Happy Birthday Itachi-kun!

By Sedona Parnham

Hey guys! Sorry for the wait! This is what has been keeping me from updating striking a pose! Its an entry for the Anime North Fanfiction contest (which I won two years ago) and I hope that it made it.

This is pure insanity. Hope you like!

Summary: It's the ninth of June… and Uchiha Itachi is turning eighteen. What horrors shall ensue when his three friends, Deidara, Sasori and Kisame try to make this day special? Will this be Itachi's best birthday ever or his last?


He knew it was going to be a bad day… he just knew it…

Blood red eyes opened a tad and gazed at the day-to-day calendar with sheer hate. Kisame had once again torn off the next sheet the night before, showing the next day early as if too eager to read the next little comic on the page.

June 9th… Itachi's birthday.

He had always kept his birthday quiet, making it seem like any other day. He never liked big birthdays… heck… he just never liked birthdays. He had been fortunate that he didn't need to fill out his birth date on his résumé. It had made his first few years of being an Akatsuki more enjoyable to say the least.

But then someone managed to find out. He wasn't sure if it was the day they had gotten him drunk on sake or if they searched through his ANBU records in Konoha… he didn't really care anymore. All he knew was that he got jumpy in the month of June and would react at the sound of his name in a conversation and anything that had the words 'birth', 'day' or 'party' in it. Well you couldn't blame him… it wasn't often that they mentioned anything about a party OR a present, unless by 'present' they meant an ambush or an attack on a helpless village.

Either way… they found out his birthday… and that was the end of it.

He glanced at the comic and could only chuckle bitterly at the cartoon. There was the little ninja walking in his vast space of nothingness, unaware to the anvil with a bow tied around it that was about to crush him into a shinobi pancake.

With a sigh, he pulled a pen out of the drawer on the nightstand and snatched the day-to-day calendar. Within a minute or so, the little ninja below had changed into Itachi and attached to the falling anvil now was a card reading 'Love Sasuke'.

He smirked at his creation and placed it back on the nightstand and proceeded in getting ready. He paused when he saw that the bed where Kisame slept was empty. His eyes narrowed to thin slits. Something was very wrong… Kisame NEVER woke up before Itachi.

He was going to have to be careful today… very careful…

He quickly dressed into his usual attire and tied his hair back at the base of his neck. He reached for his cloak and pulled it around him, sticking an arm in each sleeve. He froze again when a piece of paper fell out of the cloak and fluttered to the floor. The shinobi hesitantly picked it up, unfolding it and mentally bracing himself for the worst.

There it was… the four words he had been dreading to hear…

Happy Birthday, Uchiha Itachi!

His eyes closed and he took a deep breath. He knew it… today was going to be a living hell…

"Don't let your guard down, Uchiha…" he told himself darkly. "You'll never live it down."

With confidence now gained, the great Uchiha Itachi, mass murderer of the Uchiha Clan and proud member of the Akatsuki strode through the door and into the next room. He was completely thrown off by the eerie silence. He glanced around, his eyes searching for any sign of the shinobi, slightly surprised to find that nobody was there. Maybe they were giving him a decent birthday and leaving him alone for a change…

He smirked. Hah! Fat chance! When had they ever left him alone on his birthday? Last year they tried to drown Kisame (which failed miserably) the year before that they had used all their food to make a banquet and Deidara got drunk and decided to make fireworks outside with his clay birds. Unfortunately, this became a beacon for the ANBU searching for them and they were forced to wander to find a new hideout for three weeks and two days with Itachi's birthday cake as one of their few sources of food.

The corner of his eye twitched in pure irritation. He was now 18 and considered an adult. He knew this and unfortunately, everyone else did too.

He ventured further into the room, his Sharingan eyes scanning the closets and cupboards to find the rest of the Akatsuki. It was when he felt a thin piece of line against his ankle that he realized what they had done. His eyes widened as he moved to spin around but stopped as he felt a needle pierce his backside. The Uchiha swore under his breath, mentally scolding himself for falling for a measly trap like that as he fell to the ground. Distant cries were all he could hear before everything went black.


"Do you think he'll wake up soon?"

"Of course, you fool! It wasn't anything near lethal!"

"Hmm… maybe you overdosed a bit, Sasori."

"Are you questioning my knowledge of drugging and poison, you clay-eating cross dresser?"

"Of course not, fool… Hmm… Maybe you shouldn't have aimed the dart at his ass…"

"You can't tell what body part is where in these coats."

"Shut up both of you! Itachi's waking up!"

The raven-haired Akatsuki groaned, tensing as he felt a sharp pain in his right butt-cheek. Where was he? What had those idiots done to him? His eyes began to adjust to the light, frowning at the six heads above him.

"Took you long enough to wake up, Uchiha…" One of the two Sasoris said lazily. The two Deidaras smirked while the two Kisames chuckled.

"I hate you all…" was all he managed to say before he was pulled up into a sitting position and rested against what seemed to be a tree. He lifted one of his hands and rubbed his eyes to clear his vision. Deidara crouched down in front of the elder Uchiha and grinned.

"The great Uchiha Itachi is now 18!" He declared. "We have decided that because you're an adult now, we shall make this your best birthday ever!"

Itachi frowned. Who was the wonderful person who thought this up?" He asked darkly. Sasori pointed a finger towards Kisame, who immediately caught the I-will-kill-you-when-this-is-over glare.

"Where are we anyway…" Itachi then asked. He winced as a dizzy spell rushed through his head and he moaned again, clutching his skull. One of his weak points in the ninja academy was his immunity to poisons… but this was ridiculous!

"I told you that you overdosed." Deidara hissed. Sasori shrugged.

"He's alive, isn't he?" He then smirked. "Besides, all I used was some sake." Itachi winced. That explained it. Ninjas couldn't hold their alcohol… and its not like he really liked the stuff anyway… it was like demon urine in his opinion… too strong for his taste.

"Well hopefully we can help with that." Kisame sighed. The three Akatsuki stepped out of the way to give Itachi a good view of where they were. The Uchiha stared, slightly dazed at the view before him. It took him a moment or so to realize where he was, but when he did, he couldn't help but be impressed. There before them was the most amazing hot spring he had ever seen. The water created a gentle mist around the area, making him relaxed just from gazing at it. The bamboo between the men's and women's sides was cut in such a way that it looked natural yet elegant at the same time and the rocks that lay scattered about seemed to be organized perfectly like furniture.

"Welcome, Uchiha Itachi, to the borderline hot springs!" Deidara declared with a grin.

"It's one of the best hot springs on the continent." Kisame then started to explain. "It would be even better if there were women attending to our every will, but not many people know about it."

Itachi frowned. "How do I not know that you didn't kill every last person in the area and hide their bodies from me?" He asked. The three glanced at one another, then back at the questioning Akatsuki member. The next thing Itachi knew, he was pulled up, was stripped out of everything but his mesh shirt and pants and pushed in to the water. He quickly resurfaced and flung his long bangs out of his face, turning to glare at the remaining members of his group.

"Just shut up and enjoy yourself!" Deidara snapped. Itachi glared as he tried to pull himself up onto the surface of the water. It seemed that the poison in the dart had done something to affect his chakara. The usually stoic Uchiha sighed in frustration as he pulled off his mesh shirt and threw it at the blonde Akatsuki.

"Fine, but you can go on the women's side, Deidara… I can't tell if you're a man or a woman either way…"

Deidara's visible amber eye flickered in anger as he caught the shirt, but he said nothing. He glanced over to his left when he heard Kisame laugh.

"Can we just enjoy ourselves while we have the chance?" he asked in an amused tone. "I'm surprised the leader actually let us do this."

Itachi raised an eyebrow at this statement. "You mean he actually let you guys?"

"Of course." Sasori replied indifferently. "He didn't want Deidara to set off any of his clay birds again."

After a few more moments of bickering between the puppeteer and the sculptor, Itachi climbed out and went into the change room. Deidara and Kisame soon followed, while Sasori stayed behind, mentioning something about his body parts poisoning the water. The three returned and quickly went in the water, letting themselves relax for the first time in ages.

"So tell me… how many people did you kill?" Itachi started.

"Hmm…Its not that we came in and wiped them out…" Deidara huffed. "Some idiots recognized us and attacked us when we tried to get reservations."

Itachi frowned. "… please tell me that you weren't wearing the cloaks and head protectors…" he moaned.

"We didn't wear the cloaks!" Deidara cried. "And I didn't wear the bloody head protector!"

"Think of it this way, Itachi…" Sasori said as he stretched and leaned back against the stone wall. "I was left behind trying to take care of you… Kisame and Deidara went to get reservations." He sighed. "Kisame's a blue shark… and you can't tell if Deidara's a male or a female… That is suspicious enough."

"Hmm… you'll be splinters of wood when I'm done with you…" Deidara growled. Sasori chuckled and leaned against the wall again as he quietly savored the feeling of the steamy air.

"You never did tell me how many people you killed…" Itachi muttered.

"Most of them ran… Kisame huffed. "It was mainly all the idiots that tried to fight us."

"And that would be…"

"About twelve." Deidara sighed. "Unfortunately… I was hoping for more." He noticed Itachi's annoyed look and laughed. "Don't worry… there are other places where you can go and kill people…"

Itachi sighed and sunk into the water. "Which means I'll be dragged somewhere else, am I right?" The three of them nodded, smug smirks tugging on their faces. Itachi sighed and glanced down at some bubbles in the water that just surfaced beside him.

He froze. Wait… bubbles usually didn't usually form in these places... did they? His eye twitched as each bubble popped, releasing a horrible aroma in the steamy air.

"KISAME!"

The shark gave a sheepish grin as the blonde and raven haired Akatsuki members scrambled for shore. Deidara covered his mouth and nose with his hands and quickly escaped ahead of them. Itachi, with his chakara fully restored, climbed up on the surface and made a run for it, clutching the towel around his waist and bolted into the change room for some fresh air.

"Don't ditch me guys!" Kisame cried. "I can't help it! Takoyaki gives me gas!"


"Okay… that didn't go as planned…" Sasori sighed. Itachi growled and kept walking. He was knocked out by alcohol in his blood, dragged to some remote hot spring, thrown in with most of his clothes on, nearly suffocated by one of Kisame's gas-attacks, and now they planned more for him!

Today's birthday would probably be his last…

And the worst bit was he didn't have anything to take it out on!

His pace slowed when a traveler in old clothing walking past them caught his eye. He was carrying a huge sack that clinked whenever he moved, and the smug grin on his face told him that he hadn't won it.

"We're in need of some more money anyway…" He told himself quietly as he pulled out a kunai. With a flick of the wrist, a cry and a thump, the man was on the ground dead. A satisfied feeling spread through him as he lifted the bag and pocketed only a handful of the money inside.

"Its enough for food and other supplies." Itachi explained calmly . "Just take a bit. Whoever is chasing him will find the rest."

The three Akatsuki glanced at one another quickly before taking a small share of the money and hiding it in their red and black cloaks.

"Where are we going anyway?" Deidara soon asked, removing his straw hat from his head. Behind the white strips of cloth that hung in front of his face, Itachi smirked.

"We're going to pay a little visit to Konoha."


As the four missing-nins made it past the border and into the main city of Konoha, they were greeted by a massive festival. Itachi had explained that it was to celebrate the beginning of summer and usually happened during his birthday.

Before going into the town, they stripped of their cloaks and weapons and hid them safely in the woods before entering a store and buying festival kimonos. They bought a mask for Kisame with the money they had attained from the robber, knowing his skin would be spotted too easily. Both Deidara and Itachi let their hair down and painted their faces to hide any distinguishable features that the ANBU would recognize them by.

"Hmm… its been a while since I've been do a spring festival…" Deidara said as they wandered through the streets. Itachi, who had changed his usually red eyes to onyx, glanced over at the blonde missing nin.

"Its been a while since any of the Akatsuki have gone to a spring festival." He pointed out. Sasori chuckled, fiddling with the fan he had recently bought.

"And even now, we don't go as ourselves." He added with a smirk. "Considering that last time we pretty much trashed the place when we were found out." They all glanced at Kisame, whose face was hidden behind what seemed to be a dog of some sorts.

"You know… I can never seem to imagine Kisame as any animal but a fish…" Sasori muttered.

"Hmm… why didn't you choose another animal? You could have been a cat fish or something." Deidara said with a frown. Kisame growled and hit Deidara on the head.

"Shut up, would you?" he hissed. Itachi sighed and rounded a corner, slowing to a stop when he noticed a familiar sight.

"Come one come all! I challenge anyone who can oppose me!"

The four Akatsuki watched in amazement as the Kyuubi child stood up on his chair in front of the crowd, waving his arms around with a huge grin on his face.

"Nobody can eat more ramen than I!" he declared happily. Deidara stepped forward eagerly, his eyes set on the fox.

"Should we snatch him now?" He asked eagerly. Itachi stepped forward, shaking his head.

"Not today, Deidara." He replied calmly. "But I do indeed have business with the fox child…"

The other three Akatsuki watched in amazement as Itachi made his way through the crowd, making his way up towards Naruto.

"I'll take you up on that bet." Itachi said calmly, gazing steadily at the orange clad ninja. Naruto glanced down and smirked.

"Bring it on! I'll beat you anyday!"

Itachi glanced at the sign, noting silently that the winner got twenty thousand yen. He made his way to the seat beside Naruto and waited for the first bowl to be served. He lifted up his chopsticks silently, hearing people in the crowd behind him cheering. He glanced over his shoulder, noting that the three missing nin were watching him intently, wondering what he was up to.

"Miso!" The two ninjas declared, getting to work on their ramen as it was immediately set down in front of them. Itachi knew that the ramen eating contests of Konoha had started long before Naruto's time as he himself watched his father fight for the money when he was a child. When he got older, he would enter them himself, amazing some of the biggest eaters with his large stomach capacity.

He only hoped that his stomach was as big as it used to be.

He delved his way through the first bowl of noodles and pushed it aside, calling for the second bowl. To his surprise, Naruto had called only a fraction of a second before he had. A small smirk spread on his face as the next bowl was placed down before him. Naruto was indeed a worthy opponent.

The two ate their way through eight bowls, then fourteen, then twenty. Itachi was starting to feel himself getting full as he glanced over again, noting that Naruto was indeed slowing down too as they hit their twenty second bowl. Beside him, that young pink haired girl that was so fond of Sasuke stood beside Naruto cheering him on. He laughed silently, taking note of how she had lost interest in his little brother for the time being.

He slurped up the last of the noodles as he raised his hand for his next bowl. His stomach felt like it would burst at any moment. He took one bite and immediately placed his chopsticks down, standing up.

"I give." Itachi said painfully. He was surprised, however, to hear the same words come out of the mouth of the blonde shinobi beside him. The two glanced at each other in slight surprise as the crowd (which had increased since the beginning of the contest) went silent. The chef glanced between the two, thoroughly surprised himself.

"It… It's a tie…" He finally said. "A TIE!" His hands raised as the crowd erupted into cheers again. The pink haired girl that was cheering beside Naruto seemed too shocked for words as she gazed up at the one who tied with the ramen-eating champion. Naruto did as well, a smile on his face.

"You were amazing!" he declared. "Its great to have some competition in these things!" Itachi nodded in reply, silently noting that the pink-haired girl was staring at him curiously.

"Are you from around here?" she asked. "You look really familiar." In his mind, Itachi felt himself begin to panic, but he kept his face stoic as usual.

"Sorry, but I'm not. I'm heading down south and stopped here for the spring festival." He replied casually. He had to say something… if he didn't tell these kids what they wanted to hear, he would be deemed suspicious to them, and that was the last thing he needed. Naruto frowned.

"I swear I've seen your face somewhere before." Naruto insisted. "Are you famous or something?"
Itachi felt the corner of his lip twitch slightly. "Of course not." With that, he spun on his heel, snatching the bag of money left for him on the table. "I'll make my leave now. Maybe I'll see you around sometime." Before the blonde ninja could protest, he let himself vanish in the crowd, leaving two dumbstruck children to ponder after him.

Itachi sighed as he rested against a tree a ways away from the celebration. He closed his eyes, feeling the noodles turn into indigestion. He winced as they churned in his gut, making him want to hurl all the more.

"Hmm… quite impressive Uchiha."

Deidara appeared before him, glancing down with his one visible eye. "I'm quite impressed, how'd you do it? I saw no jutsu."

"Maybe he just has a big stomach and we never knew." Sasori replied shortly after from above. He let himself hang upside down above Itachi's head, gazing at him thoughtfully as he ate some dumplings. "It's a surprise such a scrawny guy has such a big stomach."

"Its also a surprise…" Itachi countered with a frown, "… that any of you can handle Kisame's cooking."

"I heard that." Kisame's voice rang from the other side of the tree. The three sighed, knowing that they would return home that night to meet their impending doom.

"Well knowing the fox brat is after you… should we leave or lure him out and catch him?" Itachi glanced over at the festival and shook his head.

"Leave him be for today… there are too many witnesses." He replied quietly as he rubbed the make-up off his face. He let his eyes become red again as he tied his hair back. "Shall we get our stuff?" The three soon agreed as they headed towards the border to the area where their stuff had been left.

"It seems we're being followed…" Sasori finally declared as he finished off the dumpling and threw the stick away. Itachi sighed and turned around to see that same pink haired girl from before running towards them, having a hard time in her kimono.

"Hey wait!" She skidded to a halt before Itachi, turning up to glare. Her eyes widened in horror as she stepped back.

"I-I knew you looked familiar!" she gasped, immediately recognizing the face. Itachi stepped forward, grasping the girl's chin as he forced her to look at him.

"You didn't see us here." He whispered, his eyes finally locking with hers. The girl became strangely quiet and still, finally falling to the ground limp as if she had just fallen asleep right there. Itachi turned to the rest of the group, continuing on ahead of them.

"Where shall we go now, Itachi?" Kisame asked. "You seem to have where you're going all planned out.

In front of them, the other three were unable to see Itachi's smirk. "You'll soon see."


"The Sound Village?"

The three glanced at Itachi in awe as he pulled off his straw hat and gazed at the village thoughtfully.

"Of course." He replied quietly, glancing over at the others. "I think that you three will enjoy this just as much as I will."

Itachi began to walk, the other three following behind him silently. Deidara glanced at the other two, who shared the same uneasy expression he was wearing.

"Hmm… do you guys think Itachi's going to get this birthday thing carried away?" Deidara whispered. The two nodded.

"You know Itachi… always has a way to get back at us for something…" Deidara scowled at the shark who had spoken.

"We didn't do anything wrong. I think he just hates you for trying to suffocate us with your indigestion."

"Would you just shut up about that?" Kisame shot back. Itachi turned and glared at the three of them.

"Quit talking about me behind my back." Itachi called over his shoulder. "It's the first time I've actually gotten to celebrate decently. Let me have my fun."

The three watched as Itachi moved ahead at a quick pace. It was now late afternoon as they reached their destination, leaving them to guess that this was one of Itachi's last stops. The raven-haired missing-nin slowed down slightly, glancing over at the other three.

"Sasori… do you have any more of those darts?" He then asked. The redhead blinked and nodded, surprised by his question.

"I always carry them." The sand ninja reassured. Itachi nodded.

"I think we'll need a couple for this next mission."

The three could only stare after him in surprise as he continued his journey deeper into the Sound Territory. It wasn't until they went into the woods that they realized his plan…

He was going for Orochimaru.

None of them slowed their pace down until the old shrine came into view. Itachi glanced up at it in disinterest before entering silently. He silently noted the eerie silence of the deserted building. He was at least expecting some worthless ninja of his to jump out and attack him. The Uchiha ventured further inside, slightly curious to know if there were any traps to hinder his journey. He could hear the light ruffle of the other Akatsuki cloaks behind him along with the sound of Sasori loading his poison dart just in case they met anyone along the way.

To their surprise, the four had no encounters whatsoever. It seemed that everyone had left. But even so, he could still sense a hindering presence somewhere in the temple. Itachi, now quite impatient, activated his Sharingan and scanned the walls for any sign of Orochimaru. Sure enough, as he looked through one of the walls on his right, he spotted a sleeping figure with long black hair and pale skin.

"Found him." Itachi said as he moved towards the door. He quickly pushed open the sliding door and sped in, pulling out a kunai and diving toward the slumbering body. He could only curse silently when he discovered the body to be nothing more than snake skin.

"Uchiha Itachi? What a surprise!"

Itachi turned around calmly, facing the old snake. Orochimaru chuckled and flicked some of the long, greasy hair out of his face. Itachi gazed back calmly, waiting for him to speak.

"I can surely tell you, Itachi, that I wasn't expecting you to come here." He explained, his raspy voice sounding like kunai on a chalkboard. "I'm sure your little brother would be absolutely delighted to know you're visiting.

Itachi frowned. This was where his little brother had run off to? He should have just killed him while he had the chance instead of letting him make the idiotic decision to run along after this… this thing!

"Well I can only pray that my little brother's soul is saved after working with a piece of scum such as you." The Akatsuki drawled, glancing down at his black nails as if to check if there were scratches. "But now is not the time for that. I have some other business with you."

The Akatsuki stepped forward, reaching into his pocket. Orochimaru glanced down at his hand and placed his hands together in case he had to perform a jutsu. Itachi smirked and pulled the item he was after out of the dark confides of his cloak, leaving Orochimaru stunned.

"A… business card?" he asked. It wasn't until he felt the sharp prick in his behind that he realized what the plan had been all along. The sound nin stumbled forward slightly and fell to his hands and knees. Itachi put on one of his rare smirks and crouched down, holding the card up to his face. The bold letters on the card were the last thing he saw before passing out.

YOU HAVE JUST BEEN P'WNED BY THE AKATSUKI!


Itachi sighed and glanced over at the stool where Orochimaru sat. After he had been knocked out, Kisame had hauled him over his shoulder and was soon lead to a nearby bar in the Sound village which was well known for its delicious demon urine- er… sake. They hadn't left the shrine quietly, however, for just as they reached the gates, a dark figure had jumped out, screaming Itachi's name. He soon recognized the face of his little brother and defeated him quickly, lecturing him afterward on his poor choice of trainer. Itachi then knocked the younger sibling out before they continued on their way.

The Uchiha sighed and looked back down at Orochimaru. His head was resting uncomfortably on the table and his hair was spread out all over the place, making him look like some oddly dressed woman. If he hadn't been snoring, people would have guessed he was dead. Itachi scowled at the grotesque sight before glancing at the other three members of the Akatsuki.

"Please tell me I didn't look this humiliating this morning." He growled. The shark, the puppet and the sculptor glanced between one another until turning back to Itachi, shaking their heads furiously with wide grins on their faces.

"Of course not!" Deidara cried, raising his hands up in defense. "You slept like a rock!" Itachi could only glare before turning back to the snake that had just begun to stir. He groaned and lifted his head, gazing around at the surrounding area groggily. His hazy eyes soon turned to meet the four cloaked men and he frowned, not entirely sure of the current situation.

"Drink this." Itachi instructed, holding out a small cup of sake. The pale man glanced at the cup with hazy amber eyes and soon complied, taking it in his hands and swallowing it. The Uchiha could only cringe at the nasty smell of the alcohol mixed with other unknown aromas. He was happy enough to be in a part of the country where next to nothing was known about the Akatsuki, and for that he was grateful because it was one of the few places where didn't have to shed his cloak indoors. In this old tavern, the men were either too drunk or too stupid to notice the red and white clouds that decorated his coat. He glanced down at his black nails as a scantily-clad waitress tried to get comfortable on his lap. The leaf ninja absentmindedly pushed her off, sending her to the floor as he asked for another water from the bartender.

"And what about for your friend there?" he asked, glancing down at the drunken Orochimaru on his left. Itachi rested his head on his hand and smirked.

"Some more sake for him." He replied calmly. Orochimaru lifted his head up and nodded, seeming to like the idea himself.

"Why did you take Orochimaru out for some drinks?" Deidara asked with a frown, flicking some of the blonde hair out of his face. Kisame chuckled as he drank his water.

"Let's just wait and see… I'm sure that either way, we'll enjoy it."

The three watched as Itachi shook the older man's shoulder lightly, making him raise his head to face him.

"So… Orochi…" He drawled, leaning against the table. "I can call you that right?"

"Of… of course." Orochimaru replied between burps. "You can call me anything you want!" Itachi nodded patiently, biding his time.

"Orochimaru… are you by any chance… gay?" He then asked. Kisame spit his drink out of his mouth, Deidara choked on the dumpling he was eating, and Sasori fell out of his chair in shock. The snake blinked and glanced over, quite surprised by this question.

"What are you talking about? Of course not!" he cried. Itachi frowned.

"Then what are your intentions with Sasuke?" he then asked. Orochimaru shook his head fervently, waving his hands in front of him in defense. The small dish of sake he had been holding at the time still had a bit left and the drops ended up on Itachi's face, making the Akatsuki twitch involuntarily.

"I'm getting on in years." Orochimaru explained groggily. "My original body isn't as great as it used to be… and his seems to be in tip top shape…"

Itachi shuddered. Just the thought of Sasuke with such greasy black hair and long tongue- Okay he was stopping there.

"Orochi…" Itachi patted his back almost hesitantly. "Please do me this favor… don't use Sasuke as your body…" He cringed again. "I mean… someone needs to revive the Uchiha clan… and I don't think I'm up for it."

"Why's that?" the snake slurred, leaning towards Itachi, who in turn, leaned away from him. "I could help you with that, beautiful."

Itachi's once calm and composed expression turned into that of horror and panic as he lost his balance on his stool and fell back. He quickly supported himself by catching the table and hoisting himself upright once again. He could hear stifled laughter coming from the table where the remaining Akatsuki sat as Orochimaru continued his advances.

"I thought you said you weren't gay!" Itachi stammered. The sound nin laughed.

"I'm not a woman!" he grinned, placing a hand on Itachi's thigh. Those two things made the stoic man snap. Blood red sharingan eyes started spinning madly as his foot came up and planted itself over Orochimaru's puckered up lips. The stunned ninja fell backwards onto the ground, his pale face now adorned with a red footprint. The Akatsuki stood up, tossing around the idea of using the snake man's body as a piñata as he glared down at him. His eyes closed and he let himself calm down before turning on his heel and headed towards the door. The bartender glanced over and called out, asking about payment.

"He'll take care of it." Itachi replied coolly, pointing to the unconscious traitor. The man glanced down and picked up a broom, poking the ninja with the end from over the counter and trying to wake him up.

Itachi walked out of the tavern quickly, trying to put as much distance between him and the building as he could. The other three Akatsuki followed, but stayed a great deal behind. The anger radiating from Itachi's body could be sensed from miles around.

He came to a halt in front of the Sound Nin's hideout, a frown etched on his face. He closed his eyes as he recollected the thoughts on why he was so angry.

One, it was his birthday, two, his brother was going to be used as a spare body when Orochimaru grew tired of his own… and the main reason he was down right pissed off?

The drunken idiot thought he was a GIRL!

His eyebrow twitched in pure irritation. Sure, he looked a lot like his mother, but it wasn't like he had an hourglass body or breasts! His figure wasn't feminine at all! Was it the hair?

He let out a long, aggravated sigh, and walked through the main doors again. Well at least he could solve one of his problems.

Meanwhile, Sasori, Kisame and Deidara stood in the trees a good distance away from the shrine. The three watched in silence as Itachi walked through the doors and into the darkness.

"What do you think he's up to?" Kisame wondered aloud. Deidara cocked his head to the side, still gazing intently at the doorway.

"Hmm… we'll find out soon enough." He replied lazily. Sasori mumbled something in agreement.

There was silence for the first couple moments, followed by an angry cry form within the halls. There were several more muffled sounds along with a couple crashes before Itachi emerged again, carrying an unconscious Uchiha Sasuke under his arm. His hands were bound and his mouth was gagged to keep him quiet in case he started to stir. Itachi shot the three a knowing smirk before heading off.

"We're going to make one last quick trip to Konoha tonight." He explained. The three unconsciously shivered at the sound of his unusually cheery voice before reluctantly following him. As they got further away, Itachi soon began to pick up the pace and soon enough, the four of them were racing from tree to tree as they headed for the border. The hours passed by quickly without him realizing and soon the gates of the great Konoha were in view.

Itachi slowed to a stop before the gates, quickly spotting the ninjas in hiding.

"Don't kill them." Itachi whispered to Kisame. The shark opened his mouth to protest, but the look in Itachi's eye kept him quiet. "Just knock them out. I don't want to be known here for a massacre on my own birthday."

The three reluctantly agreed and each shot out in their own direction, knocking out every ninja on patrol. Itachi chuckled to himself before focusing the chakara in his arm and single handedly pushing one of the gate doors open. He stepped past the barrier, glancing around at the surroundings that used to be so familiar to him. He smiled almost nostalgically before taking his younger brother and tossing him to the ground. The now conscious boy glanced up in anger and surprise from the ground. Itachi looked down calmly before crouching down and poking him in the forehead just as he had done so many years ago.

"You'll thank me for this later." Itachi said before standing up and turning away, walking through the gates where he met up with the three other Akatsuki. He glanced up at the moon and smirked to himself before they started walking.

"We're not going to make it back by tomorrow." Sasori said with a frown. "Why don't we find a place to rest before heading back tomorrow?"

"Hmm… I have to agree with you, Sasori." Deidara replied lazily.

"Oh that reminds me." Kisame said, sticking a hand into his cloak. He pulled out a small wrapped up bundle. Itachi took it and glanced over at the other three who were watching him expectantly. He sighed and untied the knot on the top and let the cloth slide off. There inside was a small, cartoony version of Orochimaru made of cardboard and Paper Mache. His hands and feet stuck out straight at funny angles and a tongue was painted on his face almost tauntingly. He shook the small figure, hearing the sound of candy rattling inside. He glanced over at the other three who stood there grinning.

"A piñata?" He questioned. The three nodded.

"We got it from the festival in Konoha and had it custom made for you." Sasori explained. "We weren't sure if you liked candy or not, but we knew that you would enjoy smashing Orochimaru to bits any day."

Itachi was surprised. He hadn't expected them to actually get him something. He chuckled to himself, letting them see the amusement in his eyes. That was fit enough for a silent thank you.

"So where are we headed now, hmm?" Deidara asked as he swung an arm around Itachi's shoulder. Usually the Uchiha was one that hated to be touched, but today he let it slide. They had given him one of the most enjoyable days he had had in years.

"Home I guess." Itachi replied as he tucked the piñata under his arm. "In an hour or so, my birthday will be officially over so I see no point in staying.

He paused, hearing the commotion of Sasuke's arrival at the gates of Konoha. He smirked to himself as he heard the shriek of that same pink-haired girl from earlier and what sounded like a punch.

"Well… maybe we could see what happens to my brother first…"

END


Epilogue…

Orochimaru groaned as he felt cold water splash over his face. His eyes opened and he sat up, feeling a sharp pain in his head as a hangover rushed through him. His amber eyes opened up to meet with a very annoyed looking bartender.

"Took you long enough to wake up." He growled. "You've been snoring for hours!"

Orochimaru frowned. "What? Where am I?"

The bartender seemed quite annoyed now. "Don't play stupid. Your friends said that you'd pay the tab."

"Friends…" Orochimaru thought back to when Itachi appeared at his hideout… he remembered some raven-haired woman talking to him and then everything went black." He glanced up.

"How much do I owe?" He asked. The bartender lifted up a piece of paper and held it in front of his face.

A blood-curdling scream could be heard across the continent.

THE REAL END!


Yes, that concludes my broken brain's idea. Hope you guys liked it. REVIEW DAMNIT!