAPPING DANCE! AND YOU CAN'T HURT ME BECAUSE I'M THE MAIN CHARACTER IN THIS CHAPTER! HA-HAHAHAHAHA!"
Disclaimer: I don't own the Saturday Night Live skit 'El Niño'... I don't remember who does it, but that's where the inspiration for Wrath's speech comes from.
Now, you may very well ask how Wrath managed to get the entire Military HQ under his control in one day. Actually, he finished before lunchtime, so it technically took less than a day. Using the Infernal Sugar Cookie of Doom (as Jean Havoc had christened it), nearly all of the Central Command staff were under Wrath's control... even though Wrath really had no control over himself, with his ADD-ness being further emphasized by his ingestion of the Infernal Cookie of Doom (or ICoD). Now, there were some brave souls who had escaped the ICoD; there were not many, but there were some.
Riza Hawkeye the Deadly
Alphonse Elric the Invincible
Denny Bloch the Determined
andJean Havoc the Title-less
And it was up to these two men, one boy, and one woman to reclaim the entire building back from the Grand High Army under the control of the one they called... El Niño.
Wrath's army met in the Mess Hall because it was the only indoor area big enough to house them all. Since Wrath was so small compared to the others, he stood on a table to make himself visible. He stood with his arms crossed, surveying his loyal followers. Master Sergeant Kain Fuery stood on his left, Second Lieutenant Maria Ross on his right, with Colonel Roy Mustang standing directly behind. Under an executive order from Wrath (but probably at the request of Roy Mustang), all the female members of Wrath's followers had to take off their Military jackets if they were wearing something underneath. Therefore, Maria was standing on the table next to Wrath in a skintight white tank top with her arms crossed, glaring at any man who was looking at her instead of their esteemed leader.
Wrath raised his arms for silence, and his soldiers quieted until the room was completely... well, silent. "I have a message!" he bellowed.
"All hail Wrath!" Maria shouted, and the multitude below echoed it.
"ALL HAIL WRATH!"
Wrath again raised his arms for silence. "After much serious thought, I proclaim myself... El Niño!"
"Oooooh," said the crowd.
"For those of you who don't hablan Español, El Niño is Spanish for..."
As one, the crowd leaned in at the dramatic pause to hear him better.
Actually, the reason for the dramatic pause was because Wrath didn't know what 'El Niño' was in Spanish. He could not let his loyal followers down, however! "... THE NIÑO!"
"All hail El Niño!" Kain shouted.
"ALL HAIL THE NIÑO!"
"Okay, enough of that. Lunchtime!" Wrath jumped off the table as his troops cheered.
"ALL HAIL LUNCHTIME!" Roy shouted.
Out in the hall, Riza put her head in her hands. "Smooth, sir," she whispered. She looked at the other members of her own mini army, seeing Havoc and Bloch engaged in what seemed to be a serious, animated discussion. Though she couldn't hear what they were saying, the way their voices were hushed made it obvious whatever they were discussing was of incredible importance. "Where's Alphonse?" she asked them.
"Dunno," Jean looked concerned.
"I'll go find him." Riza stood. "You two stay here, and keep out of sight."
The two lower officers saluted, and as soon as Riza Hawkeye walked away they continued their conversation... which was about Maria Ross.
"I never realized how hot she was! I mean did you see her on that table in that shirt?"
"Denny, you've never noticed her before?"
And you've been working alongside her for how long?"
"Well, ask her out already!"
"But she's been taken over by the Infernal Cookie of Doom," Denny whispered as if those four words could conjure up Wrath and his ICoDs.
"Perfect!" Jean hissed, eyes glowing. "You can be the one to save her, and she'll be eternally in your debt!"
"Let's go now!"
"No, you idiot!" he grabbed the sergeant by the arm to keep him from charging headlong into the cafeteria. "You must wait for the opportune moment."
"Well, when's that?"
"When she's alone."
"Ohhh." The two men grinned at each other.
"Alphonse!" Riza hissed. Her pistol was out, a rather extreme measure, but she had no desire to be captured by any sugar-crazed Wrath-follower. "Alphonse Elric, where are you!" She looked around warily; eyes open for any other Military officer.
"I'm right here!" came the boy's voice from a closet. "Look what I found!" If he could have, there would have been a giant grin across his face as he poked his head out.
"What did you find, Alphonse?"
"You found kittens in a closet?"
"I think Master Sergeant Fuery was taking care of them, look!" Al opened his chest plate to reveal four kittens clinging inside, mewing; a white one, a black one, a calico, and one that was black and white. "Here!" He picked up the black one and dropped it in her arms.
"Alphonse!" She frantically moved the kitten to one arm and holstered her pistol, because it would be just her luck if the thing went off and brought down the entirety of Wrath's Grand High Army. In spite of herself, she found that the kitten was cute, and her eyes melted in a very un-Hawkeye-like way. "Kitty," she whispered, stroking it softly and hearing it purr. It rubbed its head up against the side of her face. "Oh, you're friendly, aren't you?" she said, cuddling it. "My Braha would eat you, wouldn't he, yes he would."
"Umm, Lieutenant, maybe I should take her back..." Al held out his hand nervously.
Riza clutched it to her chest possessively. "Mine!"
"You're acting rather strange, Lieutenant..."
"You're not taking her from me! Mine!"
"Hayate needs a friend," she said defensively.
"But you said he would eat her!"
"I lied." Riza put her hand on the butt of her pistol. "My kitty," she growled, glaring at the poor suit of armor.
"Uh, okay, you can keep her!" Alphonse waved his hands. "Brother wouldn't let me keep her, anyway." His shoulders slumped.
"Well, let us go find young Elric and teach him the meaning of cuteness!" Riza announced in a deep, booming, Alex Louis Armstrong voice, and just like that she ripped off her Military jacket, revealing her brown tee shirt, and posed.
Al sweatdropped. "Uh, no, I think Ed's okay, really!"
"We must collect Havoc and Bloch," Riza said, returning to her normal voice. "Bring the kittens and the box."
"Yes ma'am!" Al took the kittens out of his armor and put them in the box he'd found them and picked it up.
They were an imposing pair: Alphonse Elric, the giant suit of armor carrying a box of kittens, and Riza Hawkeye, with a pistol in one hand and cradling a kitten in the other. In the spirit of the moment, someone turned the fans on high, blowing Riza's hair back dramatically, with Alphonse's ribbon snapping in the wind.
A/N: Random, not funny, BUT HEY! IT'S AN UPDATE! I'm sorry, I'm sorry! Please don't eat me!
Gluttony: "Can I eat her?"
Lust: "No, she'll cause indigestion."
Wrath: :pouts: "Why are the other Homunculi here? I DON'T WANT THEM HERE!" :throws tantrum:
Please review nicely?