I don't own these characters. I also don't own this premise. Disney gets the characters and the premise goes to Yayoi Ogawa.
A/N: here you guys go, the sequel to the sequel. I suggest that you read On a Short Leash if you don't know what I'm yakking about. Before that, you might want to read Walking the Line. If you've read those already, you're safe.
Also, I hope you guys don't get sick of this story and stuff because once again I don't know where the story is going (isn't that how I always start out?), but I do plan to make it long. Well, that's all I have to say. Have fun reading this, please!
Lastly, each chapter will begin with a thought from either Kim or Shego like the last story and I'll leave you to figure out who is doing the thinking.
The Gods Must Be Laughing
Gag One: The madness of Shego
How is possible that I get rid of Drakken, who drives me out of my mind and end up going crazy anyway? What the hell kind of sense does that make?
Shego frowned because she was being irked. She was at home and sitting on the couch. She just wanted to watch television; that was all. She did not think that she was asking for much, especially since it was her home. So, she thought that her desire was not a big one, but her pet was making it virtually impossible. It went beyond the fact that Kim was up and moving about the living room when she should have been lying on the sofa with her head resting in Shego's lap.
The main issue was that Kim was up and vacuuming the living room. It was driving the green-skinned apartment owner completely crazy. If she wanted to be bothered, she would have stayed with Drakken, she thought with a huff. What was going on at the moment was so irksome that it was on the same level as spending time with that blue nutcase.
"Pumpkin," Shego said through clenched teeth. She was trying to keep her cool, but she was still bothered.
"Yes?" Kim replied with a bright smile. It was such a happy expression, but it did not affect her very irked mistress.
"Could you stop now?" the older female requested/ordered. It was more of an order than a request of course since she was the one in charge of everything. She just did not feel like barking at her pet since the girl did not seem to know that she was being irksome.
"Stop? But, it's such a mess," Kim pointed out. The living room could use a good vacuuming and she was getting it done. She did not see why she should stop when it still needed to be done.
"I'll get it later," Shego stated.
"But, I can get it now."
"But, it wouldn't be getting on my nerves if I get it later," the pale woman riposted in her usual tone. She did not want to come across as angry because she was not heated in any way. She was just upset with not being able to do what she wanted to do.
Kim pouted. "Oh," she muttered in a very disappointed voice. She was disappointed in herself because she was not looking to be annoying and yet she was doing just that. She was only attempting to help out, which she thought was a good thing, but it seemed like Shego did not see things that way.
"Come on," Shego said, patting a space on the sofa for the younger woman to join her. She just wanted the redhead to stop acting like a maid, an irksome maid at that.
"But…" Kim hesitated.
The olive-eyed adventurer sighed and turned the vacuum off, much to Shego's delight. She eased down onto the couch and sat next to her mistress. The pale woman glanced over at Kim, but she did not say anything. Her brat was starting to get on her nerves just by breathing, which she knew was a bad thing.
The problem was that Kim was acting much less like a pet lately and more like a roommate or maybe even worse, a girlfriend. It was worse in Shego's opinion, anyway, because Kim was not her girlfriend. She did not have a girlfriend because she was straight.
The redhead wandered the house with a purpose nowadays, cleaning up after herself, making her own meals a couple of times, and even grooming herself. Shego felt that in a little while, the younger woman might even attempt to pay some of the bills around the apartment, even though it was a mystery how Kim got her hands on money unless her master gave it to her. Everything that the college student was doing seemed to be getting on the apartment owner's nerves.
"We've seen this like a billion times," Kim pointed out, dismissing the movie. She made sure to not sound like she was whining. She was trying to make an excuse to where she could get up and do something around the house.
"So? I want to see it again," Shego countered and she believed that should have ended the argument right then and there.
"Because," the older woman growled.
Kim just was not being herself as far as Shego was concerned. She was asking stupid questions, not to be bothersome or playful like she used to, but in order to seriously question why the elder female was doing something. It was not any of Kim's business why she did anything, in Shego's opinion anyway. She was the mistress of the house and Kim was merely a pet.
The redhead was trying to pull her weight around the house lately. She thought that it was the least that she could do and she thought that it might help Shego see her as an equal. She believed that if the older woman saw her as an equal, saw her as a human being now after having her as a pet for so long that maybe they could be something similar to a couple. She believed that was what she really wanted, to be a couple with Shego. It had to be what she really wanted, Kim convinced herself.
The pale officer did not know what was up with her pet lately. She thought that the younger woman might just be going out of her mind. She did not see any other reason for the redhead's behavior to have changed so abruptly. She could not guess why her little monster was acting so different, but she did note that it happened shortly after a very explosive kiss that they shared a little over a week ago.
Shego did not see why the kiss, and following kisses considering there had been a few of those, had changed her pet. After all, she was still pretty much the same and she had the same kisses. She had not flipped out from a few electric kisses, so why had her pet flipped? She did not know why, but it was really, really bothering her.
Technically, Shego was used to her redheaded rascal being annoying. It was one of the main reasons why all of her nicknames for her pet had negative connotations. But, she was usually playfully annoying. It was cute, adorable, and just all around loveable. Right now, she was not as endearing as she typically was. She was just exasperating and irritating. Shego hoped that her pet stopped acting like that soon or she was going to have to hurt her little pest's feelings.
"What do you want for dinner?" the apartment owner asked, ultimately just attempting to get her mind off of everything and make her little imp act like she used to.
"Hey, I could cook," Kim volunteered with some vigor. She had tried that a few times in the past week, which was another thing that was working her master's nerves.
"And I could fly to the moon, but it's not very likely," Shego remarked.
"But, I could," the younger woman insisted with a grin. She could cook fairly well even if it was not pasta. Okay, she could cook to where they would survive the meal at least if she was not making pasta.
"Yeah, you could, but you're not. Now, what do you want for dinner?" the emerald-eyed female inquired again.
"More pasta. I didn't see that one coming," Shego commented sarcastically. She could not believe how much her pet just loved anything with noodles. She almost wished that she could understand the appeal.
"I could make it," Kim offered.
"I could throw you out of the window. Sounds like a good idea, huh?" Shego asked with a teasing smirk.
"No," the olive-eyed female pouted.
"Well, now you know how I feel."
Kim continued to pout; the older woman was such a sour grape. She was only attempting to be helpful, like anybody else would. She did not want to be in the way like she generally believed that she was. She just wanted to be a good housemate. She got up from the sofa, figuring that she could go clean something since she was not going to be allowed to make dinner. She did not make it far. In fact, she only managed to stand up.
"Where the hell do you think you're going?" Shego inquired.
The green-skinned woman hated having to keep a serious eye on Kim now, hoping to keep the petite hero from doing something even more irksome than the last thing that she did. She was not doing a good job in her own opinion. At least when her girl was just a lazy pet, if she went somewhere in the house, all Shego had to hope for was that the redhead did not set anything on fire or make too much noise; so far, so good on both fronts. Now, she had to worry about her imp trying to clean the bathroom, or clearing the counter, or mopping the kitchen floor. She did not even want to know what might happen if she stopped watching the girl.
"I think there're dishes in the sink that I could do," Kim replied.
"Sit your narrow ass down," Shego commanded. The older female just could not believe it, but she wished that her pet had given her one of her patented silly and honest answers, like she was going to steal cookies, or eat some cake, or drink some chocolate milk. Just about anything that did not involve her attempting to do more housework would have been fine by Shego.
"But, why?" Kim whined. It seemed that no matter how hard she attempted to get out of her pet mindset, she still acted somewhat like a spoiled brat around Shego for some reason that she could not pinpoint. Some habits were hard to break, she guessed, but she felt that she needed to break it. Whining just could not be attractive, her mind pointed out.
"Just sit still and relax, damn it," the raven-haired woman huffed.
The college student sighed and did as she was ordered to do. She did not see why they were watching a movie that they had seen already about a trillion times. It seemed like a trillion to her, anyway. It was not even a particularly good movie. It was mediocre at best and she felt like she could be doing something better with her time rather bearing through the movie again.
Shego decided that she was not even going to risk her pet doing something else, lest she crack and just end up seriously slapping the kid. She put her arm around Kim and forced the redhead to lay her head in her lap. Kim did so almost automatically because it was her habit. When she realized what she had done, she tried to sit back up because she did not want to come off as the pet after believing that she was close to getting her chance to be more than that. But, Shego was not allowing her to get back up now that she was right where Shego wanted her to be.
The pale woman noticed that her little monster was attempting to sit back up, but she was not going to let that happen. She just wanted her brat to lie there and be still for a minute or so. If Kim did not move, then she would not feel so tense, Shego reasoned. She just did not want to be tense on her day off. So, in her mind, her elfish pest just needed to stop moving.
Shego started caressing the slender hero's red mane as she usually did when Kim was lying in her lap. The redhead finally calmed down, which made Shego immensely happy, even though it did not show on her face. The younger female's breathing slowed down and it was clear what was going to happen.
Kim's arm fell to the side and the limb dangled off of the sofa as she began to fall asleep. Yes, good lazy monster, Shego commented mentally when she saw she got the desired effect. She was thankful that Kim was finally knocked out. The kid was just trying to do too much in her owner's opinion. To make matters worse, she was trying to do too much while in the house when she was only supposed to lie around.
"This kid is driving me out of my fucking mind," Shego commented, speaking to Betty.
The friends were out, having lunch. The meal was Betty's treat for the simple fact that she was glad that Shego had made a very good decision about two weeks ago when she ceased to be engaged, especially to that maniacal blue inventor. The pair was at the usual café that they went to, which was located close to their headquarters.
"What's she doing now?" Doctor Director inquired. She doubted that she would ever be able to reconcile the notion that Kim was a world hero and Shego's nutty pet at the same time. She just thought of Kim as a dumb kid, despite knowing that she was actually a competent and capable genius in several areas. It just did not seem right to her.
"Stuff," Shego vaguely answered.
"Stuff?" the one-eyed woman asked. She was slightly scared to find out because Shego and her pet were such an odd pair.
"Yes, stuff," the pale officer answered.
"What kind of stuff?" Betty pressed. She was now wondering if Kim had done something stupid or if her friend was just blowing things out of proportion. It could go either way with them as far as the chief was concerned.
"Vacuuming, cooking, cleaning. She actually tried to do laundry again, swearing that she would get the hang of it if I let her do it a few more times," the pale woman explained in an irked tone. It was all getting on her last nerve!
"Isn't that good? Or do you just not want to go through the bother of her screwing up?" the brown-haired female inquired. She would not want to go through the trouble of Kim messing things up, but she did think that the girl was scatterbrained at best.
"I don't want her doing things."
"Why not?" Betty just did not understand why her friend would want a bum in her house continuing to be a bum. She thought that her comrade should have put the kid to work to make up for the warmth, food, and shelter that her friend continuously provided.
"It's just weird," the raven-haired woman pointed out.
Shego was used to doing everything and she liked it that way. She just wanted Kim to go back to being the person that lounged on her couch, that whined for more cupcakes, and that asked if they were going to the park sometime soon. In other words, she preferred the redhead to be her pet more than anything else, but even that idea was strange because of the fact that she enjoyed sharing rather passionate kisses with the little pest. It was all so confusing and her monster was not making it any better.
"Why is it weird? Let her do something. She might be trying to become more responsible or something. Kids do grow up, after all," Betty pointed out.
Shego looked away from her friend, showing that she was not very satisfied with that answer. Kim was an adult when she was outside of the house and away from her master and Shego knew that quite well. She had even experienced it once, which had bothered her back then. She did not care how Kim acted when she was not around, but when she was there, she realized that she wanted Kim to be the laidback munchkin that she often was around the pale woman.
"She's a pet. She shouldn't be doing shit like that. She's a damn pet," Shego said to her friend, which Betty expected because things always came down to that when they spoke about Kim.
"Well, maybe she doesn't want to be a pet, anymore," Betty commented as if that was nothing. She had not thought before she spoke, but once it was out there, she decided that she did not care. She only offered up her opinion, as always.
Shego had not considered that her pet just did not want to be a pet anymore. She did not see why Kim would not want to be her pet anymore. She had told Shego that she was content to live that way as long as she got to stay with her mistress. Shego did not see any reason to get rid of the brat, so she figured that the redhead should be all right with everything to just go back to acting like she always did. Obviously, that was not what was going on.
"Do you really think she doesn't want to be a pet anymore?" the raven-haired female inquired in a low tone, making sure that her voice did not tremble. It was like she scared to know the answer, which she actually was because she enjoyed having her pet around.
Betty shrugged. "It's possible. I don't see why she agreed to be a pet in the first damn place, but now that she's there, I'd think that the little idiot would try to live it up. After all, you do everything for the little punk and who'd want to give that up anyway?"
"Well, it's not like she really needs me," Shego muttered, glancing away.
"That's just bullshit," the one-eyed woman stated. No two people on the planet deserved each other more than Shego and Kim as far as she was concerned.
"Is it?" Shego asked with a craned eyebrow.
"What would that little brat do without you?" Betty countered. She really wanted to ask what the two would do without each other. Sure, it was possible that they would live on, but they would not be very happy.
"Bet, you do have to remember that she's not as dumb as she seems. Maybe she has gotten bored with this whole thing," Shego pondered aloud.
Betty scoffed and tossed her head to the side a bit. She did remind herself that Kim was not the empty-headed creature that she believed her to be, but she still doubted that the girl could be happy if she was not with Shego. She had to be pleased with her lot in life if she remained Shego's pet and Shego had to be happy just because she kept the girl there as a pet, taking care of her like a pet. They had to offer each other something very special.
Shego was not very sure what her pet did before she became her pet. She was aware that Kim had been a vagabond to a certain extent. She had been a little more than a tramp. So, part of her did wonder if her pet would miss such a life. It was a carefree kind of life without rules and she knew that her pet hated the rules, which explained why she did not obey a lot of them. What if her little monster was tired of being hers and wanted to go back to being a vagrant?
"Maybe she is bored with being a pet. It has been a while now. I take it you're not bored with having her around," Betty commented. She was stunned that her friend had not gotten sick of taking care of the brat yet, but many things about Shego surprised her when it came to that kid, which was why she knew they deserved each other.
"Are you bored with having Leonardo around?" Shego countered. She felt that her friend should have known that feelings and pets were off-limits when it came to conversations.
"We're done talking about pets if you're going to be this way," Betty huffed. Pets and feelings for those pets were definitely a taboo subject with the friends.
"Oh, you're so sensitive when it comes to that damn dog," Shego teased.
"Like you're not sensitive about your damn brat. I mean, I do have the fucking bruises because a certain someone was touchy about her little badass kitten running away," Betty retorted.
"Stop living in the past," the pale woman riposted.
"Yak, yak, yak. If she's getting on your nerves, talk to her. Unlike most pet owners, you can actually talk to your pet before you slap her with rolled up newspaper," the one-eyed woman pointed out.
Shego nodded because her friend had a good point. Besides, she had been tempted to just whack Kim with her morning newspaper while hollering "bad, Princess." Talking seemed like a much more civil solution to the problem, even though it would not be too bad if she smacked Kim with the paper a couple of times. It would make her feel a lot better; she was willing to bet on that.
Shego entered the apartment and was not greeted with her usual hug. She had not gotten her hug in over a fortnight and she could not believe that she actually missed the irksome embrace. It let her know that she was home and she could finally begin to unwind from whatever the day might have thrown her way. Instead, no hug meant that home was going to be as annoying as the outside world.
"Pumpkin," Shego called.
"Yes?" Kim replied from the kitchen.
"What the hell are you doing now?" the pale woman demanded. She would beat her little pest senseless if she was trying to make dinner yet again.
"Um … nothing," the redhead answered because of the tone that her master had used.
"Come here," Shego commanded. Ah, she was so sick of her damn pet.
The slim hero trotted out of the kitchen to the living room, meeting Shego there. The apartment owner sat down on the couch and the younger female followed suit. Shego sighed while Kim looked down at her feet. The redhead was not sure what the problem was, but she knew that there was some kind of problem from the way that her mistress sounded. Shego was not sure how to get the conversation started, but she knew that she had to do something before she lost her mind because of Kim.
"Princess, why have you been acting so weird lately?" Shego inquired in a civil, but tired tone. She rubbed her forehead briefly, as if trying to massage out the tension.
"Weird?" Kim echoed.
"Yeah, not like you usually act. I mean, you're doing all kinds of new crap," Shego pointed out.
The younger woman nibbled on her bottom lip and then shrugged. "Oh … well, I thought I should do stuff."
"Why? Haven't we always agreed that you're just a pet, so you don't have to do stuff?" the older female reasoned.
Kim pouted a bit. So, after all of that, all the kisses, affection, and emotional turmoil for both of them, Shego still saw her as just a pet. She probably never would be an equal, so she probably never would be in a couple with Shego. Well, at least she would always get to be with Shego. Maybe, every now and then she would get a proper kiss or something, Kim thought to comfort herself.
It was not such a sorry existence that she had, Kim believed. She liked being with Shego, just like she always said. It was just that she thought that she had a chance to be an equal with the woman and they could be a proper couple. She wanted so much more now that she had hope.
"You don't want to be a pet anymore, do you?" Shego asked in a mumble. She sighed and scratched the top of her head.
"Well…" Kim said, twisting her mouth up a bit.
"I thought you were happy being my pet," the elder woman stated.
"I am…" the redhead answered in a mutter.
"I didn't say but," Kim pointed out.
"No, you didn't, but you were going to. Princess, what do you want? Do you still want to be my pet?" Shego asked. Depending on the answer, she might consider that she would have to suggest that Kim just move on with her life. Yes, she loved having Kim around, but she just could not take the redhead acting the way that she did. She could not take not being the one in charge in her own house. She was the owner and if Kim did not understand that, then she was going to have to go.
Kim thought on the question. She was not accustomed to such a question, especially from her master. She knew that she had to be careful of the answer. She was starting to feel the pressure and she knew that was not a good thing. It took a lot for her to feel pressure, as her definition of pressure was extremely different from most others. She was feeling it now, though, and she did not work well under pressure. In fact, as far as she knew, she ran when the pressure was on.
Next time: Kim's response.