AN: Hello there. This is purely humor. With some naughty language, a hint of slash, and some sexual references. Good fun, no?
Disclaimer: Harry Potter belongs to J.K. Rowling. I'm just using them and twisting them around for my own sick amusement.
Why the Ministry of Magic Are Morons
"'Severus Snape, thirty-seven, was found dead yesterday at approximately 7:30 p.m. in his office at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. Harry Potter and Ron Weasley have been arrested for his murder,'" Harry read. He, Hermione, and Ron were sitting in the common room on Christmas morning, reading the Daily Prophet. "Good, the bastard's dead. Best damn Christmas present I ever got."
Hermione took the newspaper from him and reread it, looking confused. "'Taken into custody'? You're sitting right here! How have they---"
At that moment there was a scream and a crashing sound as about twenty Aurors tumbled into the Gryffindor common room. One stood up, brushed off his robes, grabbed Harry and Ron by the ears, and dragged them through the portrait hole. The remaining Aurors stood around awkwardly for a moment, then followed the other Auror hurriedly.
"Well," said Hermione, "that was rather unnecessary." She shrugged and ran up to her dorm to re-read Hogwarts, A History.
Two days later, Harry and Ron were sitting in one of the courtroom at the Ministry of Magic, being questioned by the Minister, Cornelius Fudge, who was sitting behind a podium, wearing judges' robes and a powdered wig. He had a gavel in his hand.
"Where were you on the night of February twenty-second, 1980?" he demanded.
Harry and Ron looked at each other. "We were... er..." Ron began.
"In the womb," Harry finished.
"A likely story!"
"We haven't done anything!" Ron argued angrily.
"Do you deny that you hated Snape?" Fudge asked with a smug expression.
"I plead the fifth," Harry said. "But everyone else hated him---go question one of them."
"Silence! You are going to Azkaban for the rest of your lives, and it will be official once I bang my gavel!" Fudge swung the gavel high in the air---
"Stop!" a voice called from the door of the courtroom. "Harry and Ron are innocent!" It was Hermione, running toward them and waving a piece of parchment around in the air.
"Oh yeah?" Fudge said skeptically. "Prove it, bitch."
"I will, jackass." She shoved the parchment into his hand. "Read for yourself."
Fudge glared at her and took the parchment with a look of annoying superiority. the look slowly faded as he read further until he seemed intensely uncomfortable. When he finished he handed it back to her and said, "Right, well, you can go, then." He looked around suspiciously. "This never happened."
Harry took the parchment from Hermione after they flooed back to Hogwarts. "What is this, anyway?"
She grinned. "Snape's suicide note. I found it in his office."
Harry raised and eyebrow and read aloud, "'I, Severus Snape, have decided to take my own life. I simply cannot bear to see Remus Lupin, the love of my life, a whore to that bastard Sirius Black. If I have to live without Remus I'd rather not live at all.'"
"What the hell?" Ron said, grabbing the parchment.
"Snape killed himself because he's in love with Remus, but Remus is with Sirius," Hermione explained.
"Remus and Sirius are together?"
"You haven't ever heard them having sex?"
Harry shrugged. "We heard... noises. Didn't think much of them."
"You didn't think much of Remus screaming, 'Oh, yes, Sirius, harder'?"
"Can we change the subject, please?" Ron asked. "Er---didn't they check Snape's office after they found him dead?"
"Nope." Hermione smirked. "And that, my friends, is why the Ministry of Magic are morons."