Disclaimer: Don't own them and all that jazz…
A/N: I was bored, very, very bored and this popped into my head so I thought I'd write it down. It probably isn't the greatest, but it was funny in my head at the time. :- )
It was a well known fact that a sick Reno was an annoying Reno. Rude didn't want to think that Reno could get anymore annoying then he was when he wasn't sick; but the sniffling man in the bed in front of him was proving him wrong.
'Here Reno, it's the last box in this place so make it last.' Rude tossed the box of tissues to him. He tried to hide the aggravation from his voice, but only half succeeded.
Reno was aware of how much he was annoying Rude. He was feeling better then he was a day ago, but he was enjoying driving Rude insane. He figured he'd be "sick" for at least another day; maybe two.
'Thanks partner. Hey, why are you being such a dick to your sick best friend? I could be dying here for all you know and you're just standing there, tossing things at me.'
'No, Rufus is dying. You will live through this. It's only a stupid cold Reno, you'll be fine.'
Reno looked at Rude with sad eyes. 'You might think it's only a cold Rude. What if it's something more then that? You'll regret saying that to me when I'm dead from this mystery illness.'
Rude slumped his shoulders and sighed. 'The only thing I regret Reno is that you didn't lose your voice. The silence the last time you were sick was pretty nice.'
'Rude! You can't honestly say that you didn't miss my happy talkative self can you?'
'Yes Reno, I can. Tseng appreciated it, so did Elena. I think Shachou did too. He didn't have your voice waking him up every other hour.'
'Elena was just saying that she liked the silence. I know she missed me and my witty conversation. Shachou is always sleeping and he's used to hearing me talk anyway, so that doesn't count. As for Tseng, he dislikes anything that disturbs the "wonderful, absolute silence" of this place. I wonder how pissed he'd be if I brought a radio in here and turned it up to something more then a whisper.'
'Heh, he'd probably hunt you down, torture you then leave you for dead. It would be interesting to see how exactly he'd torture you though. How about you bring that radio in and we can find out what he'd do?'
Reno let out a laugh. 'You know if I do, I'm taking you with me. After all, it would be your idea that would kill me. If I die because of it, the one that thought it up should die too.'
'Just because I thought of it doesn't mean I'd be stupid enough to actually do it. You'd be on your own for this one.' Rude found the whole idea of driving Tseng insane with a radio very amusing, but he didn't want to laugh about it in front of Reno; that would only encourage him.
A sneeze and a sniffle brought Rude out of his thoughts.
'Hey partner, there's not even a third of a box left in here. Can't you find some more of them around here for me? Think of this as a final request from a dying man. I know, asking someone to find more tissues is an odd final request, but hey, you work with what you got.'
Somehow, just being in the same room as a sick Reno was giving Rude a splitting headache.
Rubbing his temples, he sighed and replied; 'No Reno, there are no other tissues in this place.'
'Did you check Shachou's room?' He was pushing a little far, but Reno wanted all the tissues he could get.
Rude shook his head at Reno's question. 'No I did not go check Shachou's room. Rufus is sleeping right now and I don't want to disturb him.'
'Which means it's the perfect time to check! Go look for me Rude. I bet you his tissues are extra soft 3-plies with lotion or something like that. I mean, I only have these little 2-ply ones. I need that lotion softness Rude. Think of my poor nose here!'
Obviously, Reno had no shame. 'Reno, I am not going to steal tissues from my dying boss. 3-ply or 2-ply, a tissue is a tissue. Suck it up, be a man, live with the non-lotion kind and quit whining.'
Reno's eyes widened at his friend's comments. 'Live without lotion? You're cruel. It's not like he'll notice the absence of tissues. Besides, when Tseng sees there's none there he'll run and buy more just in case Shachou needs one. And whine? I don't whine. Name me one time when I whined or didn't take something like a man.'
'After the plate fell on Sector 7.'
'I took that my injuries like a man and I did not whine.'
'Reno, you told every pretty nurse that came to check on you that you were dying and that you were too young to die. You also tried to get a good bye kiss from each of them and told them to think of the kiss as fulfilling a dying man's wish.'
Reno huffed. 'Well it felt like I was going to die. I had a life threatening injury thank you very much.'
'You broke your leg Reno. A broken leg is not life threatening.'
'What if it would have got infected? I could have lost my leg or even died! That would have been disastrous.'
The more Reno talked, the more Rude could feel the vein in his temple throbbing. He decided he'd had enough of humoring Reno for the day. He wanted to get back to something less stressful; like guarding Rufus.
'Yes Reno, it would have been disastrous. We all would have mourned your loss and we never would have been the same again.'
'Ahh, I knew you cared about me partner.' Reno had known Rude long enough to know when he was joking and when his joke was meant as the truth.
'Yeah, yeah whatever. Enjoy the tissues and get to sleep. I have some painkillers to find for my head.' Rude turned to walk out of the room but was stopped by Reno.
'Don't forget to steal Shachou's box of tissues for me.'
'Reno, if I do that, both him and Tseng will kill me.'
Reno laughed at that. 'Well, yeah, they probably will. But just remember this; you'll be helping a dying friend by fulfilling his last wish.'
'If I die, I get a last wish too. Do you know what mine would be right now?'
Reno tensed slightly. 'Uhh, do I want to know?'
'Mine would be for Rufus and Tseng to come in here and take you out of your misery. I mean, you are on your deathbed after all right? They would be doing you a favor.' Rude hoped that would be enough to keep Reno quiet long enough to leave.
'Hmph, you're such an evil ass to me Rude.' Reno pouted at his partner then turned around and tried to go to sleep.
Rude laughed at his partner's reaction. 'Sometimes you make it too easy, Reno.'