After waving farewell to Naraku and having a quick snack of ramen, the couple made it back to Kaede's house. To Kagome's delight and befuddlement the house was covered in sweets. She took a piece of an pan A.N. I herd of thz from my neighbor's husband's neice's friend's first cousin and I relly want to try it. I think it's candy or a donutso plz forgive if it wrong. Like, should I hve used mouchi instead? Japanese is hrd! off the house and offered it to the hanyou. Inuyasha became loopy at the smell and toppled over, taking Kagome with him. Somehow they landed with Inuyasha's hand under her skirt and his face between her breasts.
The door opened and the two froze. Well, not completely. Inuyasha's fingers kept twitching under her skirt but that was for blatant fan service. A tired looking Kaede started mumbling out strange foreign words.
"What did she say?" Inuyasha mumbled into Kagome's breasts.
He had to wait for the answer. The lip service had crossed her eyes and dotted her Ts.
As soon as she regained control she replied, "Nibble, nibble, like a mouse. Who is nibbling at my house?"
"Why would she say something that dumb? She knows who you are. And why did you want to eat something off a house anyways?"
After a little longer wait that involved Kagome's return to breathing normally and Inuyasha wiping off wet fingers she replied, "I don't know. When did Kaede learn English anyways?"
Both miko and hanyou jumped in the air, puppy ears flattening to escape the shrill voice assaulting them. Inuyasha swept Kagome behind him and pulled Tessaiga.
"Who the hell are you?"
"I'm Patchouli Renee, the 'Kaede looks like a witch and I love German fairy tales' Mary Sue for chapter two! I'm a Libra and my blood type is O. I'm wearing a purple spaghetti strap top that I decorated all by myself with a Bedazzler! You should envy my mad skillz with it and the fact that I only attached the beads to my fingers four times! My low-rise, acid-washed, stone-tumbled, artfully-torn, and geometrically-inked jeans are Versace and my uber cute flip-flops are from Wal-Mart! Oh, and you spelled your sword's name wrong! It's Tetsusaiga!"
Shippo came out of the candy house holding his tummy.
"Kagome, I don't feel so good. Can you make her go away?"
"Ha! Not even a cute little fox can steal the spotlight from me," Patchouli Renee exclaimed.
A weak voice that sounded like Miroku's, but a weaker version of it, said, "Its true. Take a look at her wrist."
As weak as the voice was, it was right. A handcuff ran from Patchouli Renee's wrist to the main spotlight. A cameraman was surreptitiously trying to hack through the chain but all could see he wasn't going to get very far. Indeed, Patchouli Renee caught on and started to change very quickly. At first it seemed like she was going to become a cat demon, but then she started to show some dragon features with Sesshoumaru-ish markings. Obviously she hadn't read chapter one, but that's typical of her species. Shippo and Inuyasha started making bets on what she would be when she finished, but Kagome won.
Inuyasha sheathed his sword and looked around.
"Uh, Kagome? What happened?"
"Looks like a gigantic hole in the plot," Kagome said as she peered over the edge. "She must have stumbled into it during that last tail change. Thank goodness you didn't have to fight her. Her fanpoodles would have been all over you."
Inuyasha made a face.
"Yechq. I hate poodles. They're too much into S&M for me."
Miroku raised a handsomely crafted eyebrow to Mushin's prescribed height for wiggling more information out of a dog demon.
"What? Haven't you heard of Esinem? He was a really popular yet horrible singer when I was a kid."
"And just how long ago was that, if I may ask?"
"Well, I spent 50 years stuck to that tree, but people are still arguing about canon vs anime. So I'm either 65 or I'm 200. Personally I don't give a crap 'cause Takahashi said I'm supposed to be 15 mentally."
"Mental is right," Shippo inserted.
After an exhausting fox and the hound chase around Kagome everybody counted up their injuries.
Shippo- nine head bumps and one grope.
Inuyasha- ten sits, three gropes, and three headbumps.
Miroku- four slaps, five gropes, and ten head bumps.
Kagome- four gropes, although Miroku swore it was a mistake and not an intentional grope.
Kagome sighed, "Ok, everyone to bed! Lights out in 15 minutes. I've knocked up Sesshoumaru, invited Naraku to dinner, had my eyes crossed and my Ts dotted, and dealt with Patchouli Renee. On top of that I didn't get to trip on a root today so I'm cranky and tired and am not going to put with any crap. Got it?"
The lights went out and the crickets started to chirp. Then the cicadas joined in with their song. Pretty soon the frogs had arranged a bass line and the place really got to rocking. The chickens started doing the conga and a strangely accented lobster started singing about the sea. Unfortunately, his song didn't go well with the conga beat and the frogs didn't care to be directed by a foreign lobster so the local yakuza escorted him from the property.
The group in the hut slept soundly through the night.
Bright and early the next morning Kagome screamed. Inuyasha came flying back to her side and looked frantically around for another Mary Sue. The author not so gently reminded him that she wasn't that sadistic -maybe- and everyone got back to the storyline.
"I can't believe I forgot to ask about Sango! Inuyasha, why didn't you remind me! I'm such a horrible person! What if she's been taken hostage by Naraku, or married Takeda, or is making wild passionate love with Kouga? I should have asked last night, I know I should of. I'm a horrible friend!"
Inuyasha backed up a couple of steps and looked at her critically.
"Did you know there's a piece of paper stuck to your cheek?"
"No, and what does that have to do with anything?"
"Cause it's from Sango."
"What, now you're reading my notes? Osuwari!"
After slamming into the rather hard wood floor and getting a splinter in his sensitive nose, Inuyasha lost his temper and hollered at her through the wood.
"Dammit wench! You forget I can smell who used the paper last!"
Kagome's thoughts immediately turned to her bathroom at home and how many times she'd left Inuyasha all alone. He wouldn't sniff that paper? Or the toilet, eeewwww! Bad thought, bad thought, bad thought. He's always insisting he's not a dog… but… eeeewwwww!
Inuyasha watched Kagome's face contort and change colors, growing more uncomfortable with the directions her thoughts seemed to be headed by the second. Unfortunately this was one of the long lasting sits that had to wait for a punchline to release.
Kagome's brain wheeled along to the final conclusion. She had kissed that mouth! She grabbed the Listerine, toothbrush, and industrial strength toothpaste out of her bag and bolted to the nearest fresh water source.
Inuyasha let out a sigh of relief and got up from the floor. He didn't want to know what had been going on in her head; it was safer for his sanity.
Speaking of sanity, there had been too much of it and was time to negotiate with Microsoft for another upgrade to Tessaiga. Unless that chick last night was right and he was spelling the name wrong… in which case (like all Microsoft products) the warranty was null and void. Damn lawyers didn't cover that in the dubbing agreements. In fact, they didn't cover much more than how much American companies would pay them. It's how he got stuck with the overly pissy attitude and lame attack names. He really needed a better agent.
After a thorough mouth scrub, Kagome peeled the note from her face. Drool had slightly smudged the kanji, but she was fairly certain that Sango was asking her to meet her at a lantern in the forest. Which was puzzling since she hadn't seen a lantern in the forest during last chapter's excursions. She sighed, wishing that her character had the right to think things out like Kikyou did. She got all the good lines and the vampiresque body that lived on innocent souls and couldn't be killed, while Kagome had to be all goodness and light. Maybe next time there was a goth role offered at Shikon High she'd take it.
Kagome sighed again and decided to tempt fate by going to meet Sango alone. There's nothing like a random kidnapping/demon possession to cheer a girl up and the path she had to take was well known for both.
Of course, that depended on the path being there, which it wasn't. It dead-ended at a large crater that came perilously close to the well. She recognized the work immediately and ran around the edge.
"Lina! Gourry! I haven't seen you for ages!"
Lina laughed, "That's because Zel's been dragging us all over creation looking for the perfect rust remover. He's terrified of going bald."
Both girls burst into laughter. Tormenting Zel was one of the better ways of wasting your time at Hogwarts. Well, that and blowing up the potions classroom.
"So, Lina, when are you going to teach me Dragon Slave? I've got a villain here I'd like to try it out on."
Lina shifted, "I don't know. There's a big difference between miko and madoushi powers."
Kagome eyed her, "I can always let Snape know it was a disguised Filtch. And I wonder who was well known for tricks…"
"Ok, ok! Look who's gotten into the blackmail racket. You may be able to cast it after all."
A whoosh announced the arrival of a big sword.
"Kagome, step back!"
Shaking her head, she tossed out a bored osuwari.
"Lina, this is Inuyasha. Sorry about that, it's our 'overdone, but awww, he's protecting her' bit."
An evil gleam came to Lina's orbs and a crafty smile darkened her face.
"Kagome, that's a nice little trick."
She glanced at Gourry, who was trying to help Inuyasha up despite the latter's growls. Her smile deepened.
"Equal trade? Dragon Slave for that necklace spell?"
"Deal. Lets go meet up with Sango first. I want to find out if she was boinking Naraku or Kouga last night."
The path they took led them through the darkest parts of the forest. Lina stretched, cape making her overly warm in the bright sunshine.
"Say, Kagome. How did you end up here anyways? I know Potter edged you out in the 'Most Likely to Stumble into Major Danger' and Neville got 'Most Accident Prone but That Makes Him a Hero,' but I never would have tagged you for the 'Time Travel and True Love' type."
"That's because Buyo blew his part. He wasn't supposed to lead Souta to the well; he was supposed to lead Jii-chan. Then mama would have gone through the well, shacked up with Sesshoumaru, gotten a love bite, and lived with him forever. But Buyo just had to mess up, so now I'm stuck with Inuyasha. As for the 'how did I get here part,' I can get you the manga or provide a very long flashback. It's taken ten years to get this far."
Kagome heaved her 1,849th sigh of the week, "It sucks being stuck at 15 for ten years. Keeping my skin clear and hair nice with all these hormones is a drag. I've thought about asking Sesshoumaru for his hair care secrets, but I don't know what he'd do if I did."
"I hear you there. Sometimes I think I've been 15 forever. And what really bites is that you know that it's those horny old men who keep us that way."
Kagome nodded agreement and turned her attention to the guys following them. So far it sounded like they were comparing fighting tactics. She couldn't interrupt until they started swinging swords because there was an entire scene dependant on her timing. She sighed again, and then heard the ring of a sword being drawn. Dammit, they skipped two pages! She was not taking the rap for the timing this go-round.
The large crack that echoed around them brought with it a coliseum and Lee. Kagome was startled to see Gryffindor's ex-announcer dressed with pink and purple polka-dotted robes.
"It was messed up at the drycleaners! I don't want to hear a word out of you!"
Lina scooted a bit closer and whispered, "I think that after announcing all those games, he was shocked when they didn't have him commentating in the movies. He snapped and now goes around with this portable stadium. St. Mungo's will come by pretty soon to pick him up again."
"And now, ladies and gentlemen, children of all ages, we bring to you this match of the ages! In one area of the stadium we have Gourry, champion of the weak, the pitiful, the abnormal, and, for some odd reason, Lina the Dragon Spooker! He's the steadfast soldier, the wielder of the sword of light although we don't know how because he was supposed to have given it up in his third season! Let's hear it for Gourry!"
The girls were pelted with what looked like soda cans. A furious Lina started lobbing them back at Lee with furiously accurate precision, along with some hastily warded off fireballs, then started calling up Dragon Slave.
"Lina, wait! Look at the can," Kagome said, teardropping.
A quick glance at the instructions on the can had the incantation fizzling and Lina indulging in an anime pratfall. Kagome looked at her and sighed, then popped the top of the can. The air rang with clapping and cheers.
"Canned applause, huh?"
Kagome nodded, grimaced, and picked up the next can.
"Maybe if we go along with it, it will end quickly."
"Or I could teach you Dragon Slave right now and end it immediately."
After receiving a harsh glare from the author, Lina resigned herself to carrying out the tragic farce and picked up a can. Satisfied, the author went back to typing and Lee went on with his beloved commentary.
"And on the other side of the arena is a creature not classified by the Ministry because it lost its ties to Japan after a massive kappa scandal. The full details were never released, but The Quibbler reported that it involved a misidentified imp and a furry boa. For full story, see the December issue of 1569."
"Kagome, who the hell is this guy and what the fuck is he talking about?"
Struck with a vision of Inuyasha annihilating Lee and Lina becoming obsessed with Tessaiga's diamond producing abilities, Kagome shuddered, sighed, and then shouted, "Just ignore him, please. Someone should be coming to pick him up soon."
Inuyasha gave her a blank look, then rested Tessaiga on his shoulder in his usual argument stance. Kagome was rapidly losing her patience with everyone concerned and just wanted to find out who Sango had boinked.
"Just. Go. Along. With. It. Don't make me say the word, Inuyasha."
Faced with annoying people and certain embarrassment on one side, and Kagome on the other, Inuyasha made the bravest decision of his life.
"Let's make this fast, Gourry."
Gourry, who had gotten completely confused and had no idea what was happening, just nodded. Both girls recognized his symptoms and wanted to cry.
"It's a swordfight Gourry. Just fight the nice boy with doggie ears and no one else."
The light bulb didn't come on, but Kagome swore it flickered. Lee cleared his throat and started the commentary.
"The dog eared non-classified creature attacks with the agility of a cat, striking Gourry with an amazing blow. He then starts a new attack but Gourry darts out of the way just in time."
Kagome clenched her teeth and made a fist, "His name is Inuyasha!"
Bags of peanuts started pelting Kagome from all sides. Lee had received top marks for his peanut gallery hex.
"Gourry attacks with the agility of a cat, striking Inuyasha with an amazing blow. Gourry then attacks with amazing speed and Inuyasha just can't evade it. Gourry attacks with the agility of a cat, striking Inuyasha with an amazing blow."
Lina hollered at Lee for using the same lame commentary over and over, especially when it didn't match the action in the stadium. Lee reconsidered hexing her when she started juggling fireballs.
"Inuyasha attacks with such cunning that Gourry is unable to avoid the mighty blow. Gourry tries to attack but Inuyasha skillfully dodges the clumsy attempt. But wait, Gourry has started an attack so suddenly that Inuyasha has no chance to take evasive action. He takes the hit, then retaliates, brutally swinging his weapon at Gourry but the dexterous opponent sidesteps the attack. Inuyasha furiously attacks Gourry, but what's this? He's tripped on his shoelace! Just listen to the crowd roaring over that miss."
The Knight Bus rolled in just in time to save Lee from his public. A short wizard in white robes had Lee restrained and the stadium dissolved in a flash, mumbled an apology, then the bus left with a sharp crack.
"How much worse can this day get," Kagome whined before she realized what she was saying.
"Oh, shit," Lina said piously.
Right on cue they heard a dragon's bugle and the high voice of Sesshoumaru's retainer.
"You stupid girl! What have you done to Sesshoumaru-sama?"
"Ah, hrmm. I, uh, helped him?"
"Because of you, there's not a single houseplant in the castle that hasn't been denuded of leaves! And that includes my…" Jaken started to cry, "that includes my bonsai trees! My lovely friends are dead, sniff… some of them I've had for five hundred years… AND THEY ARE DEAD BECAUSE OF YOU!"
"Jaken, I'm sure there's something that can be done for them…"
"Be QUIET! You are coming with me right now to fix this problem before he gets to his mother's prize roses."
Lina frowned, mumbling to herself, "They have prize roses in Japan?"
She was saved from everything except a ferocious glare when Inuyasha stepped up to the plate with his line.
"You're not taking Kagome anywhere!"
"She's coming with me!"
"Like you can beat me!"
"Shut up and lay your cards out!"
Inuyasha shuffled his deck and laid out his cards. After looking over them he decided to put his Skeletal Dragon into play.
"Ha, I've already got you beaten. That may have a 99999/99999 rating but I have…
Dun dun dun!
don'tcha love the suspense
" … the Rin card! She goes into play immediately and wreathes you with flowers! No one can defeat the adorableness of this card."
Inuyasha hung his head in shame. Beaten by a frog.
"I'm not a frog! I'm an imp!"
Kagome found herself on the dragon and flying away before she knew it.
"Wait, Jaken! I didn't get to do my line."
"Better hurry before you're out of range, hadn't you?"
Far below she heard the cry, "Kagome!"
"That's it, this chapter is over! You can shut up now. I'm warning you, you open your…"
A red glow lit the area all around the forest as Lina lost her temper.
Woohoo! Another chapter in the can, I'm impressed. Thank you so much, I'm glad I liked it.
Lee's bad commentating courtesy of Monster's Game. At least I think it would have been, had I asked them. Which I didn't. You'll find that I don't ask permission for a lot of stuff… but I don't claim any of it as my own. Except the lip service comment, peanut gallery hex, Rin card, and the animal music scene. Those are mine, lobster not included. Unless you'll believe me when I tell you it has nothing to do with any other singing lobsters out there.
Next time: Will Jaken's bonsai trees recover? What's with Sesshoumaru and plants? Who will be inflicted with a Mary Sue? Will Kagome ever meet up with Sango?
And if one in three soda caps win, why have I opened seven and haven't had a winner yet?