A/N: This is obviously AU and it's obviously supposed to be a joke. If you've read my other fics like Lights, Camera, ACTION,
you'll know I like to play around with the idea of the IY cast in our
world, but still themselves. This is from Naraku's livejournal
blog, you can read the original at
tentacle-luver(dot)livejournal(dot)com. There might be more
entries later, it depends on his mood.
Saturday, January 14th, 200612:44 am
I'm baaack! OMFG, it's been too long since I posted. Damn computer crash. Who knew that miasma was bad for your hard drive? Of course, Kagura says that she knew but since when do I have to listen to that airhead? Swear I'm going to put a tentacle right up her fat ass one of these days.
And Kanna is still giving me the silent treatment. I asked her to get me a double mocha latte and all she did was stare at me. What. A. Bitch. I swear I'm going to kill myself if I have to work with these crack!heads much longer.
As for the manga, that stupid Mouryoumaru is still hogging all the good plot lines. Hey, what about me? Hello, big evil here! Just finally got rid of the windbitch and now what do I have to deal with? That little asskisser Byakuya. If he thinks I didn't see him playing up to Sesshoumaru like a simpering bitch...he needs to be reminded about what happened to Hakudoushi. That damn kid is going to be playing bit parts in Escaflowne from now on.
Thursday, February 23rd, 200612:08 am
So I'm standing in line at Starbucks, right? Herself sent me out to get her a double cinnamon latte, (with non fat milk, yes bitch, I know) and as I am waiting for the pimple faced mouthbreather to move her fat ass with my order, this total Gap-drag slut tries to dive into line ahead of me! I'm like WTF? So I tapped her on the shoulder and said, Excuse me! but she just waved me away and kept yapping on her cell like I was invisible. Hello, nobody plays that game with this Naraku! So had to do it, right? I gave her a tentacle-bitchslap from hell and sent the skank flying right out the window. God, do I hate living in the city or what!
I wanted to get a nice secluded place out in the country. Just a nice old castle kinda set up, the sort of place where nobody notices if you have a few dead bodies lying around and rotting. But no, Herself wants a condo, she'd not satisfied with a rustic setting anymore. No, she had too much of that with her ex.
Does she have to bring him up all the time? They've been over for what, five hundred freaking years? All I ever hear is how he'd do anything for her, if she asked for the sun on a fucking silver platter he'd by gods find a way to serve it. Oh yeah right, if he was so damn perfect then why did he go whoring around all the time and knocking up human broads? Heh, answer me that one, Ms. Perfect!
I don't think she appreciates me at all. I'm just her sex toy when it comes down to it. But well, that's not such a bad way to be, that woman knows things about how to get a tentacle stiff, if you catch my drift.
Saturday, March 4th, 20062:04 pm
I get home last night after a long hard day of trying to dominate the world and what do I find? Herself is entertaining a guest, and who the fuck do you think it was. That's right, that lecherous excuse for a monk! Oh, so she says they're just friends and all but like I believe that! Even if she pretends to be clueless, I know it's an act. Yeah, Miroku is just going to be friends with someone that looks like her. And I'm a fucking girl scout! I'm going to have to curse his other hand. Bastard.
Then, if that wasn't enough, Herself corners me and tells that Kanna is withdrawn. WTF! Of course, she's withdrawn, I made her out of nothing what the hell does she expect the kid to act like, a cheerleader? Anyway, she goes on and on for a while and then I hear the words 'play date' and 'Rin' and I just know what's coming next. Apparently even her son isn't safe from the nagging. She's decided that Kanna and Rin need to socialize more often, that it would be good for the family to be closer. Yeah, how close can we be when every time her son is in the same room with me he tries to kill me?
Shit. I'm probably not going to win this one. Good thing I wasn't living with her when Kagura hit puberty all at once and started putting the moves on that son of hers. I think she'd see her pwecious Sesshy in a whole new light if she'd ever found out that he really likes the way the "wind" blows. Wind. Blows. You figure it out.
Wednesday, April 12th, 200611:16 pm
Well, I haven't updated for a while and that's because I had a damn good reason.
I've been out of town. Actually I've been trying to reconstitute my body for the past few months. Let me tell you, it may look all easy and slick to be able to reassemble your form at will, but it's work.
A few months ago, I started having this feeling that Herself might be seeing someone else behind my back. I tried to play it cool, after all, the woman is several centuries older than I am. I mean, the gods only know who all she's been with. I asked her about it once and she just quirked her eyebrow in that maddeningly cute way of hers and asked if it made me feel insecure.
Insecure? Me? Hello, evil hanyou of power over here, dominating the world in every way I know how, I'm supposed to be intimidated by a woman?
Oh I think NOT!
I didn't worry about her last boytoy, stupid monk, she put his candy-ass in the hospital. After that, I knew he wasn't a threat. Actually, she said that she really liked Miroku for the 'girl-talk' whatever that was supposed to mean. I suppose maybe that pervert likes hearing all the intimate details of her life, every single thought. Fine, let him be the one to run to the drug store at three am for Motrin because she's cramping. It's just one of her little jokes, she's a daiyoukai, how can she cramp?
But I was having this feeling that there was something else going on. I'd come home and she'd have the place spotless. She doesn't bother to do that for me, all I ever get is...Dear, don't throw your socks on the floor...Dear, don't leave human body parts in the kitchen sink...Dear, there's a deformed monster on the veranda and he says that you told him he could 'crash' here or something...
Anyway, back to my little problem. I decided to ask around, I figured that if anyone knew what was going on with her, it would be her son. I mean, she calls him every day, poor guy, if she was seeing someone seriously, he would know something. So I waited until she was taking one of her three-centuries-long bubble baths and I IM'd him about it.
LORDOFFLUFF: you did not just ask me that.
TENTACLELUVER: do you know or not?
LOF: i prefer not to think about my mother's sex life
TL: so she is seeing someone
LOF: i cannot confirm nor deny...
TL: just fucking tell me
LOF: it is someone you know
TL: please tell me it's not your brother
LORDOFFLUFF has left the room
If he'd just told me, maybe it wouldn't have been such a surprise. And maybe I wouldn't have spent the last five months trying to grow my limbs back! God, what a fucking temper, she seriously needs to work on that. You know, back when we first started seeing each other her ex warned me that she'd be like this when she got restless.
I made a plan. I decided I'd see if I could catch her in the act. I told her that I'd be out late, you know, world leaders to intimidate, Dubbya owes me a steak dinner, the usual sort of thing. And she had this silly little gleam in her eye when I told her I probably wouldn't make it home until morning.
ohoho bitch, you're so gonna get caught...
So I waited until late that night, I called her cell a couple times before coming in, just to see if she'd pick up and give me a story. She didn't even bother to answer! And believe me, if know this woman you know she always picks up her phone. Unless she's having sex. I still remember the time that we were getting down to business and my phone beeped and I dared to even look away from her. It was just a text! It wasn't like I was going to call them back.
Burns like that take a long time to heal.
So I snuck in the servant's entrance, keyed off the ADT (bitch likes to change the codes) and then I hear the sound of moaning and groaning coming from our bedroom.
What kind of man wouldn't be mad that she had someone else in his bed? If she had any class, she would have taken her 'lover' to the guest room! Am I out of line here or what? I don't think so.
So I blew the door off its hinges and went storming in there like I was a host of hungry oni and I damn near died of shock.
Never been so pissed in my life.
Anyone but THAT!
And you know what, Kagome didn't even notice I was there. She had her nose so far up Herself's cooch that I bet she could tell what Herself had for breakfast. This is who she's screwing on the side? That little tramp? The one they call the Bicycle of Fandom because everybody gets a ride?
DOES THE WOMAN HAVE NO TASTE? Hell, I would have rather found Jaken between those pearly white thighs than that whiny little brat!
I turned around and stamped out of the room. First things first, the big screen plasma TV is mine. I bought it, she didn't. And I'm taking half of the good DVD's too, she can keep the old crappy ones, I'm not the one who signed up under a fake name with Columbia House. That's all her karma, not mine.
I was about to start throwing things in my bag when I heard her come out of the bedroom. "Dear," she said, "I think we need to talk about this."
Talk about what? Not that I have a problem with her liking the girls now and then, but I'd thought she'd realized her mistake after that disaster with Izayoi.
"I got nothing to say," I told her.
"You have to listen," she said. "It's just sex, I was just feeling a little bored. The girl means nothing to me, it's you that I've chosen to live with."
I just glared at her. "Until you get bored with me, right?"
She sighed and I just hate it when she does that. "Look," I said. "Obviously this relationship means more to me than it does you. I understand if you feel like you've got to have others, we always said we weren't ready to be exclusive. You like your space, so I'm going to give it to you."
I was almost to the door when she dropped DA BOMB on me.
"I want to have a baby."
Maybe I wasn't thinking straight or maybe I was just shocked. It probably wasn't the smartest thing I've ever done, but you know...I was still hurting a little over the tramp in my bed. So I turned around, looked her right in the eye and said..."Maybe you should talk to your ex about that. When he got bored with you, didn't he go off and have a baby with someone else? Because that's how I feel and..."
She melted me. Right down to my shoes. I don't know if anyone reading this knows how painful it is to have your physical body dispersed by acid, but let me tell you...it's pretty fucking painful. Not as painful as trying to reconstitute, but on the good side, she did let me keep the TV.
Saturday, April 15th, 200610:48 pm
More on my so-called un-life
Had another shitty day today.
Now that I have a physical form again, I thought it might be a good idea to get out of the bathroom and back into my own place.
Oh yeah...I didn't tell you guys.
Well after Herself threw a major shitfit, she melted me into a pile of goo. A sticky pile of goo, about the consistency of jello and mayonnaise mixed together. I suppose I should be grateful to Kagome (the little tramp). She felt so bad about being the reason that Herself melted me that she decided to help out in that bratty, know-it-all way of hers.
Ever try to get semi-solid jyaki and ooze out of an expensive carpet? Well, Kagome, hereafter known as the Brain, decided that a Wet-Vac was the only way to go. Apparently, Herself was so distraught about our little tiff that she had to go on a major shopping spree. With my ATM card. The woman really knows how to make it hurt, probably what attracted me to her in first place.
Anyway, the Brain managed to get most of me out of the carpet and then she got the ever so bright idea of pouring my remains into the sink and poking at me with a stick to see if I'd talk to her. She wanted to apologize and Christ knows, when Kagome Higurashi feels bad, she's got to share it with the whole fucking world.
Maybe she actually meant well, but you know, I would have preferred a little privacy to pull myself together. So what does the Brain do? She takes me to fucking Inuyasha's apartment and puts me in his bathtub. Like I want that snot-nosed punk to know about this. Worst of all, she didn't even tell him that she did it. First thing I get to see that morning is him stumbling into the room to take a piss. Then he sees me laying there and he starts screaming something about the drain backing up and manages to piss all over his own feet.
How that guy ever survived on his own long enough to get stuck to the tree...
Let me tell you, if you ever have to spend four or five months in the form of shapeless ooze, don't do it in Inuyasha's bathroom. The guy doesn't clean, let's just leave it at that. I don't even want to know the last time he cleaned that tub but I'm still picking white furballs out of my ass. Hey dog-boy, ever hear of No-Shed? How about dental hygiene? I think I saw him brush his teeth a total of three times while I was there.
So it looks like I'm stuck here for a bit longer, Herself cancelled all my credit cards while I was getting myself together. She also froze all my bank accounts and told them I went on a cruise.
Why did I ever give that woman power of attorney?