Disclaimer: Don't own Fushigi Yuugi or the Doors' songs "Love Her Madly", "Hello, I Love You" and "Woman is a Devil" which inspired this fic.

Warnings: Sap, language, ANGST! 'grins' Takes place after OVA 2 episode 5, Tasuki's thoughts. (Run people, when Tasuki thinks... you need a bomb shelter! just kiddin'.)


'She's a goddamn devil! Make you fall for her then walks out of your life like it ain't nothin', s'no fuckin' wonder I hate women! They don't play fair, they lie and when things don't go their way they fuckin' cry!'

My fuckin' head hurt thinkin' about her, but she had dug herself a hole in my heart and she wasn't fuckin' leavin'. It was insane! No one should have ta love someone to th' point of pain!

I hated her for makin' me love her so much. It's not fair! I love Tama like a brother but I hate him because he has her. Hell all the seishi, and a few who weren't Suzaku seishi like Kouji and Amiboshi, loved her but we were pushed away in favor of 'Tama-chan'.

The day we left for Hokkan we'd all been talkin' 'bout her and how unfair it was that she commanded our love and didn't return it the same way. Even Nuriko admitted that he loved her but wasn't gonna do a damn thing about it since she wanted Tama!

It fuckin' pisses me off that no matter how much everyone loved her she couldn't see us for the bright and shinin' Tama-fuckin'-home!

Of all of us, other than Tama, I loved her most. As soon as I laid eyes on her it was love. I had ta bite my tongue ta keep from blurtin' out "Hello, I love ya. What's yer name?".

'Don't ya love her madly? Don't ya need her badly? Don't ya love her as she's walkin' out on ya with him?' My mind's even workin' against me! Tauntin' me with how deeply I need her.

One memory a her that I regret and cherish has ta be the night at th' inn. I had her! She was gonna be mine, but Tama... Taka came an' took her away again. I dream about that night still; how fuckin' perfect she fit against me, how goddamn delicious her mouth tasted, and how beautiful she was even when I made her cry.

That was my regret; I made her cry. She couldn't let herself love me and she fuckin' cried when I touched her, flinched when I kissed her, then turned around and cried when I tried ta make things right.

She wanted me ta suffer all alone, without her. That's why she made them save me; it had ta be outta spite, that I dared lay a hand on her in anythin' other than friendship or brotherly love.

I glance around at the tavern I've been stewin' in. Rotted floor boards, dingy walls, filthy whores and drunks in all stages of inebriation. Perfect place fer a bastard like me.

'Chiri abandoned me after she went back home with Taka, and I couldn't bring myself ta go back ta Reikaku. I broke our primary rule: never harm women an' children. I didn't deserve ta be leader anymore, I was what I hated most: a rapist.

May not have actually got that far but, if Tama hadn't gotten there I woulda done it.

I woulda done it and enjoyed every moment a bein' inside her. 'Don't ya love her madly? Don't ya need her badly? Don't ya love her as she's walkin' out on ya with him?'

'Yeah. I fuckin' need her, love her, want her, crave her! She's a fuckin' poison in my blood and possessin' her completely is th' only goddamned way ta keep livin'.'

I snatched my bottle a sake from th' table and tossed some okane at th' barkeep, I got th' fuck outta there. I had ta find a way ta get her outta my head, outta my blood, outta my heart... once an' fer all.

That's how I ended up here.

I stare down at th' river, knowin' that I only got a few minutes left till someone fuckin' shows up an tries ta stop me.

"I love ya Miaka, but I can't keep livin' this way. Ya took my fuckin' soul with ya when ya left; now I got nothin'. Best ta make it quick, hope ya don't hate me fer takin' th' easy way out."

I jumped.

'Heh, dyin' ain't so bad. At least now, it won't hurt no more.'


Thanks for reading.