There Luv is SoOoO Pure (a shipping fiasco)

By: Merusa

Rating: Mature (omg sex and cussing)

Summary: (Parody) Seventh year, Harry needs to decide who he truly, truly, omg lyke woah loves. And kill some evil guy. But whatever, screw that. Features a musical number and some supporting characters we don't really care about. Warnings: sexual humor, language, American writing HP fanfiction.

Author's Note: This is it. The big one. The one we've all been waiting for. It's my magnum opus, my life's work, my Da Vinci Code. It…will probably get me flamed. Oh well. Enjoy.

PROLOGUE

So Harry was at the Burrow after book 6 chilling with the Weasleys, when owls came saying that Hogwarts was open for the trio's seventh year. Even though he swore he wouldn't, Harry decided to go back anyway, because I like Hogwarts. It was tight, yo. Y'all should've been there.

CHAPTER ONE!1!1!11eleventy1!

So Harry was on the train to Hogwarts, when a random sixth-year that Harry knew he'd met before casually through a "How was your break?" at Harry. Enraged, Harry began to shout. "OMG IT SUCKED. THE DURSLEYS ARE MEAN, YO. THEY ABUSE ME AND SHIT. I DON'T WANT TO BE THE BOY WHO LIVED, I JUST WANNA BE ME! And yourself?"

Ron walked up to Harry. "So. You do realize that by going back to Hogwarts, you are potentially putting the lives of hundreds of students in danger since Volda- Voldo- the evil guy wants to kill you and might attack in a furious rage?"

Harry shrugged. "What about it?"

Ron nodded. "K. Just seeing."

CHAPTER TWO!w20330-84!

The Sorting Hat sang and shit. And Draco's back, cause he's entirely to hot to not be there. What? Draco does not have a pointy face! HAVE YOU SEEN TOM FELTON?

CHAPTER THREE!11!11111111!four!

THE NEXT MORNING

"Harry? What does delusional mean?"

He looked up at Ginny. "I dunno, why?"

She shrugged. "No reason." She stood up, hiked her skirt up her ass, and tackled Dean Thomas to the floor, snogging him vigorously. Harry went back to his toast. He frowned. "Is there anything but bloody pumpkin juice? There used to be apple juice GOD MY LIFE SUCKS."

Seamus poked him with a stick. "Hey, weren't you banging Ginny?"

Harry frowned. "Oh, right, I forgot. Oh well."

Seamus shrugged and made something explode.

Hermione plopped down into the seat next to Harry. He turned, and his jaw dropped.

"Hermione…"

Hermione had CHANGED, man. Her hair was OMG SO STRAIGHT AND SHINY. She'd stopped eating for a couple of weeks, and she was beautifully emaciated. She was wearing blush, red red lipstick, blue eyeshadow, gold eyeliner, silver sparkles, a couple coats of mascara, both top and bottom lashes, plus false eyelashes, she'd gotten a nose ring, her skirt was more of a bandana then anything, her boobs had to be a couple cups bigger, or maybe it was the fact that her shirt was so tight that the buttons were straining across her protruding ribs, her tights were torn up…oh, hell, you get the idea.

"Hermione. God, you're such a natural beauty…"

Hermione giggled and blushed. Or maybe it was her actual blush. She pulled Hogwarts, A History out of her bag (cause what other dumb books are there, lolz) and buried her face into it. She reached out, grabbed a banana, and took a bite. She swallowed hard, then groaned.

And yeah, I know that Harry totally should have a- well..yeah, that- after seeing such an attractive girl eating a BANANA (hint hint), but this is a CLEAN story. –giggle-

Harry said, "I think I wuv you, Mio-ni-ni-nie."

Hermione giggled like a little schoolgirl who'd just discovered what happens when you follow the fourth grade boys behind the dumpster. "I wuv you too, Har-were-were-ry."

They kissed, closed mouth. It barely lasted a second. Can't risk Hermione getting pregnant, after all.

Ron was staring up at the ceiling, a dumbfounded look on his face. "Dude…WE'RE INSIDE BUT THAT'S OUTSIDE!"

Hermione sighed. "Ro-on, the ceiling is CHARMED. Aren't you ever going to read Hogwarts, A History? GOSH."

Ron kept staring. "Dude, seriously, that's NOT RIGHT!"

Hermione sighed again. "I think some anvil-sized objects hit him in the head over the summer."

Ginny ran over and plopped down next to Harry. Her blouse was hanging open, and Dean was stumbling out of the Great Hall in a daze. "Hi, Harry. Want to screw me in a broom closet, for old time's sake?"

"Cupboard," Hermione corrected. Then she blinked. "OMG HARRY BETRAYAL OF OUR LOVE! NOW I WILL NEVER EVER HELP YOU WITH ANYTHING EVER AGAIN!"

Harry looked down at his lap and sighed.

Ginny looked up. "So, like, if you help the key to Voldemort's demise, you wouldn't tell Harry, just because I offered to shag him, which, btw, I do with every guy ever and Harry did not even agree to?"

"YES! OMG GINNY YOU'RE SUCH A SLUTWHOREFACEBAGTRAMP!"

"…yeah?"

Harry stood up. "I have something to say to you, Hermione. You've got to understand something. K?"

Hermione scowled. "Fine."

Music started up in the background. Harry folded his arms.

"Every single day, I walk down the street

I hear people say, "Baby's so sweet"

Hermione scowled harder at him.

Ever since puberty, everybody stares at me,

Boys - girls, I can't help it baby

So be kind, and don't lose your mind

Harry pointed at her and swung his hips back and forth.

Just remember that I'm your baby

Take me for what I am

Who I was meant to be

And if you give a damn

Take me baby or leave me

Dean whooped. "You go…boy."

Take me baby or leave me

A tiger in a cage can never see the sun

Harry pushed food aside and crawled across the table like a tiger.

This diva needs her stage,

Baby - let's have fun!

You are the one I choose

Folks would kill to fill your shoes

Seamus nodded. "Literally." He made something else explode.

You love the limelight too, now baby

So be mine but don't waste my time

Cryin' - "O' Honeybear - are you still my my my baby?"

Take me for what I am

Who I was meant to be

And if you give a damn

Take me baby or leave me

Harry pulled Hermione up onto the table with him.

No way - can I be what I'm not

But hey - don't you want your girl hot!

"BOY!"

Don't fight - don't lose your head

'Cause every night - who's in your bed?

Harry made suggestive hip movements.

Who, who's in your bed, baby?

Kiss, Pookie."

Hermione growled. "NO! I WILL NOT SING!" With that, she tore her shirt off and ran out of the hall, screaming.

CHAPTER…uh….twenty-ish?

Harry gripped Hermione's shoulders. "Hermione, I wuv you and only you. Duckie, I love you so much it…it makes my TEETH hurt." +

Hermione pouted. "Really really?"

Harry nodded vigorously. "Really really really."

Hermione grinned. "Let's make love!"

"Whaa…?"

"Just take it slow, Harry, take it VERY SLOW."

……………………………………..

"Harry…so that's eight inches?"

"Uhm. Yes. Eight."

……………………………………..

"TAKE IT, BITCH, TAKE IT! HARRY, YOU BITCH!"

……………………………………...

"Are you sure that was your first time, Harry? It was so long…"

"Hermione, that was three minutes,"

"…oh. Whatev."

EPILOGUE

So they totally defeated Volda- Voldo- the evil guy. Ginny got pregnant at 16, cause she's a SLUT. Ron fell off a cliff, but we don't like him anyway. Hermione and Harry got married and had a bunch of kids with unfortunate hair; cause THERE LUV IS SO PURE. It was tight, yo. You should have been there.

End.


Author's Notes:

Theline "love you so much it makes my teeth hurt"is an actual quote from a play I'm in right now, called The Prime Time Crime. It's also a parody.

-"Take Me Or Leave Me" was written by Jonathan Larson, musical genius. It belongs to Rent, and is sung by Maureen and Joanne.

I'd love to hear from you guys, considering this is my first post in a while. Can't wait. Love you guys.