Disclaimer: I owned the Teen Titans for approximately five minutes last Tuesday, due to a time warp in my favor. However, the time warp ended before I could do anything, and now I don't own the Teen Titans anymore. Oh well. . .
A/N: I'm bored. And I'm sure you're all mad at me for not updating anything in a month. Sorry, been busy. I wrote this to tide you guys over...hopefully. Now, I realize this thing has been done about a million times. Well...get over it. I like the idea, and I think I can make it work. It's now a million-and-one.
HOW TO WOO A RAVEN
By: Beast Boy
Sup? The amazing, stupendous, and incredibly handsome Beast Boy here! I get a lot of fan mail (stop mailing me) asking me questions such as 'how can you change shape?', 'Is it hard being a hero?', and 'How are you so devishly handsome?'
(Stop mailing me)
But the one question I probably hear the most is this: "How did you, Beast Boy, get a girl as beautiful and smart and all-around perfect as Raven to fall in love with you?"
So, I've decided to be nice and actually give you guys your answer! In list form! Tada! Introducing the Guide on How to Woo a Raven!
(Stop mailing me)
1. Write her poetry - girls love it when you write them poetry. It's almost unfair how quickly they go all goo-goo eyed after hearing some mushy poem written about them. If other steps fail, believe me, this one will work.
"To A Raven! How can I describe someone like you? With eyes of purple and hair, too! Darkness surrounds you like some choking fog! I love you more than a toad loves a log! I..."
"Hold on, what? 'Love you more than a toad loves a log'?"
"What about it?"
"Beast Boy...never mind..."
Okay, so maybe it helps if you're actually good at writing poetry. But they like the attempt nonetheless. Trust me
2. Know when they want company - All girls have a look about them that just screams "Pay attention to me!" It's a subtle clue that yells at you to walk on over and do your best to get them to join in a group game. If you get this down, you're good to go.
"Hiya, Raven! Wanna play a game with us?"
"I dunno. You look like you want to play a game!"
"No, I don't. And...stop poking me!"
"Not until you play a game with us."
"Leave me alone, Beast Boy!"
"You don't wantto be left alone! I can tell!"
Unfortunately, the 'pay attention to me' look can be very similar to the 'leave me the hell alone' look. Be careful with this one. Especially if the girl is able to mentally throw you out a five-story window. Ouch.
3. Don't make her do anything she doesn't want to - Girls hate guys that pressure them into doing things. You name it: religion, sex, landscaping...if you have to pressure them to do it, DON'T. It's always best to be patient and wait until they feel comfortable doing it.
"Raven, if you don't want to do it, that's fine with me."
"But, Beast Boy . . . I want to do this."
"No, don't try and make it look like you're ready. I can tell."
"Were you dropped on your head? I said it's fine."
"Rae, I told you, I'm not gonna pressure you!"
"Beast Boy . . . Gd, you're an idiot..."
"Don't try and make me feel better, either! If you want to wait, I can wait."
What, a guy can't be ready for something? Geez, can't a guy be nervous anymore!
4. Make them breakfast - Careful with this one. You never know when a girl might be allergic to orange juice or milk or...something. Better to tell them ahead of time and ask what they want.
"Tada! I made you breakfast!"
"Beast Boy . . . it's all tofu. I don't eat tofu."
Like I said. Know her preferences. ASSUME NOTHING!
5. Listen to them when they are talking - all girls love a listener. No matter how boring they are, or how long they can go on talking, they love it when a guy actually listens to them. That's because it's so rare.
"...and that's when the doctor told me I had acquired a fungus. But, that's just me."
"...Were you listening to a word I said, Raven?"
Hey, guy's like a listener, too. We can tell when we're not wanted.
6. Nicknames - If there is one thing in life I know about girls, it's that they loooooove nicknames. Choose anything, roll with it. She'll be all over you in no time.
"Don't call me Rae."
"Ravey? Rae-Rae? Ravey-poo?"
"...call me Rae."
See what I mean? After the end of that, she actually liked 'Rae.' I'm such a genius.
7. Buy them stuff - Girls love it when you buy them things. As soon as they see you with a wrapped up present with their name on it...BAM! Pimpville, baby. You got it made.
"Raven! Look, I got you something!"
"Beast Boy...that's..really thoughtful of you. Thanks."
"Welcome! Go ahead! Open it!"
"...um...a copy of Mega-Monkeys 5...gee, thanks..."
"You like it?"
"More than life itself..."
I know it's hard when you're at the store and you see something you want. Just assume she doesn't want it and get something else. For example, I really wanted chocolate and flowers, so I assumed she wouldn't want that. So, instead I got Mega-Monkeys 5. Knew it would work. Pure Genius.
8. Remember important dates - Girls have some kind of super-computer in their head that keeps track of important dates. Like anniversaries.
"Wow, Rae, that dress looks great on you!"
"Why thank you, Beast Boy. I thought it...fit the occasion."
"Beast Boy, don't you know what day it is?"
"I mean the date, Beast Boy."
"Oh, it's September 19th, right?"
"Yes. And remember something important happened today? One year ago? With us? Together?"
"...Um...oh, wait! I remember now!"
"That was the first time I saw you naked, right?"
"...damn it, Beast Boy..."
Girls hate it when you forget stuff like that. Especially when you remember something...else...and announce it to everyone else in the room. Yeesh, was I in the doghouse that day...literally. . .
9. Know when to leave them alone - much like the 'pay attention' one, sometimes a girl just has to do things by herself. In this case, step aside, leave her alone, and let her handle it. She'll thank you for it later.
"I can tell you want to be alone, Rae."
"Beast Boy..I'm drowning you idiot!"
"Geez, I'm leaving already! No need for insults!"
Apparently, I'm no good at reading looks. Go figure.
10. Respect their personal space - very close to the 'leave me the hell alone one', but with some differences. Like all other things, girls have times when they don't want to be touched...or bothered...or seen.
"Beast Boy...get out of here!"
"I wanted to surprise you!"
"GET OUT OF MY SHOWER!"
"Aww...somebody needs a hug..."
I don't think I really need to explain this one. . .
Well, there you go! Ten easy steps to win the girl of your dreams! Especially if your girl is goth, has purple hair and eyes, and has a demon father!
Hehe. . .
There, now follow these steps and go out unto the world in peace. Obey the written law of Beast Boy and you shall be rewarded with your dream girl! I recommend these steps with the "Beast Boy Guarantee."
(Note: the Beast Boy Guarantee guarantees absolutely nothing. Beast Boy is in no way responsible if these steps manage to get you hurt, maimed, dismembered, or killed. Now stop mailing me.)
(Stop mailing me)
A/N: Heh, well that was fun. I sure hope you all liked it. Like I said...done a million times before. Oh well. Had to do it! Now, please remember to hit the shiny blue button and review. If you do, I'll give you a cookie! It's the Draco Blade Guarantee!
(Note: The Draco Blade Guarantee guarantees nothing. But I do want reviews. :P)