Memoir of a Phan
What would one call the story of a Phan? Who in their mind, lives in fiction, but belongs to this world? Would it be a memoir? Or just another Fanfic? Would it be truth? Or some wild imagination? Would any one read it? Or would they pass it over? Does it disserve there time? Would any one care to hear my story? Probably not. Who would want to hear the story of a shy, ugly girl? I have not done anything great, my name won't be remembered. I am nothing to this world, and this world is nothing to me. I have lived my life in my own reality, condemning myself to it. I have guaranteed a future of pain, a lifetime of sorrow, a life time of heartache. I don't regret it, I will never regret it.
I sit here, hidden to the world in my one little sanctuary, the small, thrown together basement of my home. It's mine, just mine, the place I call my own, My Batcave as it has come to be called among my minimal friends. I sit here weeping tears of both sorrow and joy, hating and loving myself. I have come to realize one important thing about the life we live, we all strive for love, but for some us, and it will be forever in vain. Some of us are not meant to be happy, not meant to find our happily ever after.
Out in the world, my closest friend is getting her happiness. She has broken away from this curse life. She has realized what I have before it is too late. She took her heart back, giving it up to the real world, not some unattainable man, as I have. She knows we will never get our Erik, the man we live for, she has accepted that, and moved on, finding her self with another man, a real man.
I sit here, thinking of her, envying her, knowing I shall never be like her. I can't go back to that world, not after I have tasted this life. I could never turn from Erik, even though he will never come for me. Instead, I have chosen this life, a life of solitude, a life of loneliness, a life he once lived.
I have forced this pain on myself, as he does, knowing he will never come for me, because I am his. I know Erik all to well, I think like him, I have become just like him, in my search for him. He is just in love with hurting himself emotionally as I am, that's why he will never have me, because he can. I would give myself to him in a heart beat, leaving this world behind, to join my Erik. He wants what he will never have, as I want him, knowing I can never have him.
My friend says he will surely come for me, Never has anyone loved him so, but I know the truth, he wants her. He wants her because she turned from him, as his Christine once did. He wants her because she belongs to the world he will never belong to. She denies what I have told you, claiming he would want some one like me, someone completely devoted, someone waiting for him. But why would he want someone like himself? If it was himself that he hated the most? Why would he want an outcast? A girl the world looks down upon? As they did to him?
We have strange habits, Erik and I. We both want what we can't have. I can't have him, and he can't have my friend, but we will pursue our wishes, till it kills us, and it surely will.
I know what I have set myself up for; I know what lies ahead for me. My only hope for the future is they will change. If a falling star shot across the sky in front of me now, I tell you what I would wish for, his happiness. I want him to get my friend, I want the two of them to be happy together, and they matter most. I will always weep on his behalf, for it will always cause me pain, but I will never pray for his love, because he wouldn't want me, and I don't disserve him, But I shall continue to love him, till the end of time.
I am a phan, and this is my curse, this is my gift.