Title: Speak for Yourself, Shorty: Bleachified Version

Fandom(s): Fullmetal Alchemist/Bleach

Summary: Ever wonder what would happen if the Fullmetal Alchemist Edward Elric met Gotei 13's 10th Division Captain Hitsugaya Toushiro? Let's just say the words of taboo are used more than just once.

Disclaimer: I do not own Fullmetal Alchemist or Bleach. If I did, this would have really happened.

Author's Note: I'm posting 2 versions of this. This is the Bleach version, what Hitsugaya's thinking during this whole… ordeal, should I call it. That means there'll also be an FMA version I'll be posting in the FMA section, which is more on what Ed's thinking. I encourage that you read both versions since the ending is different, and it'll make this whole story a lot funnier to read both Ed's and Hitsugaya's reactions of each other. It'll probably even be cooler if you read them at the same time. xD

Also, this takes place at the very end of ep. 50 and the beginning of 51 of FMA.

Edward Elric couldn't speak; he couldn't move, and he couldn't believe what he had just heard. He stared at the grinning face of his father's first son. Envy.

Then it came. A searing pain shot throughout his whole body as he felt a sharp object rip through his chest. He couldn't breathe, and the metallic taste of blood caught in his throat. He gasped and coughed up a mouthful blood as Envy wrenched his hand out of Ed's chest. The alchemist fell onto the ground, lying in a pool of his own blood. Slowly, everything became blurry, and before long, darkness consumed him.

Hitsugaya Toushiro, Captain of the 10th Division, sat at his desk, fluently moving his pen across the pile of paperwork that lay on it. He glanced up slightly, sighting the sleeping form of his Vice-Captain. Sighing inwardly, he continued with his paperwork. As usual, his Vice-Captain had a sake party, in his office, and is currently unable to help him with the mountain of paperwork that lay on his desk. He was just about finished with his current paper, when a Hell butterfly fluttered into the room.

"Oi, Matsumoto, there's a Hell butterfly in the room."

Matsumoto, who had just been having a wonderful dream about drinking a year supply of sake, groaned as she sat up in her oh-so-favorite couch. Her head felt as if she had been hit by a ton of bricks. She looked up and found herself staring into the glaring, turquoise eyes of her Captain. Reluctantly, she got up from the couch and held out her hand, allowing the butterfly to perch itself on it.

"Hitsugaya-taichou, please report to Yamamoto-taichou immediately."

Without a pause, the white-haired genius stood up from his desk and ordered, "Matsumoto, finish the rest of the paperwork," before he shunpo-ed out of the room. Right when he left, however, Matsumoto plopped onto her favorite couch and returned to her year supply of sake.

When Hitsugaya arrived at the 1st Division headquarters, he found Yamamoto-Genryusai sitting at his desk. The old man looked up when he sensed the 10th Division Captain's arrival.

"Ah, Hitsugaya-taichou, I need you to go to a foreign place called Amestris. There's a boy, Edward Elric, he's dying as we speak. I need you to escort him here."

Hitsugaya didn't ask why he had been the one chosen to escort the boy to Soul Society and not some other shinigami; instead, he simply answered, "I understand. I'll leave immediately."

When the 10th Division Captain stepped through the portal door into Amestris, he found himself in a dim, yellow place. He looked around and found a bizarre looking gate with a huge eye inscribed in the center. Standing in front of the gate was a short, blonde-haired teenager, dressed in black attire.

"Are you Edward Elric?"

The blonde-haired teen spun around in shock, staring at the diminutive Captain.

"Yes. Who're you?"

"Hitsugaya Toushiro, Shinigami Captain of the 10th Division."

"You're a shini-what?"

"A shinigami, a Death God," Hitsugaya answered with hints of irritation in his voice. "Now if you would follow me. I'm supposed to bring you to Soul Society."

The white-haired Captain took a few steps and was just about to create a portal back into Soul Society, when he heard a laugh.

"Wait, you said you were a Death God? But you're only a kid, and you're shorter than me."

Hitsugaya suddenly froze, his left eyebrow twitching slightly. Not only had the guy called him 'kid' but also 'short'… all in the same sentence. Those were two words of taboo never to be used to call Hitsugaya Toushiro, let along in the same sentence. And it wasn't as if the blonde-haired teen was much taller than him anyway.

"Speak for yourself. You're not much taller than me either," Hitsugaya answered coldly.

"Who are you calling a shrimp so small that you need a magnifying glass to be able to see me!" the Fullmetal Alchemist shouted vehemently.

"Then who are you calling kid when I'm about ten times older than you!" the short Captain retorted, just as fervently.

"It's good to know that someone older than me is also shorter than me!"

"You wouldn't be all that tall if it weren't for that antenna on your head and your two inch thick shoes!"

"You would be even shorter than me if it wasn't for your spiky hair!"

Oh, guy's done it now; not only did he call Hitsugaya a short kid, but the guy also talked bad about his hair. No shinigami can survive the wrath Hitsugaya Toushiro if they talked bad about his hair. He had spent three hours this morning trying to gel it all up.

If it weren't for Yamamoto's orders, he would've released Hyourinmaru on the blonde-haired alchemist and froze him into an ice cube. Bits of frost and ice already formed where ever the place he's in at the moment. Not only that, he also found Ed's voice extremely irritating, yet also unusually familiar, like he was arguing with himself.

"Your voice is irritating!" Edward stated hotly.

"So is yours," the Captain retorted curtly.

"It sounds as if I'm arguing with myself!" both of them announced simultaneously.

Gold met turquoise as the two diminutive geniuses glared at each other.

"You're still shorter than me!"

"Not with that antenna and those shoes!"

"That's it!" Ed bellowed, clapping his hands together.

"You're going down!" Hitsugaya shouted, his hand on Hyourinmaru's hilt.

Hitsugaya was just about go bankai and freeze the boy into an ice cube, when he suddenly noticed Ed's body beginning to fade, getting fainter and fainter until he disappeared. The shinigami Captain stared at the place the boy had just been standing, blinking several times.

"What the hell just happened?" Hitsugaya wondered loudly to himself.

Just as he said that, the portal to Soul Society appeared in front of him. Hitsugaya, being the genius that he is, remembered how Yamamoto sent him to so-called "escort" Edward Elric to Soul Society, and not just some seated officer. Then, just when the person he was supposed to escort disappeared, the portal just so happens to conveniently appear. Surely this wasn't just a coincidence.

Without a second thought, the young Captain stepped through the door and found himself in Yamamoto's office, staring at the amused faces of several other Captains.

"Yamamoto-taichou, did you know that that Edward Elric was not actually going die?" Hitsugaya asked, suppressing his anger as best as he could.

"Ah, well, yes. I thought the boy was quite similar to you, being also a genius from where he's from," the old man replied, smiling.

"It was actually my idea," Shunsui chuckled. "Always wanted to see what it would be like to put to geniuses together."

"Both of your reactions were rather amusing. But I do hope you don't hold a grudge against us for this, Hitsugaya-taichou" Ukitake said.

"Not at all, Ukitake-taichou," Hitsugaya answered as politely as possible. "Now if you'll excuse, I have some work to finish."

Once he was out of the room, he could hear the Captains whispering and chuckling to each other. Not hold a grudge, eh? Oh, he'll get them back someday… when they least expect it, and that includes Edward Elric. No body calls Hitsugaya Toushiro a short kid and talks bad about his hair.

Author's Notes: You have no idea how long I've been wanting to do this fic where Hitsu meets Ed. The two characters were just asking to be paired up together, being the short geniuses they are, and Romi Paku equals love.

Anyway, after some research, Ed is actually taller than Hitsugaya. According to the omake chapter at the end of FMA vol. 2, Ed is 165cm (about 5'4") including the antenna and shoes. Hitsugaya, however, is 133cm (making him about 4'4"), so yeah, Hitsu's really really short. But they made him taller in the anime.

I hope the readers enjoyed this since this has been the first fanfic I've written since 2 or 3 years ago. If you haven't already done so, please read the other version!