Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter or BtAS.
"Yup, Mista J?"
The Joker cocked his head, staring at his 'scheming table' with a look of distaste. On top of the pile of failed jokes, wrinkled city maps, bank blueprints, and updated lists of the rich and temporarily well-to-do sat a large red envelope.
"What is this, Harley?" Joker snapped. "What have I told you about touching my things—especially when they're on this table?"
"Oh, that came for you while you were out, puddin'," Harley answered quickly, following up with a huge grin. "I swear I didn't put it there—the bird did."
The Joker resisted the urge to roll his eyes. "The bird, Harl? I certainly hope you're not referring to one of the bat's brats."
Harley pouted. "No," she said. "It was an owl."
Blinking, the Clown Prince leaned toward her. "An owl left an envelope on my desk? And you didn't think to see what was inside? I somehow doubt it's a letter from Ma and Pa back on the farm."
"Of course not, Mista J," Harley said with a short giggle. "It has your name on it."
The clown opened his mouth to speak, but then eyes caught a better look at the envelope. In large, formal writing it proved the Clown Princess correct:
Mr. The Joker
The Scheming Table in the Smelting Factory
4400 Dockside Drive
"Oh, well. . ." The Joker reached forward. "Indeed it does."
Before his fingers could graze the envelope, the parcel sprang to life, flap opening to form a mouth. Loud, cheerful,Englishvoices came booming out of the envelope.
"Hello! And thank you for your interest in Weasleys' Wizard Wheezes! My name is Mr. Weasley," said the first voice.
The second broke in automatically. "And I am his associate Mr. Weasley. We appreciate your inquiry, Mr. The Joker, and we're happy to announce. . ."
The two Mr. Weasleys' voices joined as one. "That you qualify for our special, one-time only offer of membership into the soon-to-be-world-renowned Prankster's Paradise!"
Whistles and party favors sounded from the envelope and confetti exploded out of the mouth onto Joker and Harley. The Joker spat out a tiny piece of colored paper, brow raised in either shock or amazement. The envelope waddled on two corner pieces toward the clown.
"Order today," one of the voices continued. "And receive free membership into Prankster's Paradise, an official Prankster's Paradise hat. . ."
Harley squealed in delight, clapping her gloved hands.
"And don't forget," the other voice said. "Today's purchase also comes with a free Shield Cloak to protect the owner from pesky things like minor spells, muggle weapons including guns (whatever the bloody hell they are), and angry doxies."
The Weasleys joined again. "So order today . . . or you'll be sorry."
A thick catalog shot out of the envelope suddenly, smacking the Joker on the head. The Clown Prince caught the booklet, rubbing his forehead with his free hand. When the packaging fell silent, Harley covered her mouth, fearful that her favorite squeeze would be upset. But, to her relief, he began to laugh.
"They've got style, whoever they are," the Joker chuckled, sitting the catalog on his table and staring at the front cover. "Harl, did you order this for my birthday?"
Harley rocked on her heels nervously. "Uhhh, you know me, Puddin'."
The Joker hadn't heard her. His villainous eyes were sweeping over the pages as full of wonderful delight as a five-year-old on Christmas morning. This was the jackpot.
A horde of tricks and pranks sat before him, illustrated in moving pictures that showed what purpose they served. Beneath each titled picture was a price guide and a paragraph explaining the product's usage; however, when the Joker moved his hand over one of the paragraphs, the words changed, leaving behind sentences that spoke directly to the reader.
Most popular amongst school students, this inexpensive candy is both affordable and . . . Hey, you know what would be fun, slipping every one of those rich city snobs one of these at their next billionaires' party. Blood, screaming--what more could you ask for? And talk about a good distraction. . . .
The Joker let out a manic laugh that startled even Harley. Then he quickly passed through the candy and food section.
Instant Dark Power
Specially imported from Peru, this fine grain power is extremely useful in availing . . . Getting away from those pesky coppers! Sprinkle a bit of this baby and even the Bat will have trouble finding you!
"Not bad," Joker grinned, "Not bad at all. I gotta give these Weasley kiddos some credit. . ."
"How are they doin' that?" Harley exclaimed, staring over his shoulder at the moving words and pictures.
"Magic," the Joker answered simply. "Well, that is what they're selling after all. Normally I'd be more of a skeptic, but I've got a hunch they're selling the real deal. Plus there was a talking envelope involved. Now, how to order. . ." The Joker flipped through the catalog.
"You mean pay for somethin', Puddin'?" the Clown Princess asked in surprise. "Why don't we just knock over their warehouse?"
The Joker did roll his eyes this time. "Because, Harl, they did't give any return address. We have no idea where they are, and their prices aren't so bad—plus we get a free hat this way."
Harley grinned dreamily at the thought. "But if there's not address, then how do we order?"
"Aha! It says here that we simple concentrate on what we want and sign our names in the square provided for conformation. Payment is accepted upon owl delivery." The Joker shrugged. "What the heck, Harl, let's shop."
Harley giggled. "Oh, yay! Can I have . . .? "
"How 'bout a . . .?"
"But I wanna . . .?"
"Nope." The Joker snatched a pin from his pocket, signing in huge, jagged letters, The Joker. "There. It says the order should be in within a few hours."
The Joker grew quiet, tilting his head to watch his signature fade away and new letters appear on the order form.
You should have read the fine print.
"What does that mean, Puddin'?" Harley asked.
The Joker swallowed deeply, frantically searching the page with widened eyes. Finally he saw it, at the bottom, right-hand corner of the back cover. He raised the catalog close to his face, attempting to read the minute words. His jaw dropped when they came into focus.
Due to recent complains, any orders made with criminal, unlawful, and/or life threatening intent will be subject to evaluation, and the location of the person placing the order will be reported to any local ministry personal, law enforcement agencies, golden boys, or super heroes. Sorry for the inconvenience. Have a nice day!
Hearing one of his cronies hit the floor with a groan, the Joker looked up. A figure in black walked out of the shadows.
"Planning a few pranks?" Batman asked.
The Joker sighed. "Harley, what have I told you about keeping junk mail?"
"Sorry, Mista J."
End Notes: Ok, so that one shot was pretty tame. Anyhow, if you liked it, I had a follow-up idea... Review and receive a free pie in the face. Ah, shucks, thanks for reading.