The most important romantic relationship of her life
1. Just like "The Curse", this was originally written for the round robin "Axel's Arena" over at slayerfanfic. So thanks Axel.
2. This is all intended in good fun.
Now, cue theme music.
BEER GOOD: Hi folks, and welcome to the show. Today we have with us someone who claims to be one of the most unfairly hated characters on Buffy, though most of the people I've spoken to barely seem to remember him at all. Anyway, he's here to clear his name or something. Will you please welcome Parker Abrams.
(Parker walks on, smiling and waving. About three people in the audience clap.)
BG: Thanks for coming, Parker.
PARKER ABRAMS: Thanks for having me.
BG: For those who don't remember, you were Buffy's love interest for about five minutes right after she started college. You had your way with her and then promptly dumped her, breaking her heart and driving her into Riley's arms.
PA: Actually, that's -
BG: Yet you are here today to talk about why you're the best damn boyfriend Buffy ever had.
(Audience protests. Parker eyes them suspiciously.)
PA: Well, you're exaggerating a bit...
BG: But that's the title of your book, right? "I'm The Best Damn Boyfriend Buffy Ever Had" by Parker Abrams. (Holds up book)
PA: Well... (sits up, goes for broke) Yeah, I am! OK, so maybe I wasn't a knight in shining armor, but c'mon folks, who really is? Sad as it may be, our gal Buffy hasn't exactly known how to pick them, and compared to the rest, I AM the least evil she ever had.
BG: But of course. Now... in your book, you spend about five pages on your own relationship with Buffy, and then 316 pages ranting about her other boyfriends. I thought we might briefly cover your thoughts on Buffy's other exes, if that's OK with you.
PA: Shoot. (Ducks as one of the audience members fires crossbow at him.)
BG: Hey, we'll have none of that here. So, obviously, I thought we'd start with Angel.
PA: Sure. (Counting off on his fingers) Ridiculous hairdo, looks like a puppy on steroids, mopey, and... what else, what else... Oh, I got it: GOES EVIL AND KILLS PEOPLE! Seriously, folks, get your priorities straight. So I didn't return a phone call - Angel murdered his girlfriend's stepdad's girlfriend! That's not just confusing, it's clearly wrong! And then she saves him and in return, he dumps her and leaves town? What's that about?
BG: Fine. Spike, then?
PA: You mean apart from the goes-evil-and-kills-people thing? And trying to kill her for years? How about that psychological torture he used on her in season 6? Or all that whining in season 7? And again, hairdo.
BG: You do seem awfully obsessed about the hairdo thing. Is there something we should know about you?
PA: Yeah, real funny.
BG: Moving on. Riley?
PA (laughing his head off): Captain Cardboard? Come on, even fanfic writers don't take him seriously. Dull as watching paint dry, violent, jealous, cheating... Plus, don't forget I've had classes with him. Let's just say it wasn't his academic achievements that got him that T.A. position. Not the brightest bulb in the chandelier, our Riley.
BG: OK, um... Scott Hope?
PA: Well... nice guy, I suppose, apart from the fact that he dumped her. Of course, he had an excuse. HE'S GAY, for crying out loud.
BG: Speaking of witch... uh, which, we have our first caller. Willow Rosenberg, you're on the air.
WR (on phone): Thanks. I just wanna say something to Parker on behalf of myself, Tara, Kennedy and any woman I sleep with in the future: THANK YOU for permanently turning me off men.
PA: No problem. Thank you for improving the fantasies of every guy who watched the show. (Ducks as audience yells and hurls tomatoes at him.)
BG: Back on track... um...
PA: Admit it. There IS no one else.
BG: How about... Ford? From "Lie To Me"?
PA: Puh-leese. He locked her in a basement full of pretentious goths and tried to feed her to Spike. Not exactly my idea of a romantic date.
BG: Oh wait, I got it. Oliver Pike.
(Silence. Everyone stares at Beer Good. Crickets chirp.)
BG: C'mon, admit it. You've all seen the movie. Don't try to deny it.
PA: Yes, we've seen the movie. And please, do correct me if I'm wrong, but wasn't he played by LUKE FUCKING PERRY? If that's not evil, I really don't know what is.
BG: Fine, then. You've spoken your mind about your... and I use the term loosely... "competition". What exactly is it you want?
PA: I'm not asking for much. Just some equal treatment, that's all. I'm sick of all these Bangel and Spuffy fics rewriting history so they can live happily ever after... how about just ONE time I get the girl? Huh? Is that too much to ask? I mean really, I apologised to her, I saw the error of my ways, I even offered her ice cream, for Christ's sake... what more can I do?
BG: Go on TV and whine like a little bitch?
PA: Har har har. Face it, you all know it: I AM the least evil man she had, and I deserve at least ONE happy ending!
BG: Well, Parker, it's your lucky day. Because we actually have a surprise for you. And let me just say you'll be glad you put on that after shave. (Gets up, walks over to a door.) Ladies and gentlemen, will you please welcome... the cavemen from "Beer Bad"!
(Opens door. Three Neanderthals rush out, sniff the air, and then head straight for Parker who shrieks like a girl and runs towards the exit.)
BG: They haven't had contact with a woman in six years. They're really not too picky at this point. Obviously, they're not very fast so he should be able to outrun them, but who knows...
PA (off screen): OH GOD! SOMEONE PLEASE HELP ME!
BG: ...or cares. Anyway, I'm Beer Good. Thanks for watching.