And so our heroes made it to The Nanman territory, where representatives of the three kingdoms made their obeisance and met each other with utmost respect.
"I'm gonna drink you under the table!" Sun Quan growled, tripping over his four feet as he ambled over to Zhang Fei, his cheeks blushing a drunken red beneath his fur.
"You're on!" Zhang Fei snapped, jumping up and attempting to bang his fists on the table in an aggressive display but instead ended up losing balance and falling flat on his face.
Quan growled, grabbing Fei and dragging him under the table.
Zhou Tai sipped his drink quietly, Guan Yu next to him, watching the tablecloth rustle and odd sounds emanate from the underside of the table.
After a few minutes, a frightened Zhang Fei emerged, twitching with horror. Soon after, Quan emerged, wiping his mouth and walking off triumphantly.
Guan sighed, trotting over to his brother.
"Are you alright Fei?" Guan asked.
Fei shivered. "I feel dirty…" He muttered.
Most of the time Sun Jian sat shivering in the corner, while the two Qiao's, Xing Cai and Yue Ying made jokes about him behind his back.
Guan Ping had found a fun past time which involved setting fire to Lu Meng's tail, shouting at the top of his voice "Wu isn't the only one who can launch a fire attack!" then running and hiding behind the chair, giggling like a schoolgirl.
Any sensible person would have learned by now, but Lu Meng had allowed this to happen eight times and didn't have much of a tail left.
Zuo Ci had appeared at one point, he too, being a dog and took the council.
So the council consisted of Zuo Ci, Cao Cao, Liu Bei and Sun Ce.
"So, this is a dire situation, what suggestions have you?" Cao Cao asked.
Liu Bei ignored him, as his time was carefully allotted to Zhao Yun, playing fetch, watching him chase his tail, and other wholesome activities.
"There's a good boy Zhao, now, roll over!" Liu grinned.
"Erm… I think we need to turn back into humans." Sun Ce said.
Cao Cao sighed at the ignorance of his comrades. "Yes… that is the point… so what should we do?" Cao asked.
"I say we do nothing!" Zhen Ji said.
"What?" Cao gasped.
He turned around to see Zhen, leading his son on a leash, Cao Pi looking even more angry and homicidal than ever.
"I say do nothing, I like my husband like this, he is easy to control!" Zhen laughed.
"I'm the man I give the orders!" Pi muttered.
"BAD DOG!" Zhen said hitting him in the nose with a rolled up newspaper.
Cao Pi whimpered.
Zuo Ci looked puzzled. "Zhen, may I ask from where did you obtain that leash and newspaper?"
"Oh, the Nanman have a shop over there." Zhen said pointing to a badly painted sign stating "Meng Huo's furry thong and Jungle jazz emporium, (over 16s only)"
"Did you not think that perhaps the store would sell something that might aid your dilemma?" Zuo asked.
"No, not really, I just wanted things for me and my husband to play with." Zhen said producing a whip from her bag. "Come along my dear, we are going to play the 'lovesick officer and cute new recruit' game!" Zhen continued dragging her husband along.
"Please kill me!" Cao Pi's last words echoed through the emptiness.
So Zuo Ci ambled over to the store to see if he could find anything to get his favourite idiotic mortals out of trouble.
He found that a few officers were at the store already.
Xiahou Yuan and Xu Huang were inspecting a vial of odd purple liquid and laughing.
"Oh man, do you remember this stuff?" Xu laughed.
"Yeah, the 'purple!' That's the stuff that Zhang He took isn't it!" Xiahou Yuan snickered.
"And he danced for three and a half hours…" Xu said
"With an invisible butterfly!" Yuan continued
"He kept saying, 'oh, my queen'… Snigger" Xu laughed.
"Hey, Zuo Ci!" Sun Shang Xiang's voice interrupted the riveting conversation.
Zuo turned, seeing Shang Xiang's inane grin. She clutched in her paws a copy of 'romance of the three kingdoms' the novel.
"Hey Zuo Ci, I've read this book cover to cover and you are not in it anywhere!" Shang Xiang said.
Zuo looked worried. "No, I'm in there…" He said looking around hurriedly.
"I wouldn't get so worried Zuo!" Ling Tong's voice called. "When she says she has read it cover to cover, she means she skipped all the chapters that don't have Zhang Liao in them" Ling finished.
Shang Xiang started to drool
"Oh Zhang Liao… someday you will be mine!" She dribbled.
Back to the point…
Cao Cao was as much trying to delegate with his fellow kingdom's representatives as he was trying to make sense of their irrational babblings.
As Cao was just about to kill himself, a messenger arrived announcing the arrival of Lu Bu.
This threw the forces into panic, many choosing to get very drunk.
But when the mighty Lu Bu approached, tripping over his robes and nibbling on his flea-ridden fur, they relaxed.
Cao Cao laughed in his face. "Ah, so the mighty Lu Bu has come running to me for help has he?" Cao laughed.
Lu Bu was embarrassed. "Well, yes… I got kicked out of my castle." Lu said shuffling his feet and looking at the floor.
"Oh, and by whom?" Cao said, wanting to milk this moment for everything it was worth.
"I… I got dirt on Zhang Liao's new Rug…" Lu Bu muttered.
Cao stopped laughing and stopped dead. He called up his officers and ordered them attack Lu Bu's castle.
"Send the whole eighty legions to Lu Bu's castle!" Cao said.
"But sir, its not…" Cao Ren said, but was interrupted by gloating.
So Cao set out, leading Eighty Legions of men…. Erm… dogs and soon reached Lu Bu's castle. His men…beasts quickly surrounded the castle.
"Zhang Liao you rustic bumpkin, come out and right this atrocity!" Cao shouted.
Zhang Liao heard the commotion and came to his window, walking out onto the balcony and looking down upon the men below.
"Oh, Cao Cao, what do you want?" Liao yawned.
"Return us to our human forms you yellow turban freak!" Cao said.
Liao laughed. "Does this look like a yellow turban to you?" Liao said pointing to his chalk blue hat.
"Ermmm…." Cao said.
"Exactly, now if you don't mind, I have some kibbles and a bowl of stale water that need my attention." Liao said turning his back.
"So… he isn't the yellow turban then…" Cao Cao said.
His men nodded.
"Nope, that's Zhang JIAO." Sun Shang Xiang said appearing from nowhere.
"Then who is this joker?" Cao asked.
"Zhang Liao." Shang Xiang said.
"He is…" Cao asked.
Shang Xiang picked up her copy of 'romance of the three kingdoms' and flipped through the pages.
"At some point he joins you and becomes the prime defender of Hefei." She said.
"Oh I remember him!" Cao said, then paused.
"So I just sent eighty legions against the rug guy?" Cao cried.
"Yip, pretty stupid huh?" Shang Xiang laughed.
Cao blushed but suddenly noticed something. "Shang Xiang, what are you doing here?" Cao asked.
"Oh, I'm here to abduct Zhang Liao to be my love slave." Xiang said.
"And how do you intend on doing that?" Cao asked.
"With this kit I got from the Nanman store, it was only 10 Yuan's!" She said holding up a bondage kit then, giggling inanely, ran into the castle.
Sounds of screaming and general unknown and painful sounding noises emanated from the castle walls.
Cao smiled. "This was so worth the walk!"
ooh, that's all you get for now, next chapter soon!