Timeline: Quite possibly AU. I never actually read the book where Dawn chose to go back to California, so this may be a little off.
A/N: My second Kristy fic, out of two BSC one. You'd never know I don't like her.
Beta: Insane Vampiress
Disclaimer: Not mine. I play with other people's toys.

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Kristy knows Mary Anne is hurting right now. She knows that in their own way, every member of the BSC is upset that Dawn left. The thing is, they understand that her going back to California had nothing to do with them, but they still sympathize with Mary Anne, because she and Dawn were stepsisters.

She knows it's not fair for her to completely ignore Mary Anne when her best friend needs her most. She knows Mary Anne thinks she's mad at her, and just won't tell her why. And it couldn't have been more obvious that the rest of the Club thinks she's just started to get "that time of the month" and that they think that's what's causing her to act like an unfeeling witch.

So maybe she's being selfish, shutting everybody out without telling them why. But Kristy knows they wouldn't understand. She knows it in a way that makes her want to close herself off from the rest of her life, in a way that makes her cry herself to sleep, and wish she could either stop feeling the way she does or have been able to say it when she had the chance.

And that's the difference between Mary Anne feeling guilty for Dawn leaving and Kristy knowing it's her fault she left. Because Dawn said something totally unexpected and instead of saying it back like she wanted, her brain froze up and all she could think of was Charlie and Sam making 'fag' jokes. Instead of hugging her girlfriend and saying 'I love you' back, she felt her face take on Andrew's frightened rabbit look and ran to the washroom. Brave Kristy Thomas, the girl whose friends thought she could handle anything, anytime, anywhere, couldn't face what should have been the best thing in her life. By the time she went back to her room, Dawn had left, "bawling her eyes out" according to Sam. She thought she'd die right there. And the only thing worse then her cowardice or Sam's tactlessness was finding out that Dawn was leaving from her sobbing best friend the next morning.

She wants to explain to her friends why she's blocking out the world, why she's acting like a spoiled brat. Kristy wants to be able to talk to someone about it, about how she wished more than anything that she could go back in time, say that she loves Dawn, too. But there is no way her friends would understand. And even if they did, then they'd know she's the reason Dawn left. They'd know that it was her stupid fear, the one that she's never even known she had, of what other people think that made their friend move halfway across the country.

Kristy knows Mary Anne is hurting right now, and she knows that every other member of the club is, too. But they aren't hurting like Kristy is. They can't be.

Because they don't just want to die.