A/N: My first story, probably my only one. It's based off of Groucho Marx's short speech in Duck Soup right before they go to war (if anyone hasn't seen Duck Soup I highly recommend they go to the store and rent/buy it, NOW).
Disclaimer: I do not own FMA.
"Brother, this arguing been going on for too long," Alphonse chided his brother Edward, the famous FullMetal Alchemist, as they were walking down the streets of Central on the way back from Colonel Roy Mustang, Flame Alchemist's office. "Maybe you should try to work things out with him."
"Yeah, right, Al," Ed snorted. "I will never stoop so low as to 'apologize' to that bastard colonel."
Al just sighed, as best as a suit of armor could at least. He had heard every name ever known to man (and some not) thrown at the Colonel by his brother, had heard every reason not to like the Colonel despite Al thinking he was an okay guy. He didn't actually hear what his brother and the Colonel talked about during their meetings but it always left Ed in a foul mood, and usually always for similar reasons of "being a cocky bastard" or "constantly making fun of my height for no damn reason".
"Come on, Brother. I know Colonel Mustang likes to tease you but I'm sure he means no harm by it. Please, just go try to settle things," Al tried to reason. "Besides, everyone else is starting to get just as annoyed by the constant shouting that comes from his office. Ms. Hawkeye is especially starting to look displeased."
Ed just glared at his hulking brother and huffed.
They continued to walk down the streets to their apartment, Ed grumbling profanities and random insults under his breath. Finally he stopped and stood silent until Al looked back at him.
"Fine, if it's causing that much trouble then I'll go back and make peace with that damned bastard. It wouldn't be too hard to go back their and try to reason with him if it's to keep sanity at the office. I'll just walk in and tell him that I'm willing to make bygones be bygones, and offer him my hand. And despite his being an arrogant son of a bitch, I feel confident that he'll come to see how foolish he's been and accept my offer."
"That's much better, Brother," Al sighed with relief, beginning to walk back towards the Central Headquarters building.
"But suppose he decides to keep up his bullheadedness. That'd be just like him, I hold out my hand of forgiving and forgetting and he refuses it. That'll sure add a lot to my reputation around the office, not to mention what might happen if it went public. Me, the famous FullMetal Alchemist, hero to the people, snubbed by that egotistical, pompous, stuck up, I'm-holier-than-thou bastard of a colonel." Ed started turning red at this point.
Al threw up his hands in defeat, seeming fed up with this and continued walking on. "Brother..."
Ed stomped after him, nearly yelling at this point. "I'm serious, Al, just think about it. It's something he'd do just to piss me off. Who does he think he is that he can just snub me like that anyway? I bet he'd do it just to keep up appearances in his office, too, while also adding in some stupid, snide remark about my height. He'll never get away with that, Al, mark my words he'll never get away with that! I'll smash his face in! That no good, lazy assed, fucker! He's dead!"
By this time they had made it back to Headquarters where Ed proceeded to march into the building and straight to said no good, lazy assed, fucker's office. The others in the office were startled to see FullMetal back, not to mention scared and confused as to why he would be so angry. Al scrambled in after his brother, murmuring apologies to everyone as Ed continued into the Colonel's office, slamming open the door and marching in.
Roy Mustang was most certainly surprised to see the FullMetal shrimp back in his office. And here he had thought they were done for the moment until FullMetal decided to mess something else up.
He smoothed out his expression, cocking his head and leaning it onto his hand propped up by his elbow. "Why, FullMetal. What are yo--"
He got no further as Edward had immediately clapped his hands together and glared daggers at the man behind the desk. "So you dare humiliate me by refusing my hand of good fellowship and make fun of my height even more! You're dead, Mustang!" Ed shrieked out before slamming his hands down with hard, angry slaps, blasting the Flame Alchemist's office (along with the Flame Alchemist) out from the building.
Mustang's subordinates could only stare at what Ed had done as they had had no time to react, even Riza Hawkeye still stunned as Ed stormed out of the building and back to his apartment, an embarrassed and slightly angry Al trailing after him.
Mustang arrived back at the office 45 minutes later, scraped and bruised, looking extremely pissed off. He limped (and tried to stride) over to where his subordinates were and gritted through clenched teeth, "What. The. Hell. Was. That?"
No one of course could answer, but Havoc being Havoc piped up, "I think it's time to send him back and get another one, boss."
He barely made it out of the office unscathed or burnt.
The next day Roy Mustang and the rest of his men (and woman) came to the building to find the Colonel's office rightfully in it's spot with a note on the office door.
In chicken scratch, Mustang clearly got the message of 'I HATE YOU'. No signature was necessary.