For Something Completely Different…"
by Kryss LaBryn, with sincere apologies to Monty Python, Alan Moore, and everyone who reads this. I own nothing, so there's no point in suing me. Once again inspired by flofett, this time her "Youth & Age".
"And Now For Something Completely Different..."
by Kryss LaBryn
Graham Chapman as Mrs. Guerrilla
Terry Jones as Mr. Guerrilla
Eric Idle as Mrs. Banana
John Cleese as Mr. V
Scene: A working-class London Suburb. Red brick row houses with tiny front gardens. Mrs. Guerrilla clips the hedge in front of House 1.
The front door to House 2 opens, and a man exits. He's wearing a Guy Fawkes mask, black wig, black conical hat, and long black cloak, and carrying a black briefcase.
Mrs. Guerrilla: Morning, Mr. V! Off to blow up Parliament, then, are you?
Mr. V (very polite): Good morning, Mrs. Guerrilla! No, I've already done that; it's the Old Bailey this morning. Good day! (tips hat to her)
Mr. Guerrilla (exits House 1 and comes up behind Mrs Guerrilla): 'Morning, Mr. V! Gladys, have you seen my bear trap?
Mrs. Guerrilla: It's right where you left it behind the washing machine, Reginald. What on earth do you want that old thing for anyways?
Mr. V (nods to Mr. Guerrilla): Good morning, Mr. Guerrilla.
Mr. Guerrilla (with a significant glance at Mr. V): Someone's been at my roses again. And I don't mean to let them get away with it.
Mrs. Guerrilla: What roses, you daft old man?
Mr. Guerrilla: My Violet Carsons. (Glares at Mr. V who is trying to politely edge away) Very rare they are, too! Award-winning!
Mrs. Guerrilla (whacks him with the shears): How many times do I have to tell you? They're violet carnations! Not Violet Carsons! Roses won't grow anymore, you bloody great idiot! (Hits him again for good measure)
Mrs. Banana (coming out of House #3): Good morning Mrs. Guerrilla! Good morning Mr. V! Off to blow up Parliament then?
Mr. V (edging away a bit further): Er, no…
Mrs. Guerrilla: He's already done Parliament, hasn't he? He's off to blow up the Old Bailey this morning, aren't you, Mr. V? (Simpers a bit) Awfully important work you've got, Mr. V!
Mrs. Banana: Jolly good thing too! I didn't vote for them!
Mr. Guerrilla (pompous): Well, of course, none of us voted for them, did we? I mean, really, that's the whole point of it, isn't it?
Mr. V (casually places briefcase near them, tips hat): If you'll excuse me, I really must be off now … So nice chatting with you all… (Exits)
Mr. Guerrilla: Now if it were up to me, we'd have no use for Mr. V, now would we?
Mrs. Guerrilla (aside): I'd have a use for 'im!
Mrs. Banana: (cackles)
Mr. Guerrilla: Why, I was saying to Mr. Finch only last week, Finch, I said, if it were up to me—
Large explosion as they all blow up. Red coloured smoke. After a beat the shears drop to the pavement.
Mr. V (off-screen voice-over): Thank God that's over!
Author's Note: Just a silly little one-off. I'm not entirely happy with Mr. V's last line, but I can't think of anything better. Any suggestions? Oh, and if anyone actually films this I'll just have to worship you forever. Hee! Oh yes: in the movie (which I haven't seen yet) they're Scarlet Carsons, but in the graphic novel (which I have seen) they're Violet Carsons. So as the original source material calls them "violet", they start with "V" and are only an "N" away from being violent, that's what I'm going with.