A/N: 'Tis the last chapter… (sob!) I've had such a great time writing this story and glad that I had the chance to expand and grow in my writing. And I would love to thank all of my lovely reviewers for faithfully reading the story all this time and putting up with my writer's block and late updates. :D You guys are awesome! Now, on to the chapter.
And also, I know there's a great debate about whether or not it's Madam Giry or Meg in the auction house with Raoul. In this story it's Meg so… there.
Disclaimer: I don't own Phantom of the Opera and after the second one comes out I don't think I'll want to. I could be wrong though.
Narrator: And now we are back at the beginning of the story. Raoul is old again and has to be pushed in a wheelchair and is still leaving the Opera House after the auction.
Raoul: Must you push so hard down the stairs? (glares at the nurse) I could feel my fake teeth rattling!
Nurse: If you call me a Flying Nun again then… yes.
Raoul: (sticks tongue out)
Nun: (rolls eyes and walks off for no apparent reason)
Meg: What did you want that monkey for?
Raoul: (jumps) Good gracious… where in the hell did you come from?
MegIt's a Giry thing… all us Giry women can do it after a certain age.
Raoul: Right… I almost forgot.
Meg: Are you going to answer my question?
Meg: What?! That's so incredibly rude!
Raoul: I'll only answer if you go on a date with me.
Meg: Aren't you supposed to be grieving Christine's death and remain faithful to her for the rest of your wrinkled life?
Raoul: Oh yeah…
Raoul: But if I wasn't would you go out with me?
Meg: Only if Hell freezes over. And even then… no.
Raoul: It was worth a shot.
Meg: (is exasperated) Yes, and it's been 'worth a shot' for pretty much your entire existence!
Raoul: I can't help it you're hot. Or at least… you were hot.
Meg: (expression grows dark) This conversation is SO over right now.
Raoul: So you don't like it when I compliment you but you don't want me to call you ugly either? Make up your mind woman!
Meg: (hits Raoul with her handbag. She was out of fish.) Leave! Now!
Raoul: (grabs head in pain) Fine! I'm going to Christine's grave… (motions Nurse to wheel him to the car which she does)
Meg: What a pig… what a useless, selfish, inconsiderate… (pause) Wait a minute. He never answered my question. (glares after Raoul's retreating car) He's good.
(Thirty minutes later)
Nurse: We're here sir. (goes to open door and help Raoul back into wheelchair) What are you in a wheel chair for anyway?
Raoul: (pointedly ignores Nurse's question) What? We're here already? Man… that must have been one heck of a nap I took.
Nurse: (accidentally jabbed Raoul in the back while pulling him into wheelchair)
Raoul: OW!! (looks around for the source of pain)
Nurse: (rolls eyes) Just go see your wife's grave already and get it over with old man.
Raoul: FINE! No need to be so pushy! (wheels himself away and grumbles) I'm too old for this…
Narrator: Now, what really happens (even in the parody universe) is that Raoul stops in front of Christine's gravestone and stares lovingly and tearfully at it for about ten minutes. Then he happens to look down and sees that Christine's original engagement ring is sitting on the headstone and he looks around in confusion for The Phantom. Of course, no one is there and Raoul is left to wonder whether the Phantom could really live that long. The dude would have to be about a hundred years old!
But I thought that was kinda boring. This is what should have happened.
Raoul: Oh Christine… why did you have to dive after the shiny object? Why?! (begins to cry a little)
Nurse: Crybaby… (goes to sit in car and wait)
Raoul: (sniffle) I'm such an emo and depressed old man! (begins to cry harder)
Mysterious Voice: Are you crying again?
Raoul: Who's that?
Mysterious Voice: A mysterious voice. What did you think I was?
Raoul: I'm still not really sure…
Mysterious Voice: (sigh) Take a wild guess then.
Raoul: Are you Christine come back to visit me?
Mysterious Voice: How dare you think that Christine sounds like a man! This is very CLEARLY a man's voice.
Raoul: That's what YOU think. (eye roll) And apparently you never heard Christine after just waking up in the morning. My god she sounded just like a…
Mysterious Voice: I'm not listening! Lalalalalala!
Raoul: Childish much?
Mysterious Voice: I know you are but what am I?
Raoul: Oh come out you coward and face me! (wheels around in circles, looking for the mysterious voice)
Mysterious Voice: You insolent fool! I am right here! (an old and decrepit old man comes into view, scowling and leaning against his walker. He has a mask over half of his face)
Raoul: (gasp!) Who are you?
Phantom: I am the… Phantom of the Opera! (swooshes cape feebly with a wild grin) And you are SO going down! (pauses to cough into a handkerchief)
Raoul: I don't believe it… (sees ring dangling from Phantom's neck) Is that Christine's old engagement ring?
Phantom: Why yes it is… she left it behind as a token of her love! You see, she really loved me all along and this ring proves it!!
Raoul: You liar!
Phantom: I know you are but what am I?
Raoul: Why you little… (starts to wheel forward fiercely)
Phantom: (chucks his big metal walker at Raoul)
Raoul: (wheelchair is blasted back from the impact and tips over) Ah! (falls to the ground)
Phantom: (limps over slowly to Raoul) I've got you no-
Raoul: (hooks cane around Phantom's ankle) Aha!
Phantom: (trips and falls) What the…?
Raoul: That's for nearly strangling me!
Phantom: (spits dentures at Raoul)
Raoul: GAH! (holds face where dentures had hit)
Phantom: Hats or aking istine! (Translation: That's for taking Christine!)
Raoul: My eyes are burning! When did you last clean these?
Raoul: (reaches out feebly with fist) Take that! (taps Phantom's mask and it falls off)
Phantom: Argh! (tries to find mask again but can't)
Raoul: Have you gone blind? (snigger)
Phantom: (whines, puts dentures back in) Not legally! (pouts) At least I'm not in a wheel chair!
Raoul: Touché. (pause) Why are you even still alive?
Phantom: I'm the Phantom… I live forever!
Raoul: Oh… (suddenly opens a bottle of pills and crams some down Phantom's throat) Take your medication you sicko!
Phantom: (gag) I need water to swallow my pills! (whips out mirror while still choking) Look at yourself you fop! You're old!
Raoul: (sees himself in mirror) AAAAHHH!!! GET IT AWAY FROM ME!!! (shields ugly face in wrinkled hands) Last time I saw myself I had to get shock therapy to erase the image!
Phantom: (cackles) Now you know what it feels like to be UGLY!!
Raoul: (sob) No I'm not! (tries to strike handsome pose but cracks neck loudly) Ow!!!
Phantom: You might need to see a doctor for that.
Raoul: You might need to see a doctor for this! (takes ugly top hat and whacks Phantom in the face with it)
Phantom: Leave my poor mangled face alone!
Both: (continue to wrestle feebly in the dirt while shouting insults at each other)
Nurse: (away in the distance, clearly forgotten by Raoul and Phantom) Maybe I should break it up… they could seriously hurt themselves. (pause) Nah. (starts car and drives away in satisfaction) Maybe next time he won't call me a Flying Nun! Humph!
Narrator: As the nun drove away the two elderly folks were starting to get tired.
Raoul: I (gasp) haven't moved this much for (gasp) ten years!
Phantom: I haven't even been outside for… (gasp) forty! (gasp)
Raoul: I think I need to take a nap… (gasp)
Phantom: Me too… (eyes are drooping down)
Raoul: But when I wake up were are so… continuing this…
Phantom: Oh you know it!
Raoul: I'm taking you out!
Phantom: Your long girlish hair is mine!
Raoul: It's gonna be a smackdown, foo!
Phantom: You better enjoy your last nap!
Both(look at each other and then collapse fully on the ground, fast asleep) (snore)
Narrator: And then… wherever it was that Christine was watching them from…
Christine: (restored to her youthful image) Oh… what a lovely tribute to my memory! (sniff) Some people get a parade or a day of the year named after them. But no, I get two old men trying to fist fight. (huff) That shiny thing was SO worth it if they were gong to act like that in front of me! (storms away) (mutters) Stupid men…
Narrator: The end.
Raoul: (wakes up) Hey… where am I? What am I doing on the ground? Where's Christine?
Phantom: Oh just shut UP already… go back to sleep whoever you are. (begins to go back to sleep) Don't worry precious… the stupid fop will be quiet or we will make him quiet. Yes… we will make him…
Raoul: Who are you talking to?
Phantom: (to Raoul) No one… (to himself) Precious. (instantly falls back asleep)
Raoul: (shrug) Whatever. (goes back to sleep)
Narrator: Now it's really the end.
(Some random and weird Minnie Driver song that no one will remember tomorrow begins to play as the credits roll)
Narrator: Now… NOW it's the end.
A/N: Sorry this one was so short but… I had a pretty short scene to work with. Hopefully this worked though… I would have loved to see an old man fight in the end. (cackles) Please leave me a review… for old times sake maybe?? Thanks!