Legal Disclaimer: The characters, etc. and so forth, are not mine. They belong to people much richer than me, and so it would do them no good to try suing me – as it is, I'm going to have to sell my kidneys to pay back my student loans. As I'm not making a profit off this story – and certainly wouldn't for a story this bad, anyway – it hardly seems worth the legal fees, now does it?
Moral Disclaimer: To anyone who might inadvertently or unwillingly stumble across this story: This is the first piece of fanfiction I've written. Ever. It's also the first thing approaching a story I've attempted in years. It was written at 5am, so no promises on quality. I just had an amusing conversation with my roommate tonight and thought I'd try my hand at conveying it to others.
Please don't hate me for the little innocent jabs contained herein. I love the show. I love fanfiction for the show. I live on this website; I honestly do! Which reminds me: A good number of you need to update your stories, is all I'm saying, because some of us (namely: me) do not take waiting well.
Oh, one more thing. There is Lana bashing inside, done in a joking fashion, of course. My comments are not intended towards Kristin Kreuk, who is, I'm sure, a very lovely person, and I have no problems with her acting.
All disclaimers done with, here it is…
Lana, Lois, and Chloe had all stopped by the Kent Farm to have some much-needed girl time with Mrs. Kent. They were sitting around the kitchen table regaling the older woman with tales of their respective weeks – a stalker had chased Lana…again; Lois had indulged in some random antagonism with Clark before going back to her apartment, accomplishing nothing else the entire week; and Chloe had been studiously working at the Daily Planet – again, not accomplishing much, but at least she'd been available to lend a friendly ear to Clark when he needed to vent about the ongoing Lana/Clark Saga.
When it came around to Martha's turn to share, there was a long silence. Not much went on at the family farm, at least not much that could be discussed in front of Lois and Lana. "Lois, Chloe, I'm actually glad you came by today," Martha finally spoke up, trying to deflect attention from the notable silence, "I've been meaning to talk to you both. I was talking to a friend of mine the other day, who I haven't spoken with in years…"
Lois, startled at this news, asked thoughtlessly, "You have friends?"
"Wow. Rude, much?" Chloe muttered to her cousin, though she'd privately been thinking the same thing.
"It's okay. I never really leave the farm. Or go out. Or talk to people. Well, except for Lion…" noticing her companion's stricken looks, she cleared her throat and continued, "I understand your surprise. Anyway, back to the point, I was filling her in on the events of the past few years, and it occurred to me that neither of you seem to have seen anybody…" she paused at this, trying to think of a delicate way to phrase the rest of her statement, "romantically in a while. I was wondering, is everything okay with you two?"
Chloe exchanged a look with Lois. "Well," she finally spoke up, "You see, Mrs. Kent, the problem is that I have this rule. I never date anyone my friends have dated."
"I understand. But I don't see…" Martha began.
"It's Lana," Lois cut her off in an attempt to clarify the situation.
Lana looked startled and confused. It was her trademark look – a combination of 'deer in the headlights' with a touch of 'what am I doing here, again?'
"I can't date anybody Lana's dated, I should have said," Chloe explained.
"Well, I can see why that would be a problem, but surely Lana can't have dated that many people."
Everyone at the table turned to the raven-haired girl in question, who looked distinctly uncomfortable. "Not that many," she murmured.
Lois scoffed, "Since when?"
"Clark and I are very committed to each other! I love him! I've told him I'd wait for him, however long it takes, and I meant it!" Lana exclaimed.
Hearing this exchange, Chloe glanced at her watch a moment and continued, "It was already getting pretty hard to find a Lana-free zone around Smallville when we finished high school, and I thought things would improve when I went to Metropolis. But, see, then she moved there too. And I love having her there! Honestly! But," she said, drawing out the word, "It certainly hasn't helped my romantic prospects that much. Because even if I could get a guy to notice me with Lana around (and don't give me that skeptical look. I'm telling you it hasn't happened yet!), there's the dating issue."
"I think you're exaggerating," Martha responded confidently.
"Okay, I'll give you some examples from here in town. In school, I had a crush on a guy named Ian…" she trailed off and looked at Lana, who just looked confused in return.
"And Lana dated him?" Lois asked, looking at the girl in question. Lana still looked confused. "Ian," Lois offered, nudging her companion in the process.
The light bulb turned on. "Only a couple of times!" Lana said in her own defense.
Martha said dubiously, "I don't remember hearing about that. I'm sure Clark would have mentioned something."
At this, Lana's face darkened. "Well, you wouldn't really know, would you? Clark isn't the most honest person out there. From our very first date, he has refused to tell me every single secret he's ever had! Isn't that unreasonable?" she huffed.
"Isn't that the definition of a secret? Something you tend not to blurt out to everybody you know?" Lois whispered to her cousin.
Whispering back, Chloe responded, "Shut up. She's entitled."
Lois' eyebrow quirked as she asked, "Really?"
"No. But she thinks she is, and that's what's important."
Lana, unable to hear their conversation, continued, "I just…I hate his breathing guts! I'm never speaking to Clark again!"
A silence fell upon the table once more, as everyone responded to this news differently. Martha looked at her guest with infinite understanding and compassion. Chloe looked unsurprised, looked at her watch again, and sighed. "That took longer than I thought," she murmured.
Finally, as if coming to a realization that might just border on blasphemy, Lois said slowly, "That was fast, Lana. You went from adoration to blind seething resentment in something like no time flat." She patted her friend gently on the shoulder. "You feeling okay?"
Chloe blinked in surprise. "You haven't noticed she does that a lot? She has a…problem maintaining constancy in her affections."
"I do not!" Lana cried. "I am an extremely loyal person to anybody I love! I'm not judgmental! Just ask Clark. I love him, and I'll wait for him to realize we belong together forever, if I have to!"
After taking a moment to process this second sudden reversal in as many minutes, Lois breathed, "Wow. Is it switch-operated, do you think?" She launched herself out of her chair and moved close to Lana, examining the other girl as if she were an intriguing new toy. Experimentally, she touched Lana's shoulder, her arm, her wrist, and the back of her neck in turn, asking each time, "How do you feel about Clark now?"
Lana glared at this intrusive attention and attempted to return to the previous conversation. "Anyway, Chloe, I don't see why you couldn't date Ian. We only went on the two dates."
"And then he tried to kill you," the blonde reporter pointed out. Lana shrugged in a 'well, what can you do?' way. At Martha's startled look, Chloe explained, "He got jealous and tried to run her over with his car. After that, there was Steve."
Martha looked at Lana. "And you dated him?"
"Until he tried to stab me, yes," Lana responded on a regretful sigh.
"How did you get away?" Martha asked in concern.
Lana looked surprised at the question as if the answer should be more obvious. "I had three days of self-defense training with Lex. It wasn't really that hard."
"After Ian, there was Jeremy."
"Oh, I loved Jeremy! I really thought it was magic between us! But then he got a rifle and shot at me."
"Michael," Chloe offered.
"He was so wonderful! We were perfect together until he tried to bludgeon me with a golf club."
"Nathan was so sweet. He was always there for me. He was a totally honest person, unlike Clark," she muttered in a dark tone.
During the ongoing examination of Lana's shoulder, Lois could swear she heard Chloe mutter something that sounded like, "With that kind of unflagging devotion, it's a miracle he hasn't told you his secret sooner." The older girl snorted, which startled Lana out of her thoughts. When she looked up, she noticed everyone looking expectantly at her. "Oh, he shoved me off a cliff."
A lone tear slid down Lana's cheek. "I really thought he was The One until he rigged my crock pot to explode when I turned it on."
Chloe opened her mouth to offer another name, but Martha cut her off. "I see what you mean."
"Anyway, I don't have Chloe's problem," Lois offered while she continued her quest to find the Clark Mood Shift Button. "I'm not adverse to dating someone Lana's gone out with…since it almost seems inevitable, somehow…but I'm waiting to find the guy who tries to kill her in the most inventive way."
Martha cried in shock, "You want someone who's an attempted murderer?"
Ever a pragmatic person, Lois responded, "Again, there aren't many options. But, I figure, if you have to date a psychopath, you might as well go for one with some originality. I really like the creative types."
"I never would have guessed that about you, Lois," Martha said.
Looking up, Lois responded. "There's a lot about me you don't know. For example, this attitude is all for show. I really…" Lois paused, her breath hitching in her throat. "There's someone I really love, but he doesn't love me. And even if he did, it wouldn't matter, because I can't tell him how I really feel! I'm just too scared!" And Lois, too, indulged in releasing a lone tear to fall gracefully down her cheek.
"How do you two do that?" Chloe demanded. "I can't do that graceful crying thing. I bawl and always end up looking like I've been punched afterwards." At their confused looks, she shook her head and grimaced. "Anyway, Lois, you've got it wrong. You're not supposed to do that here." At Lois's frown of puzzlement, she continued, "That emotional, tearful, sudden-realization/confession out of the blue." She paused. "That's fanfiction!" she hissed.
"Oh! Sorry! I thought we were…." Lois cleared her throat. "Never mind."
Rubbing her head, Martha rose to get the fire extinguisher ready and muttered, "We're definitely getting letters now."
"Anyway," Lois said in a firm tone and turned back to her task. "How do you feel about Clark now?" She touched Lana's ear.
Lana promptly (but gracefully) fell to the floor, unconscious.
"Lois, you idiot! What'd you do that for?" Chloe demanded.
"I didn't do anything! I just…"
"You forgot the First Rule of living in Smallville! Never, ever, ever touch someone on the head unless you want them to pass out! And then, of course, they often…"
Lana's eyes fluttered open. "What's going on?"
In a resigned tone, Chloe explained, "It's okay, Lana. Lois accidentally knocked you out."
"Lois?" Lana looked confused. "What's she doing here? Why am I in the Kents' kitchen?"
"You don't remember coming here?" Martha knelt by the injured girl's side and gazed on her with maternal affection and concern. She didn't win the Best Mother EVER award in Smallville five years running for no reason!
"Last thing I remember, I was at school getting ready to meet with Chloe so we could come down here and see you!" Lana cried.
Looking around at the preposterous nature of the situation in which the four women had found themselves today, Lois muttered, "Oh, for crying out loud."