Navi the Kokiri? (wow…it's almost been three years since I updated this fanfic)
Disclaimer: I do not own anything in the Legend of Zelda franchise. And I'm beginning to wish that I didn't own some of these old fanfics of mine.
Cherry-sama: Why hello there, dear readers!
Skeleton of Reviewer: …
Cherry-sama: Erm… How's the weather?
Cherry-sama: …Okay, I need to be more consistent with my updates…
Link sat contently atop a hill in Hyrule field. He scanned the article in his newspaper, then turned his head to the next page. Cuccos killing a farmer. Goron's are miraculously saved from their starvation. Political rebellions against ruthless dictator Ganondorf, taking place somewhere in the Gerudo Desert. Same old, same old. Where was the comic's section again?
A small girl ran up to him. She wore a clothes and had hair. However, her biggest flaw was not that she was necessarily ugly, but that the authoress had never given her a proper description, and she therefore had no distinguishable features.
Link turned the page of his paper. On that page was another silly "End of the World" prediction. Link chuckled. As if the Goddesses would have any reason to flood Hyrule in the first place.
"Link! Link!" the girl yelled as she came closer.
Link paused and began to ponder this doomsday scenerio. Would this mean that his descendants would have to travel by boat? Link shrugged and turned to the next page.
"Link!" the girl huffed, "I've been looking all over for you!"
Link put down his paper, "You know, this would make a lot more sense if I knew how to read."
"Never mind that, you idiot!" the girl groaned, "You won't believe what I have to tell you!"
Link raised an eyebrow, "Did Mido set my house on fire again?"
"No! Not that!" the girl huffed.
"Then what is it, Vina?" Link sighed.
"Look!" Navi pointed to the camera, "The authoress has decided to update this fanfic!"
Link looked up from his paper. He gazed directly into the camera's lens.
Link fell over backwards "HOLY MONKEY TURDS! Is this even possible?"
"I know!" Navi nodded, "I was shocked too, at first!"
"Wow…" Link gasped, "The thought…that this fanfic might actually have a conclusion…"
"Not quite," Navi said, "The authoress said that she finds this story too lame, and unoriginal to continue working with it. It has too many plot errors, and too many of the characters are out of character."
"Why is that stopping her?" Link asked, "It's not like she stopped writing Totally Whacked for those reasons."
"She also forgot where she was going with the plot," Navi explained.
"Oh," Link scratched his head.
A small gust of wind blew across the field.
"So where were we last?" Link lifted up the script, "Didn't the previous chapter end on a cliffhanger?"
"Oh yeaaahhh…" Navi nodded, "I forgot about that."
Link flipped through the script, "According to this, the last place we left off was in the Lost Woods. And I was being a jerk, and was about to get attacked by something behind a bush."
Navi raised an eyebrow, "Behind a bush? Seriously, couldn't she have come up with more intimidating set ups? Besides! Are there any bushes in the Lost Woods to begin with?"
Link paused, "True, true."
"What was behind that bush anyway?" Navi asked, "That non-existent bush?"
Link shrugged, "A Wolfos? A bear? Why was I even in the Lost Woods to begin with?"
"I dunno," Navi said, "And we will never know, because the authoress is too afraid to reread the previous chapters, to make this chapter have any sense of continuity."
Link shook his fist at the sky, "Darn you Cherry-sama! Why couldn't we have gotten her sister to be our writer?"
Navi sighed, "I know. Like, come on. ObsidianSickle has taken creative writing courses, for crying out loud. Cherry-sama doesn't have a dime on her!"
"Why does Cherry-sama think she has any writing skill at all?" Link asked, "After all, the only thing she's good at is writing dialogue! She should go into comic writing, not fanfiction writing!"
"And that might explain why we've been talking for three consecutive pages already…" Navi rubbed her chin.
"Very true, Vina. Very true."
Navi pulled something out of her pocket, "Here, catch."
She tossed something at Link's head. It knocked Link over. DUN DUN DUN DUUUUN! Link got the Eye of Truth! My! Talk about incontinuity!
"What was that for?" Link yelled, "What did I ever do to you?"
"I figured since the authoress isn't going to write any more of this fanfic, I might as well reveal my identity," Navi explained, "Plus, this is the way the authoress had originally intended for you to find out. Besides, the fake name I have for myself sounds very similar to a dirty word, so it's best if we forget that I ever had that nickname, and hopefully forget this fanfic ever existed."
"Wait…" Link paused, "In the original game, I wasn't going to get the Eye of Truth until much later on in the game… She seriously intended you to stick by my side until then?"
"I know," Navi sighed, "This fanfic was originally intended to be another one of those retelling of Ocarina of Time, only with the addition of an Original Character."
"The authoress thought she could get away with it, since I was a canon character. However, she somehow still managed to transform my character into a Mary-Sue."
"Come on, Link," Navi sighed, "When has Mido hit on anybody? Let alone jumped up and down to try and peek on someone in the bath."
"Why was there a basketball court next to my house anyway?" Link scratched his head.
"And the fact that I got your empty house when I was 'adopted' into the Kokiri clan," Navi shook her head, "Sure, I may not have been the worst Mary-Sue on this site, but all the evidence points towards it."
"And to think," Link sniffled, "You were a canon character!"
"Seriously, I think the authoress likes my character too much," Navi huffed, "Anyway, are you going to use the Eye of Truth or not?"
Link sighed, and lifted the Eye of Truth to his eye. Like the lame and clichéd fanfic that it was, Link gasped in amazement at what he saw. All of Navi's Kokiri limbs and body had vanished, leaving only Navi's undescribed outfit to float in midair. Link looked at where Navi's head used to be, and saw the body of his familiar fairy. Link's jaw dropped.
"That's right, Link," Navi said, "I…am Navi."
The authoress left room for a dramatic pause.
"Ugh. Finally," Navi groaned, "Now we can ditch that lame, scrambled up version of my name, that just happened to sound like vagi—"
"EEEWWW!" Link rubbed his lips furiously, "I can't believe I kissed Navi!"
The authoress left room for an awkward pause as well.
"Umm…What?" Navi asked.
"Well, since you were going to do your big reveal," Link said, "I thought I might as well say the line the authoress had intended me to say."
"Wait…" Navi paused, "The authoress was planning on having us kiss?"
Link shrugged, "Apparently. It's rather strange coming from a writer who apparently ships me and Ruto together."
Navi gave her copy of the script a disgusted look, "Who writes this %*#$?"
"What I don't understand is why this fanfic was rated T to begin with," Link added, "Like, apart from your last line, which was censored, there wasn't any swearing. And the only thing out of the ordinary as for romance was the fact that Mido was Out of Characterly trying to peak on you in the bath."
"Maybe it was because my fake name sounded too similar to an explicit &*% term," Navi nodded, "I can't believe she had to have a reviewer point that out to her before she realized it."
"Wow, she even censored the word 'sex'?" Link raised an eyebrow, "Now I'm really confused as to why this is rated T."
There was a pause.
"Hey! I think that's the first time in any of her fanfics I got away with saying &*%!" Link exclaimed, "Aw, dang, she censored it again."
"So…" Navi flipped through the pages of the script, "Did she ever think of a way to change me back?"
"Hmm…" Link scratched his head, "That's a good question. Maybe she never came up with one."
"No, that's not it," Navi said, "I remember her telling me backstage that she was intending to turn me back to a fairy by the end of this fanfic. I think she even mentioned that I'd get together with Ivan too."
Link sighed, "How come I'm never allowed to get any girls in Cherry-sama's fanfics?"
"It's because of her fundamental belief that you should stay single."
"But she's going to let Wind Waker Link get together with Tetra at the end of Totally Bizarre!" Link pointed out, "Why can't I get a girl too?"
"Because you are still a kid, and have not gone through puberty. And our authoress makes no sense," Navi explained, "Honestly, I can't see why I was interested in you in the first place."
"You were interested in me?"
"We kissed later, didn't we?"
Navi sat on the ground.
"So, wanna help me turn back into a fairy?" Navi asked.
"It would resolve the plot once and for all, and us hanging out together a lot less awkward," Navi said.
"Okay, sure," Link said, "So do you want to go back to those backstabbing pink fairies and beat them up until they turn you back?"
"How did you find out about the pink fairies?" Navi asked, "Bah, whatever. I've got a better idea."
Navi ran backstage and began to ransack the costume room of Totally Whacked. She reemerged shortly.
"That was fast," Link said, "What's that your hand?"
"BEHOLD!" Navi held the item above her head, "The Deus Ex Bracelet! With it, you can harvest the powers of Deus Ex Machina!"
"Whoa, whoa, whoa!" Link said, "Back up here. We can't just use a prop from another one of Cherry-sama's fanfics! That'll make all the readers confused! Well, except for the ones that have read Totally Whacked."
"So?" Navi asked, "It's not like we haven't done it before. Ivan is a character from Totally Messed."
"But still," Link crossed his arms, "I feel like we should turn over a new leaf with this final chapter."
Navi looked around, and picked up a convenient stick.
"Er, um, here!" Navi handed Link the stick, "Use the Deus Ex Stick!"
"But that's just a regular stick—"
"When combined with the powers of the Deus Ex Bracelet, nothing is impossible!" Navi said in a voice telemarketers use.
"You're just making this up as you go along, aren't you?" Link sighed.
Navi glared at the boy.
"Alright, alright," Link sighed.
Link put on the bracelet, and held the stick in dramatically. He waved it around in circles until a giant refrigerator fell from the sky, and landed on Navi. The fridge door swung open and revealed Navi, once again in her fairy form. Best transformation sequence EVAH.
Link looked at the stick, "I have a feeling the stick did nothing at all."
"Hey, you were the one that wanted us to turn over a new leaf," Navi said.
"Okay, okay, I get it," Link sighed, "It's good to have you back. As a fairy, that is."
"And its good to be back," Navi smiled.
Link grinned widely, and Navi nudged him in the arm. The both began to laugh playfully, as one would expect from a lame and clichéd fanfic, such as this one.
"Why were we even fighting to begin with?" Navi sighed.
"We were fighting?" Link asked.
"Isn't that how this fanfic even happened," Navi asked.
"I have no clue. The authoress is too scared to reread the previous chapters," Link noted.
"Ah, touché," Navi nodded, "Link, let us vow never to argue like that again, to stop Cherry-sama from getting ideas on how to start lame fanfics like this one."
"Ugh, agreed," Link groaned, "The last thing we need is to start another fanfic that she's never going to finish."
"Come on, Link, lets go get ice cream in Castle Town," Navi said.
"But don't we have a refrigerator right here?" Link pointed to the refrigerator.
"Yes, but that one was summoned by the powers of the Deus Ex Bracelet. And since it turned me back to a fairy, I frankly don't want to search from ice cream in there."
"Ah, that's a good point," Link nodded, "Plus, we can create another plot hole if we go get ice cream in Castle Town."
"Right, especially since there are no ice cream shops in Castle Town. Or anywhere in this world for that matter," Navi pointed out.
"It's a wonder that we know what ice cream is!" Link smiled.
"Well, Link, let's go," Navi smiled, "Maybe while we're creating a plot hole with the ice cream, we can try and find a logical explanation as to where you got that newspaper at the beginning of the chapter, and why you were reading it!"
"Indeed! Let's go!" Link cheered.
With that, Link ran off to Castle Town to get ice cream, with Navi flying not too far behind. Navi and Link never found reason to argue, and Cherry-sama was never allowed to write fanfiction again.
Cherry-sama: (stares at skeletal reviewer)
Skeletal Reviewer: …
Cherry-sama: It's a wonder why nobody has bothered to bury my reviewers up until now.
Cherry-sama: Well, I hope you enjoyed this fanfic, and especially this last chapter. And I would ask you to review, except that you're dead.
Skeleton: …You evil evil woman…
Skeleton: Excuse me a moment while I go claw her brains out.
Cherry-sama: AAAAAHHHHH! (runs away, with skeleton not too far behind)