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Title: The Leaf in His Hair
Genre: Parody/Comedy/Snark/and everything else I can throw in.
Pairings: It's a merry-go-round!
Summary: All the best and all the worst of the fandom gets thrown in a pot and I have fun with it. I own none of the characters, none of the quotes, none of the poor souls that get massacred in this. If you recognize your own work... congratulations! You've been spoofed in my most loving way! If you don't, great! I won't have to sic my attack bettas on your fanpoodles. ;P
The Leaf in His Hair
Kagome pulled herself out of the well and checked all around her. She didn't see Inuyasha so she checked and made sure her skirt was short enough for the wind to occasionally lift it high enough to show off her new thong. With a couple of readjustments she went walking through the woods in search of a convenient root to trip over.
To her surprise she found Sesshoumaru sitting under a tree on top of the root she wanted. Usually she was careful to disturb Sesshoumaru only if Inuyasha was around, but the taciturn demon was clearly upset. His handsome stripes had faded, his eyes were filled with tears, and there was a leaf in his long pretty hair. The leaf truly disturbed her.
"Sesshoumaru, I know you would usually kill me if I talked to you but I'm concerned that you have a leaf in your hair. What's wrong?"
Sesshoumaru stood, staring into the sun. Well, there was a tree in the way but Kagome understood the symbolism. It was one of the things she had passed on her midterm tests. Then the great Sesshoumaru turned and bawled on her shoulder. She patted his back, instantly going into caring and compassionate mode. Still, it was quite disconcerting when he started licking her neck.
"Umm, Sesshoumaru? That's rather icky and mildly arousing, but I'm into hanyous right now."
"Sorry, just wanted to clean up my mess."
"Please, tell me what is troubling you. That way I can help and get you out of here before your jealous half-brother comes along and I start wishing for a threesome again. I really don't want to get my hopes up."
"It's horrible Kagome. My Rin has grown up and fallen in love. I thought about being the slightly perverted guardian who falls in love with his charge but it wouldn't work."
"Oh, is this the 'humans are contemptible and hanyous are filth' problem again?"
"No, I'm over that. No one could see Rin sleeping on Ah-Un and drooling on Jaken and keep that stance."
He sniffled then burst out crying again.
Kagome put her arms around Sesshoumaru after looking around to be sure Inuyasha was nowhere in sight. She was in heaven and wondered if she could get away with a quick grope. Then again, she was supposed to be caring and considerate and Miroku might sue her for stealing his trademark style. He could be such a prima donna sometimes.
"Sesshoumaru, before you have to clean up more than my neck (though I really wouldn't mind a bit) who has Rin fallen in love with? Is it Jaken?"
"If only it was! He could provide her with a very comfortable living and their children would be so cute. But no, she's fallen in love with some human… I think his name is Tanukida, Takeda, something like that. My Rin…"
Kagome knew she had to act fast to stop him from crying again. Not only was her shirt becoming transparent from the moisture, but it was starting to seriously freak her out. His getting in touch with his tender side was too traumatic for the both of them.
"Why don't you adopt another kid? There's plenty that are allowed to wander around without supervision here. You could just pick one up."
"I tried that. Some told me they weren't supposed to speak to strange demons, most just ran away screaming. I even tried offering them candy but it seems I'll never find anyone like Rin."
Kagome reminded herself for the four thousand and fifty seventh time to be careful what she taught kids in the villages.
"Well, what about having kids of your own? Surely there's plenty of girls crazy for you."
Sesshoumaru shuddered and started to feel a panic attack coming on.
"NO! Not that, never again!"
He turned wide blanked out orbs to Kagome.
"No, please keep them away from me! It's awful. I get all sweaty and out of control! And they can't keep their hands from of my hair! They always want to stroke it and play with it and rub it against them. Then I have to wash it and brush it for hours! It's not as easy as it looks to have perfect hair all the time."
Kagome soothed the panicking demon by rubbing behind his ear.
"It's ok now, I won't let them touch your hair. Well, shoot. I guess I am going to have to let the cat out of the bag sometime. I think I can help you if you don't mind the plot of this story taking the short path to hell."
"What is it? Can you really help me?"
"Yes. I know I've always acted powerless around everybody here but the fact is that I am a witch. This weird English school contacted me when I was eleven and told me that my name was down on their role. I asked why I wasn't going to the Japanese branch and apparently some Voldywart guy had messed up the school records when he wasn't allowed to play this weird assed game. But they let me take the correspondence course and I graduated early.
Now, with a rare spell and modern technology you can become pregnant and no one will have to touch that beautiful soft flowing hair. But you will have to choose someone to be the father. Do you know anyone offhand?"
"Crap. The only other dog demon I know is my brother. And a half wolf pup is completely out of the question."
"Ok, so all we have to do is ask Inuyasha."
"Besides the fact that this is a rather sickening road to hell this plot is marching down, isn't there the whole 'close relatives have idiot kids' part we need to consider?"
"Oh, that's not a problem. Dogs are often line bred, but the spell will take care of that anyway. Oh, look. He's on time!"
Inuyasha bounded into the clearing, barely missing the tree Sesshoumaru had been staring at before. He wondered why Kagome wasn't sprawled out over the tree root and why she was getting all touchy feely with his brother. But his job was to react first and ask questions later. He should have gotten a better agent, but since he was stuck he pulled out his sword and brandished it.
"Leave Kagome alone you bastard! You will never get my sword and all the neat add-ons I got for it!"
Kagome sighed and said, "Osuwari! Now that we've gotten all that over with, Sesshoumaru has something to ask you that has nothing to do with your sword. Well, not with Tessaiga I mean."
Sesshoumaru blushed, understanding the double entendre. Inuyasha was flummoxed as usual but pretended he knew what was happening until Sesshoumaru opened his mouth.
"Inuyasha, would you be the father of my pup?"
Two swordfights, lots of head bumps, several panty flashes, and fourteen sit commands later Kagome was able to explain everything to Inuyasha with the use of a convenient flashback. Inuyasha was sent behind a tree with a copy of Dog Fancy, Kagome started mumbling in a foreign language, and not too long later Sesshoumaru was happily knocked up and on his way.
Kagome sighed, "The dreams of many fangirls just went down the toilet. So, what do we do now, Naraku?"
Naraku came out from behind the large tree that Sesshoumaru had stared at and that Inuyasha had barely missed. It made sense to everybody there because it was the only tree in the forest.
"What I do every night, Kagome. Try to take over the world."
Kagome looked around and night had indeed fallen. Inuyasha started humming a catchy tune he'd heard the last time he watched cartoons with Jii-chan, and dug out some ramen from Kagome's bag.
"Inuyasha, it's rude to eat in front of people! Naraku, would you like to join us for dinner and tell us your plan? It'd be much easier to stop you if you did."
"Thank you, but I must go run amuck and find a European castle that was magically transplanted to Japan for all of us to live in before midnight or Kanna will ground me."
Kagome paused, "Well, that makes as much sense as anything does in this story. Have fun storming the castle!" In an aside to Inuyasha she asked, "you think it will work?"
He muttered around a mouthful of ramen, "it'll take a miracle."
Dun dun dun! Next time- will Kagome get to trip over that root? How many crossovers can the story take? Where are Miroku and Sango? Did Naraku make his curfew or did Kanna punish him? Has the author lost her mind? Will a Mary Sue make an appearance? How long 'til the second chapter? Do you have enough brain bleach?
And just how many licks does it take to get to the center of a Tootsie roll pop?