Light Up

Rating: R (T)

Summary: With those last words he stepped into the time machine and Rose watched stunned, her vision blurred due to her tears as the police box disappeared into space and time. From that instant she began to bury everything that reminded her of the doctor.

Disclaimer: I do not own any of these characters, just trying to tell an interesting story.

They were fading.

As much as she had tried to burry them in the deepest confines of her mind, they were starting to disintegrate and there was nothing she could do about it.

She couldn't fight for them; refuse to let them fade away like the dying of a bright light that glowed within her. Not now, not ever. Too much had happened, too much pain came about because of those retched memories but at the same time they were a part of her.

Rose had never denied who she had been, the wonders she had seen and the man she had loved with all her being, that following him faithfully through time and space had paled next to his majestic blue eyes and charming smile.

But that had been then and this was now. No adventures, no running off to wherever she fancied and most importantly – no Doctor.

His name alone would cause her heart to sink miserably, although she did have those rare moments when she would allow them to resurface, but only the happy ones. It hurt enough when they were buried; she couldn't take the full sting of everything out in the open. Her wounds were internal and extremely raw still, even though she tried to convince herself otherwise.

In the end, when she no longer cared and all the barriers came crumbling down, the pain would filter through once again – it hurt, she hurt and deep down she hated him just the tiniest bit for it.

Now that they were beginning to fade she felt as if she was being robbed of something that was hers and hers only…her pain. Perhaps it was time to salvage what little remained even though it meant letting in the bad as well.

In a week she would be thirty years old, which meant that it would soon be ten years since he had returned her to London. Rose hadn't thought about it in a long time but if she closed her eyes long enough she could once more transport herself back to that night.

They hadn't gotten into quite a mess during a routine stop on a distant planet, quickly everything had gone array the minute they had returned to the Tardis. She had been infected with some sort of alien flu, the Doctor had been immune to it but unfortunately she had no such luck.

It had begun as a steady flu but slowly it began to built up, instead of getting better she was worst with each passing day. It finally got to a point where not even the Doctor knew what to do. He would hold her endlessness nights as she drifted in and out of consciousness.

Desperate to see her better he had taken her back to London and straight to the nearest hospital. Perhaps it had been something in the earth's atmosphere but the minute her lungs had taken in the earthly air she began to grow better. He watched her quickly bounce back to her normal, a look of relief and something else she couldn't quite make out.

Mickey and Jackie had also been by her side, they all had seemed so worry about her. Finally the time came to be discharged from the hospital, she had expected to go back on board to continue their journey but the Doctor had other plans.

"What do you mean I can't go?" she asked him confused, tears starting to form in her brown eyes.

"I'm sorry Rose but I can't let you come back, seeing you like that, about to die and not being able to do anything about it….I can't let that happen ever again, I can't take you with me" his voice broke at the end, she could tell it was tearing him up but she had to somehow convince him to take her along.

"Doctor no" she was caught off by his lips on her, once she got over the initial shock of him kissing her she responded back with all the passion in her being. His kiss was hard and demanding but at the same time full of so much care. She could feel his body against hers, his breathing labored as he pressed her almost painfully to him.

Moving apart due to the lack of oxygen they both stared at each other, misery reflected on both their gazes. Tears began to fall down her face as he watched helplessly.

"Doctor" she whispered, for the first time remembering that her mum and Mickey were still watching. "You can't leave me…not now, not after everything that's happened, all we've seen, all we've felt" she touched his lips with her fingertips.

Kissing her hand he closed his eyes and then brought it once more to her side. Backing away he held her gaze the entire time. Once at the Tardis doors he brought his arms up and dropped them in a sign of defeat.

"I'm sorry Rose, I never wanted it to be like this but I love you too much. I do, don't ever doubt that, I'll always love you, even after this body is gone you'll always be in my heart".

With those last words he stepped into the time machine and Rose watched stunned, her vision blurred due to her tears as the police box disappeared into space and time. From that instant she began to bury everything that reminded her of the doctor.

Now, even that was a memory in danger of extermination. Bringing her arms around herself she sat down and watched the city lights shining bright, smiling to herself she knew that had been impossible – forgetting the Doctor was something she could never do since he had become a part of her. They would forever be intertwined no matter how far away he was. Looking past the city lights she focused on the sky.

Somewhere up there he was. Anyone of those stars could be him and oddly enough it made her feel a bit better, but only a bit.

Ten years ago

Rose stepped into her room, not bothering to turn on the lights she just made her way over to her room and crashed on the bed. She still felt numb, all that had happened in the last twenties minutes had left her absolutely drained.

Moving her hands she touched something solid. Looking to the side she could see a round object on her bed. Reaching over to her bedside table she turned on a small lamp. Picking up the foreign object it suddenly opened up and a light shone out and straight up.

Floating away from her the ball stopped in the middle of the room and settled onto the floor. Within seconds Rose found herself looking at the Doctor once more, or at least a hologram of him.

"Right then, Rose I'm sorry, but I had to do this. It's for your own good trust me, I wouldn't have done it other wise – I've always been a tad bit selfish when it came to you." The hologram looked directly at her, his eyes pleading with her to understand. She could tell it was a prerecorded message but it still made her want to cry, she felt as if she was reliving the entire scene from earlier.

The hologram sighed but kept on going. "I've struggle with how to do this, but if you're seeing this now, it means I must of have done it. You deserve the best Rose and this is the best I can do for you – "

Rose felt like kicking him! What was best for her! The only thing she wanted was to be with him once more, by his side where she belonged. Not stuck here in this common existence, perhaps before it would of has suited her just fine but not now, she had seen too much to be held here.

"I love you Rose Tyler" he declared simply and even as a sketchy blue hologram she could still feel the effect of his piercing blue eyes on her.

Sitting back on the bed she began to cry once more, but not because she had been left behind, although it did hurt, now she cried for something else. The chance of loving this man and being loved by him was now completely out of her reach. He had chosen for her and deep down that's what hurt the most.

"I want you to promise me that you'll have a nice life and remember that I'll always be up there somewhere thinking of you. You're a part of me now." With those last words the hologram switched off, the round ball closed up and gently landed itself on the floor.

Rose could only stare at it. Picking it up she placed it on her bed and sat down next to it. Closing her eyes the tears resumed once more. She wondered to herself when the tears would finally end, or would they ever?

To Be Continued

Let me know if you guys like it. I really want to make this a 3 or 4 chapter story and of course feedback is very much welcomed, I'm writing for you guys, the fans.