This is a sequal to my story Forgive me, it ran a little longer than I thought it was going to, so I broke it into two parts. This is dealing with all those terrable emotions you go through when a loved one dies, and just so you all know- Jazz and Heart-Beat really only had a plutonic relationship, I need to go through and fix any misunderstandings in Forgive me. Most of the flashbacks are from Jazz sleeping. Okay... Oh! I got the basic idea for this last week in English when we were watching Forest Gumpt(sp?). The basic plot is mine, as is Heart-Beat. The rest is owned by Hasbro, for now, I read somewhere Hasbro is contemplating selling a bunch of rights... Whatever. Enjoy.
Before and After
Jazz stared cold-heartedly at the green and red femme across the battlefield, firing on his companions and having not yet noticed him. He wanted to make her pay, he had never felt such hate before in his life, especially for her, his hate making him feel sick with himself.
She saw him, and he swore for a moment he saw her smile, but the moment passed, and she reached into her subspace, Jazz hardly noticed the laze beams flying around them, he wondered how neither of them had been hit.
But the moment her hand was in her sub-space, he shot her, right in the weakest point of her armor. She fell back, something tight in her hand. He looked at her for a moment, she looked dead to him, so he pulled the thing from her hand (it was a data pad) and sub-spaced it. He thought it would feel good to see her dead.
Jazz sipped his high-grade energon in his room, his visor dim and his jaw clenched. Liquid had been streaming down from his visor all day, his lips trembling. He clutched his cup so hard he was afraid it would break, "Where did it all go wrong?" he whispered to himself. "I always thought we'd be together until the last day. I thought I'd lose my mind if she ever… Primus forgive me! Heart-Beat… forgive me… why couldn't she've just said it? Why couldn't she just tell me she forgave me, even if she didn't! Slaggit!"
He shook his head, "No, I'm not mad at her, I'm mad at me for letting her… Primus…" Liquid dripped down his face for the millionth time that day.
He was jolted from his dreary thoughts by a knock at the door, then the familiar chipper voice of Sideswipe drifting through to him. "Common Jazz! You can't stay in your quarters all dreary forever!"
"For slag's sake! Go away Sideswipe!" Jazz threw an empty cup at the door, smashing it. "Just go away! Go away and leave me alone damn it!"
It was only a few minutes before Blue Streak tried, only to walk away from Jazz's room crying. Jazz felt guilty for letting himself hurt his friends' feelings, but he wanted to be alone. Jazz checked his chronometer, one hour and he would have to go on duty. He whipped the liquid away from his face, finishing off his high-grade in a quick swoosh.
Then he picked up another. It wasn't more than twenty minutes before another pounding came on his door. It was an impatient, clearly angry and annoyed banging, he quickly swigged down his high-grade, hid the freshly emptied cups from sight, and grabbed another, staring at it for a moment before saying, "Ratchet man, we don't want any."
"Damn it Jazz! Let me in! That's an order!"
"Who died and made you Prime?" Jazz started to drink again, taking down as much of the cup as he could in a single gulp.
"It's an order from Prime for me to give you a check-up; you haven't shown up for a check since- well damn if you don't know! At least Prowl is trying to get back to normal life!"
"Leave me alone! I'm still completing my duties so there isn' any problem!"
"Jazz, how many high-grades have you had today?"
Jazz thought a moment before answering, "How many is too much?"
"For you; five."
"Okay. Add about twenty-six to that."
Jazz could almost hear Ratchet's angrystare, and actually heared him growlingoutside the door. "JAZZ! Get your aft out of there and into my med bay now!"
"Le'me think 'bout that… nah. I'm good here."
"Jazz, I'm giving you to the count of six to get your aft out of that room or I'm getting Prowl to open that door for me. Now get your aft out here!"
"What's the big deal? It ain't like I over-energized!"
"Oh yeah? Say the alphabet backwards."
"Fine! A B C D E D A G O F U C S Y O U R S E LF Z."
"JAZZ! Open this door so I can de-tox you!"
For a long moment there was silence as Jazz swigged down the last of his high-grade, grabbing another cup, "No. You can wait until after my shift's over right?"
"Jazz! Haul aft!"
Jazz pulled himself into a curled up position, tenderly taking off his visor, exposing his optics to the world outside his visor, drinking the last of his cup of high-grade. "I'm sorr'e Ratch-man. I won't. I miss her too much…"
"Jazz, she wouldn't want you to scrap yourself because of her! Now move!" Jazz looked to his feet, the medic was right. He tried to stand up but crashed down to the floor, hitting his already swimming head on his recharge berth. "Jazz! Jazz answer me damn it before I make you wear your aft for a hat!"
Jazz tried to think of something to say in return, something cheerful or sarcastic, but he couldn't get his thoughts to process. His last thought before he slipped offline was of Heart-Beat's smile, and how badly he wished to see it again.
Jazz awoke with a headache, not that it surprised him, and someone cuddling up next to him. He knew immediately who it was, and wrapped his arms around her gently. He whispered to her, "Sis, yo sis ya 'wake?" She nodded, snuggling up closer to him. "Why ya in here sis?"
"I heard the teachers talking; those… Decepticons are getting closer to our city an' I just… I wanted to be with you bro." her green and red armor was hidden by dark shadows moving around the room, cast from beneath the door.
"Sis, ya can't always come to me when your scared 'o those creeps, soon enough we're probably gonna be separated by the war; ya know that."
She met his soft blue optics with her own, giving him a tender smile, "I know, that's why I want to be with my bro so much, I don't even want to think about what's going to become of us when we get different assignments. Okay bro?"
He nodded, kissing her on her helmet crest like she was a sparkling, holding her close. A pounding on the door jolted both of them awake as a bright yellow mech entered, shouting, "Hey Jazz y're gonna be late for cla- well hello." He said to the femme that was on her feet already, he was smirking at Jazz, "Sorry man, but I thought we agreed if we ever had a hot date to leave a "do not disturb" data-pad on the door, or didn't you have time?"
"Man! She's like m' sister! We weren't doin' tha' kinda thin'!"
"Oh… so you must be Heart-Beat, Jazz told me a lot about ya… wanna go ta my quarters?" Jazz moved to smack his yellow friend on the back of the head when Heart-Beat waved her hand dismissively.
"Sorry pal, but my type isn't aft; it's meches with great afts." She taunted, heading for the door, "Now sparklings, I do believe we have classes to attend!"
Jazz looked drearily at Heart-Beat, she had volunteered for a virtual suicide mission, and refused to let him come along, "Jazz, I've made up my mind, and that's that. There's no sense in both of us going on a kamikaze mission."
"But 'Beat! Girl listen to me! I don' wanna lose you!"
"You won't; not on this mission. I swear by Primus' creator, okay bro?"
"Alright, but be careful!"
—Back to Present—
Jazz's optic came online slowly, the first thing he noticed was the intense lights of the med-bay. He tried to move to put his arm over his optics, but he found he was in the restraining bunk, usually reserved for Iornhide because of how he thrashes around saying he's fine. "Ratchet man… Why'm I in the restraints?"
"Jazz, you're online, good. We were worried about you for a while there." Jazz turned his head to see Blue Streak sitting at his bedside. "Why'd you do it Jazz?" he whispered.
"Do what?" Jazz was utterly clueless as per what the gunner was talking about.
"Don't give me that Jazz! Why'd you do it?"
"Man if this is 'cause I hurt your feelings earlier today-"
"First of all, that was a week ago, second of all, that isn't what I'm talking about!"
"Well then what!" Jazz was getting frustrated, desperately trying to remember what he did that was so horrible.
"You tried to poison your own systems!"
"I did what?"
"Jazz, I know losing Heart-Beat was hard on you, but killing yourself isn't the answer!"
"Blue' you gotta believe me, I don't remember trying to do anything to hurt myself! I remember having some high-grade an then… then I was here."
"Jazz, you don't have to lie."
"I'm not lying 'Blue! I don't remember! I love me! Why would I do that?"
"Depression can hit the best of us, even the most cheerful of us Jazz." Wheeljack put his hand on his shoulder, patting him.
"'Jack, believe me, I ain' suicidal! It was an accident. It had to've been!"
"Jazz, you had twenty high-grades, then five system-deteriorating drinks." Ratchet frowned over him, staring into his optics. That was when Jazz realized that his visor was still gone.
"I-I want my visor Ratchet. Please man, I want my visor."
Everyone stared at him as if he was an alien, he almost died and all he could think about was his visor? Prowl approached, Jazz's visor in hand. He put the visor on Jazz and backed away, shaking his head, "Jazz, what have you done?"
"Prowl, I don't remember drinking poison, it just kinda happened."
Prowl was silent for a long time before finally whispering, "You're being required to have a psyche evaluation twice a week until you're deemed stable- and you're getting a systems check once a week until you're deemed no longer a danger to yourself or others."
"No negotiating Jazz! I know her death was hard on you, but that's no excuse to act irresponsible and illogical!"
Jazz glared at Prowl, "What do you know? You don't let anyone become more than just a friendly comrade to you! You don't lose friends, you lose comrades! Nothing more! You logical slaggin sonova bitch!" Jazz couldn't believe something so cold about his best friend had come out of his mouth, and more, "How dare you pretend to be…" He couldn't continue, he was not only hurting Prowl but himself as well. For the first time in a long time Jazz hated someone besides the Decepticons, he hated himself.
Everyone looked at Jazz, he never had outbursts, especially not at Prowl. Ratchet and Wheeljack quickly checked his systems. Blue Streak looked at him fearfully, optics welling, "Prowl is not that sparkless!"
"It's alright Blue Streak, he's being illogical, let me know when he's being logical again, then I'll be back."
To be continued…
There, I'll put up part 2 when I feel like it. RnR if ya'll don't mind.