Warnings: OOC'ness, anti-climatic, no continuity, poorly written, hints of homosexual behavior, hints of wrong behavior, mentions of alcohol, senseless violence, cross-dressing, swearing, and stupidity.
A/N: Well, I unleashed my, "inner, typical 14-year-old" for this one. Just a few words, it's supposed to be weird, and have no direct connection to any specific timeline in the Naruto series. If this offends or bothers you, then please don't read. Or read and flame, I don't mind. It takes place in the Uchiha mansion, in case it is confusing at first. And one last thing, this is my first attempt at anything Naruto, and normally I put a little more effort then this into my Fics, but I wrote this out of boredom as well as for enjoyment, so I went a little crazy. Anyway, I hope you can enjoy it still for some of it's zaniness, because that's all I'm trying to do. Anyway, thanks for your interest, because you wouldn't be reading this if you didn't click on it.
"What the fuck Kakashi, I thought we had a deal," screamed the young blonde-haired person named Naruto Uzamaki.
"Don't look at me. I don't care," stuttured Sakura, waving her hands in front of her face when Naruto turned to her with a look begging for some support.
"I told you Naruto," said Sasuke. "If you really thought he was going to let you pass the exams, you should have known better."
"Shut up, you. And you, answer me dammit."
"Looook," said Kakashi setting his book down, and facing him with a placid expression. "Why would I want to pass you? You're loud, obnoxious, and without Sasuke there would be no team seven. Why would I let you pass?"
"Because I'm the Greatest Ninja Ever. Believe It!" Kakashi said that in a mock tone, sounding almost like Naruto, at the exact same time. Naruto was about to add, "And I'm gonna be the next Hokage," but he was cut off at the gray-haired ninja's slicing undertone.
"You know, you're like a broken record," he added afterwords, flipping his feet over the edge of the couch again, and once again turning to his book.
Naruto's lips quivered, as watery bags of dispare began to form in his eyes. "Why are you being so mean to me?" And with that he ran out of the room, and into another room where he slammed the door behind him.
"So, what was the deal?" asked Sakura.
"I don't remember," said Kakashi flatly, shrugging his shoulders.
"You don't remember? Figures," Sasuke retorted. "You promised him that you would make sure he passed the exam if he hooked you up with Iruka sensei."
"I did?" said Kakashi going wide-eyed and his book falling onto his stomach.
"I'm telling my Mommy . . . And she's gonna kick your ass!" came Naruto's yelling from the room he had just ran into.
"You don't have a mommy Naruto!" said Sasuke plainly.
"Oh," A dull thud could be heard coming from the room, then again, and again, louder and louder, and a curse at each one, until one last bang was heard from the room before another one of body hitting the floor. A loud crash and some books hitting the floor followed this. The three in the other room watched with pale expressions of disbelief and shock. Then all three shrugged and turned back to the semi circle formed by the team.
"Yeah, you did," elaborated Sasuke. "But you were pretty plastered on sake when you said that. I'll never forget the look on that dobe's face. He was crying and calling you his hero and saying, 'Iruka's the best Kakashi, you'll have a lot of fun, believe it. Don't you worry about anything, leave it all to me.' And of course you were completely oblivious. You practically suggested it." Sasuke had said this all with a mild grin as he watched the pale complexion of Kakashi's one eye get even paler, his expression changing to a look of droopiness. Suddenly, he ran off to the bathroom, where the two left listened to the wonderful, pleasant sounds of vomiting.
"So, yeah. That's what you promised," continued Sasuke after he had returned. Sakura had passed out in shock by this point.
"Oh boy, that must be the stupidest thing I ever did," muttered Kakashi dropping his head between his knees.
"Stupider then that time you got slammed for doing 195 on a two way?"
"Yeah, much," replied the older Ninja.
"SO THAT'S WHY YOU'RE ALWAYS LATE!" shouted Sakura, bolting straight upright and holding her hand up to the sky, before simply falling limply to the floor again.
The two sat in silence, awkward silence, fiddling their hands and watching the little specs of dust float through the air.
"So, you excited?" asked Sasuke randomly.
"I think he's supposed to come today. Naruto said he had a trap all planned out," said Sasuke flipping back on the floor and folding his hands behind his head. "When I asked him what it was, he just startled giggling insanely and repeatedly mumbling, 'And he's bringing Ramen.'"
"Shit! What do I do, what do I do?" Stammered Kakashi, standing up quickly and jumping up and down waving his hands in front of himself. "Think Kakashi think!"
"I KNOW!" shouted Sakura bolting upright again before immediately slumping back to the floor.
"You know, I hear he's quite the stud-"
"You're not helping," Kakashi hissed.
Without warning the doorbell rang, and Kakashi almost screamed as loud as a girl who can't find their make-up five minutes before a date.
"I'll get it," stated Sasuke as he calmly got up and began walking toward the door.
"No, are you insane?" shouted Kakashi. "Don't answer the door. I- I command you as your sensei to-"
Sasuke looked back and grinned at Kakashi, and immediately put his hand on the doorknob. "To what, do this?"
The door opened and their standing in the doorframe was a red head in a baseball cap and gourd on his back.
"Pizza delivery for Mr. Uchiha?" the boy said quietly, and with a dry rasp in his voice, as though he were parched of thirst.
"Gaara, what are you doing delivering pizza?" asked the Uchiha stuttering over his words.
"I don't know, it's because this stupid author is making me. Do you want the pizza or not?" he said.
"Well, sure." Sasuke reached out to grab the pizza when suddenly a black blur whizzed by, ruffling the clothing and hair of the two in the doorway, and suddenly the pizza was gone.
"Snatch! Ha ha ha HA!" said the mysterious figure as he came about on his rope. He whiffed the pizza, and sighed in delight. "Ah, nothing like sausage deluxe pizza at 2:30 in the morning."
"I LOVE SAUSAGE!" chimed Sakura, before once again falling back to the floor.
"Brother," screeched Sasuke as he stared up at him on his rope. "How dare you set foot in this house."
"Whew . . . That was close," muttered Kakashi as he whipped his forehead.
"Thank you for your purchase, enjoy," said Gaara as he slowly walked away, closing the door on his way out.
"What are you going to do about it?" taunted the older Uchiha, clad in his black robe with red clouds.
"Let's end this once and for all!" shouted Sasuke as lunged for the taller version of himself.
"Not now, or at least let me finish my midnight snack," he whined, but to no avail as the younger Uchiha now hung off him like a coat.
"MORE LIKE 2:30 AM SNACK!" said Sakura before she hit the mat again.
Meanwhile, outside the mansion, two girls where setting down their 3 cartons of eggs.
"Um, will this really make Naruto-kun like me, Tenten?" came the stuttering, quite voice of the girl named Hinata.
"Of course," replied Tenten. "Sasuke is his biggest rival, so if you humiliate him, Naruto will fall head over heals for you." She winked. "Believe it."
This made Hinata blush, hearing the famous line of her crush being said. "O- Okay. I'll do it." She and Tenten grabbed an egg and nodded at each other before chucking them at the high window.
"I'm. Gonna. Kill you," cried the younger Uchiha as he clawed and scratched his way up his leg. Suddenly a smacking sound came from the window, and everyone turned to see a yellow splotch sliding down the window. Then a two more hit really close together and timed almost simultaneously. Itachi grumbled and walked over to the window.
"Vandels," he muttered. "This happens all the time."
"How do you know this happens all the time?" Sasuke screeched. "You don't even live here.
"I KNOW THOSE VOICES OUTSIDE!"
Itachi threw the window open and stuck his head out the window. "Ey! Knock it off before I use my Sharingan eye."
"Run Hinata." And the two ran off, screaming bloody murder.
"That's right. Wha- Hey!"
While Itachi was screaming out the window, Sasuke had grabbed the unprotected pizza from his hands, and now held it above his head with a triumphant grin on his face.
"Give it back, you twirp!"
"You'll have to catch me first," shouted Sasuke and the two ran off running in circles around the living room table. Then they stopped on either side and faced off, before Sasuke tried to make a dash for the corner. Itachi reached out and grabbed the hem of his shirt as he ran by, and the two tumbled to the floor in a heap.
"Give it back!" They continued their game of keep-away on the floor, and most of the pizza had began to fly out in all directions, slapping itself to the wall in a few places. "I said give it back!"
"Never," came the hoarse reply as he continued to stretch into awkward positions to keep the pizza out of reach.
They continued to struggle, but Kakashi suddenly heard voices coming from another room, the one opposite the one Naruto ran into. He walked cautiously to the door, and slowly cracked it open to reveal a startling turn of events.
"Here, try this one on Zabuza. It's really comfortable."
"I don't want to try on another one of those things Haku, and nothing you say will make me."
"And I'll make your favorite steak . . ." he pleaded holding up the dress in front of the taller man and smiling deviously, fluttering his eye lashes.
"All right, you win, but this is the last one. This Uchiha place gives me the creeps."
"You said that last time," said Zabuza as he began to strip out of the dress he was currently wearing.
Kakashi slowly closed the door, and shook out the horrifying sight from his mind.
"All right, all right, I give," came the voice of the younger Uchiha as he lay on the floor favoring the blood running down his face from his nose. Itachi opened the box and snorted when he found only one piece left still intact.
"Way to go, dumb ass," said Itachi as he took a bite out of it. Sasuke was unable to respond as he curled up in a ball on the floor trembling from pain.
"What just happened," said a weary Sakura as she fluttered awake, sitting up slowly.
"You're kidding, right?" asked Kakashi, dumbfounded.
"What are you talking about?" came a weary reply from the girl with the big forehead. The stuff I made you comment on while you were unconscious silly, chimed inner Sakura.
Suddenly the doorbell rang again. At the same moment, the door to the room Naruto ran into burst open, and there stood Naruto, a big lump on his head, sniffing the air like a dog.
"I smell Ramen," he stated savagely.
"Aw damn . . ." cried Kakashi, his arms grabbing his hair, and giving it a tug.
"Oh no, he's here," stated Sakura with equal worry.
"Who?" asked Itachi from behind a mouthful of pizza.
"Iruka-sensei!" shouted Naruto gleefully as he ran to the door. He was greated by the warm smile of the teacher as he opened his arms allowing Naruto to run into them.
"Hey, how's my little kitsune?"
"Good," replied Naruto, as he was tightly hugged and caressed by Iruka. The boy purred as he did. Iruka suddenly became aware at the gawking of everyone in the room.
"It's, uh, not what you think. We just, uh, have a, er, a really close relationship."
"Yeah, like to my ass," shouted the blonde haired teen, as he grabbed the ramen and ran off to the room he came out of, cackling like a little demon. However, this time of euphoria was short lived.
"Whoa! Ow! Oh, Iruka-sensei?"
"Can I get some more Ramen?"
"Because I don't have anymore."
"Because I didn't buy more then that."
"Because I didn't have enough money."
"Would you just shut-up!"
"Aw, this sucks," loud banging could be heard from the room as the sound a body hitting the floor followed.
"Look," started Kakashi after a short pause. "Whatever Naruto told you you were here for, you're not. Okay, I was really out of it, and apparently I asked for you to . . . Well, I don't want it anymore, so, if you were expecting it but are now disappointed that it's not going to happen, I'm sorry, but I hope you understand." There was a long pause as Iruka slurped a noodle into his mouth. Itachi double taked as he watched it go in, wondering where it came from.
"What are you talking about?"
"You know, the thing, that Naruto set up for you and me? Because I told him something in a stupefied state that he took seriously, and called you over hoping to hook us up. Well, I don't want to 'hook up' anymore, so I'm sorry, if you were, you know . . ." He trailed off, as Iruka's confused face only twisted more.
"You baka," came the soft, pain filled whisper from Sasuke. "I never said that he knew."
Kakashi's face slowly shifted to a smile, and behind the mask it could still be seen. "Oh, I see. Well, it was nice seeing you Iruka, but it's late, and I'm sure we all have better things to do then stand in the door way and chat. Ta-Ta!"
"Well, bye, see yo-" said Iruka before the door was shaply slammed in his face.
"Okay, I'm officially weirded out now," stated Itachi. "You have some weird friends little bro."
"Not as weird as your face," he hissed.
"Enough!" shouted Sakura. Everyone in the room suddenly snapped to attention. "It's three in the morning. I'm going to bed." And with that she stormed off toward the room opposite the one Naruto ran off to.
"No, Sakura wait," shouted Kakashi quickly. A sharp scream came from her lips as she once again passed out on the floor, the site of Haku and Zabuza dressed in dresses of complimenting colors and dancing together completely freaking her out.
"Let's get out of here," they shouted in unison before vanishing in a cloud of mist.
"Well, I'm out of this wacky hell hole," stated Itachi as he made his way for the door.
"WELL, GOOD RIDDENCE!"
"No . . . Wait . . . revenge," muttered Sasuke painfully.
"Adios," and with that he ran out of the room and slammed the door, leaving all within standing in silence. Kakashi sighed calmly and stretched as he walked back over to the couch and whipped out his book once again. Sasuke simply crawled on his hands and knees toward the door, muttering something unintellectual about revenge. Suddenly the door ringed again, and Kakashi once again put down his book and walked to the door.
"Hi," said Ino. "Is Sasuke here!"
"NO, HE'S NOT!" Sakura chimed in before falling unconscious to the floor.
Meanwhile, Hinata and Tenten sat shivering in the cold of the forest as they huddled together.
"Hinata?" squeaked Tenten.
"What is it?"
"I think were lost," she said. The two girls huddled closer together, the two sets of eyes darting in many directions in the darkness. Suddenly a wolf's howl cut through the darkness.
(Queue Naruto dub closing theme.)
Thanks for reading. :)