Title: Pirate Roy

Author: Zalia Chimera

Rating: PG-13

Pairing: Ed/Roy

Summary: Ed discovers that Roy is reading a book of questionable merit and tries to help him mend his ways.

Hope you enjoy!

"He clasped her to his chest, pressing her heaving bosom... what the fuck is this?"

Roy snapped the book shut and gave Ed a sour look. "It's a book, Fullmetal. With all of the time that you spend in the library, I'd have thought that you'd have learned to recognise one by now." That earned him an automail fist to the shoulder and he winced slightly. Ed never had learned to pull his punches.

"Bastard!" Ed snarled. "You know what I mean!"

Roy gave a long suffering sigh and set the book down on the sofa next to himself, knowing that he wouldn't get much more read until Ed was satisfied with his answers. "It's a novel, Ed. An ex-girlfriend gave it to me years ago and I wanted something to read." He took great amusement from the absolutely horrified expression that crossed Ed's face at that statement. For a moment, he even thought that he might have shocked Ed into silence, but no such luck, alas.

"But... but..." Ed closed his jaw with a snap, took a deep breath and then started to speak again, coherently this time. "Roy, you have a study full of books. There's a bookcase in every room of the house and the books are spilling out onto the floor. Good books," he added emphatically. "Poetry and classics and biographies..."

Roy stifled the urge to roll his eyes and then turned on the sofa so he could see Ed better, curling one leg beneath him. "Sometimes, Ed, a certain mood occurs where classics are simply too dense to enjoy and you really just want to read something light and unimportant."

Ed stared at him as though he were insane and then reached forwards to lay the back of his hand against Roy's forehead, His tongue was poking from the corner of his mouth as he bit down on it thoughtfully. "Well, you don't feel warm..."

"I am not ill!" Roy snapped, casting Ed a glare.

"But it's trash!" Ed replied, matching Roy's glare with one of his own. "Look at it!" He let his eyelids droop and leaned his chin against Roy's shoulder so he could whisper into his ear huskily. "He impaled her hot, wet lily with his throbbing lance of passion!" He pulled away making a gagging noise. "It's not even decent erotica and the language is horrible! What's it called? 'Love in the Time of Eye Patches' or something?"

Roy raised his one visible eyebrow and Ed blanched visibly. He reached out to run a finger over the patch covering the left side of Roy's face. "Roy... I-I didn't mean..." He bit his lip, eyes downcast. Roy lifted his chin with one hand and kissed him softly for a moment. "How many times do I need to tell you, Ed? You don't have to refrain from mentioning it or feel ashamed for reminding me. I'm not going to get angry." Ed made a soft noise in reply and rubbed his cheek against against Roy's fingers before pulling away slightly.

"It's still rubbish," he muttered sullenly.

"And I suppose that 'World Wars' by W H Gells is classic literature," Roy replied with a smirk, referring to a well thumbed volume that Ed kept hidden beneath a stack of alchemical research journals. "You can't really comment since you read trashy science fiction."

Ed blushed furiously. "That's different!" he growled.

Roy grinned. "Going to try and convince me that an invasion of suits of armour from another universe is scientific fact now, Ed?" he asked sweetly.

"Well, at least my books don't have terrible porn!" Ed snapped back. He stuck his nose in the air and turned away. "I could write better."

Roy snorted disbelievingly. "I'd like to see you try."

"Oh, really?" Ed said and when he turned back to Roy, there was a devilish smile on his face. He leaned over the back of the sofa so their cheeks were touching. "I'll tell you about the Magnificent Pirate Captain Mustang," he said softly. "Who was very handsome and loved by men and women alike."

Roy shivered slightly at the sensation of warm breath against his neck and Ed laughed lowly. "Anyway, lots of stuff happened. Swash and buckle and things like that, but that's all boring so we'll cut straight to the interesting part." He paused to clear his throat and then started speaking again. "The Magnificent Pirate Captain Mustang had captured a vessel. A very very fine ship full of treasure. But in the captain's cabin, he found the best treasure of all. A beautiful maiden of a noble household. She had... eh... hair like spun gold and ummm..." It was there that Ed's imagination failed him slightly since he really paid very little attention to women in the way that leant itself to romantic descriptions. "She had... um... nice eyes! Yeah. She had nice eyes too. And I guess her skin was pretty good too. No spots."

Roy couldn't hold back a snicker and Ed's automail closed on his shoulder threateningly. "Anyway, the pirates had taken their prisoners and robbed the ship and the Magnificent Pirate Captain Mustang was schmoozing with this woman on deck, 'cause he thought that she was beautiful. However," he stopped for a moment to allow the word to sink in. "on deck with them was the stunningly handsome and powerful Cabin Boy Edward. He also had hair like spun gold, but unlike that woman, he actually had talent and intelligence."

His voice had dropped lower and his lips were now pressed against Roy's neck so he could feel every word as it was said. "Watching the two of them together, the cabin boy found himself growing angry and he decided that he had to take Mustang as his own!" He punctuated his words by nibbling gently on Roy's neck for a minute. "So, exhibiting his great athletic ability, he grabbed a rope and used it to swing towards them, knocking the simpering air-headed woman into the ocean with the man eating sharks!"

He pulled away and grinned maniacally at Roy who grinned back. "This is all very well, Ed, but weren't you supposed to be writing better erotica? There hasn't been even a single bared nipple as far as I can tell."

Ed rolled his eyes. "I'm getting to that. But it needs the build up." He cleared his throat again. "Okay, with the simpering wench gone, the cabin boy was free to claim his pirate. And he did. Repeatedly."

"Oh?" Roy purred, turning to nuzzle his nose against Ed's ear. "What exactly did he do?"

Ed gasped softly as Roy flicked out his tongue to trace the shell of his ear, and spoke again in a slightly strangled voice. "Well, he did this..." He wrapped his arms around Roy's shoulders, reaching down to pinch and tease one nipple into hardness. "And then he did this..." He lowered his head to suck and bite at Roy's throat until a dark mark began to show. "And then..." His words trailed off and he caught Roy's lips in a deep kiss, thrusting his tongue into the older man's mouth. Whatever else the story might have involved was quickly forgotten as clothes were shed.

An hour or so later, Roy had decided that he really did like Ed's story better.