The Voicemail

Josh stared at the White House through the gate. Pennsylvania Avenue was empty but for him and a lone patrol car by the partitions. They hadn't even really begun yet, and he already felt overwhelmed. It had never even crossed his mind that he'd have to do this without Leo. He was supposed to have his mentor, not to guide him through everything, but to be a sounding board when needed, to reassure him. Now he was lost.

He had the knowledge to do this, but no one else seemed to have faith in him, so he'd begun to doubt himself. Sure, they'd won the election, but now what? Three days out, and he already had a President-Elect who was disregarding his advice. There were cabinet positions to fill, a staff to hire…Josh's head was spinning as he turned into Lafayette Park.

And tonight, he was alone. He couldn't believe that Donna wouldn't come over. He had just assumed that she'd stay at his place while the Treasury girl was at hers. She'd spent every night with him since the election. After Leo died, she'd be a huge comfort for him, and she was just there for him, without question. She was his rock. Now, she wouldn't tell C J that she had somewhere else to stay because she was afraid to tell C J about them. Them. Were they a them? Josh wasn't sure. He wasn't sure about much anymore.

Josh fished his cell phone out of his pocket. A new voicemail. Had she changed her mind? He quickly connected and listened. Mom. Calling to express her condolences again. She said she wished she had come up, but she hadn't made up her mind until it was too late to organize travel plans. That would have been nice, Josh thought. He hadn't seen his mom in almost a year. He'd spoken to her on the phone more in the last week than he had in the last six months though. Priorities.

Josh hoped that there was another message after the first one, but all he got was "no new messages". He should just call her. Ask her to come over again. Beg her. No, he couldn't beg. But he could call her to say hi. She'd see right through it, but before he could change his mind he held down the '1' and connected.

Ring. Josh just wanted to hang up, but it was too late now. Ring. His number would appear on her caller ID. Ring. This was a bad idea. Ring. He could give her up for a night. Ring. He'd tried, she wasn't interested…

"Hi, you've reached Donna Moss. I'm unavailable right now, but if you leave your name and number I'll call you back"

"At the tone, please record your message. When you have finished recording you may hang up or press 1 for more options" Beeeeeep.

Josh stood there frozen. He should have just hung up, but now it was too late. He was recording. Fuck.

"…uh…hi…its me…I'm,…uh,…just calling to say hi…see how you're doing…I…I'm a little lost…I don't know…it sounds stupid…never mind…have fun at C J's…" Josh paused again, unsure how to continue. He should just hang up, he thought, but couldn't. Might as well just go for it, he didn't think that he could sound like any more of an idiot. "I'm walking home now…I miss you…I wish I had found the right words earlier…You should have just told C J…Fuck, I don't care if C J knows…I guess…No, I don't care…she can know…its not like this is just going to go away…right?... God, I'm bad at this…You know, I was just looking at the White House…and I thought…God, how are we going to do this without him?...I don't know if I can do this…you're the only one…who I could tell that to…I'm rambling…I'll let you go now…enjoy C J's…" Josh went to click 'end' and paused. "I really wish you were here…I don't know what it is…I'm all over the fucking place…you just ground me…I kind of need that tonight…I need you…yeah, I guess I do…I ne—"

Her voicemail cut him off. Josh snapped his phone shut, and continued walking.