A/N: A few words of appreciation before you begin reading. Thanks to Alyssa and Beth for knowing nothing about Harry Potter and writing horrible fanfics, Spy Kids for having the best insults ever, Beth for not coming to our school so me and Katie can make evil plots, Wal-mart for taking over all the business in our area, Katie for coming up with the title, Hannah for reading but not coming up with a title because she is trapped in Misery, J. K. Rowling for being brilliant and wonderful and being too busy to sue me for ripping her ideas off, Kim for giving her HP bracelet to Katie, Erin for giving the bracelet to Kim, and an unthanks to Katie's cousin for breaking the awesome HP bracelet.
That's about it. This story was written awhile (as in a year) ago for a fanfic challenge, and I've only just got around to fixing it up and posting it. Constructive criticism is, as always, immensely appreciated. Alright. Here we go…
Hermione Granger and Ron Weasley were officially dating. Officially. Lavender Brown had stormed off when she found out, only to be assaulted by Cormac McLaggen under some leftover mistletoe. Harry and Luna had both rolled their eyes a lot, and then gone back to attempting to snog each other's brains out, much to the disgust of everyone in the room. Viktor Krum had attempted to kill Ron, but found it difficult to enter the castle when the Hogwart's house elves had attacked him with tangoing bananas.
So, all in all, things were going well.
At least until Pansy Parkinson came into play.
She had caught Draco making out with a sixth year in a broom cupboard. This was not especially difficult, as in Hogwarts all the broom cupboards were used for was making out (any actual brooms would have made it terribly uncomfortable) and had signs on the front that changed from 'Occupied' to 'Sex-Obsessed Fanfiction Versions of Hogwarts Students Welcome' depending on the situation, and when it was the former a small footnote would inform nosy passerby exactly who the cupboard contained.
And in order to avenge her wounded egotistical pride, she was going to… Well, avenge her wounded egotistical pride. Pansy even had it all planned out. All she had to do was seduce Draco's worst enemy in front of him. How hard could it be?
It turned out to be very hard, as even when she threw a rope around Harry, tied the other end to that ridiculous hippogriff and made it fly across the lake Harry could not disentangle his tongue from Luna's. And despite Pansy's considerable talents (namely slutty clothes, slutty clothes, and, er, slutty clothes – Pansy managed to never wear the school uniform and, strangely enough, get away with it. If fact, no one in Hogwarts wore the uniform. That would have been too canon) she was not quite good enough to seduce a man while he was attempting to surgically attach himself to his girlfriend.
So she had to settle for second best. Draco hated the Weasel almost as much as Potter. And (this was a major plus) Hermione spent so much time, er, conveniently disabled in order for plot advancement to occur that Ron was often left alone.
On the day Pansy had chosen to strike she dressed up in a little red tube top and a pair of tight leather pants that were, well, really tight. They were black, but the hems were done in a different black. The pants were, like, midnight black, only midnight in the country, because in the city…
THE POINT IS, she looked way hot. Smokin. Damn sexy. Bootilicious. Bling-bling. Whatever the current fad for attractiveness descriptors is.
Pansy strode into the Gryffindor common room (Of course, no explanation is given as to how she got the password. That is completely, absolutely, and one hundred percent irrelevant, because, as we all know, Pansy Parkinson is the most utterly attractive being on the planet and therefore is allowed to do absolutely anything she wants.) and every guy's jaw dropped. Excepting Harry. He was too busy making out with Luna.
She knew that her plan could not fail when Ron's eyes fell out of his head. They rolled across the seventies shag carpeting and into a corner, where a mouse mistook them for something edible and took a couple bites before keeling over of some weird disease that the author is too lazy to come up with a name for.
"Wo," Ron said. "You are so totally way hot. Like, who's Hermione, let's make out!"
Unfortunately, at that exact moment Hermione returned from her plot-advancing activities. Her entire face got red then purple then white. Harry tore himself away from Luna for long enough to wonder aloud if Hermione was channeling Vernon Dursley. But no one heard him, for at that exact moment she screamed, "I've had it. Spik- I mean Pansy is going down. You can attack me, you can send assassins after me, that's fine. But nobody messes with my boyfriend!"
Ron and Pansy appraised her skeptically for a moment, and then said in perfect synchronization, "Don't be so stupid, stupid."
The next day Hermione launched phase one of Kill Pansy Parkinson. She had borrowed The Villain's Handbook from the library the night before, and had everything but the maniacal evil laugh down pat.
Her plan was simple yet efficient. All she had to do was make Pansy look the other way, hit her over the head with a basketball, tie her up, throw her into the back of a pick up truck and drive her over the edge of a cliff. It was foolproof.
Hermione headed over to the nearest Wal-Mart (No one is quite sure why Wal-Mart is in this story at all, because not only is it taking over the world, but it is not typically found on or near Hogwarts' grounds.) and bought a basketball. Upon returning to Hogwarts she discovered Pansy standing all by herself by the edge of the lake. Ron had disappeared on, uh, some mysterious mission of mysteriousness. Yeah.
When Pansy saw Hermione coming over she waved, and the two spent a few minutes chatting happily about fashion, boys, and makeup, completely ignoring the fact that in canon the two girls hate each other, and that Hermione has shown little or no interest in the above subjects.
There was the typical four minute lull in conversation, and Hermione decided it was time. Gasping, she pointed over Pansy's shoulder and screamed, "OH MY GOD!" Pansy spun around but whipped back towards Hermione before she could throw the basketball.
"What was it, I missed it," she whined.
Discouraged, Hermione decided to try a second time. "THERE IT IS AGAIN!"
This time when Pansy turned she was ready and hurled the basketball with all her strength at the platinum blonde head. But instead of knocking Pansy out as was intended, it merely made her very angry, and she clawed Hermione's eyes out.
The next day Hermione began planning phase two of Kill Pansy Parkinson. (Her eyes were, strangely enough, perfectly back to normal, though no mention of anyone healing them was given.)
Right away in the morning she headed out to Hagrid's house to find Buckbeak. There the better part of Hermione's morning was spent training the hippogriff to attack green umbrellas. It was tedious work, but she knew it would pay off in the end. All she had to do now was wait for it to rain.
The moment Hermione thought this, it immediately started to downpour. Thanking the gods who protect fanfiction writers trying to stay under their word limits, she sprinted back to the castle without getting a single hair wet.
When Hermione entered the common room she discovered Ron and Pansy on their way out. Suspecting that they were going for a sporadic walk on the grounds she said, "I hope you know it's raining out. You should probably get an umbrella first."
They both nodded and began walking away, and realizing she had missed something Hermione called after them, "Make sure it's a green umbrella!"
Pansy turned around. "Why green?" she asked
"Because, uh," Hermione suddenly became highly unintelligent and couldn't think of an answer. "It… Because it brings out your eyes so nicely."
The Slytherin girl cocked her head. "My eyes are brown."
Hermione let out a string of profanities that would have done Fred and George proud, because in the world of fanfiction Hermione always swears, and the description for anyone's string of profanities is that it would have done Fred and George proud.
Then all of a sudden the sun came out and Ron and Pansy ran away to go snog somewhere because the author is running out of ideas fast.
A few days later, a startling thing happened. Ron saw Pansy without her cover-up makeup on. She was dead ugly. Completely in shock, Ron ran to go tell Harry and Luna, but they were too busy snogging. Since that wasn't an option, Ron ran out onto the grounds to go run around in circles like a chicken with its head cut off because he (or, rather, the author) couldn't think of anything else to do.
Unfortunately, before he could begin this oh-so-entertaining activity, Ginny pulled him aside. "Ron," she said, looking him straight in the eyes. "I have to tell you something."
Ron examined her skeptically for a moment then nodded for her to continue.
"Alright." Ginny took a deep breath, and then delivered the shocking news. "I'm in love with Draco."