The lady Tai Greywing has pleaded loss of sugar to the lack of synopsis for the ninth Doctor's final hour, and so ladles, and jellyspoons, it falls to me, Mousewolf, humble reviewer, and minor fic-writer to this fine fandom. I'm probably quite as mad as Tai, and since I have likely more of a tendency to babble, this may be slightly more long-winded and probably less funny (it is a fairly serious episode, you know) than the others…anyway, let's get on with it, shall we?
And, oh yeah, I don't own the BBC, Chris Eccleston, or anyone or anything mentioned in this traversty – I mean, parody…
(All author's notes are from Mousewolf unless they specifically say otherwise!)
'See you in hell.'
('You were fantastic. Absolutely fantastic. And you know what? So was I.')
A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away…I forgot which fandom I was meant to be writing in.
Moving swiftly on…
The Daleks are about to invade planet earth (A/N: why always Earth? Have all the aliens on this show got a monkey fetish, or something? They should go bother some other race, and Trouble can go save a pretty and sparkly race with big teeth and claws…sorry. Personal fantasy – just ignore me), and Rose is in their hands. Suckers. Laser-guns. Grasp, at any rate. But never fear, fearless viewers! Trouble-on-legs has just told the Daleks 'I'm the doctor. Run for your life!' actually, he said nothing of the sort. (A/N: in this episode, at least. What goes around comes around…)
So the Daleks get really scared and angry and try to bully our Miss Tyler into telling them what he's up to. And she doesn't know. Who does these days? Just when Rose is about to tell them where precisely they can shove it, the
'Terrific At Ruining Daleks' Imminent Schemes' (and that's my own invention –bows-) "is de-tec-ded!" unfortunately. But this is seven o'clock, we're talking here. And the BBC. Ah well, can't have everything…
And the Daleks blow the old blue box that's spinning randomly in space far far away, and they all live happily ever after. Eh, not likely, thanks. In reality (I wish!) Captain Jack Harkness-Sparrow-whatever-the-last-name-is-of-that-guy-on-Lost (Tai: Sheppard) has neutralized the pan-galactic-gargle-blaster from 'Boom Town' – yeah I know it's a surfboard, but gargle-blasters are more fun – and has made it into a nice comfy shield for the
'Trouble And Rose Don't Indefinitely (get) Separated.' (In a perfect world…but that's for next season, kiddies. Oh, fantastic. I've gone and depressed myself now – just going to go and read a crackfic or two. Okay, back.) and with that they rescue Rose and Jack explodes the Dalek that was standing next to her with the BIIIIIIG gun he nicked off his robot girlfriends (Trin-E and Zu-zana, reasonable couple - but when they wanted to start playing Black Widows the relationship sorta went downhill slightly) and he and Trouble share a little planet-angst. Well, sorta…
"What? But that's fake! A kid's story!"
"No it ain't."
"Yeah it is."
"No, it ain't…"
When our favourite alien finally persuades Captain Jack that he has been taking his medication (anti-shell-shock pills. Beyond that, don't ask.) he immediately proves to the otherwise by stepping out the door to 'meet the neighbours'.
Or not. Although he does seem convinced that they're the British Eurovision group for some reason, but then he goes and starts gloating on about how he's the only thing that Daleks are scared of. Apparently, they call him the Oncoming Storm…which just sounds like a poetic way of saying Trouble-on-legs to me.
Anyway, he discovers that the Daleks are all part-human, have Got Religon, and are all insane. Yup, they're human alright. He gets so upset that he snarls at them a couple of times, then beats a hasty retreat and stands with his forehead against his arm leaning on the door of the
'Time Ain't Relative, Dear, It's (just) Serious', looking suitably angst-y.
Well, he should. Guess he killed his species off for nothing.
Back at headquarters, i.e the gamestation / satellite five, Lynda-with-a-Y still hasn't left. Looks like the possible new companion theory's going ahead.
"Silly little apes! Why haven't you left?"
"This is the Titanic – I mean, the gamestation! We haven't got enough lifeboats!"
Ah well, at least it looks like they've got cannon fodder. Speaking of – Random-dislikeable-strongest-link-guy is whining that he hasn't got his money. Eh?
You've got bigger things to worry about mate, take it from me.
Trouble has a revelation – the Daleks gave them a weapon. Sorta. The Barbeque- delta-wave, voila! But it's a killer wave- and you're not meant to know that yet. Dammit. Ignore me. And naturally, there's never enough TIME….
Jack says his grand goodbyes to Rose and Trouble…by giving them both a big ol' smoosh on the kisser. Is it just me, or did it look like Rose wanted the boys to go a bit further than that?
Captain Sparrow informs all the little redshirts that they're gonna be killed by a bunch of monsters that look like remote-control pepperpots. (A/N: and I was thinking that they were…) Random-dislikeable-strongest-link does the 'this guy is crazy, don't listen to him!' stint and Captain Jack Harkness proves that Americans DO make some of the best speeches, according to the theories of narrative law, at least…
So they've got a handful of silly little apes protecting them with bastic or plastic or something weird bullets. Metal ones didn't help much, but I guess they gotta try something…
Meanwhile, the BBQ-wave is starting to build, and Trouble's sulking after Jack ups and leaves and Rose suggests they clear out without him. Then her alien makes her clear out in the
'Terribly Arbitrary Rare Domain Inside (this) Ship.'
Understandably, she's a bit upset about that you know – screams at the ship an' all. How rude.
As soon as she's home, Mickey-the-idiot runs up and starts babbling, and then she proceeds to burst into tears. I would too, I suppose.
(The scenes have a tendency to flick back and forth from this point, so watch this space…)
Back on the gamestation, five/fifteen/fifty centuries ahead, Trouble is working on the BBQ wave when
Jack gives him a call – to make sure if Rose knows how to recognise numbers, apparently. When he finds out she's not, He goes, 'Ah, well. Just you an' me, Handsome.' Then the emperor of the Daleks (A/N: did I tell you about him? Guess not. Basically, big giant immobile Dalek, reckons he's God. I've heard stranger.) breaks into their conversation, informs Sparrow that Trouble will kill them all – strangely, this comes as no surprise to the Captain (paranoid or what?) – and if he's God, then Trouble's the devil. Heh, nice devil…
Also, the words BAD WOLF mean nothing him. There goes one idea…
Meanwhile, back on earth 2006, Rose mopes while her ex and her mother discuss fast food. She flips out at them, then runs off crying…again.
And back again – while the CGI team have fun with a Dalek army in space, jack tells Lynda-with-a-Y to be their eyes and ears, then yells at the world in general that:
"This is it, ladies and gentlemen! We are at war!". Just in case you couldn't tell for yourself.
Rose is sulking in a random park. Mickey-the-idiot comes by and says that her alien wants her to have a boring life so she might as well get on with it. She stands up to tell him off when she sees BAD WOLF chalked on the tarmac in front of her, although why she didn't notice it up 'til now – it's in three-foot high letters for godsake! - is beyond me. It's also the graffiti on that wall. And that wall. And that one too – it's everywhere! So is the random-spooky-music! (A/N: Which, by-the-by, sounds like TARDIS-song to me.) It's not a warning. It's a message. She yells this in the poor boy's face before running off. Again. Has all that time with the Doc given her a fitness fetish?
Mickey-the-idiot's told by Rose that the
'Telepathic And Regulated Device Is (his) Ship', is telepathic, but he thinks she's not listening. Yeah, whatever you say, Ricky. His ex-girlfriend tells him to help her break her alien's ship. Well, not exactly break –flashback-to-Boom-Town-which-explains-everything – but crack it open so Rose can boss it around too.
Lynda's playing warmer-colder with the Daleks and the cannon-fodder and Jack, with her cute little viewscreen. The lasers aren't working, and the first of the cannon fodder to go down curses Sparrow with her dying breath. Wonderful.
Quickie shot to Mickey, armed with his Mini Cooper (which has changed from a VW beetle since last we saw it) and a large tow-chain, as he tries to pull open the ship's console while Rose looks on and shouts 'Faster! Faster!' – From a safe distance, of course. It doesn't work, and they break the tow-chain. Surprise, surprise…
The Daleks have reached floor 495. Apparently, Jack likes floor 495 – his other, somewhat longer-lived robot girlfriend lives there. Her name's Anne-droid. Maybe you know her?She gets three whole Daleks before she's blown up. Go Anne. Although…all she's doing is teleporting them back to their ship…so, not much use in the long run.
And then the Daleks go kill all the poor stupid civvies who actually listened to Random-dislikeable-strongest-link. Ah well, at least he dies first.
Rose is depressed. Her plan didn't work. Her mum comes into the
'Take Away Rose (and the) Doctor Is Sulky' (Tai: this one comes from fobofish92, along with MANY more) to offer tea, and condolences so she tells her that her dad'd say otherwise, because he was stubborn and loyal. Jackie Tyler disagrees, then Rose says she knows better, and tells her that she was there when he got hit by the car and died. We know that – so were we.
…and now she's made her mum cry too. So we're all happy. (sarcasm overload).
Lynda-with-a-Y watches the death of Earth's humans and the Emperor of the Daleks gloats about it. Jack's on the last line and he survives until the others (the two controller-types) don't. They get one Dalek in the process, though.
Score: Humans – 4 Daleks – 10000. This match is a bit one-sided hey?
Rose is almost giving up when her mum…drives in with a big yellow tow-truck, and admits that Rose was right.
Lynda-with-a-Y is found by the Daleks and dies. I didn't know they had tech Daleks with butane torches! Jack begins his last stand – what remotely sensible person backs down a corridor, anyway? He knows the bullets don't work – why not just run and hide behind Trouble! Oh yeah, he seems to be American. I forgot.
Speaking of, our favourite alien has just about finished the BBQ-wave-starter (which looks like a black ACME detonator to me) and the Dalek-Emperor-God-guy pops by for a chat.
"Nah-nah nah-nah-nah! You won't kill me! I can't die!"
Did I mention he was crazy?
The big yellow tow-truck (big yellow taxi! Yay!) is hooked up to the console, and Ricky gives it a lot of juice before it works – the glowy green panel lifts up, all this gold light stuff flows out into Rose's eyes (doesn't that hurt?) and the blue box's doors slam shut, slightly ominously…
The good Captain says his – sorta – heroic last words, which happen to be a somewhat sarcastic retort to a Dalek's familiar warcry. Good boy. Now play dead…oops. Not that realistically. Trouble gets told off by the Dalek-emperor –
"You'll become just like me. Mwahahahaha!"
- and decides that he'd much prefer to be a coward than a killer, any day. Pity. But it just means that - when he's surrounded by Daleks with little or no apparent life expectancy over a few seconds – both he and his arch-enemies all get to have the same thought for once, as the
'Telephone-box! A Reasonable Disguise, It Seems' (Tai: Tai Greywing claims this one. What fun is creating a challenge if you don't take part?) appears and Rose/not-Rose comes from it in a swirl of white-gold light – WTF?
Or at least, that was my thought, and it was written all over our favourite alien's angular features. God knows what the Daleks where thinking – well, the Emperor of the Daleks probably does, but he just reckons he's God, silly pepperpot-guy – it's probably something like 'must kill Doc-tor then go get milk'.
One of the little pepperpot soldiers gets a bit trigger happy, and so no sooner has gold-glowy-Rose-with-very-cool-CGI-contact-lenses announced that she's the big BAD WOLF ( A/N: the
'Travelling Around Rough (and) Distant (places) Indefinitely So', must really be digging about in her mind, you can even hear her when the Bad Wolf speaks, although apparently the time vortex is to blame, but isn't the time vortex inside the ship, or is the ship inside the time vortex? Okay, that's gonna be bugging me all week now… ) she gets shot at with a Dalek laser-bolt. Well, attempted, at any rate. But then the SFX guys step in and Rose-wolf reverses the bolt, and the poor little pepperpot soldiers have about five seconds to look puzzled (in as much as they can) before they're dissolved into gold mist and fine white ash.
They've been disintegrated - for real, this time.
Then the Emperor/God/Leader-dude of the Daleks gets to say ,"Nooo! You can't kill meee! I am invincible!"
(A/N: which, if you're a bad guy, is a sure-fire way to get you very very deaded.) Before the big Bad Wolf huffs, and puffs, and blows his house in. Hehe.
Having got over his shock slightly, Trouble stands up and has a brief talk with Glowy-Rose about the dangers of absorbing the soul of his ship. She doesn't apologise because apparently, she can 'bring life' – and with that, with get a close-up shot of Sparrow gasping awake in the hallway outside. (Yay! He's alive! Told you he was also only pretending!)
Then she starts complaining that her head hurts, that everything, literally everything hurts – am I the only one who noticed tear-tracks on her skin during this scene? – and for THAT, he kisses her.
Honestly, the only kiss they ever get on-screen and she doesn't remember it afterwards – someone kill the writers, please…
And the shiny goldy time-vortexy stuff comes swirling out of her eyes and into his. Wow. It must've been a good kiss, 'coz now she's fainted. He stands up, and again I go wow. He should wear those CGI contacts lenses all the time. While they made Rose look all mystic and goddess-y, they just make him look really powerful and really scary…any bad guys'd just run away screaming if they saw him like that.
So he takes a big deep breath – and blows it all back into the
'Terrific, Awesome, Really (fantastic), Dandy Incredible Ship' (Tai: thanks to Briar Elwood and my apologies for being such a slow updater), then stumbles, suddenly looking really small (or is that just the camera angle? Nah, s'just me.) and normal again. As if Trouble could ever look normal.
Back in the ship, Rose regains consciousness and wonders how on Earth she got there, and is sceptical of her alien's singing talents. We get a shot of his hand with gold still twisting in the veins, then he start yammering about what he probably thinks is a perfectly good explanation about what's about to happen to him but leaves poor Rose confused and scared. And so say all of us…
Just when he's gotten on to his theory about dogs and planets with no noses (or was it the other way round?) he doubles up in pain then does a really good golden phoenix impression. In the bright light, we can just see something changing…
…and when our eyesight returns to us, he's not there.
Or is he?
This new, pale-skinned stranger (Mr. This-leather-jacket-really-doesn't-look-right-on-me) blinks a few times, complains about his teeth, and grins brightly.
Where were we?
Summary of the Synopsis:
Rose saves the world, and the Doctor gets blown up in the process. He's okay, but there's one little problem…
…he's now David Tennant.
A note from Tai:
Seeing as I couldn't write more then about two paragraphs of my own version, I am indebted to my dear Mousewolf for finishing this off for me. But the show's not over yet! Oh no, go to my profile page to find the links for the next chapters in this bizarre excuse for a story.
Claimer: Despite all the things that over the chapters I've said I don't own, I'd like to point out that I do own something (I think). The name for the Doctor that is Trouble-on-legs, or just Trouble (with a capital, bold AND italicised 'T'). I believe it belongs to me. However, I'm not averse to anyone else using it, in fact please do. Spread the word! I just want to say: You heard it here first.
And on that note ('La!'), I'll say thanks for reading. Review? For both me and Mousewolf?