This was originally a song fic to Kelly Clarkson's 'I Hate Myself For Losing You', hence the original title. However, after reflection and some valued con crit, I have decided to remove the lyrics and change the title.
Incidentally, thanks to all my reviewers: CantTakeMyEyesOffYou, Savetheplanet, banana queen, Born Of Flame, The Humble Mosquito, obsessor (Stop stalking me, Hill!), Spiderjuice, artemis-holly, Brizo, and j320.
Disclaimer: Thankin' ye very much, ma'am, sir, but it ain't my fault… not much of it, anyway.
By the time you get this letter, I will be dead. Against my better judgment (but who ever listens to that anyway?) I have decided to write you this letter, so you can understand my emotions and thoughts right now. Not like you ever cared about them before, but I wasn't on the verge of suicide before.
But, perhaps I have myself to blame for how I feel now. If only I had given up, said to myself, forget the Mud Boy and grow up, get a life. Except the thing about stopping caring for someone, it's not as easy as it sounds. And let me tell you, Mud Boy, it would have been easier to stop my own heart than let you go. Because stopping your heart is a hell of a lot easier than breaking it.
And now, I'm sitting here with this Frond damned knife and writing my suicide note. Death doesn't seem so painful compared to now, it's like what I said before, a stopped heart hurts less than a broken one.
Do you know how you hurt me, Artemis, that day when you left, too cowardly to break up with me face to face? Do you know? Do you care? I couldn't believe it. You did what your actions always promised to do. You left me. For her. I know we hadn't always seen eye to eye, but were things so bad you just packed up and left rather than talk to me about it? You knew – know! – how I felt – feel! – about you! And so did she. Forgive me for slandering your wife, but I would like to take this opportunity to call her what she is: a sneaking, scheming, D'Arvited bitch.
I had woken up that morning contented and happy with you in our little cottage in Haven. I rolled over, expecting to see you sleeping or just lying there, thinking. You know you do that a lot. But you weren't there. I searched all through the house. I checked tge closets, the drawers. All your things were gone. Everything. But what really cinched it for me was the photograph, the picture of you and your orants and Domovoi and her, the one who took you from me. It was gone. And I was lost.
It's just that… no, not like that… how to word this… damn it!
I've never been lost for words before, except that time when you abducted me and I couldn't find the words to describe you. I remember thinking that how could someone so evil be so handsome, in a little kiddy manner. But I don't regret hitting you. You deserved that. But back to the original topic. I just don't know what to say anymore. All arguments seem too pathetic on paper, but inside the ravines of my own mind, they are monumental.
So now, I guess, I should explain why I'm sitting here writing my suicide note to the man I love more than my own existence. It's simple, really. It's because I hate someone. I hate them so much I want to rip out their throat and hang them from a tree. I want to destroy them and blast them with my Neutrino 3000. But unfortunately I can't do that, because that person is me.
Artemis, why did you leave me? Is it because I am a fairy? A tiny elf that only comes up to you waist? Was it because we could never have children together? Or was it just because we are too different? Every time I look in the mirror and all I see is a thousand reasons why you're not here with me. If only I was a normal human girl like her, then you would love me. Wouldn't you?
Well, if you're happy now, then I'm glad for you. You see, I can't wish you harm. If she's a good woman, then you got what you deserved. I never knew her that well, but at least she's only a few years older than you, not more than half a century. But every time I think of you with her, it feels like another tiny chip of my heart is being carved out. And not just on the inside, either. Foaly commented on how bad I look these days – drawn and pale and red-eyed. I can't help it. I can't sleep and I can't eat and I just can't stop crying. Not that I cried at work. No, a LEPrecon officer shouldn't cry. And then I had the breakdown, and now I don't have a job. Just another reason to do this.
And now I dread each day, every day in which all I can see are happy couples and smiling faces and knowing mine will never smile again until I'm in your arms again. But I dread the nights even more, those sleepless nights when I cry myself into a nightmare-filled oblivion. I can't be saved from this bottomless pit of despair every day I fall into. The ache of not being with you can't be called living anymore.
I don't think that I can stand another day of this complete and utter bullshit. I don't think I can pull through. I wish you knew, Artemis, oh Frond how I miss you! Can't you hear me? Don't you care? Artemis!
I can remember the first time I saw you after you left me. Foaly had been in contact with you and told me the date of your firstborn child's christening. That was when I still worked at the LEP. I nicked a pair of Hummingbirds and came up to find you. The christening was at the church near Fowl Manor and I came at the near the end of it. You were smiling as you held your son, Artemis Domovoi Fowl. And then you looked up. I was standing up the back, shielded. But it slipped. And you saw me. And your beautiful eyes darkened and your face became terrified. I never wanted to see that expression on your face. That look of utter horror. You wanted me to go. I stayed behind. We walked off together after the service. You still looked a bit off, and shocked at my appearance. I know what I looked like. I had lost weight, and my fingernails were bitten and the flesh around them was bleeding and raw because my magic had near run dry simply because I was so damn miserable. Even if I had completed the ritual a thousand times, it wouldn't have made any difference. All I had was enough for the shield and the mesmer. I saw you. You were afraid I would put you under the mesmer and make you return with me. But that would have made you unhappy. And I never, ever, ever could have done that to you. But we talked nicely, and I complimented you on you child, and you said how good I was looking, and I said that I could tell you were lying, and you chuckled.
"Your son is… beautiful." The pain in my voice would be evident to a deaf man, but you seem oblivious.
"Thank you, Holly," you say, and agony lanced through me as I heard you say my name, the same way you always did, with the soft curl on the double l. "You're looking good." I can tell you're lying, and I say so.
"I can tell you're lying, Artemis," I say. You chuckle, but then you stop, because you see the pain in my eyes.
"So… what have you been doing, Holly?" you ask as we stroll past a garden. I smile wanly.
"Uh… I got fired from the LEP." Even after some time it causes me pain.
"What? You? How?" He is incredulous.
"I had a breakdown at work. I collapsed. Stress, the warlock said, but he couldn't do anything for me."He opens his mouth, then closes it. He was going to ask why, but I let my eyes talk for me. I can see, though, from his face that he feels no remorse. He doesn't care. Perhaps he never did.
I hate you, Artemis Fowl. I hate you with every ounce, every fiber of my being. Every molecule of my little elfin body. But I hate me too. It's a sad thing that probably the only person that could talk me out of committing suicide is the one that is the reason I as doing it.
So now I see it all clear, like the veil has been lifted, like the smokescreen which clung to my vision is gone. And I think, in death, I finally understand why you wanted her over me. It is because, in trying to keep you, I drove you away. In trying to be what I thought you wanted me to be, I destroyed the qualities which drew you to me in the first place. I'm sorry, Artemis. But I hope you are happy. So, the knife is red, the bed sheets are stained, and I'm on my way to either heaven or hell. Forgive the messy handwriting and the stain. I hope this will get to you. Foaly should honor my wishes in my will. So, adieu.
Last, but not least. Turns out we could have children together after all. I so wanted to tell you at Artemis the Third's christening. But I couldn't break up you and Juliet. You have a family now. So I went home, stared at myself in the mirror and tried to find the flaws in me. I said everything I ever wanted to say, but not to you, only your photo. I cried for hours, until I remembered that only one thing could stop my pain now, and that wasn't crying. I hope you get this letter.
Goodbye, Artemis Fowl II. I love you. She would have been a beautiful little girl.
Holly Short, ex-LEPrecon
Holly finished her letter and sealed it in an envelope. She marked it with his name. Then she walked over to the bed, uncaring of the drops of blood cascading down her arms, and lay down. She smiled. As her vision went black, she didn't stop smiling. A figure walked towards from the light that had suddenly appeared over her head. The figure extended a hand. "Come on, Holly," its voice echoed. Holly reached out her own hand. "I'm coming, Dad," she said. Holly walked away into the light, leaving behind the shell that she once was.
Several days later…
Artemis Fowl dropped his head into his hands, tears flowing down his cheeks. The fairies had thoughtfully sent him a copy of the report written by the coroner that examined Holly's body. Autopsy revealed death by massive blood loss due to several lacerations made to both right and left inner forearms. I rule this death a suicide. He read the last line of the report once more. Deceased was pregnant with female fetus. Their faces flashed in his head. Foaly, accusing; Trouble Kelp, furious; so many different faces of fairies that looked at him with rage and hate in their eyes. "What have I done?" he muttered, scrubbing his eyes harshly on the heels of his hands. "Oh, Holly. What have I done?"
Please review, kind strangers…