Warning-If you don't like Slashiness then don't read.

I've dated so many girls, and no matter how rich or good-looking the girl was I never really felt happy. It took me so long to realize I was just lying to myself. I was falling in love with my stepbrother. I tried to push the thought out of my mind with more girls, but it seemed to only make it worse.

When I kissed them, Josh's face would fill my head. His pouty lips, on my lonely ones. My mom hates gay people, especially queers. The whole reason my mother is divorced is because my father found out he was gay. She was pissed, thinking she wasn't good enough for him, or any man, if she couldn't even please the one she was married to.

After that I don't want to disappoint her I'm gay as well. But the only guy I've ever liked is Josh, so I can't be that gay. Sometimes late at night I watch Josh sleep, he looks so peaceful, so vulnerable. Actually he is vulnerable a lot of the time.

And that is one of the reasons I act mean to him, I don't want him finding out I love him in THAT way. Which brings up another point, Mindy Crenchsaw, my rival. The girl, the only girl, who could take Josh away. I hate her for that, sometimes I hate josh for it. But I remember it's not his fault, he just wants someone to love.

I wonder sometimes if I had just told him how I felt he would be with me instead of Mindy. We're in our room, Josh intently doing his homework, my gaze on him. He feels my stare, and looks up at me, "Drake, you okay?" The concern in his voice melts my heart, and I have the urge to get up and just tell him, "No, I'm not okay. I love you, and I need you." But I hold it back, stuffing it in me, making a gaping hole in my soul.

I smile and nod. He smiles back, returning to his homework. I've never been a very religious person, but since these thoughts have occurred I've started to repent for them. I don't know much about the Bible, but what I'm thinking and doing is enough to get me sent to hell and burn.